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Wife may be on the way out...I need help


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I've been browsing these forums for about 20 minutes now, and I'm so thankful that I found them. I'm going through something that is probably an old hat to most of the veterans here, but it's brand new for me, so I could use some advice. You'll have to forgive me if this is a bit incoherent, but I have been up for 22 hours and just got done with a very exhausting and emotional fight.

 

My wife and I have been married for six years as of about two weeks ago. She is 31 and I just turned 27. We have a 4 year old daughter and boy who will be 1 on Thursday. We met while in school while we were both in the Navy, and got married about three months after we started dating.

 

For the first year that we were married, we used to fight Real Bad. Like, one of us moves out back into the barracks bad. Like, I rip the phone out of the wall as she is trying to call the cops bad. Real bad. I grew up in an abusive environment, and I was always big (6'6", 280 lbs) and being the oldest of six siblings, thought that getting what I wanted meant escalating arguments until the other person backed down. I attended anger management classes and counseling and those types of things are a distant memory. Of course, I still can have a temper, but nothing like it used to be. In fact, when we argue now, all I want to do is capitulate instantly so we can stop fighting.

 

The downward spiral that I find my marriage in currently probably started when I got out of the Navy about four years ago. She was still in, so I stayed at home with our baby while she worked. Of course she resented that (I think most women would). I gained weight, and got pretty heavily into gaming, something I hadn't been into since junior high. When I say gaming, I mean videogames, wargames, miniature painting, and roleplaying games. Basically any distraction. I can be pretty hyperkinetic, and gaming allowed me to have a hobby that kept my mind off raising an infant, which can be mind-numbingly boring at times. I admit that it did get out of hand, but at the time I thought nothing of it, and that her complaints were so much womanly chatter (as most idiots like me feel, I'm sure). I thought to myself "she should be glad it's not alcohol or strippers." I am such a jerk that I can't believe that I used to think that was a valid argument. The fact is, as I got deeper into my hobbies and pasttimes, our marriage suffered. I would indulge my hobbies late at night, when she went to bed. I thought that this was legitimate because we were on different sleep schedules (she would get up at 6 AM and needs about 10 hours of sleep, whereas I got up at 8 with the baby and perform best with 7 hours of sleep). At first, she would get mad that I wasn't going to bed with her, and would complain to me about it, which, in my testosteronic hubris, I would wave her off. Of course, her complaints soon tapered off and then she didn't care anymore if I went to bed at the same time she did. At the time, I was too stupid to realize it, but this was a Bad Sign.

 

Now, I find myself in a very bad place with her. We are both out of the military and living back in my home state of Maine, and it has become very apparent that whatever feelings of attraction and affection are long gone. We are starting counseling, and I have quit gaming completely (my stuff is on eBay), and it is permanent. I am too old for these childish shenanigans, and it is not worth throwing my family away for. I worry that it might be too late, though. She hasn't been into sex for a while now, although she always has orgasms so perhaps that is not as bad as I fear it may be. She has been much more critical lately, getting downright mean and abusive sometimes. She is now the stay at home mom, and I used to complain that she didn't keep the house clean (it's actually quite messy), but I have resolved to stop bitching and just pick up the damn house myself, even though I work 50 hours a week.

 

The fact is, I think I have lost her respect, and consequently have lost her. She says that she "hopes to God" that counselling works, and that she needs to develop feelings for me again. She says that me quitting gaming and helping out around the house more has made things alot better this week. In fact, she got a haircut and started wearing makeup again (don't worry, she's not having an affair). I will literally do anything at all to win her back, but it does have to be for real. I'm going back to the gym tomorrow, and I have about 30 pounds to lose (which isn't all that bad, considering my height). I don't know what to do here, but the consensus on these forums seems to be that I need to back off and not give her any pressure whatsoever. Which is going to be insanely difficult, but so be it.

 

The good signs:

 

1. We just bought a house, and she has talked extensively this week about plans to paint the kitchen this color, or do the floors in such and such a way.

2. We are best friends, really.

3. She made the counselling appt (although at the insistance of my mother)

4. She wants to hang out with me more, although I don't get to touch her.

5. We still laugh and converse and have a good time as long as I keep my hands away from her and I'm not bugging her about the relationship.

 

I swear, I usually am not this whiny but I am exhausted and freaking out over here. I don't know what to do. Any advice at all is helpful.

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DerangedAngel

First, I am glad you two are making efforts to keep your marriage together, and hopefully happy. My advice to you will be short and sweet: If she needs her space, give it to her. I know its hard. You want to jump in and fix everything and show her that you love her. But the most important thing is to respect her (and her needs, etc) right now. If you try to "handle" everything and push her too far, you may lose her forever. I wish you the best of luck! Keep us posted.

 

-Deranged

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Follow the advice you find there. Also, if you have a lifelong problem of being 'hyperkinetic' plus addictive (gaming, etc), ask for psych testing and look into AD/HD. You sound as though you have some of the symptoms.

 

It might not yet be too late, but you are going to have to work your butt off for quite a while to repair all the damage you have caused. Good luck.

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