Getting divorced, having troubles dealing with self-worth.

[ZenScribe]

Been reading these forums for awhile, I suppose it's time to tell my tale and seek advice. A little background first, I'll try to keep it brief.

 

I first met her in 11th grade, 2001. We instantly became friends, and remained that way for the rest of our schooling. From the moment I met her I wanted her to be mine. She was a bit of a dork, beautiful but humble, great sense of humor, a perfect girl for me, but she had a boyfriend. We lost contact after high school but kept running into each other every few years. Not sure why, but nothing ever came of those chance encounters...but I imagine it was because she was still with the same guy she was dating in high school. She set the standard for every girl I have ever dated since I met her. She just seemed to infect me.

 

Fast forward to March 2008. She finds me through social media and we start hanging out. Finally we seemed to be in each others life for good. She's no longer with that guy. We start hanging out a lot. She joins my friends and I when we go out and she just fits perfectly in. They loved her. Everything seemed to be falling into place. About a month after we reconnected we're at a bar and she just pulls me in for a kiss, later telling me that she's been wanting to do that since high school.

 

We got married November 2009. The first year and a half was great. It was an amazing life. A life I never thought I would have...then I lost my job. At first we were doing okay. She made enough money to allow us to live a frugal but comfortable life. Then I screwed everything up. I have had really bad insomnia. After I lost my job in got really bad, only sleeping 4 hours every other day. I had to have a small outpatient medical operation and as a result received pain medication. I didn't really need them as the pain wasn't unbearable, but they helped with my insomnia. Well, to prevent an already long story from being longer, I became a drug addict. I used it to numb the pain of being unemployed and just generally unhappy with where I was in life. It got pretty bad, the pills I was abusing are on par with heroin. I hid all of this from her, out of shame and out of not wanting her to have to deal with my addiction. As stupid as it sounds, I thought I was trying to protect her but trying to conquer it on my own. She knew something was wrong, but she had no way of knowing what was wrong. She just didn't know what addiction looked like.

 

So basically I turned into a shell of the man I once was. Come 2011, after trying several times to kick my addiction, I finally did. It was, without a shadow of a doubt, the hardest and most excruciatingly painful thing I have ever had to endure. But it was too late, the damage was done. We tried to work things out over the remaining years, but all that had transpired was just took it's toll.

 

So I don't really blame her for doing what she is doing. Part of me thinks "but what about for better or worse?" I suppose everyone has their limits. So the divorce I'm actually handling somewhat well. It's been 5 weeks since she told me, and I'm doing a lot better than I thought I would be, losing this woman the I had been so ridiculously in love with. Maybe it's because I think I deserve this pain, like it's some kind of penance for what I put her through.

 

The hard part is this. I don't feel like I'll ever find the life I once thought I would have. I want the wife who is also my best friend. I want children. The house. The passport filled with stamps. It crushes me. I'm unemployed, 29 years old, had to move back in with my parents. I feel like the ultimate cliche, a cliche that could never possibly attract another woman. I feel like I'm too late to get all that I want. The life that I was once so close to achieving. There are so many aspects of my life that seem hopeless and as hard as I try to find motivation and inspiration, all I see is an abyss. I see being rejected by a woman who was so madly in love with me, being pathetic, being a former pill popping junkie, unemployed, 30 years old living with my parents, etc. I don't know how to cope with this hopelessness.

 

I've spent all day moving the last of my stuff out of our apartment so I'm fairly exhausted, but still can't sleep. So I know this is a long read and some of it is probably incoherent and I'm not even sure if I asked a question, but any insight or advice is wholeheartedly welcome.

[MrRightNow]

Damn that sucks. 29 isn't that old, bro. You have plenty of time to start over. Your priority should be finding a decent job or getting a degree in something useful. Living with parents isn't so bad, you'll save lots of money on rent. You obviously should've been honest about your addiction, but I think she should have stayed by your side if she genuinely loved you. I know some may disagree. Don't measure your self-worth based on your experiences with women. Good luck and best wishes.

[Act Two]

Well. I'm sorry for your pain- all of it.

 

First, do you have a handle on the drug addiction? That sounds like the first thing you must make sure is tackled.

 

Start with one thing at a time and you will regain your sense of self-worth from what you are able to accomplish.

 

Work on your employment status and then eventually get your own place but take it one step at a time.

 

You are VERY young and too young to write yourself off as a cliche. Take this time and what you can learn from it. When you are in a stronger place emotionally/mentally you will be ready for another relationship.

[ZenScribe]

Living with parents isn't so bad, you'll save lots of money on rent.

 

I feel so ashamed about it. And the fact that my parents are borderline hoarders doesn't help with the depression that comes with moving back in with your parents.

 

First, do you have a handle on the drug addiction? That sounds like the first thing you must make sure is tackled.

 

Start with one thing at a time and you will regain your sense of self-worth from what you are able to accomplish.

 

Work on your employment status and then eventually get your own place but take it one step at a time.

 

You are VERY young and too young to write yourself off as a cliche. Take this time and what you can learn from it. When you are in a stronger place emotionally/mentally you will be ready for another relationship.

 

I do. When I tell my story people ask me why I didn't go to rehab or NA meetings. I had to be sure that I did it for me. I had to be sure that I alone had the willpower to do it, otherwise I would always question whether I was really off it. Since then I've had countless opportunities to use again, but there wasn't even a moment of hesitation in declining.

 

I've been working on the employment thing for two years. I got a seasonal job last year, but that was only through the holidays. I've applied at convenience stores and fast food restaurants...nothing. Which is another blow to how I perceive myself.

[Act Two]

Alright, well that's FANTASTIC!! You should feel a lot better about yourself for conquering that addiction. Congrats on doing that for yourself.

 

Sounds like you need to focus on your job search, and maybe get some job counseling so that you find a good match for your skills, education level rather than in jobs where you will be underemployed.

 

I read this great quote today to help all of us in the pain of separation/divorce:

 

"Sometimes we add to our pain by refusing to learn from it, refusing to grow in it, refusing to be there. We're kicking and screaming trying to get out of there as fast as we can, and that causes additional suffering. "

 

- Leslie Vernick

[Gunny376]

I feel so ashamed about it. And the fact that my parents are borderline hoarders doesn't help with the depression that comes with moving back in with your parents.

 

 

 

I do. When I tell my story people ask me why I didn't go to rehab or NA meetings. I had to be sure that I did it for me. I had to be sure that I alone had the willpower to do it, otherwise I would always question whether I was really off it. Since then I've had countless opportunities to use again, but there wasn't even a moment of hesitation in declining.

 

I've been working on the employment thing for two years. I got a seasonal job last year, but that was only through the holidays. I've applied at convenience stores and fast food restaurants...nothing. Which is another blow to how I perceive myself.

 

Your being excessively hard on yourself, you fell into a "life-trap" which really isn't all that hard to do? Literally millions if not billions do so everyday, and substance abuse is just one of them in "their" many forms.

 

What is more is that finding a job right now, let alone the "right job" that your best suited for and that is best suited for you is tough ~ and I do many tough. The job market is is still a "buyer's market" in so far as employers are concerned. The unemployment rate here in the States, but not near enough to keep up with the demand. Especially with the new slew of high school and college graduates. Even the military is being extremely selective as to who they will enlist.

 

Having a college degree (4 year or more) isn't necessarily an automatic ways and means of even finding a job? I know of more than just a few that are working jobs that they've could have gotten without having gone to college. Still I know of more than just a few that have four year degrees that are attending community college ~ trade school to get AA degrees or certificates so they can just make themselves more marketable.

 

A lot of companies are only hiring part-timers, hiring two part timers to do one job that they would have in the past have only hired one person. Even fast food is hiring only primarily only part time. This is due to the burden of over-government regulation and uncertainty of such.

 

I myself with over twenty years in the Marine Corps, and a four year college degree am and have been working a job that doesn't even require you to be a high school graduate, (although it does help in the selection process). I've just move up from being a tool-jig operator, to being a QC tech. Per will I live, its one of the better places to work.

 

At 56, age discrimination is starting to come into place, even though I can literally work circles around those much younger than I.

 

Keep posting, its going to take awhile to work yourself out of this, and through the otherside of it all.

 

When you find yourself 'going through Hell?" Just remember, to keep on going until you get to the otherside."

[Simpleoldschool]

If i could say something,

 

first i want to captilize on one very important thing. NO , you do not deserve this pain. And yes everyone has their limits, but what do they do when they reach it? Wind down or turn the situation on its head?

 

First You were an addict. She didnt need to know. ILL SAY IT AGAIN. she didnt.

 

You were doing your part, trying to stop. You also said that you had a surgery, coupled with the surgery and the general point your life was at when you lost your job - i am not saying using prescriptions addictively is the right thing to do, but what i am saying is it CAN happen. You were having a hard time and its the only way you saw for yourself a way to medicate. let me ask you a question, if she was supporting you financially and emotionally in all the stead she could would you have been SELF-medicating?

 

I find it the hardest for people, to dig themselves out of the hole they are in. You fealt alone, you fealt the effect on your life.

 

Now let me ask you one thing, in a MARRIAGE are not both people working to maintain a home, toghether so that BOTH may live there? i find it ammusing people get wrapped up in who should be doing what. Since feminism women have stepped outside of the role of house wife so if that is true, what is her problem now with paying and taking on the majority of the bills you can no longer provide for to TAKE CARE OF YOU WHEN YOU HAVE TROUBLES IN YOUR OWN LIFE. does she throw on the table that the troubles in your life arent worth working through but when she has her own, she needs your help?

 

dont think backwards like that. You are who you are and you did what you did. Moving on you changed from addict and guess what time to get a job or if you have one, continue working it.

 

First feminism doesnt work for a couple of reasons my friend. It is desighned by the feminists to create behaviour against a womens inner nature. to take comfort in a man and be his support while they both end up because of her support in a general direction of a good life.

 

Its silly. women dont realize this independent attitude is destroying their marriage.

 

To get to a higher degree love yourself and your mistakes. Your mistakes have led you to a place where you can be more efficient by avoiding the same mistakes.

 

now to get to the best part of it all.

 

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. nothing you do causes a person to react in a way they normally wouldnt so with that being said, is this really your fault or is their fault in her reaction and in her way of handling things. Id say something else but ill avoid trouble.

 

 

having been down range, insomnia is a HARD THING TO HANDLE all on your own. with all of this going on, with all of these emotions tackling you in your daily life WHERE WAS SHE and how is it all too much to ask for. you are her husband, after all arent you? since when did her wild eye lose sight of that fact.

 

theres another reason marriages fail. Its called the 50/50 rule as to make things fair. BECAUSE OF THE NATURE OF LIFE and simply out of the fact plans dont really work according to plan but only to the extent they can, the rule should be should be. That when one person cant carry the weight they have been the other picks it up where they left off to carry them to a place where they both can continue. its called continue sacrifice. actually if you dont sacrifice or give generously i beilieve you really wont enjoy anything in life. You know the value of something in how much you have sacrificed for it. it gives a real picture of yourself, in your own mind of who you are and what you should do for others and doesnt let something edge its way in. YOU ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN THIS thing or person.

 

first you are doing wonderfully. you are ok and you need to realize everything will be fine.

 

you will hit your ups and downs but love yourself through all of it.

 

I am amazed today at what people say is too much to handle. Tell your wife try going to war and then maybe, her life wouldnt seem so bad.

 

MY thoughtsd my friend. chin up. with or without her there will be a women who chooses to stay and does the things for you, in a way you ought to love yourself, right now.

[Simpleoldschool]

also throw this penance mumno jumbo out. regardless of any mistake you should be able to confess have it forgiven and move on from there in a direction healthy for both.

 

it seems today people have a problem FORGIVING others, because somehow in their mind they are too high to forgive. they are the one who should JUDGE.

 

I think jesus said it best. He/SHE who is without sin cast the first stone.

 

She needs to get off her high horse man.

 

What happened to the women who cry and pull the husband out of his misery with love and support? mannnn i need to find me one of them. the husband should do the same.

 

bro im not here to judge i only see what i see and to be honest she doesnt sound

 

A.reasonable - if not divorce wouldnt have been thrown out there

b.Like a flexible-giver

c. overall concerned in what ways she can help YOU the husband. the man who at one time did provide. who cares how long it was, you were doing it.

 

You can only do what you can do. no one can BLEED a rock. no one can/SHOULD ask you for more than you can give. You are not super man and no ones imaginination should be telling them you should be.

Edited May 25, 2013 by Simpleoldschool

[Gunny376]

The medical profession will get you hooked on that "S**T!"

 

IF YOU LET THEM!

 

Two years ago I had to have surgery on my leg, to have a pin and plate put in my thigh. I woke up and that had me hooked up to an IV with a morphine drip! I didn't need it, and I didn't want it! Sure I was in pain, but I knew it was something I had to deal with, work through, adpat to and over-come. I was some kind of PO'd! Told them to get me off of that crap not just right now, but yesterday.

 

I've been given presecriptions for prescriptions pain-killers before, and have thrown them in the trash after ripping them up.

 

When I think I've absolutely ~ positively have got to have something for the pain? When it becomes so un-bearable? I'll let you know! Until then? Don't assume a damn thing about me!

[Gunny376]

also throw this penance mumno jumbo out. regardless of any mistake you should be able to confess have it forgiven and move on from there in a direction healthy for both.

 

it seems today people have a problem FORGIVING others, because somehow in their mind they are too high to forgive. they are the one who should JUDGE.

 

I think jesus said it best. He/SHE who is without sin cast the first stone.

 

She needs to get off her high horse man.

 

What happened to the women who cry and pull the husband out of his misery with love and support? mannnn i need to find me one of them. the husband should do the same.

 

bro im not here to judge i only see what i see and to be honest she doesnt sound

 

A.reasonable - if not divorce wouldnt have been thrown out there

b.Like a flexible-giver

c. overall concerned in what ways she can help YOU the husband. the man who at one time did provide. who cares how long it was, you were doing it.

 

You can only do what you can do. no one can BLEED a rock. no one can/SHOULD ask you for more than you can give. You are not super man and no ones imaginination should be telling them you should be.

 

That's all DAY Strong Advice!

[SuperGeek]

I'm in my mid 30s and divorced (3 years ago) and you know it hurts for awhile. You will recover though, but just realize it can take time. No doubt about it, you will emerge stronger from this experience just as you have from kicking the pain meds. I'm currently getting myself off of anxiety meds and that has been tough as well. After that I will have to kick the caffeine habit.

 

Just focus on yourself and your recovery for awhile. Try to leave her alone unless she comes back. Maybe read up on the 180.

 

Also, don't beat yourself up about the mistakes you made. Realize you're human and cut yourself some slack. Lots of people get addicted to pain meds and they are good people. Chemical addiction often isn't even a choice.

Edited May 25, 2013 by SuperGeek

[Simpleoldschool]

AS always people are giving you good advice.

 

I really want to take some time if its ok with everyone since it seems pertinent to this post. and satying IAW TOU IX. so the site admins dont try to hammer me again.LMAO

 

 

i want to elaborate of the tenants of feminism and how they destroy marriages. actually that is the ultimate goal produce women who hold no worth towards the marital principle.

 

First women emotionally rationalize who they are and are emotionally extending and men are more rational non-emotionally.

 

It is in this that women assume an emotionally rational self-identity.

 

And men assume a non-emotionally rational self-dentity.

 

Because of feminist endoctrination and its elbaoration women are suppose to view themselves as indentpendant. In this search for equality they lose focus on something, there actually is not equality at all whatsoever in this task.

 

You see equality doesnt mean sameness. if i am allowed at this point to entertain the rest, i will say this.

 

Men cannot be women simply because of their gender and women cannot be men.

 

in equality, men and women were desighned to function TOGHETHER in a way that compliments the genders differences. thats something people dont understand. THATS EQUALITY. the equalness of sharing your genders nature and instincts that best serve eachother! not one way but two ways that make something whole. making two people WHOLE in the pursuit of a relationship. all women need men and all men need women. We were desighned that way. we were not desighned to function and be alone. being alone is being without purpouse. can anyone sit in a dark room alone and feel like there is a purpouse driving everyday they spend there. NO! they cant.

 

first when a women trys to take on the responsibilities of being a man, shes acting outside of herself, emotionally. she gets upset faster. has a harder time dealing with what her inner nature is telling her that a man should be doing this for her to support her and creates a bad presidence in her relationships. she struggles for the power she wants to have by the tenants of feminism that she considers equality that detract from the type of relationship a man and women should have. she then since what shes been taught is telling herself no equality exists and its time to get a move on.

 

first men are born to take care of women on an instinctual level. Men are the ones who are suppose to provide and nurture and care for a familys safety and well-being.

 

since the depths of a womens emotions are stronger than that of a man she can offset the balance where the man doesnt show certain types of attentions and affections within the family. she can love the children and show them nurturing affection to a degree much more than the man and in the way a man cant because he lacks the genetic information that isnt avalible to him. the way his brain functions is in sequence of being a man.a man does not understand instinctually what a women does and neither a woman understands what a man instinctually does. you dont have instincts you dont have. you cant learn an impulse, genetic feeling. we cannot be in a womens body as a man and a women in a mans body as a women.

 

these young girls are taught to be independant. the real tenants of feminism are not equality but absolute independence of a man.

 

and before anyone trys to shoot me in the leg about me being super biblical and sexist i think God says in the way of marriage (if you want it to work)before he says ANYTHING ELSE SUBMIT TO EACHOTHER. that is the only way to even HAVE A MARRIAGE. you agree that you intend to spend your life with this person. You focus you attention time and love and receive it in a way all the same strength but different. You see having a successfull mariage is absolutely simple. i cant understand why people dont get it.

 

You dont resent someone you appreiciate them. You love them and you show them genuine affection. the result is in most cases a sexual relationship that fufills both the needs of the woman and the man. you have children. the father teachs alongside with the mother and the mother shows love. the father disciplines and strengthens the children in a way that contributes to their learning and success.

 

the marital relationship is simpppplllleeeeee.

 

 

MAN +WOMAN + LOVE + AFFECTION = SEX= KIDS= CHILD REARING= CONTENTNESS.

 

marriage is suppose to meet multi-functional needs on both ends.

 

if a women wants to be happy in a relationship first she has to realize the only reason the husband wants to be there is because of her. because he loves her and that she will gain WHAT SHE WANTS FROM HIM IF SHE SHOWS HIM SOMETHING SIMPLE. SUPPORT. a women can make or break you!

 

The man works hard he gets support which holds him up to do more work and push forward and she is there enjoying what her greateast work and accomplishment is the support of the person she loves that takes care of her. like WTF? i really have to sit here sometimes and understand why people thinks this is sexist and doesnt work. FEMINISM ISNT WORKING. so if what your doing by trying to smash the triangle into the square block isnt getting you anywhere, why dont people put the triangle in the triangle block and leave it there? or is that sexist too?

 

in marriage its simple. you receive what you cannot give and give what someone else can only receive from you.

Edited May 26, 2013 by Simpleoldschool

[Almond_Joy]

AS always people are giving you good advice.

 

I really want to take some time if its ok with everyone since it seems pertinent to this post. and satying IAW TOU IX. so the site admins dont try to hammer me again.LMAO

 

 

i want to elaborate of the tenants of feminism and how they destroy marriages. actually that is the ultimate goal produce women who hold no worth towards the marital principle.

 

First women emotionally rationalize who they are and are emotionally extending and men are more rational non-emotionally.

 

It is in this that women assume an emotionally rational self-identity.

 

And men assume a non-emotionally rational self-dentity.

 

Because of feminist endoctrination and its elbaoration women are suppose to view themselves as indentpendant. In this search for equality they lose focus on something, there actually is not equality at all whatsoever in this task.

 

You see equality doesnt mean sameness. if i am allowed at this point to entertain the rest, i will say this.

 

Men cannot be women simply because of their gender and women cannot be men.

 

in equality, men and women were desighned to function TOGHETHER in a way that compliments the genders differences. thats something people dont understand. THATS EQUALITY. the equalness of sharing your genders nature and instincts that best serve eachother! not one way but two ways that make something whole. making two people WHOLE in the pursuit of a relationship. all women need men and all men need women. We were desighned that way. we were not desighned to function and be alone. being alone is being without purpouse. can anyone sit in a dark room alone and feel like there is a purpouse driving everyday they spend there. NO! they cant.

 

first when a women trys to take on the responsibilities of being a man, shes acting outside of herself, emotionally. she gets upset faster. has a harder time dealing with what her inner nature is telling her that a man should be doing this for her to support her and creates a bad presidence in her relationships. she struggles for the power she wants to have by the tenants of feminism that she considers equality that detract from the type of relationship a man and women should have. she then since what shes been taught is telling herself no equality exists and its time to get a move on.

 

first men are born to take care of women on an instinctual level. Men are the ones who are suppose to provide and nurture and care for a familys safety and well-being.

 

since the depths of a womens emotions are stronger than that of a man she can offset the balance where the man doesnt show certain types of attentions and affections within the family. she can love the children and show them nurturing affection to a degree much more than the man and in the way a man cant because he lacks the genetic information that isnt avalible to him. the way his brain functions is in sequence of being a man.a man does not understand instinctually what a women does and neither a woman understands what a man instinctually does. you dont have instincts you dont have. you cant learn an impulse, genetic feeling. we cannot be in a womens body as a man and a women in a mans body as a women.

 

these young girls are taught to be independant. the real tenants of feminism are not equality but absolute independence of a man.

 

and before anyone trys to shoot me in the leg about me being super biblical and sexist i think God says in the way of marriage (if you want it to work)before he says ANYTHING ELSE SUBMIT TO EACHOTHER. that is the only way to even HAVE A MARRIAGE. you agree that you intend to spend your life with this person. You focus you attention time and love and receive it in a way all the same strength but different. You see having a successfull mariage is absolutely simple. i cant understand why people dont get it.

 

You dont resent someone you appreiciate them. You love them and you show them genuine affection. the result is in most cases a sexual relationship that fufills both the needs of the woman and the man. you have children. the father teachs alongside with the mother and the mother shows love. the father disciplines and strengthens the children in a way that contributes to their learning and success.

 

the marital relationship is simpppplllleeeeee.

 

 

MAN +WOMAN + LOVE + AFFECTION = SEX= KIDS= CHILD REARING= CONTENTNESS.

 

marriage is suppose to meet multi-functional needs on both ends.

 

if a women wants to be happy in a relationship first she has to realize the only reason the husband wants to be there is because of her. because he loves her and that she will gain WHAT SHE WANTS FROM HIM IF SHE SHOWS HIM SOMETHING SIMPLE. SUPPORT. a women can make or break you!

 

The man works hard he gets support which holds him up to do more work and push forward and she is there enjoying what her greateast work and accomplishment is the support of the person she loves that takes care of her. like WTF? i really have to sit here sometimes and understand why people thinks this is sexist and doesnt work. FEMINISM ISNT WORKING. so if what your doing by trying to smash the triangle into the square block isnt getting you anywhere, why dont people put the triangle in the triangle block and leave it there? or is that sexist too?

 

in marriage its simple. you receive what you cannot give and give what someone else can only receive from you.

 

 

...I think you're stretching when you say that all this Biblically-oriented antifeminism is pertinent to this man's situation. Did he even say he's Christian or monotheistic? I didn't see that in the posts OP made, and my apologies if I overlooked it.

 

In any case I'm sorry OP to hear you're feeling so down about where you're at. You really need to give yourself more credit. It takes tremendous persistence and willpower to overcome drug addiction alone and you did it. That is nothing small and nothing to be ashamed of since you've recovered. If you can do that I think you're more than capable and deserving of achieving the goals you want for yourself.

 

And 29 is by no means old, man - I'm only a couple years off of that myself and I am nowhere near old! Lol. Neither are you. Just do what you have to do to achieve your goals. You for sure won't reach them if you give up. Find sources of encouragement, whether it be friends family, network groups , or just success stories for starters.

 

Good luck. Just keep taking it one day at a time, things will get better.

[Simpleoldschool]

i was at the most simple of notions simple saying this in regard to what feminism is.

 

Feminism The belief that women are and should be treated as potential intellectual equals and social equals to men.

 

simple. being different genders we are different. Im not saying anyones more intelligent but the complimentary manner is to define a WORKING relationship, toghether.

 

to me women have always been equals. I dont think a man taking care of a women detracts from any sense of equality. and i am not hear to argue. as for being pertinent i think it is.

 

i never said a women cant work. i never said anything a woman cant do. i simply suggest how it may detract from what a marriage is suppose to be when fully-functional, everything is serving as a marriage.

[Gunny376]

I infer from what your saying SOS is that it is the man that should be more dominant ~ aka ~ have the final word in the context of marriage. Which is all find and well, if one can find a woman who is of the same ink. (Mrs Gunny is ~ but that's not the reason that I'm with her, nor do I abuse the privildedge of such)

 

And there are many women throughout the World that think so. But many don't.

 

I'm no fan of the Femin-Nazi movement, quite frankly I believe they've 'won' both the battle and the war and are now over-comensating and carrying things to and exterme. Dito for the civil rights movement. Albiet their are still to this day instances where individuals are discriminated because of their sex and race, but it doesn't apply in any and all situtations and should be examined on a case by case bases...........

[Simpleoldschool]

my fault gunny, i really dont think along the lines of the man being dominant.

 

actually dominance isnt good. as im sure you know a leader is someone who makes decisions with the least consequence for those he walks down the path. they think way outside of themselves for everyone benefit. leaders take the biggest hit so the joes dont have to. atleast thats my philosophy.

 

For me Gods idea of marriage is perfect. he identifies that both should submit, willingly but only in the role as husband and wife in marriage. that the husband should take great heed to the advice of his wife because she is his companion but his decisions should be made in a way that moves the family unit to a successfull outcome. he may see things others dont. as a leader which im sure you are well aware of having served 20, where your at you get a bigger picture and you have to make decisions within the mind of risk management. etc, etc. i wont get into that stuff.

 

im not a dominant person at all, more so to the effect i am very submissive i consider what the majority of people say unless it seems to be with the intent to demean. then i stand my ground until i win that fight. or i avoid the confrontation and move people in the way of moving other things around that make the situation more comfortable.

 

i think everyone should search for an equal balance but not assert that one is being denied anything. everyone sacrifices in a marriage atleast honest people do.

 

as far as the final word...ill say this, men are usually wrong about alot and have to over-compensate by working through the damage and mess they have cause and then get back to the point where they work through the first problem. a man is no master of a women. hell we dont even understand them. something i know little about i try to gain knowledge of first and then work my way around that. i simply think its a measure of both people working towards having the happiness they want. keeping eachother happy and talking through fears and doubts. i just dont like that a women thinks shes so independent she keeps it all inside and then resents a man. i can only begin to know with the information provided.

 

its like an OP order. if the commanders intent is left out, what the hell am i suppose to know about the mission?

 

ill say this as a last piece. right is right. no one can argue that. if a womens right shes right and the man should listen. if the mans right same way. they should be focusing on what benefits them both with a mind focused on that i beilieve marriages would be fine. but also, actually falling in love with someone and not certain elements about them that are attractive is what i think should make a marriage. i just dont see love in people anymore. the 60s really changed the course of american history.

 

anyways hope the OP is doing well!

 

hope he and his wife maybe are being amicable if nothing else.

 

also i beilieve the inverse should be applied in this post women should be doing the same. there are some women who can lead. im not hear to question that so to the op,

 

you need to find you one of them bro. pop your collar and start lookin i guess is the best advice right now i can give you.

 

tommorow ill post on how to start marital couenseling as i dont know yet whether you are divorced.

 

so hopefully we can get you two in there. also listen to gunny, mans got some serious "brains"

Edited May 26, 2013 by Simpleoldschool

[Gunny376]

I'm not just in agreement with what you posted per your last post SOS, I resemble those remarks and sentiments.

 

And your right about the role of being the leader, in order to lead one must learn how to follow, and that also means sacrifice and sacrificing more and greater than those that you're leading. A leader must always be not only willing but able to do that which he or she asks of their leaders. If they're tired then he or she should be twice or more as tired, if their hungry, then he or she should be twice or more as hungry. A leader see to the welfare and benefit of his followers first and foremost before his or her own needs.

 

Keeping this in the context of the marital relationship? This means that a man's wife and children ~ and their wants and needs (within reason) are fulfilled and meet before his own.

 

The FemiNazi Movement has done a lot of disservice to women and their own self perception of themselves as women, as wives, and as Mothers. And its caused a lot of stress on the institution of marriage. As has the modern day conception of materialism. Too many women are way, way too over-worked, and too over-stressed trying to be the career woman, the perfect homemaker, housekeeper, the perfect wife, the perfect mother. Unquestionably this has caused great stress upon the institution of marriage.

 

In my own marriage, (My first and my current one) its not so much that I seek to be so-called "In-charge", but I don't so much see Mrs. Gunny as in charge either. In my conception of marriage there are three entities, myself, Mrs Gunny, and the entity that we created in coming together as a couple.

 

There just are certain things that I as a man am simply not tuned into? And then there are certain things as a man that I'm obligated to do with Mrs. Gunny. Things that I have to work on. One of those is going shopping. For example we needed some cat food for a stray Mama cat and her kitten that hangs around our front door. I could have gone and gotten it quick as a flash. But, Mrs Gunny needed to get out of the house, and 'just' walk around and look. My role? Try and not be like a game warden going fishing with a buddy?

 

To close? Its not so much that Mrs Gunny is in charge, nor I, but its very important to the health and longevity of our relationship that the"we'' of us is in charge of us?

[ZenScribe]

anyways hope the OP is doing well!

 

hope he and his wife maybe are being amicable if nothing else.

 

also i beilieve the inverse should be applied in this post women should be doing the same. there are some women who can lead. im not hear to question that so to the op,

 

you need to find you one of them bro. pop your collar and start lookin i guess is the best advice right now i can give you.

 

tommorow ill post on how to start marital couenseling as i dont know yet whether you are divorced.

 

so hopefully we can get you two in there. also listen to gunny, mans got some serious "brains"

 

I'm doing okay. We're not at each other throats or anything but I only contact her when I absolutely have to. I really have no desire to otherwise.

 

Counseling is out of the question. I took my vows seriously and she didn't. She checked out of this marriage a long time ago. After doing a lot of thinking these past few days, she's is no longer the woman I married. I like to consider myself a man of principle, and some of those that I value are loyalty and integrity, which she apparently lacks. Not someone I want to spend the rest of my life with.

 

That's one of the things that has shaken my confidence about the prospect of having a family one day. I was so absolutely sure that she was a woman of upstanding character, but if I was wrong about her, how can I trust my judgement down the road?

[Gunny376]

Well again Zen you were young when you got into this marriage, and you simply didn't have the necessarily prerequisite tools, skill set, nor experience.

 

There's that, and then most us? When we get married? We're actually are marrying not one but three different people that we're actually marrying.

 

There's the person we think we're marrying!

 

There's the person that we're actually marrying!

 

And then there's the person that comes about as result of having been married to us all these years!

 

Life is about change.

 

Then there's the concept of men not knowing what they're looking for in a woman. Most men can describe in great detail their idea of their perfect car, boat, motorcycle. But if asked what they're looking for in a woman? Most can't get past "Has boobs, a vagina, and shows up naked!"

 

But a pre adolescent or adolsecnet can describe in great detail what she's looking for in a "husband/boyfriend.

 

But what is all the more important in detailing what your looking for? You need to have a clear pretty picture in your head of what your not looking for!

[ZenScribe]

But what is all the more important in detailing what your looking for? You need to have a clear pretty picture in your head of what your not looking for!

 

That's something that has actually helped a lot in letting her go. I wrote a nice long pro's and con's list of what she had that I liked and what she had that I didn't like. The con's outweighed the pro's about 3 -1. Gave me more insight as to what I really want in a woman and how she didn't really fulfill all that. Not saying that I'll find a woman who fits every single thing...but a 3-1 ratio is a pretty significant discrepancy.