I have no idea what im doing!

[ZJM]

Wife wants a separation after 16 years together. We have 3 kids and im completely lost. Our relationship started to get rocky about 4 years ago when she started nursing school. It was hard for both of us. I worked and took care of the kids while she went to school and studied. I know it wasnt easy for her to go to school with a husband and 3 kids to try and make happy. I resented her slightly for the long hours that she spent away from home even though i knew she was working hard to make her dream of being a nurse become a reality. She sacrificed just as much as i did and although i supported the family i do not believe i supported her like should have emotionally. It took its toll. We became so busy in our daily activities that we over time stopped finding time for each other. The holding hands,laying on the couch together,laughing became far and few between. Eventually this lifestyle became unrewarding for both of us and the arguing about everything started.

We would fight,threaten to leave,make up but never resolve anything only to have it all blow up a few weeks or months later. We have been doing this for 3 years. Its tiring.

Fast forward to about 4-5 months ago. She brought up marriage counseling in hopes that it would help. I made the fatal mistake of saying we didnt need it and we just needed to work harder on being attentive to each others needs. In retrospect she was telling me this needs to be fixed and i didnt listen. She decided to seek counseling on her own. In doing so she began the process of working through her issues while i sat idle, doing nothing. Eventually she stopped wanting to argue,she was much calmer,started working out,she started volunteering more like she used to do. She was doing things for herself.

2 weeks ago we started arguing and and she finally told me that she wanted a separation. She said that she cannot continue to work on herself while living in an environment that is constantly filled with anger,resentment and hostility.She also said i need to seek a counselor and find a way to deal with my issues as well. The next day she signed a 6 month lease in an apartment 2 blocks away and we sat down and told the kids what was going to happen.

She told me that she absolutely doesnt want a divorce and that this is last resort to fix our broken marriage. She is already planning MC,date nights,time together with the kids as a family. She says she loves me and wants more than anything in the world to fix this but she doesnt think we can work through it while constantly fighting with no space. She has been very calm and collected and matter of fact. There are still I love yous at the end of our conversations,good night texts/phonecalls and communication throughout the day. I dont know what to make of it all.

My head is spinning and although i know im a good man and a good father im afraid i have HAVE neglected the emotional needs of my wife and this makes my heart break.

 

Im lost and its late and i just typed a novel. There is so much more to say. I just needed to get it out.

Edited August 5, 2013 by ZJM

[keepontruckin]

You might be able to salvage things, but you best get you azz into high gear, not now, but right now!

 

Go to counselling. Do whatever you have to do.

 

Most women just leave, and don't allow any opportunity for issues to be addressed. It sounds like your wife is giving you one last chance.

 

If you love her, don't blow it.

[trippi1432]

Hi ZJM - Welcome to LS and sorry that you found your way here under these circumstances.

 

In reading your post, the fact that your wife has said point-blank that she doesn't want a divorce, still loves you and this is the last resort to fix it says more than what a lot of men and women on this board typically get. She is giving you a chance, and as stated in the previous post, don't blow it.

 

Here, you will find advice on how to go NC (No Contact) and the 180....these are tools that you do when the person you are with is basically through with you and you need to move on and let go..they are to make you better, they are NOT tools to build a stronger marriage and they do not FIX what the issues were.

 

I've been on the side of things where I did love the person, wanted the relationship to work but something in the relationship needed to change as I was being taken for granted. When he did this (NC), I eventually stopped caring for him. When he agreed that we needed to break up, I believed him and when all of his actions showed me he didn't love me or care about me anymore, I stopped wanting him in my life and realized his answer to everything was to totally avoid anything. So take heed of that as you get advice here because when a woman feels she needs to stop loving you, she will.

 

It would be beneficial to look at what the fights and bickering are typically about. If there are anger issues on either side, those need to be approached and worked on. No, not a time for you to beg and plead....that will push her away, but you should approach this situation with getting your own counselor and doing the Marriage Counseling as she has asked.

 

Good Luck.

[revitup]

I think you have a wife who loves her husband.

 

You are very lucky my man.You out of all of us have a chance.Use it.

 

REVITUP

Edited August 5, 2013 by revitup
spelling

[Mr. Lucky]

No, not a time for you to beg and plead....that will push her away, but you should approach this situation with getting your own counselor and doing the Marriage Counseling as she has asked.

 

Good Luck.

Agree 1000%. She wants to see you do the work as proof that you're as committed as she is to your marriage. You have a great opportunity to come out of this with a better relationship and as a better person ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ZJM]

Thanks. Im listening to what shes saying with an open mind and can honestly say she is right about many things. Surprisingly she is admitting her faults and her shortcomings in all of this. She said she is working on them and is encouraging me to do the same so that we can then begin to work together.

 

We both sat down and came up with a workable 50/50 schedule in regards to the kids. Which makes me happy. They seem understanding. Sad but understanding of it all.

 

I was actually woken up by her phone call this AM and our conversation was no different then if she was laying next to me. Good morning, small chit chat, she left some information regarding the counselors she has pre screened and she wants me to look at and help decide on a couple to interview with. She told me she loves me and to have a nice day.

 

I cannot lie its been 10 days and we havent even argued once. We have discussed alot of things this past week that typically would have thrown us into a heated argument. Instead its been very productive and constructive.

All good things but i am STRUGGLING with the idea of her being gone for months on end. She has made it clear she will not rush this for the sake making her or I "comfortable".

 

It might sound stupid but not knowing what will happen almost seems worse then if she just said its over. Weird im sure.

 

I have not told her she was wrong. From day 1 of this i have told her i support her decision and i agree its for the best. Even though inside i dont. Im trying to make this as easy for her as possible. Its gut wrenching. But what can i do? Fight about it? No thanks. Thats what got me here to begin with.

 

Damn...... This sucks.

[Misfortune]

Thanks. Im listening to what shes saying with an open mind and can honestly say she is right about many things. Surprisingly she is admitting her faults and her shortcomings in all of this. She said she is working on them and is encouraging me to do the same so that we can then begin to work together.

 

We both sat down and came up with a workable 50/50 schedule in regards to the kids. Which makes me happy. They seem understanding. Sad but understanding of it all.

 

I was actually woken up by her phone call this AM and our conversation was no different then if she was laying next to me. Good morning, small chit chat, she left some information regarding the counselors she has pre screened and she wants me to look at and help decide on a couple to interview with. She told me she loves me and to have a nice day.

 

I cannot lie its been 10 days and we havent even argued once. We have discussed alot of things this past week that typically would have thrown us into a heated argument. Instead its been very productive and constructive.

All good things but i am STRUGGLING with the idea of her being gone for months on end. She has made it clear she will not rush this for the sake making her or I "comfortable".

 

It might sound stupid but not knowing what will happen almost seems worse then if she just said its over. Weird im sure.

 

I have not told her she was wrong. From day 1 of this i have told her i support her decision and i agree its for the best. Even though inside i dont. Im trying to make this as easy for her as possible. Its gut wrenching. But what can i do? Fight about it? No thanks. Thats what got me here to begin with.

 

Damn...... This sucks.

 

You do know what will happen, she told you. She's working on her and not being less of a wife to you. You don't work for it you won't get it. You have to work with her. I'm so jealous of you, having a chance like this and a loving wife like her who's willing to work hard (read=not internalize) with you to fix things. If you don't want her, let her go. If you do, do your part; it takes 2.

 

You need to relax about the space for now, she told that she's not doing this to leave you. It's so rare to find someone like that in today's replaceable society.

[ZJM]

You do know what will happen, she told you. She's working on her and not being less of a wife to you. You don't work for it you won't get it. You have to work with her. I'm so jealous of you, having a chance like this and a loving wife like her who's willing to work hard (read=not internalize) with you to fix things. If you don't want her, let her go. If you do, do your part; it takes 2.

 

You need to relax about the space for now, she told that she's not doing this to leave you. It's so rare to find someone like that in today's replaceable society.

 

 

I understand. Self discovery is hard. Im taking the steps to work on my issues. I started a journal and began writing things down that i would like to discuss with a counselor. Made the appt. for next week. My heart is wholeheartedly in this. Every ounce of me.

 

Maybe my posts are coming across wrong. Im just venting my emotions here and letting the fact out that its hard. I need to say/type it. But i dont want to tell her how hard it is for me. Im just trying to be supportive and give her the time she needs.

 

I know how rare it is to find somebody like her. Thats why im so pissed i didnt tell her that every day.

[Misfortune]

I understand. Self discovery is hard. Im taking the steps to work on my issues. I started a journal and began writing things down that i would like to discuss with a counselor. Made the appt. for next week. My heart is wholeheartedly in this. Every ounce of me.

 

Maybe my posts are coming across wrong. Im just venting my emotions here and letting the fact out that its hard. I need to say/type it. But i dont want to tell her how hard it is for me. Im just trying to be supportive and give her the time she needs.

 

I know how rare it is to find somebody like her. Thats why im so pissed i didnt tell her that every day.

 

Sorry I took your posts the wrong way then. Yes, it is hard. Sometimes you really don't know what you have until you're about to lose it or do lose it. Loss is important though, it takes us out of our complacent comfort zone and allows us to go on a journey of self discovery that often has positive outcomes. Good luck