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My Wife wants to separate and I don't


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Old 13th October 2010, 11:09 AM   #1
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My Wife wants to separate and I don't

Hi there,

Well it will be hard to put all our history down but here is a brief summary.

We have been maried 10 years next month. Together for 11. We have 2 kids together 9 and 6 and I have 2 older step daughters that are now out of the home.

In the begining of our relationship it was very rocky. My wife was abused when she was yonger and hadn't resolved her feelings about it.

She would rage when she drank. She was both phiscally and metally abusive. Which was once every couple of weeks back then. But I knew the cause and I stayed. We did come close to splitting up. She would go out and close down the bars with her single friends while we had a baby at home. (My first child)

After a couple years of that she did finally find someone that helped her cope with everything and the raging basically went away.

We then moved to maine about 6 years ago. I have been running my own business for about 8 years now. When we moved to maine she started working with me.

For about the first 6-7 years of the business I had to work alot and she would take care of the kids and the home. (I did work from home until about 5 months ago, now we have opend a retail store)

My wife was unhappy that I wasn't doing more to help out with the family and around the house. But never told me how she felt, she felt guilty for how she had treated me in the past and thought she owed it to me I guess.

She came to me a couple of months ago and she said she need to change things. Wanted to be able to go out with her friends, wanted more help with the kids and at work.

I focused on the going out with friends. Which I know was a mistake. But I can't take that back. I didn't want it to get back with here going out all night again like before. So that was all I heard in her conversation. So I have now started helping with the kids and the things around the house more. (I was helping before but she was doing more than I was at home and I took care of the business)

She told me she doesn't love me any more that it is too late. I wanted to go to counsling, she won't.

We did go back when we were having issues before the the counsler told here she was doing the wrong things and it pissed her off and we stopped going after just a few weeks. So now I think she doesn't want to hear that again.

I feel so hopeless about saving my marriage. She now wants to move out and get a place to see if she will miss me and start to love me agani. But I am scared that will end it for sure....

Any advice? I am also going to see a relationship counsler by my self today....
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Old 13th October 2010, 11:12 AM   #2
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Ps

PS

This is her 4th marriage and my 1st. I am 37 and she is 43. I don't think there is anyone else. But I am afraid if she moves out she may want to test the waters.
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Old 13th October 2010, 11:18 AM   #3
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She has a lot of practice. It's easy for her. I was married to one of those for ten years. Let her go. She's just the type who moves from marriage to marriage like single people change GF/BF.

You and your child stay in the marital home. Have a lawyer handle the rest. She knows the drill.

Maybe #5 can provide her with retirement
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Old 13th October 2010, 11:38 AM   #4
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Hi I know part of me thinks that. I already provided that I think. But I was actually the longest and one of them was just so they could get a house and then they got it annulled.

Part of my wants to say F off. But that's not how I really feel. I know with the past marriages and her issues of abuse the chips were stacked against us.

I still love her though and would do anything to make it work....
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Old 13th October 2010, 5:29 PM   #5
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Are you absolutely sure there isn't any other man involved?

I'm sorry if this isn't of much help, but after reading so many stories on LS I seriously advise you to investigate.
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Old 13th October 2010, 5:38 PM   #6
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The best shot you have for your marriage, and definitely the best shot for you regardless of what happens to the marriage, is to detach. Be cool, calm and collected, and realize that you have no control over what she does and what she's thinking. Detach from the outcome, and start detaching emotionally. Let her go.

Even if you lose your marriage, don't lose yourself.
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Old 13th October 2010, 10:47 PM   #7
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Exclamation

jaylalib :

Wow, we went from you helping out more around the house and with the kids, straight to "I don't love you anymore & it's to late"! I guess this go's to prove that your "damned if you do, or damned if you don't"!

Jay, I hate to make you think about this, but you seriously need to consider the fact, that there just might be some else in the picture. This just doesn't make any sense. You start to comply and give in to your wife's requests and POW you get hit with "I don't love you"!?!

Now, I would strongly advise you to think long and hard in what I'm about to say! If you do indeed, even a little tiny bit suspect someone else is in the picture, your more than likely going to want to investigate it to it's logical conclusion. But be warned, once you start down the road of playing little Mr. Detective against your wife, no good can come from what ever it is you might find. This is a double edged sword, if you do play detective and investigate your wife and find out that there is some one else, this will spell doom! But also if you suspect some one else, do investigate and find nothing, than you might always be left with the unprovable suspicion, which in some cases can also spell doom!

Also something else to note, if you decide to forgo playing Mr. Detective and decide to be tough and keep things "as is" and stick it out, this to can spell your doom! No good things can be had when both partners in a marriage don't play ball with each other. Just don't get stuck in the rut of being the only partner doing their "fair share". Don't start falling into the trap of picking up some of your partners responsibilities, because she now does not love you and has no interest seeing anything through.

I tend to agree 100% with what forum member GorillaTheater told you! Just don't fool yourself here, again what ever road you pick to travel on, your kind of "damned if you do, and damned if you don't"! If your wife is unwilling to seek out help, like she did once upon a time, if she is now that unwilling to get that help and try to work on things with herself and the marriage, what is there really left?..............answer "NOTHING"!

I would say to you "let her go", and what ever happens beyond that point is up to the universe to unveil itself to you, all in good time!
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Old 14th October 2010, 4:35 AM   #8
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I agree with the above poster----you are getting the thousands, millions of times repeated pattern---of someone already in an A., and using various excuses to cut you back, and further the A. itself------Do not hide your head in the sand----investigate what she has been doing and what is going on very thoroughly-----she may be deep underground, and covering her tracks very well
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Old 14th October 2010, 9:07 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by karnak View Post
Are you absolutely sure there isn't any other man involved?

I'm sorry if this isn't of much help, but after reading so many stories on LS I seriously advise you to investigate.
Hi there,

Yes 98% sure. We work together in our business. So we really are raley apart. I can hear all her conversations from my desk. Since we have been having problems I have been checking cell phone records and emails even txt messages. Nothing out of place. I even have been keeping an eye on internet history. I don't think that is it. I don't get the feeling in my gut that it is someone else. I tell her that if she wanted someone else to tell me and I would give her the divorce. I know I can't force her to do anything.

The problem is that she felt so much guilt from the way she treated me in the begining that she didn't want to complain about the things she wanted me to do. Until it was too late. If she ever asked for anything thing I would always do it. I never tell her no. She just thought it would be easier that way.

The first time we went to therapy the counslr told her if she needed something, just ask for it. She thinks I should have wanted to do those things all along. And that now that I am doing them, they are out of desparation to keep her. She also thinks I won't keep it up long term. That I will go back to the way things were.

I am starting to realize that I have to just let what ever happen, happen. It's just hard. My heart is broken. I wish she could just see inside my head to understand my feelings or something. To let her know that I would do anything to fix this and keep her happy.....

I am also scared that she will come back to me but I will have shut down already.

Last edited by jaylalib; 14th October 2010 at 9:18 AM.. Reason: added more
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Old 15th October 2010, 2:46 PM   #10
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Tomorrow is the big day

Well tomorrow she is moving out. I feel so empty right now. I know it will pass. But this is not what I want. Can anyone please tell of some separations that worked in the long run. Everything I have read on hear it hasn't worked out. I just feel lost.
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Old 15th October 2010, 3:07 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by jaylalib View Post
Well tomorrow she is moving out. I feel so empty right now. I know it will pass. But this is not what I want. Can anyone please tell of some separations that worked in the long run. Everything I have read on hear it hasn't worked out. I just feel lost.
Jay: We all know how you feel. It's a terrible time right now. The shock, the emotions, looking back at what you can do to fix things. etc etc. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do. Everyone's situation is unique to their own. What might have worked for some, might not work out for you. Please take the advice that's been given to you. And as tough as it is to detach yourself...you must. Beging, pleading, doing nice things will not work...trust me. If you are not seeing a therapist, please do. Most important thing is to talk to anyone that will listen to you. Family friends co workers, here on LS. You need to take care of yourself right now, and forget about what she is thinking, or how you can change her to come around. It's just not going to work...If she wants to come back, she has to be willing to work things out. You cannot force this....
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Old 15th October 2010, 3:34 PM   #12
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The only thing i can say is that what doenst kill u make u stronger... Hang there like im doing is not easy but not imposible neither
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Old 15th October 2010, 3:38 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HopelessinDTW View Post
Beging, pleading, doing nice things will not work...trust me. If you are not seeing a therapist, please do. Most important thing is to talk to anyone that will listen to you. Family friends co workers, here on LS. You need to take care of yourself right now, and forget about what she is thinking, or how you can change her to come around. It's just not going to work...If she wants to come back, she has to be willing to work things out. You cannot force this....
I agree. The clingy, needy stuff is hugely unattractive. It never works. Ever. Don't let her see your pain. Be the cool, collected and confidant guy she fell in love with in the first place and that a better catch will in the future.
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Old 15th October 2010, 9:55 PM   #14
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Hang in there and admit she's gone forever, get used to it and get on with your life.

If she does decide to come back that's fine but do not count on it.
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Old 16th October 2010, 4:47 PM   #15
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Thanks

Hi again,

Well I haven't been pleading. I have been trying to stay cool. I am lucky I do have some friends and family that has helped with talking to them. I do appreciate all the advice and words of support. I am trying to detach from her. It doesn't help that we are still going to our retail store everyday together. She is probalby going to look for another job but it's hard she makes us money when she is here. We are not fighting at least. If I have learned anything at all from this you should talk to you partner if you need something from them, not hold it in and let things build up.

Our kids took it pretty well too when we told them we were going to take a break. Not even any tears. But that may come later as they start to process everything. And we are not fighting about the kids. I am keeping them 4 nights a week she is doing 3.

on a side note, they want to sleep in my bed now everynight they are there. I feel like that might be a bad idea. I let them the night we told them about it. But I was going to have them go back in their room. (They share a room, by choice)

Nick is 9 and Allie is 6

thanks again

Jason
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