I want out! But I am terrified.

[jmforman]

I am so ready to get out of this relationship. Every time we talk I find myself screaming inside my own head that I just want him to shut up. I can't stand what he talks about anymore and we have nothing in common now. I just want to stick my fingers in my ears and scream la la la everytime he starts talking about his hobbies and interests since I just don't care about them.

 

We've been together so long I don't know who I am without him anymore and I'm terrified of trying to find my way without him. I want to love him again so badly, and I guess I am just having a hard time accepting that the good days are probably behind us. For every one good day now there are 2 bad days.

 

I'm mostly just tired of his moods. He has an anger problem and I just really feel like I can't handle it anymore. I've never been able to handle it really, but he once had a blowup so big that I did end the relationship. I told him that we could stay together as long as he promised that would never happen again. The thing is, he never has blown up at me so harshly again, but has found other ways to channel his anger still taking it out on me. He will blow up at the littlest things and I never know what will provoke him. I'm often afraid to begin conversations for fear that they will turn sour, and I'm definitely afraid to talk about bigger issues.

 

The worst part is that I'm afraid to end things. What if I'm wrong about it. What if I'm overreacting. What if I will be alone forever. I still love him, I just can't live with him. Beyond the emotional stresses of worrying about his anger, and the frustrations of having nothing of interest to the both of us to talk about, he's a horrible house mate. When we first moved in together, we moved to a new city without jobs. We both said we would look and I found one immediately while he had a lot of difficulty finding work. Eventually after he couldn't find a job for a while we looked at our finances and realized that we could make it on our salary alone. I agreed to support the 2 of us, while he agreed to keep up the house. This lasted maybe 2-4 weeks. Then he regularly forgot to take care of the house, or if he was reminded he would demand that he take care of it later he was busy (with hobbies). Then he would forget again, I would remind him and so on. I had to nag him and I hated it so much I never wanted to be that person. He has managed to keep up with the most important chores, though only with persistent nagging. But anything beyond the dishes and laundry he wouldn't do without a fight. He regularly let mold grow in the showers, lets the toilets gets moldy, lets trash accumulate around the house, etc. For the time being we're splitting the chores evenly, as I recently quit my job. Things have been a little easier, though mostly I'm not disgusted by my surroundings anymore and I don't feel like I'm doing his work by doing my share of the chores. But I am about to start my first semester of graduate school and a new job. I am not going to have time to pick up after him too. He recently told me that he finally understands why I feel the way I do about the chores and that he finally understands that if he's not cleaning up the house then he is not contributing to the household. We agreed that he would go back to the chores. He promised things would be different. After 3 years of marriage and 4 more of just being together, I am fairly certain that he will not really change. He will be incredibly responsible for the first 2-4 weeks. He will make me fall in love with him again. And then everything will end because he doesn't want to have to do anything if he doesn't feel like it. And he never feels like it.

 

I guess I'm just feeling like I'm in a "devil you know is better than the one you don't situation." Life with my husband is frustrating, but mostly comfortable except when he is in a rage of course. I am afraid that I will be even more unhappy if I get out of this relationship. Every time I think about leaving I remember the happy moments we have had and I wonder if I'm making the right decision. Like I said before, I feel like I still love him, I just can't live with him anymore. I don't know if I am making the right decision, and if I am right to leave I have no idea how to break it to him. He knows I am not happy, but I don't think he realizes just how close I am to leaving.

[Yasuandio]

Hon, you have a number of problems here.

 

You gotta work on your confidence and self-esteem issues - so you can function. You are in grad school to get ahead, to be more successful. Not to think about failure of being independent. U don't need him. Take a look at the other women in your program, are they in a big panic? Or are they looking forward to a career?

 

You are spinning right now - and cannot make the obvious choice because of fear. This fear, you, yourself are creating in your own mind. I understand it well. I have been there (still am in many ways, due to a mental illness that prevents me from holding a job). But I can tell you for a fact, the crazy things that I have feared since separating, and the loss of my marriage, (about 5 years now), none of the fears came to pass!

 

Even in the past two weeks, I became so freightened, I actually posted my story - even though it was really embarrassing for me to admit (that I was still having icky-gooie feelings for the horrible creature I was married to - that didn't even want me - gag). But my fears passed. The problems I worried so much about didn't happen. In fact, some really good things have been happening, even today.

 

Try to wrap your head around these points I just made. Confidence, self-esteem, and "do not be afraid.". Others on LS will give you more ideas. Yas