when kids are involved

[yorkie]

right i need advice, we split up and of august! and for 8 weeks i cried and begged etc to have her back it was a nasty break up. we called each other alot of things and said alot of things to each other on my side it was frustration dont know about her side it could be all true she said no chance of us getting back together as she doesn't love me. there is no one else involved.

 

anyhow recently since last Monday i said to her that we need communication for the kids and thats it by text she agreed we also agreed cos i have the kids full time and she is at her parents house.

 

on Wednesday she had the kids until today as its the term holidays, on Friday she texted me at 7.50am asking me if she could pop in with the kids after she had taken them to the dentist as she was visiting her gran around the corner of mine. so i could see the kids. i politley said im busy today and for her to enjoy time with the kids as its her time with them. she said ok thought she could ask.

 

then later on that day she had a massive argument with my 11 yr old son and they fell out and they both said things to each other which they didnt mean so she phoned me and i spoke with my son and said go give you mum a cuddle and make up basically which they did she was crying and said thank you so i hung up. i thought job done! anyhow today when bringing the kids back she walks in with them like nothing has happened and said they have done the homework etc. i just said ok and went into the kitchen to wash up some pots she then said right shes going as im not talking to her. this messed with my head i just said ok fine. she left and made a big deal infront of me giving the kids cuddles etc. then left i then texted her and said i thought u were ment to stay in the car, as iagreed yes we can text about the kids but you have moved on and i am trying to i have not pestered her and fought for the relationship we once had and i wont tell her i love her anymore etc, i dont want to be friends with her ever and that she should stick to agreements as arranged.

 

since last monday i have not contacted her she has initiated all contact regarding the kids. but then she has also texted me moaning how hard it is at her mum and dads when the kids are there as they are overcrowded and that she is trying to do everything right there. basically moaning that she doesnt have her own place etc.

 

i dont know what to do she is still trying to make me feel guilty about her leaving me, im now trying to get over her but just need some advice. i know this might sound petty but i need not to see her i felt great since monday even when she texted and phoned me about my son i thought yeah you got it tough but good riddance. now since she dropped the kids off and she walked in alot of my feelings have come back.

 

please help me

[Betrayed21]

Sounds to me like she doesn't really know what she wants. Either that, she doesn't want you to move on because it makes her feel powerful knowing that you can't move on and that she has this kind of hold on you. This would stem from either having low self-esteem, and needing to feel validated by you or from being narcissistic. But the important thing to remember is whatever the reasons for it, she has said she is done. And she is messing with your head and emotionally abusing you because she knows full well the effect it's having on you. So keep that in mind, and move on. There are lots of really nice beautiful women who don't play mind games out there who are worthy of a faithful man like you.

[yorkie]

originally some one said gig syndrome when i first posted a few weeks back i do think she will come back but i am trying to move on because anyone who hurt me as she has doesnt deserve me so thanks for that reply

[Betrayed21]

Well, also, it sounds like she's using the kids as well to get to you and that's the last thing your kids need. They need love and stability. I think you need to definitely show her respect and be strong when situations arise where you may have to run into her. It's probably going to be inevitable. And it's sounds like you are trying to do right by your kids. She needs to respect the boundaries you've created, but I don't know how you enforce that. I just wish you the best because I know it's really hard.

[yorkie]

everything i have done is for the kids, and it always will be, dont get me wrong for the first 8 weeks i begged cried and all that rubbish to win her back but then i thought nargh sack this she left if she wants me she can come back begging and it prooved she didnt love me yes its still early days but in my mind well at the moment anyway im trying to move forward dont get me wrong i do have feelings for her and it will break my heart when i hear she is with someone else but the last few days i felt strong and great now feel weak again

[Betrayed21]

My common-law spouse left me for another woman, and even though he's been cheating for months, I would do anything to have him back. Logically, I know that I need to move on. But I still love him. I sent him packing yesterday because he wouldn't end the affair. Even though our situations are quite different, I feel your pain. It would be nice if we could turn our feelings off and on like a faucet, but unfortunately, just because our spouses wronged us, the love is still there.

 

I did find a link that may help if you did want to try to still salvage things:

 

How to Save Your Marriage

 

It is for situations where even just one partner wants to try to save it.

[strive]

I'm sorry I have no advice or help to give. I just want to say thank you for sharing your story as I'm getting good advice on how to deal with my ex.

 

It's very similar to mine with him living with his parents now. He gets my kid over the weekend, but instead of spending time with her he's always out of the house and just lets his parents take care of her.

 

Stay strong yorkie, we can do this!

[yorkie]

thanks for the support its really doing my head in that she walked into my house and she thinks we can just get on for the sake of the kids, she still makes me feel guilty for her walking out on me! i know i might sound pathetic but i loved or even still love that woman and i need space, she might be over me but i am not her and tbh i never ever want to be friends with her because i loved her and she left me and treated me like dirt! she also texted me last night about trying to take the kids to a bonfire which is on my time with the kids. she just does not realise to leave me alone and she is messing with my feelings! someone else said she could be doing this to try and get back in with me but all i want to do now is go no contact unless she comes begging back to me!

[yorkie]

need sum advice after a few days of non contact, she came round to pick my daughter up for brownies, we sat and chatted. i told her how much she upset me and asked her what she feels she started crying and said she felt bad for hurting me but said she does not want to be in a relationship with me anymore she said she misses the relationship as in the security, house ,kids but not me. but she did miss times like when i finished work and said come on lets go to the pub etc and she liked stuff like that. am i winning her back or am i pushing her away? she said she doesnt hate me anymore and she said that when she was angry. she said she still doesnt know what she wants, but knows she doesnt want to be in a relationship with me anymore. so i guess it is over or is there hope?

[Betrayed21]

Okay, so I have some advice for you if you do want to have her back... best thing in your situation is to recognize that you can only control you. You can't control anything she does. So stay calm and focus on changing yourself in positive ways- maybe try a new hobby, go to the gym, things like that. Regardless of whether she comes back or not, you will have improved yourself so it's win/win.

 

If you have another opportunity to talk to her about the relationship, ask her "What would it take to get us back together?" Either she'll tell you there's no chance at all, or she may give you some good feedback that will help you to know what you can change to make things better. Don't be defensive if she brings stuff up that you disagree with, because she'll take that as you are not really invested in making things work. And it's not about being the person she wants per se, but being the best person you can be.

 

I hope this may help.

[vanillacrow]

I'd say head to some sort of counselor and try and talk it out.

 

Whether you stay together or not, if you can get to a neutral space and hash out the "Do I stay or do I go" feelings you both are acting out and then work through the consequences on the kids, it'll be better.

[yorkie]

Thanks for the replies. My ex has said she does not want to be in a relationship with me and I have asked about counciling etc. She said we have grown apart. I havent spoken to her since monday night . I am back in LC with her and tbh I need to move on. She will regret leaving me but you know what I hope she finds happiness and someone who treats her nice. It just confuses me that she wants me there xmas. Also some people are saying looks like she is trying to get me back or wants me back but then keeps saying she doesnt want a relationship with me.