oscaroc Posted April 27, 2004 Share Posted April 27, 2004 Does anybody know the percentage of separations that end up back together and for how long? I ask because my wife and I are exploring options for now. Link to post Share on other sites
capitald Posted April 27, 2004 Share Posted April 27, 2004 Are you going to make your decision on the basis of statistics? Well whatever those statistics may be, I would say good luck with that!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author oscaroc Posted April 27, 2004 Author Share Posted April 27, 2004 i am just curious. I would like to know if separation is an actual solution or if it just prolongs the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
leilab Posted April 27, 2004 Share Posted April 27, 2004 My husband and I are discussing separation. I have spent the last 6 weeks reading a number of books and the consensus seems to be that in order to come together, you have to first separate. During the separation you individually work on your own issues, spend the time growing, and ultimately come back together in a more harmonious way. Also, how can you miss someone, if they are always there? In my case, I am hoping to retrieve some of the feelings for my husband that I had at the beginning of the relationship but that have been lost along the way. No guarantees but living together as we are now is producing any results. Good luck, anyways. Link to post Share on other sites
Author oscaroc Posted April 28, 2004 Author Share Posted April 28, 2004 That explains exactly how i feel about it. But what about in a case where one of the two is cheating how do you think that will change things? Link to post Share on other sites
JackieM Posted April 28, 2004 Share Posted April 28, 2004 Someone on here said it best that "separation is usually the kiss of death for a relationship". Not true for everyone but I recently separated from my husband and while being separated realized I'd be much happier without him and filed for divorce. We reconciled briefly - just out of loneliness and realization that it was finally over - we had to reconcile just to put an ending to it all. While reconciling I couldn't stand him touching me and I just felt repulsed by being with him. My husband was a big control freak and very self absorbed. I had to get away - he was more in love with himself than me! I'm counting down my 60 day waiting period. Can't wait to be free. Separation usually gives people time to think about the relationship. Either you reconcile and forgive or you reconcile and are repulsed (like me) or you just never reconcile at all. Either way - don't prolong your agony just because you're afraid to be alone again!!! Link to post Share on other sites
leilab Posted April 28, 2004 Share Posted April 28, 2004 Unfortunately, that was the case and I am the wayward spouse. The affair has been over for six weeks - but not by my choice (which is a big deal to my husband). However, as I indicated my feelings have not changed. My love barometer has been at zero for a long time - way before I started my affair - and since then they have not changed. Separation is the only way that I can see by which I could manage to discover some feelings for my husband, if there are any at all. Kind of a last resort. This conclusion is based in part on my intuition and part on the readings I have done. One of the most important things I have learned is WHAT I NEED in a relationship - not what I want - but NEED. And that is to be fulfilled on a spiritual, emotional, physical and mental level. Anything less will not do. And for all the bad that has come out of my affair that is something I have discovered I cannot live without, children, marriage, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Author oscaroc Posted April 28, 2004 Author Share Posted April 28, 2004 interesting, My wife is the one having an affair and I am very interested in what you think. My situation is she has mysteriously changed history, Now she doesn't love me and never has. Wants to be by herself and be independent. I have seen her e-mails that another guy is sending and they are both in love with each other. Although We are in Utah and he is in CA i still fear they have been in physical contact with each other but i am not sure. She has strayed once before she kissed her ex , as far as I know. I am not living with her or my son we only talk if it has to do with our son. So we are seperated And I am wondering if that is the best Idea? She is giving someone else the very thing I love her for and it is killing me. Any advice would be surely appreciated. I m sorry it is so vague i am just a scaqtter brain right now Link to post Share on other sites
leilab Posted April 28, 2004 Share Posted April 28, 2004 OscarOC: I hear your fear and overwhelming sadness and I feel for you. It must have been hard to decide to leave the house, knowing your wife is "attaching" with someone else. The truth is that until your wife GIVES UP THE AFFAIR, you cannot expect reconciliation with her. She is already on her way with this man - and you stated they are in love. If you really love her and believe that you can forgive her in the future for this betrayal, I suggest you hang in there. But the future will be a rocky road for you. Right now there is no sense in pushing her on anything - she would probably not listen to you. You may want to see if you can agree that you would both see each other once a week (dinner or just at home) to keep communication open and spend time one on one. Hopefully the affair will either play itself out/or she will realize that the price is too high to pay. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author oscaroc Posted April 28, 2004 Author Share Posted April 28, 2004 Thanks for the info. I realize that ineed to give her and myself the space just because Her perception of my motives are false and also she is projecting a lot of stuff she feels on me like it is my fault she strayed. I know I am not perfect and i don't meet all of her emotional needs, it would be lying if she said i haven't tried. In the end I don't know if I could forgive her for this. I couldn't live with her and know that she would never do it again. She is not the sweetheart I fell in love with anymore She used to be delightful to be around and we were best friends . Our problems were simple to solve and we always solved them. We have been together for Five years in this time we have only been apart due to work a total of about 10 days. Thanks for listening and helping It really helps Link to post Share on other sites
leilab Posted April 29, 2004 Share Posted April 29, 2004 Please do not let your wife convince you that YOU are to blame for her straying. Sure, there are a lot things that come into play when couples have problems but having an affair was HER CHOICE. As it was mine - and I do take full responsibility for that. Take care of your own self right now - and figure out what you NEED in your relationship from her if you can reconcile. Some things you can live with and some you just can't. Infidelity seems to be more difficult to accept for men than woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Author oscaroc Posted April 29, 2004 Author Share Posted April 29, 2004 I am trying to keep my distance and not let her get to me but she keeps contacting me and pushing my buttons and I try my best not to lose my temper and retaliate. Because that is what she wants me to do so she has an excuse to leave me. I know that I am not responsible for her infedelity but what causes someone to stray? I think it is because they are not getting something at home ,so somewhere I haven't been doing something That she needs. My Idea is that if i don't give her the responses she is looking for to justify her actions she will soon realize where the real problem is. I just hope it isn't to late for forgiveness. Link to post Share on other sites
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