Just separated from husband of 12yrs, maybe falling for best friend!

[tlp73]

My husband of 12 yrs and I have now separated. I have fallen out of love with him and that all came out last weekend. I love him, but I'm not in love with him. This has been happening for the last 6 months or so. We had our first counseling session last week and I know deep in my heart that this isn't going to work. It has been so quiet around the house since he left (no fighting, arguing etc...) The kids have even noticed. They are upset that daddy isn't here, but they are handling it well.

 

What sucks, is that he moved in with my parents. My parent's think I'm alittle messed up right now. They are also talking behind my back about certain things. You know I thought family was supposed to support each other. I guess not. That's what I'm the most upset about, is my family not supporting me.

 

I have become real close to a friend of mine the last month or so. We talk all the time, til all hours of the night. He understands me and I understand him. I think I'm falling for him, but I'm not sure how he feels.

[befuddled1]

Based on the info you've written, which admittedly isn't a whole lot, it doesn't sound like you've given your marriage much of a chance. Only one counselling session and you have come to a conclusion about how you feel?

 

It sounds to me like you are subconsciously looking for a reason to justify giving up on your husband and your family----enter this guy friend. Of course he listens to you and you think he's the greatest things since sliced bread but that's only because you're vulnerable, confused, looking for a distraction from real life/reality and he knows just what to say to you to make you feel good.

 

Want to know the truth? A good male friend would never take advantage of a married woman's vulnerable state of mind so hopefully that's not what he's doing.

 

There's a lot to be said about the fact that your husband has moved in with your family and they feel you're messed up. Family knows best in most cases, and most families wouldn't rashly take the side of the son or daughter inlaw over their own child so perhaps there is some truth to how they are feeling? Maybe you need to delve down into yourself and examine this possibility.

 

What about your children? Their lives are no doubt ripped apart and scary --- Dad isn't there anymore. That's horribly hard for kids, they will often blame themselves for their parents splitting up. And now you are falling for someone else and you haven't even dealt with the baggage of one relationship?

 

Can you honestly look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you've given your marriage all you had and you've really put your heart into fixing whatever problems there are, communicating and patching things up? Sounds to me like you haven't tried at all. Don't you think you owe that to your husband and your children?

 

You're still legally married. I don't think you have any business getting involved with anyone else at this time. Sort out your dirty laundry first. And be an example and role model to your children, who are innocent bystanders here........marriage is about working through the good and the bad and the dull times and clinging onto the commitment you made to each other on your wedding day.

 

So you say you've fallen out of love with your husband. Nobody said marriage was about going each day feeling like you were on your honeymoon == everything blissful and loving and passionate. Sometimes things get stale...and it takes the effort of both parties to open the lines of communication and do things to rekindle the spark.

 

So what have you done to hold true to your commitment to your marriage vows and familY????

[tlp73]

I have been trying for the last year or so. We have not been getting along since. I asked him then to go to counseling he asked "what for". I also asked him 2 weeks ago to go to counseling he said the same thing. Now that he has actually left, now he wants to go and expects me to give in to him, because that's all I ever do. Have you heard that a relationship includes a giver and a taker. I was the giver and he the taker. It's not suppose to work that way, it should have been 50/50. I have always supported my husband in whatever he wanted to do, it wasn't mutual. I enver expected this to happen, but people do grow apart and that's what has happened.

 

I always let him go and do. But when I want to do something he would make me feel guilty for wanting to go and do. Personally I think that since my dad has been his father figure since he was 17 that his habits have rubbed off on him. Dad is always taking in his relationship from my mother.

 

And this friend of mine would never take advantage of me. He has told my husband and I that we should try and make it work. He has also told me that I need to do what I think is best for me and the kids. I know that people think because there are kids involved that we should stay together, but if all we do is fight and argue that's not good for them.