am i being a doormat?

[historian]

Am I being a doormat?

 

A week ago I told my wife I couldn't do this anymore. I had spent the last 6 months trying to make us face the realities of our marriage - no sex, little emotional intimacy, etc. - and dying inside. We had had problems for a while which broke open around a new job 3k miles away where there were no prospects for me, and no discussion. I have lost weight, lost sleep and - most recently - have bouts of uncontrollable crying and some pretty dark thoughts (that I am talking to a therapist about). No MC because she resisted and I didn't push. So with a breaking heart and a wrecked body I told her that this was killing me and I was becoming somebody I didn't want to be - weak, weepy, angry (you can probably still see that!) and snippy.

 

But now the progress! She is already at her job on the other side of the continent in a different country and we have been talking via email and text a bit and SO much commitment to change all of a sudden. She didn't offer to come to my grandpa's funeral a month ago, but now I have 25 pages of journal notes from the last week, a list of books she has bought and an appointment with a therapist (something that I had begged her to do for years for some emotional issues).

 

I mean WTF? I have nothing left - nothing. No energy, depression, and a lot of explaining to do at work for months of sub-par performance.

 

What do people do in these circumstances? Is it just about forgiving and letting go of the resentment? How can your trust? And how, if I say no, can I get over the guilt of ending a relationship without any of the big As (adultery, addiction or abuse). How can you rebuild something like this 3k miles apart?

 

ugh. even if no one answers that was great to get off of my chest

[standtall]

Yes, you are being a doormat. Women do not love men they do not respect, and your weeping and sniveling are a huge turnoff. Now, man up and act like you don't give a s***..otherwise known as the 180 for the puss*** around here... and see what happens. Get off the couch, get of the xbox, get out of the bar, whatever..get in the gym, get a hobby, and be busy. Earn her respect.

[JD1977]

I disagree. I don't think she's gone because you were crying, etc. How much do you really love your spouse if it doesn't hurt you when they leave. It sounds like she has had this in the works for a while. A woman doesn't move thousands of miles away if she has any intention of working on the marriage. But I do agree with Standtall about you needing to start taking care of you! Wether or not she comes back, you need to be working on getting yourself in a good place.

[historian]

Thanks for the reality check. You are both right. She made a choice - me being weepy and weak doesn't fix anything. If she is going to make me the grown up - make me make the choice - I am going to have to get a lot more self respect whatever happens. Thankfully I've been keeping up at the gym throughout all this, but you're right hobbies, friends and everything like that will make all the difference.

 

Thanks a lot, seriously.

[SunflowerKitten]

Hi H,

 

You two have communicated, but has she told you why she thinks things have changed, or why everything has slowed down and the spark dimmed away?

 

Why did she take a job that far away?

 

She didn't discuss it with you?

 

You are in therapy, that is a great thing, it will help you realize the man you are, what you want, and how to help you talk to your wife.

It will help you to know what path to go, work on the marriage, or part ways.

 

Your depression is making you tired and feel exhausted and like you have nothing left.

 

Going to the gym is a good thing, if you are boosting your self esteem and keeping healthy.

Go about your work day as usual, but find ways to see the good small parts of your life.

 

Ask yourself are you still in love with your wife?

Is this just a rut you both are in?

 

As others said find a hobby you like to do.

 

However, i caution you, don't over analyze if you are complimented or talked to by a female at the gym, or at work, or out in public.

Until you know what is happening in your marriage and in your own self, then any type of growing serious female friendship can lead to an A (Affair).

 

Then that will cause a whole bigger mess.

 

Take Care.