desperate Posted October 4, 2003 Share Posted October 4, 2003 I promise I will keep this short... 2 1/2 weeks ago, I came home for lunch and my wife was sobbing. I asked her what was wrong, and she explained to me that she is unhappy--with herself (she hates who she is with me), with our marriage, and with me. When I asked her what she wanted to do about it (hoping she would want to seek counseling or something similar) she said she wanted a divorce. She said that there was nothing I could do to change her mind, it was already made up. She would not agree to go to counseling, would not agree to talk about it with me, would not agree to do anything except leave. Our short marriage of almost 2 years has not been the perfect union. We have had problems that I suspect are fairly normal in all relationships, but none that I can think of ever that seemed serious enough for this to happen. She moved out the very next day, and has not changed her tune in the least bit. For at least the first week, I was begging her to come back, and begging her to go to counseling with me. She finally agreed to go to a counseling appointment with me, and it was the worst experience of my life. I found out that the things that are bothering her in our marriage are both current and ancient history! She brought up things that happened 2 weeks into our marriage that she can't forgive me for -- example: We got pregnant before we were married and she made me swear not to tell a soul. I kept that promise (though it was very difficult because that was the most exciting time in my life). When she finally agreed that we could tell people of our pregnancy, she wanted to lie about how far along we were, and what the due-date was etc. I told a group of my friends that we were pregnant and they asked how far along, and without thinking I told the truth. I realize that was a mistake, but I am not a dishonest person by nature, and the truth is something that just comes out of me without thought. Of course, they did the math, and my wife thinks that all our friends think she is a whore and such. There's an example of the types of things she is holding against me. After the counseling appointment, she told me that the only reason she even went to counseling was to say these things in front of someone else. She says she doesn't love me. She says she never did, but she was only in love with the idea of getting married. Everyone that knows us would tell you that is an outright lie. She did love me, we loved each other, I still love her... This past weekend, when she was dropping our son off to me, she informed me that no amount of counseling and no amount of time apart is going to change the way she feels. She would just like to divorce as soon as possible. I don't know really why I am posting this. I've never posted anything like this before, I guess I would just like to know from total strangers if this is as hopeless a situation as I feel like it is. If you read all of this, thanks... Please let me know what you think. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted October 4, 2003 Share Posted October 4, 2003 It sounds as though you married someone who feared or disliked 'confrontation' and so, when she had problems with you, rather than bringing them up and discussing them, she kept them to herself. I don't believe that anyone could live that way their whole lives without amassing a great deal of resentment and that is what you found out at the counsellor's. Marriages which have broken down can sometimes be saved if both parties retain nostalgia and longing for 'the way it used to be at the beginning' and if they agree to work to get that feeling back. Your wife doesn't seem to have any of those feelings, unfortunately, and she resists any suggestion they existed. It is sad and I'm sorry to say it but I fear this is a hopeless situation. I hope you have good support to help you out through this. And you can always vent here and find some sympathetic listeners. Link to post Share on other sites
cindy0039 Posted October 4, 2003 Share Posted October 4, 2003 It's hard to know what's happening here when only hearing one side of the story. Did you and your wife ever have serious discussions about your marriage before this? Fights? Did she express her unhappiness about certain things to you? I can't imagine that this all just came out of nowhere and you had no clue she was unhappy. I think a lot of times people (especially men) in relationships are in denial of certain things that are wrong and are also afraid of confrontation (as it seems your wife was as well). It's the old stick your head in the sand syndrome. They don't believe things are seriously wrong until slapped in the face with it. I'm not saying this is your situation. It's just something I've observed over the years. Maybe her bringing up what happened at the beginning of the marriage was just a way of giving examples of the things that have bothered her...something that stuck in her head. Whether it was a big deal to you or not, it was obviously a big deal to her. You can't discount her feelings. It does sound as if she's made up her mind. Maybe you should continue the counseling yourself to try to work your way through it and get in touch with yourself a little better. If not for your current marriage, it will help in future relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Author desperate Posted October 4, 2003 Author Share Posted October 4, 2003 My wife and I never really had any discussions about this before THE DAY. We did have arguments every once in a while, but nothing really serious. Usually, when she discussed her unhappiness to me it was always about one thing or another, i.e. She was unhappy that we lived in the ghetto, but if we got a house, that would make her happy. Or We were poor, and if I started making more money, that would make her happy. All of the things that were brought up in the course of our marriage came to fruition. We got a house, I got a promotion and tripled my income, but none of the things she said would make her happy ever did. I know that my wife has a history of simply walking away from things in her life that don't make her happy, and I think it is because she tries to find happiness in things outside of herself rather than trying to find it within herself. My wife suffers from depression, and she is medicated for it...However, when we were dating and engaged, she was on Prozac. When she got pregnant, she got switched to Zoloft. I noticed an immediate difference in her demeanor when we got married, and I always made excuses for her such as... she's depressed because she's pregnant and hormonal, or she's depressed because we're poor, or because we live in the ghetto... I have asked her to go back on Prozac simply to see if maybe that could be a contributing factor, but she doesn't like the side effects (namely weight gain--she used to be bulemic) Anyway, I think that answers some of the questions you raised? Link to post Share on other sites
Author desperate Posted October 4, 2003 Author Share Posted October 4, 2003 The main reason I was posting a reply that last time is to ask if anyone has ever used a marriage coach. I've been to several websites that say even if there seems to be no hope and only one spouse is willing to work, coaching can save a marriage in distress... Anyone? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts