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A Betrayed Spouse's Big Final Update a Year later: Hope (Divorce, GIGS, cheating)

xenomorph

By xenomorph
in Separation and Divorce

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xenomorph Established Member

xenomorph

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Original thread:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/327386-husband-suddenly-wanted-divorce-left-affair-gigs

 

Divorce should be final shortly! It really can't come soon enough...

 

Since my last post, my Ex, has once again spiraled out. Bailed out of our first in-person "date", and ended up seeking out the affections of someone else again. I'm grateful that I did not invest so much emotional energy into him, so I was a able to recover rather quickly. Felt like a relapse. He also ended up getting into some legal and financial troubles that I want NO part of! He seems to manage to dig himself into holes all well on his own.

 

However, on the matter of telling the boyfriend of the OW my ex cheated with, I decided to gather up all the evidence and tell the bf. Neither my ex or the OW had opened up about the affair, and I had also gotten word that this OW was on the prowl again, using her bf for money.

 

This turned out to be a good decision: the bf was open to hearing me out and seeing the evidence, and that was that. A few weeks later, he messaged me out of the blue thanking me for telling him; he was no longer with the "whore" and that i should be glad that "the piece of ****" was out of my life.

 

Pretty strong words! Turns out my ex had told someone he thought would be discreet, but this person was shocked and appalled at what he heard and told the bf of the OW. Coupled with the evidence I gave the bf, he put 2+2 together and decided to drop them from his life immediately.

 

 

 

I feel more disappointed in my ex than anything; that he wasn't "man enough", strong enough, to own up to his mistakes and make things right. I haven't seen or spoken to my ex in months, and while I will admit to some dark thoughts of revenge that creep up from time to time, most of the time however, I'm thinking of my own life and doing very well.

 

I've come to terms that he is an abusive narcissist, and that I should in no way involve myself with him. Bruising, mental abuse, big or small = deal breaker, and I have to own up and not make excuses anymore. It was what it was and it is, thankfully, over.

 

 

My life is on the up swing now, and it doesn't show signs of slowing down !!

I have even begun to have feelings for someone new; those feelings of love and passion that for a time thought I'd never feel again!

 

More importantly, I've found more fulfillment in my career and working on personal projects, and reconnecting with friends old and new, meeting new people, and having the freedom and confidence to flirt when I'm in the mood ;)

 

 

 

It's been just a little over a year since this drama began. If you are going through this darkness now, know to keep your head above water for those first difficult six months. It will give you the strength to see you through the next six more. The pain comes in waves, tall and tidal at first, but the strength weakens over time (especially painful if your ex was an abusive narcissist). Focus on yourself, and think about all the things that brought you happiness before you ever knew your ex. Forgive them for being stupid humans with flaws beyond their control, and forgive yourself, too. Bitterness will gift you nothing, but love will.

 

don't be afraid to risk your heart

you are now wiser, and a battle-strengthened warrior, so don't fear rejection. There are billions of people in the world, and the hobbies you enjoy and work you do will bring tides of new opportunities to you. Focus on yourself adrift in the world, and you'll collide with warmth and love again.

 

I'm not in a relationship right now, and I don't worry about that. The more i love myself and express joy in the things I do, the more people gravitate to me. When I find someone, I want to be in a position to give and give and never feel empty. I'm getting there, and the ride is kinda fun!

:)

 

 

-hugs-

  • Like 12
  • 2 months later...
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xenomorph Established Member

xenomorph

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So when I posted that, all single and beaming, I was unaware that I was being scoped out at a party I had been to just a few weeks before.

 

A few days after making this thread, that particular person made a move, and we've been hitting it off since!

 

Admittedly, I feel thrown off; I has just nestled into singlehood and got scooped up almost immediately. That's just how it goes, huh? The moment you're happy enough to look away, distracted by all the good in life, there's someone eagerly waiting to join you when you turn back around. :)

 

Whether it works out or not isn't even a worry. It feels good, I feel safe, and we're taking it slow. Lots of mutual respect, clear communication, honesty, and alone time is making this something I can soak in without fear.

 

 

I'm working out how to stop the constant comparisons my brain produces. I know it is just something that will happen, but I'm not sure how to totally deal with it. It's just about the only thing now that gets me blue; no matter how comfortable I feel in this relationship, it's still miles away from the intimacy I had for years. Hopefully more time will take care of that problem.

  • Like 5
2.50 a gallon Established Member

2.50 a gallon

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Good on You. Just let it happen

  • Like 3
Gunny376 Established Member

Gunny376

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Not much to say nor add except "Welcome back from the Darkside!"

  • Like 3
Gunny376 Established Member

Gunny376

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Forgive my ignorance of such? But what is GIGS?

Shocked Suzie Established Member

Shocked Suzie

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Thanks love reading posts like this.... Enjoy your new life chapter :)

  • Like 2
revitup Established Member

revitup

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Gunny,Forgive my ignorance of such? But what is GIGS?

 

Grass is Greener on the other Side?

 

I had to look it up too!

 

Anyway,it is good to see some here wake up and move on from the bad ones.While it is simple....it is not easy.

 

Great for you lady.

 

REVITUP

  • Like 1
robfos Member

robfos

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Forgive them for being stupid humans with flaws beyond their control, and forgive yourself, too. Bitterness will gift you nothing, but love will.

 

I really like how you said that. I feel like my ex has more issues than she even knows. I'm trying to get past that and forgive her. Some times I'm better at that than others. I think eventually when I move on and find someone else that will be easier.

  • Like 5
worldgonewrong Established Member

worldgonewrong

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That's just how it goes, huh? The moment you're happy enough to look away, distracted by all the good in life, there's someone eagerly waiting to join you when you turn back around. :)

 

^^^

BAM!

That's perfect. And true.

The key is (for other readers) to get yourself attuned to all the good in life again, first. The minute that happens, you're unaware of your own burgeoning self-esteem and confidence, and lo & behold, someone else notices that you're radiating all this positivity & appreciation for life.

It happened to me.

  • Like 5
trippi1432 Established Member

trippi1432

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Isn't that how it is though, you climb through the muck, pull yourself out and start putting positive things in your life. That attracts positive things to you. You get back what you put out there.

 

Now I'm just trying to figure out one thing on attraction....why is it I keep attracting men who want to marry me.....:confused:

  • Like 2
worldgonewrong Established Member

worldgonewrong

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Now I'm just trying to figure out one thing on attraction....why is it I keep attracting men who want to marry me.....:confused:

 

Because you're a catch. :)

  • Like 4
trippi1432 Established Member

trippi1432

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Because you're a catch. :)

 

 

:love::love:You guys are sweet!! Made me blush!

 

Now if I could just find the right guy for the right reasons that felt that way because they really knew me.....then I might entertain marriage....after a year or so. When guys start talking that marriage stuff right off the bat, well, like women when women do it, it's scary!! :eek::eek: Starting over doesn't happen in the blink of an eye, not if it means something.

Edited by trippi1432
  • Like 1
  • 1 month later...
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xenomorph Established Member

xenomorph

Posted
  • Author
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^^^

BAM!

That's perfect. And true.

The key is (for other readers) to get yourself attuned to all the good in life again, first. The minute that happens, you're unaware of your own burgeoning self-esteem and confidence, and lo & behold, someone else notices that you're radiating all this positivity & appreciation for life.

It happened to me.

 

Absolutely!

 

Update: starting to really fall for this guy now :)

 

I will admit that I've had at least two episodes where triggers were hit and I ended up getting teary eyed. triggers will happen, but they are very very rare now, and quick to pass. At worst, it makes me fearful and puts me at a pause. In these moments he gives me space and then reels me back in with positive energy and sincerity.

 

I've begun to let my guard down and let this relationship take it's course. Until recently, I still felt like I've been holding my breath, as if waiting to be thrown out into oxygen-deprived outer space at any moment.

 

Fear is restrictive armor, and if I continued to be fearful, I would have sabotaged a beautiful relationship before it had time to grow.

 

 

The simple lesson learned: It's okay to feel hurt and be disappointed sometimes! It's usually no big deal, or a misunderstanding anyway. And if it is a big deal? Then it's just an opportunity to either break or strengthen the relationship.

 

 

Same applies to work: Work has been far more fulfilling lately! My careers is starting to take off and doors are flying open; I never thought I'd get to this point, but here it is :)

 

Positive energy breeds opportunity!

  • Like 2
2.50 a gallon Established Member

2.50 a gallon

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Like you, I was afraid of letting myself go and falling in love again.

 

Then one night, on the way home from our second date, I realized just how lonely I was.

 

My first instinct was to run while the hurt was still small. But that would not have solved my problem of being lonely. The only choice that made any sense was to stay and take it day by day.

 

A year later she was still with me, then it was two years.

 

It has now been over 17 years and counting, I think this one is going to stay.

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