Very Numb and Lost. Very LONG. ty

[Autumn_Zephyr]

Hello. I’m 33 and my husband is 33. We have been married for eight years now. We were High School sweethearts for three years and had a very nasty breakup that lasted three years. I’ve known him for 16 years of my life. I have two daughters, three years old and 17 months. My first-born was a preemie born three months early and left me a half million in debt on medical bills.

 

In many ways my marriage was on the rocks two years before my first was born. Now I feel as if my marriage is over. I’m done with trying to fix things, done looking the other way and swallowing my feelings and not standing up for myself. I’m done but I don’t know how to move on and I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing.

 

Early in my marriage, my husband told me he had given a male friend of ours a blowjob. This was explained away as him test driving the goods before he tried to talk me into doing a threesome. I took his actions as cheating and wondered about his sexuality. I’m still not sure if he’s bi or just bi curious. I did forgive him and stayed to work the marriage out. For me that was strike one. Rebuild the trust from that was difficult but it was more of me doubting my sexual worth with him.

 

Strike two wasn’t too long after the first one. We had a shared computer and we were exploring our sexual needs and desires. We often watched porn together. One afternoon, I was looking though his history to see what porn sites he had visited; I found that he had been reading a site dedicated to incest porn stories. Some of those stories were adult with adult and others barely qualified for adult with adult.

 

I blew my gasket. I was molested by my father as a child, as were my sisters who I had custody of at the time. I am ten years older than they are. My husband knew what my father did and he knew how I felt about these things. I watched his history for a week and sat down to confront him. I first wrote a letter to vent my feelings before confronting him. His explanations were that he wanted to see what it was that made my father do what he did. Looking back now, I cannot believe that I fell for that. He made it seem so reasonable, so innocent, so believable.

 

I told him that was strike two. I told him be glad we don’t have kids because I’d be out of here. I told him to never get anywhere near that type of stuff again. He did agree. But we had more problems. In fact the computer became a bone of contention between us. He felt he never got enough time on it, even with a rotating schedule between four people. It took me years to learn that what he wanted was to be on it from the moment he got home to the moment he went to bed. And I am the one who took the abuse and accusation of being addicted to the computer.

 

But this year is strike three. We had purchased a new PC for him and a lap top for me. I wanted some computer time myself. Having two kids does not give me any chance to be on and no chance at all when he’s home. So we are both happy with this for about a month. And then my oldest wanted to get on daddies computer as he had showed her the PBSkids site. I was surprised that I could not even access his computer because he had put a password on it. I waited a whole month to see if he’d say anything to me about this. But I did password mine after finding out. When I confronted him, he told me that he had passworded his in response to me passwording the laptop. But I know that’s b.s.! I explained that our oldest could not get on unless he left it on or if the computer didn’t fall asleep. I didn’t want to risk a three year old loose on a laptop. It took about two months before a child’s account was created on his computer. But he never took off the password and that had me suspicious. So I accessed his history anytime I could when he left it open. He kept deleting his history and I kept reactivating his history. This cold war went on for a while. Until June 25th this year. I found that he had been looking at some loliacon porn, which is just a step away from child porn. And I about lost it then.

 

I wanted to leave but I have no one to go to. I’ve been a stay at home mom from the day my first was born. There is no savings and no bank account. The bills are in my name but he owns the house, his truck and the van. I’m very stuck.

 

I’ve been sleeping on the sofa off and on for the past five months. I don’t see him trying to change. All I got when I confronted him with what I found is that ‘I lost my family, haven’t I?” We can not seem to discuss this problem, without me getting a ‘what do you want me to do about it?” in response.

 

Sex has been the single biggest problem in our marriage, even bigger than money. We’ve never had a lot of money and I’ve never had a lot of sex. My sex drive is higher than his but he’s a daily porn consumer. I have kinks and he’s done his best to try to manulipate them for his own desires. I wanted a monogamous marriage and I didn’t find out until after marrying him that he wanted swinging. Things have gotten so far that this is now an open marriage. He is unable to follow a few rules and boundaries; even when he’s the one who created the rules. I have cut him off. I don’t trust the std safety of his current partner who is a married woman as well. There is so much more to this but I think I needed to get this out. I want a divorce. I want out. And yet I don’t feel hate. I don’t feel much of anything beyond anxiety and distrust and disappointment. I think I fell out of love a long time ago. How do I find the strength to pick up and move forward? How do I make the first step when he won’t even move out?

 

Just call me Autumn.

Edited November 15, 2010 by Autumn_Zephyr
removal of extral HTML

[iheartboobs]

Ho-lee ****!

 

Your husband is one seriously messed up individual. First of all, if you're a guy, and you blow another guy, you're not curious... you're gay. Fact. If you're a straight man, that's not something you have to debate with yourself: my penis = good; all other penis = very bad. Sadly, that seems to be the absolute least of your problems with this freak. He's into kiddie porn and incest... you need to get yourself and your children as far away from him as possible. Take his computer straight to an attorney and see if they can leverage that into you getting full custody with only supervised visitation for him. Seriously, that is some scary ****. This is no joke, and you need to get away from him and you definetely need to get your children away from him. Maybe this is just all fantasy to him and he has no intention of ever acting on it... but, for your children's sake, you can not take that chance.

 

If he won't leave, go see an attorney. Find out the separation and divorce laws in your state and see if you can get him kicked out. If not, move in with a friend or family... this is probably the most abusive relationship I've ever read about on LS, and your children are in danger... how are you still with this guy? Mostly I feel sorry for you and your situation, but a part of me wants to shake you until you wake up, get off your ass, and get you and your kids the hell out of there. What's wrong with you?

Edited November 15, 2010 by iheartboobs

[karnak]

I'm sorry. I admit I'm a bit conservative, so I'm probably not the best person to provide advice.

 

But I think your relationship is messed-up since year 1.

 

You need to find a stable guy, who'll provide emotional stability for you.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

You've given him far more time than most women would...

 

You are no longer in a marriage... The most basic needs in marriage include love and security. In my personal definition a marriage with love and security but no sex is not even a marriage. You have none of the above!

 

The question is, will you continue to live like this or are you ready to take action? The definition of insanity is to continue doing the same things while expecting change...

 

Take control of your life my dear. Do not allow your life to be sucked dry by this man...

[dazedandconfused2008]

By what im reading it sounds like he has sex addiction. The thing about sex addiction...or any addiction for that matter is that the high is short lived and the next high needs to be even greater to satisfy it. Sex addiction usually starts out as simply watching porn or maybe an act but then the need needs to be greater next time. Addictions tend to escalate over time and with every desire fullfilled the need to get their fix is quicker and stronger. The fact that he HAS started to act out (the male friend) and acted upon "fantasy" he has crossed that step. When addicts are "found" out they will try even harder to justify...to hide and sneak and take great lengths to cover their tracks. What if next fix is when one of your children is around? He has given up a long time ago, "i already lost my family", and is not in a place where he wants to address his issues or yours for that matter. You cannot change him and it is a journey of his that you have to detach yourself from and allow him to continue..on his own. You can only control what YOU do and what YOU value. For instance..your childrens safety? and yours? Sometimes we must fall...and we must "lose"...in order to get back up...a different better way. Strength is never given...its whats been hiding within all along. The fact after everything you've gone through your still here is proof to that. Thoughts are with you all.

[Autumn_Zephyr]

@iheartboobs, I agree I can not take the chance. And I know that's the logical part of me but the emotional part, wonders if I'm making a mistake somehow. The big problem for me, is that what he's done so far is not illegal. Highly distasteful, complete breaking of my trust and heart, disruptive of any ability on my part to even be amours with my husband but not illegal.

 

He has told others that he knows he should be the one to leave. I just don't understand why he hasn't already. From the research I've done there is nothing I can do if he's determined to stay until there is some form of property settlement in the divorce. I'm in Virginia, a communal property state.

 

I am still here because I do not see another choice. I will not take my kids to a shelter. I can be nailed with abandonment because I have no physical proof of abuse. My church participates with LINK, and I know how many other woman and children are already needing that support. If I can find another way to do this, it is the better option. There has to be another way than me leaving my home.

 

@karnak, yes 20/20 is always clearer. But I will take advice from anyone, even a conservative. When I married I expected it to be just me and him forever. I went into this believing we only marry once and for life. This is hard for me to accept how much things have changed and in what direction they have changed. It is hard for me to accept that it's best to end it.

 

@She's_NotInLove_w/Me, I think you are right. I have bent over backwards trying to make this work. There is so much more to all of this that I only gave the big highlights. You're right, it feels like a room-mate now. Just common comfort of knowing when someone's home and someone to talk to. Am I ready to take action? I have in small steps. It's hard to do the full jump. This mess is still one of the better situations I've been in my life and that includes my childhood.

 

@dazedandconfused2008, I'm going to look into that some more. The way you explain it makes sense. His bisexual encounter was about seven years ago, so this has been slow in coming. After the incest story confrontation, the computer history cold war started. I've been fighting a silent fight in trying to find out what he was hiding all these years. Most times, nothing but a daily consumption of porn. But about a month back I asked him how many times in a week he views porn. He said about two or three. That blew me away. I've been tracking it. The only time he doesn't view it, is when he's late for work, or we've been out and about on weekends. Either he was lying or he don't really know just how often it is.

 

Yes, that whole "I've already lost my family' bit scares me. It took me two weeks for him to see it from my pov and I'm not sure if he was parroting or did he really get it. But the entire time I felt as if he was playing mind games in other areas.

------

 

 

I need to make sure I've done all that I can. I know what my limits are and this is the ball buster. I know I'm going to need lots of help. Apathy is an old habit and I've had help in combating it. My eyes are open. I really needed to hear what everyone here would say. I tried to give just the basics but even that I guess can not hide how disgusting his actions are.

 

I am worried. He's been paying close attention to sex-offender arrests on our local news site. That's a new behaviour. And he's searched for 'tinkerbell henti' and 'tinkerbell upskirt' I find it gut wrenching disturbing. The only explanation I can find is that my daughters have gotten into the tinkerbell fad with the movies. But knowing he's getting aroused by this is....yuck.

 

I hate to say this but I know I'm going to need a lot of hand holding though this. I do not feel like I can do this alone. I am afraid that I will cave in. Is it even acceptable to ask for hand holding? Who do I ask?

[toofargone]

Hi Autumn, I don't know why I'm giving you advice when I'm in the middle of a huge mess of a marriage myself. I can tell you want to get out, and you know that you NEED to protect your kids from him. Is this as bad as you think it is??? YES, YES IT IS. I know you feel like you are going crazy, constantly questionning his motives and what he is up to. And evaluating the risk to your children. I'm telling you the risk for him hurting them is HUGE. I understand that you have nowhere to go and you just need him gone. Can you contact a women's shelter or group that helps abused women? I found this website for Virginia and it might be helpful to you... http://www.vadv.org/ Even though he is not physically abusing you, I imagine these people might have some ideas of how you can protect your kids and get him removed from your home. There are red flags just flying all over your posts. I'm a stay at home mom too and I know its terrifying to have to be dependent upon somebody you do not trust. But when the safety of your kids is in jeopardy-you have no other choice here. Do not leave him alone with the kids, not even a run to the store. I'd just flat out tell him, either he leaves NOW or you'll make him leave. But before you do it, find a way to save files from his computer as evidence to get him out. I'd live in section 8 housing, on welfare, foodstamps and riding the bus before I stayed another second in a home with a man like your husband. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Maybe you just needed someone else to know the details, you needed validation that this situation is really screwed up. Yes, it absolutely is. Protect your kids.

[goingstrong]

Autumn...listen to these posters. Get your children away from that thing called a man ASAP..they're in grave danger. Needless to say, your marriage is toast, be grateful he hasn't gotten to your children, because it is not a matter if he will get to them, but when.. To bad your in VA,too far for me to lay down a epic beat down on that thing.

[Eternity001]

Wow, this is easily the most intense thing I've read here so far.

 

I don't know anything about various state laws not being from the States but to me, as goingstrong said, it's not a matter of if but when.

 

I'm not sure what keeps you anywhere near this man despite his behaviour not technically being legal which in turn I have to ask why you feel you need to defend this person. He clearly has a plethora of problems that I am sure will become illegal in time. I'm sure you're not aware of everything he's done.

 

Do you not have family/friends anywhere, you can go, at this point if it were me I wouldn't care who morally should leave, I would just get the hell out.

[Autumn_Zephyr]

@Eternity001, I don't have anyone to go to. I've called and talked to everyone I thought would have room but they don't. I've been expanding my social network sense the girls were born, though church and reconnecting with old gf's on FB. Yesterday, one of my old HS friends told me she was willing to watch my girls so I could work. She's 30 miles / four cities away from me. She's willing to do it for free for a while too. In four months of searching she's the only one willing and capable of helping out.

 

I'm not trying to defend him. I think I'm trying to be clear on the facts and not bias the facts. Many times me and my husband don't recall things the same way and it always with a different slant. I don't want to prejudice anyone with what I've wrote here.

 

I don't know if there is anything I'm not aware of. He's told me I know all there is to know. But he comes home from work and is on the computer, eats dinner and goes to bed. He doesn't have friends to speak of, so he's not going out ever unless he's visiting his gf.

 

But now that I'm going out more, church, gf's & playdates for kids, there is opportunity. I'm not worried if he's out having sex, I could care less. I'm worried about this taboo kink of his. I'm so paranoid it's driving me nuts. I check his computer daily. I'm at the point that I want to install a keylogger but I don't see the point. I know I don't trust him. But what good would it do me anyway?

 

I'm not going to a shelter. The ones here are full, both the homeless and battered woman's shelters. I refuse to put my kids though that when there is another way. It's just going to take longer and it's going to be a lot more work for me to do this. I have to find full time work in this economy, which is now three months of job searching.

 

I don't know when this is going to get broke with the in-laws. There are nice people but they are going to want to know why. I don't want to cover from him on this. I'm worried about the explosion that will occur.

 

I don't understand what he's thinking. I'm still sleeping on the couch and he's becoming nice. Even happier. He's starting to help around the house, with the kids. The mood lately is what I've wanted it to be. But it's breaking my heart. I don't want him to touch me or pet my hair. I know the moment I relent, he'll go right back to being a slob, into the computer and me doing everything or worst I'll slide back into depression and nothing will ever get done.

 

It's like he's ignoring the problems, ignoring the fact I have asked for a divorce many times. I know he's not going to make this easy financially, but now he's going to put the screws to me emotionally as well?

 

I'm trying to do the 180 while living under one roof. I'm not trying to get him back...but I'm trying to move forward while being scared out of my mind. I've never been on my own in my entire life and I'm going to be and be responsible for my two little ones. I'm terrified.

 

It's so easy to give in. It's a struggle to stay hard, stay firm in this. I see it affecting the girls. They have always been daddy girls but I've always felt it was because of how much he's ignored them. My three year old is already picking up on my feelings and behaviours. She's refusing to kiss daddy. She hasn't seen mommy and daddy hug or kiss in a few months now. But lately she's been crying when he goes to work, that he's gone. She's afraid he's not coming back. I do my best not to talk about this outloud, I use a lot of texting. I don't know where this is coming from. It's heartbreaking for me.

 

But tonight I'm going to a party, that's the cover story and I'm going to talk to three gf's of mine about what's going on. I hope to get advice, a shoulder, maybe additional babysitters or even a potential room mate. Sunday I will be taking to the Minster of my church. Not sure why or even if it's a good idea, but I'm hoping to find babysitters.

 

I am making plans, I have to do lists and I have a deadline. My head knows what I need to do. My heart is just numb.

 

Just call me Autumn.