I don't know.

[young&confused05]

Hi. I don't really know what to do or what to say. I'm confused and wondering why I should bother. My husband and I have been together for more than 7 years and married for almost 5. We have a son and I'm pregnant with our 2nd son with only about 8 weeks to go. I feel I'm living with a jerk who doesn't care about or respect me. I'm not feeling this way due to pregnancy, I've felt this way for a while. My son and I are moving tomorrow, in with my mom, dad and grandma. As much as I don't want to leave my house I can't stay here with the silence anymore. It's a small house and the only way I can be away from the silence is to stay in my bedroom and all I want to do when I'm in here is yell at him and ask him if he's happy now that I'm leaving.

I honestly don't know why I should bother dealing with certain things or putting up with other things anymore. I'm young and I know I'm going to be accused of making a rash decision by leaving but I don't think anyone that is going to accuse me of that is going to be able to explain why I should keep putting up with it. Both my mother and father are going to blame me because they think my husband is perfect. My mother at one point asked him how he could possibly put up with me. I'm not a horrible person but they would have you believe I am. But really, why should I put up with it?

[2sunny]

what exactly, have you been putting up with? you don't say.

 

i can't tell what the actual problem is - you don't say a thing except he is silent and you are leaving...

 

how have you participated in what has happened to your marriage? be specific.

[Woggle]

What exactly does he do?

[young&confused05]

Sorry for not being more specific. I'm tired and my head/thoughts are completely unorganized. There's nothing big. It's all little things piled into a huge mountain. None of them are even that bad or at least some people say they aren't. His family (not all but most) treat me like garbage. Not his fault but he doesn't try to do anything about it and doesn't even try and comfort me when something happens like when his sister's boyfriend verbally attacked me. He just doesn't care. What does he do? Nothing that I actually need him to. We needed to do some renos on the house. Guess who did them? My dad. I need him to put things in the attic sometimes. He doesn't so I do including a week ago when I was 31 weeks pregnant. I put the ladder next to the stairs and lifted 2 heavy boxes up. They had been sitting in the hallway for 2 months and I had to crawl over them to get into my son's room. They had to go in the attic and I had to do it. The toilet paper roll holder is broken and he's not come close to fixing it. Like I said nothing huge, just the little things that everyone has to put up with.

He hides things from me, he won't talk to me.. No I'm not innocent in this, no one ever is. His main excuse for everything is that he forgets and that's one thing bad on my end. I refuse to believe anyone can constantly forget to close the cupboard door after getting something out.

[tojaz]

It does sound like he has withdrawn some, from the little bits you have given. Not defending you to your sister in laws BF, I can see that being a major issue but again, not much detail. Otherwise, I dont see anyone wanting to end a marriage over a broken toilet paper roll and an open cupboard! Other wise toilet seat up would be a check box along with irreconcilable differences.

 

Not that I am trying to make light of the story, I just think there is a lot more to the story that is not being shared. LS is anonymous for good reason. So people can share those details in order to seek help and guidance... or just to vent to some willing sounding boards. I know we would all be willing to help if we can. Take some time and tell us your story in as much detail as you are willing.

 

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Hi Y&C - I can understand exactly where you are coming from....both of my ex-spouses "shut off" during the pregnancy stage...biggest reason.....they didn't know how to relate. Sorry guy, men just don't understand how the hormones change, the body changes....etc.

 

Suddenly, those renos become very important....during the nesting stage, those boxes do not need to still be sitting there....am I getting close? Women don't expect to be worshiped because they are carrying your child, but we don't want to be treated like second-class citizens either right?

 

He doesn't hear anything you are saying because of the way you are both communicating. Guess who else can hear that communication too....your first child as well as the one you are carrying. You've stated that you have to go in your room to get silence, and I expect that you are having to yell back for him to hear you right?

 

What have the two of you tried in just sitting down and really talking? When I say talk, I don't mean, "When you just let those boxes sit there it really makes me mad. I want to leave!!". I mean, when have you said, "I will be so happy when this baby gets here and the renovations are progressing nicely; however, those boxes do need to get up in the attic by tomorrow, I'm sure I can count on you to do that for me since I shouldn't be lifting them in my condition? Do you agree that you can get to that first thing tomorrow?". First, you brought yourself down to a "human" element, you reminded him that there are two of you in the relationship, also there is a medical condition, you've let him know what you need, when you need it by, why you need it and are working towards getting agreement.

 

Really, unless you have some more details to add, I think this is really just issues with communication skills. You can look those up on the Internet or read around the boards, there are many suggestions on books to read for effective communication in marriages. On the family respect issue....the communication skills can work there as well too....learning to cope. I miss my second ex's family more than I miss him....go figure....lol.

 

I think you will be okay, nerves, frustration.....getting close to term. Don't move home...sit down and have an effective talk with him. Spend some time on here today to figure out how to word what you need from him.

 

Good luck,

 

Trippi

[You Go Girl]

There's a lot to be explored here from what you write, but as Tojaz said, you will need to organize your thoughts are articulate them well.

Let's start with your complaints. Your H doesn't respect you. I agree about the boxes in the hallway. But let's inspect some other things. How does he talk to you? Articulate exactly why you feel disrespected.

Secondly, why would you want to move in with parents that you also feel don't respect you? I see ensuing arguments, childish battles, if you move in there, especially after your mother asked your H how could he put up with you.

Now the painful part, why did she say that? Are you unreasonable and don't recognize it? Or does your mother delight in humiliating you? If you are unreasonable in your demands and expectations, then you need to do some self-examination, which would involve admitting to yourself first, when you are being childish. If it's the second scenario--that your mother enjoys humiliating you, then that's the last place you should move to, and staying in your home would be a better choice.

What is this silence that you speak of, that you must go seek out more silence (alone in your room) to get away from? Is that a little ironic, that you seek silence to avoid silence? Explain exactly what this silence is.

And, you said he hides things from you. What does he hide from you? this is important.

[young&confused05]

There is more to it than just the toilet paper roll, I would never leave for just that. It's a snowball effect. He doesn't listen to me and hasn't for more than a couple years. The example I use is that I could tell him the sky is blue but he'll come home and say so and so told me the sky is blue, did you know the sky is blue? Never listening to me is the base of the pyramid that tells me he doesn't respect me, on top of it is all the little things like the toilet paper roll. He doesn't care enough to listen and he doesn't care enough about me to fix anything. Literally anything. He flat out refuses to talk to me. He hasn't talked to me in 2 weeks. I've tried to sit down with him, he's silent. Last night I tried to get him to talk to me, silence. Not a single word. I told him a few days ago that I'm unhappy and nothing but silence. I gave up and finally told him that I guess I'm going to move my son and I into my parents house and nothing. He still didn't say anything. Really not a single word. Not 'OK' not 'why'.. nothing.

Going to my room for silence: My son and I are in the living room when he comes home from work, he doesn't look at me or talk to me. He goes upstairs and gets changed, comes back downstairs and even though the tv is on and my son is being loud, it's quiet. I don't like sitting in a room where I'm being ignored so after a few hours I grab my laptop and go to my room where it's also silent but at least it's not silent because I'm being ignored. I have tried to talk to him, every day. Doesn't make a difference.

It's not because of the pregnancy. I just happen to be pregnant during this breakdown. There have been other breakdowns (2, neither of them half as bad as this one) when I wasn't pregnant. In the past we have sat down together and talked about how each of us are feeling and the issues in our relationship. He refuses to do that now.

I'm moving in with my parents because I have nowhere else to go and I can't stay in a house where the person that is supposed to care about me, doesn't. Where I have no one but a 3 year old to talk to. My parents are very old fashioned. My dad is almost 70. I'm only sharing that because they grew up in a believing that only older people deserve respect. My parents are older than me so I don't get respect from them but I should get it from people younger than me. It doesn't make sense but that's the way they were taught. My mother doesn't like me much. She's just that type of person. If you aren't exactly like her or at least think and act just like she does then she won't like you. She likes my sister, my sister listens to every word she says and does everything and anything my mother wants her to. I don't. She wanted me to circumcise my son. I refused and she stopped speaking to me for 2 months.

It'll be ok there for a little while at least. I've been trying to assert myself with them more over the last 2 years and it's working. It's slow going but it is getting better.

I know he's hiding things from me and I don't know what it all is but I do know a few things. I have no idea what his work schedule is anymore, he won't tell me. I have no idea what our financial situation is at the moment. That sounds more serious than it is. Originally he hid it from me because I was at the beginning of my pregnancy and we wanted to keep my stress level down. I had no problem with it then but he still won't tell me and it's been months now. Whenever I ask if we have enough to pay bills he says we're fine. He has at least 3 email addresses that he's hidden from me. This bothers me not because I'm afraid he's going to cheat but because in the past he's hidden conversations he's had about me with a female friend of ours. We've always promised to never hide anything from each other and I've never broken that promise (except now I guess. He doesn't know that I've joined this forum) In the last 3 years he's broken it at least twice.

The conversations about me to the female friend bug me and he knows that. I don't want her knowing our business.

There are minor hurts that I'm having a hard time getting over and surprise surprise they involve that female friend. At one point her husband kissed another woman. I tried to be there for her, I listened when she needed to talk and I told her that if she needed anything she could count on me. She called one morning in tears and we immediately said we'd be right there. She called back a few mins later and said that I wasn't welcome. I didn't understand why. I'm very sensitive and I just sat on the couch and cried. Husband gave me a hug and was out the door with me still on the couch crying. He left his crying wife to make a crying friend feel better. I haven't gotten over that. She told me about a year later that she didn't want me there because she was afraid I would attack her husband. She had absolutely no reason reason to think that. I am not a violent person. I wasn't even angry at him for what he did. Why should I be he wasn't my husband, it had no effect on me. I felt bad that she was hurting and all I wanted to do was give her a shoulder to cry on. She doesn't know me very well and she likes to assume things. Not a good friend I know.

Something else I'm having a hard time getting over though this one doesn't bother me as much as the first. It was a week away from my birthday and friend and her husband and son said they were coming to visit. I thought great! I can do a nice lunch and the boys can play together and it can be a little birthday thing also. I don't like big parties so I figured since they were going to be over anyway that she could give me a hug and tell me she's glad I was born. So they told us what time they would be over. We altered our son's nap to go shopping for lunch stuff and came home. Son fell asleep in the car just like I planned. We got him into bed and then waited. Waited. They were late. Then we get a phone call. She says she doesn't feel like driving to our house so will we meet them in town. Well. I couldn't leave because son was sleeping. Husband went anyway. Way to make me feel like I'm worth something.

Other issues. His family doesn't like me. Not all of them but most. We have been together for more than 7 years, married for almost 5. His mother, brother and sister have never once accepted me as family. His brother likes a girl and she's family before they even start dating. Yes I'm jealous of that. I have never done or said anything bad to them yet they treat me like I don't exist. The sister's boyfriend thing. It's a long story that I would really rather not get into. We were on vacation with them. I was tired. I said I wanted to go home. Boyfriend blew up at me. Started yelling, calling me names, told me that I should have never been a parent (wtf did that come from?! I really have no idea) I yelled back. You don't start yelling at a tired hormonal pregnant woman in front of her 3 year old son and expect her to take it. He finally stopped yelling, the car stopped, I got out, got my son out. We walked away. Husband dropped them off and came back for us then we went home. Husband never once tried to get boyfriend to stop yelling, didn't defend me. I've had enough drama with those people and I'm done with them. Husband doesn't care. You'd think he would care since his mother is included in the drama that I don't want to deal with anymore.

 

Ok. I've written a book here. My eyes hurt and my son will be waking up soon so I'm going to stop. I'm sorry if things aren't clear and I'm sorry that it's a jumbled mess. I'm angry and quite frustrated so I'm having a hard time getting my mind in order.

[trippi1432]

Getting the more detail helps, let's put it in perspective though to get to understanding:

 

1. You feel that your husband doesn't respect you. This being attributed to the recent silence, running to be by the female best friend's side and not defending you to his family.

 

2. It appears that he is hiding things from you such as financial information, who he is chatting with, his work hours....etc.

 

3. You are going to move in with your parents who you have some issues with, but have been working on those issues.

 

4. Your husband won't talk to you about anything these days; however, he has spoken to you in the past about the relationship? What happened 2 weeks ago that has him not speaking to you now?

 

I know that looks simple, but in reality it isn't...but in your state (pregnant), emotions will run high....let's work with trying to break it down to logical buckets for a simple look, then we can get down to some perspectives.

 

Does that help?

[young&confused05]

Getting the more detail helps, let's put it in perspective though to get to understanding:

 

1. You feel that your husband doesn't respect you. This being attributed to the recent silence, running to be by the female best friend's side and not defending you to his family.

 

2. It appears that he is hiding things from you such as financial information, who he is chatting with, his work hours....etc.

 

3. You are going to move in with your parents who you have some issues with, but have been working on those issues.

 

4. Your husband won't talk to you about anything these days; however, he has spoken to you in the past about the relationship? What happened 2 weeks ago that has him not speaking to you now?

 

I know that looks simple, but in reality it isn't...but in your state (pregnant), emotions will run high....let's work with trying to break it down to logical buckets for a simple look, then we can get down to some perspectives.

 

Does that help?

 

 

Yes but not so much the friend thing anymore, more the fact that he doesn't listen to a single word that comes out of my mouth.

 

Yes

 

Yes

 

I have no idea what happened. He's been seeing a therapist because he thought he might have adhd or something along those lines. Nothing specific has happened with him and I to cause the refusal to talk.

[young&confused05]

You know what? This sucks. He's a jerk for not wanting to talk and work things out. I'm here at my parents house and they have me and my son set up with a bedroom if we want it or their camping trailer if we want more privacy. We were supposed to go to a meeting at our son's preschool tonight which I now have to go to alone. I'm going to be giving birth within the next 2 months and I'll be doing it alone in a crappy hospital instead of at home with the person who is supposed to love and care about me. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do now. I feel like crawling out of my skin knowing that he doesn't want to bother to try and fix what has gone wrong. I look at my son and try as hard as I can not to cry because he's going to go the rest of his life with parents that hate each other. The baby I'm carrying now won't ever know what it's like to live in a house with 2 parents. All because husband refuses to talk.

 

How to deal with the anger? Normally I would talk. Talking helps with anger but I have no one to talk to so what am I supposed to do? I'm betting my blood pressure is crazy high right now.

[just_some_guy]

Have you tried therapy? On your own or as a couple?

 

I mean YOU have some part in this too. It isn't 100%, "all because he won't talk!"

 

I've been down that road. For my situation, "He won't talk" was bit more like "I don't like to hear what he says when he talks so I shout him down." I let her shut me down, something she got better at as time went on. Two parts to that story for sure. Me allowing myself to get shut out and her not wanting to hear what she didn't want to hear. I don't yell and scream, so I don't get heard and I get frustrated.

 

That continued into the marriage therapy. I would get my chance to talk, she'd fight and argue with the counselor.

 

But you have children with this man. You need to tough it up, get your tail into the game and WORK on it. If he isn't abusing you or the children and is otherwise providing a good home, then you really need to get back in there, put on your big girl panties and put some effort into your own issue and truly be open and ready to work on the relationship.

Edited June 8, 2010 by just_some_guy

[young&confused05]

I tried to talk to him. Me saying he refuses to talk means exactly that. He doesn't say a word. Nothing. Last night he told me that he's not going to talk and that was the last sound I heard come out of his mouth. I am aware that he is not the only one at fault, I've stated that already but right now he's the only one unwilling to work on it. Am I supposed to 'put my big girl panties on' and just follow him around and yap at him? Seriously, he won't talk. It's impossible to work things out with only one person willing to sit down and make sounds come out of their mouth. I am not exaggerating, he won't talk.

[You Go Girl]

I tried to talk to him. Me saying he refuses to talk means exactly that. He doesn't say a word. Nothing. Last night he told me that he's not going to talk and that was the last sound I heard come out of his mouth. I am aware that he is not the only one at fault, I've stated that already but right now he's the only one unwilling to work on it. Am I supposed to 'put my big girl panties on' and just follow him around and yap at him? Seriously, he won't talk. It's impossible to work things out with only one person willing to sit down and make sounds come out of their mouth. I am not exaggerating, he won't talk.

 

Alright. It sounds like he has given up on talking. Mental overload perhaps, or perhaps too much of you talking, who can say, blindly guessing in this forum what all has gone down in this relationship.

So give him some breathing room. A week without talking perhaps. During this time, talk in calm tones to your family. Don't say anything of any weight unless you have truly thought it over.

Wait until a week passes or your husband calls first to talk to you. Again, talk calmly, with nothing of any weight coming out of your mouth until you have thought it through fully.

I am concerned that your husband shut down for a reason. I think perhaps your talking overwhelms him.

The ball is in his court. Sit back and wait for his next move. Will he toss the ball back, sit on it and do nothing, gently throw it to you, or throw it at you? Let him show his true colors. Let him do the talking next time.

He may have something very important to reveal to you. Or...he may simply be unable to give right now. My point is this: You can't understand him until you learn to listen, and his silence is sure saying a lot.

Take good care of you, the baby, and your parents during this time. Be KIND.

[tojaz]

I know he's hiding things from me and I don't know what it all is but I do know a few things. I have no idea what his work schedule is anymore, he won't tell me. I have no idea what our financial situation is at the moment. That sounds more serious than it is. Originally he hid it from me because I was at the beginning of my pregnancy and we wanted to keep my stress level down. I had no problem with it then but he still won't tell me and it's been months now. Whenever I ask if we have enough to pay bills he says we're fine. He has at least 3 email addresses that he's hidden from me. This bothers me not because I'm afraid he's going to cheat but because in the past he's hidden conversations he's had about me with a female friend of ours. We've always promised to never hide anything from each other and I've never broken that promise (except now I guess. He doesn't know that I've joined this forum) In the last 3 years he's broken it at least twice.

The conversations about me to the female friend bug me and he knows that. I don't want her knowing our business.

There are minor hurts that I'm having a hard time getting over and surprise surprise they involve that female friend. At one point her husband kissed another woman. I tried to be there for her, I listened when she needed to talk and I told her that if she needed anything she could count on me. She called one morning in tears and we immediately said we'd be right there. She called back a few mins later and said that I wasn't welcome. I didn't understand why. I'm very sensitive and I just sat on the couch and cried. Husband gave me a hug and was out the door with me still on the couch crying. He left his crying wife to make a crying friend feel better. I haven't gotten over that. She told me about a year later that she didn't want me there because she was afraid I would attack her husband. She had absolutely no reason reason to think that. I am not a violent person. I wasn't even angry at him for what he did. Why should I be he wasn't my husband, it had no effect on me. I felt bad that she was hurting and all I wanted to do was give her a shoulder to cry on. She doesn't know me very well and she likes to assume things. Not a good friend I know.

 

Y&C, thank you for shedding some light on some things for us. You have given a lot to consider here. Hate to do this, because most on the board here know i'm the first one to give the benefit of the doubt, but there are a lot of red flags above. Keeping secrets and finding yourself in line for his attention. I know you say above you trust him, and I sincerely hope you can, but it may be time to take a closer look....

 

In the rest of your post, it sounds like a severe lack of respect from his side of the family. Family can influence people in many ways, and that influence is often strong enough to effect a marriage.

 

He has withdrawn from you, and I know how much that hurts, been there myself and know that it cuts like a knife, and I'm sorry your going through this. In the times you have discussed working on your relationship, has he openly expressed the will to save it? If he is working against you this will very much be an uphill battle.

 

There has been a lot of good points made here already. I have some thoughts, but I would like to hear your answers first.

 

TOJAZ

[young&confused05]

I was right. I'm always right. I hate being right. He was doing it again. He was having conversations about me to that female friend. I don't know how long it's been going on or if it still is but he did it again. He promised that he wouldn't. He knew it was the wrong thing to do and he promised that he would never do it again. He lied.

I was also right about him wanting me to leave. I knew he wanted me to leave but what I didn't know was that he didn't want to ask. He wanted to hurt me. He wanted me in so much pain that I couldn't possibly stay in that house. That's why he's been so cold and so withdrawn. He wanted me to hurt.

 

That's all the update I have right now. Oh and apparently he did this all because he loves me. I'm not dumb enough to believe that for even a split second.

[You Go Girl]

He's having an EA with the woman he talks about you too. He more than likely has plans to take the relationship further.

He's not giving your marriage a chance as long as he's in an EA. It might even be a PA.

So the truth is coming out about him...here we go. Brace yourself.

Take care of yourself. A breakup and a pregnancy at the same time is a huge amount of stress. I hope your parents are pampering you a little, and being KIND.

Keep posting.

[young&confused05]

I've never seen those abbreviations before, what do they mean? A year and a half ago I had a m/c. He had hidden conversations with her about me then too. I found out about it and told him how much it hurt that he was talking to her instead of me. That it felt like a huge betrayal. He claimed he only did it because he was worried about me. When he realized how much it was hurting me he stopped and promised that it would never happen again. A few weeks ago he was in the kitchen and I asked him what was wrong. He said nothing. I said I know you're hiding things from me then he said he wasn't. I knew he was lying but I left it alone because nothing was going to convince him to tell the truth. Last night I talked to him. I said that it was late and I needed to go so I could put our son to bed. He said no, he can stay up late tonight. I mentioned that the night before I had gone to see that girl (she's a mutual friend which is I guess why he thinks its safe to talk to her?) Anyway I had gone to see her and when I got back to my parents my mother told me that my son had been crying and begging for me and was tired and wanted to go to bed. I didn't want to make him upset again by not putting him to bed when he wanted. When I told him that I had gone there he said I know.. you know I talk to her, right? Um no. Because you didn't tell me that. Because you hid it from me. I'm here thinking you hate her and consider her a murderer (she aborted a baby that she tried for 4 months to get pregnant with, he doesn't agree with abortion.) and all the while you're talking to her. About me. It's not a cheating thing. It's him talking to her about me and it feels like cheating. I could be being very naive right now in thinking that they are not cheating but It's not something she would do. I know her well enough to know that. He also told me that he knew it was wrong and that she got mad at him and told him that he should be talking to me, not her.

He also told me that the way he got me out of the house was the wrong way to do it. I don't know if he actually believes it was the wrong thing to do or if he's just saying that.

There are other things he's hidden from me. He's hidden more from me than I knew. He claims that he wants to work on things and that he doesn't want our relationship to end. I don't know what's going to happen now.

Depending on what he's willing to do and what I'm willing to do we will be going to see a marriage counselor. With the pattern he has of going to that female, I want her out of our lives. The pattern being him blowing me off 3 times to run off and spend time with her plus the 2 times he's started the hidden conversations. Her being around only causes problems and I need it to stop. Is that an unreasonable request? I don't want to be unreasonable. I don't know what he wants yet.

[tojaz]

I was right. I'm always right. I hate being right. He was doing it again. He was having conversations about me to that female friend. I don't know how long it's been going on or if it still is but he did it again. He promised that he wouldn't. He knew it was the wrong thing to do and he promised that he would never do it again. He lied.

I was also right about him wanting me to leave. I knew he wanted me to leave but what I didn't know was that he didn't want to ask. He wanted to hurt me. He wanted me in so much pain that I couldn't possibly stay in that house. That's why he's been so cold and so withdrawn. He wanted me to hurt.

 

That's all the update I have right now. Oh and apparently he did this all because he loves me. I'm not dumb enough to believe that for even a split second.

 

Curious, where did this new information come from????

 

I've never seen those abbreviations before, what do they mean? A year and a half ago I had a m/c. He had hidden conversations with her about me then too. I found out about it and told him how much it hurt that he was talking to her instead of me. That it felt like a huge betrayal. He claimed he only did it because he was worried about me. When he realized how much it was hurting me he stopped and promised that it would never happen again. A few weeks ago he was in the kitchen and I asked him what was wrong. He said nothing. I said I know you're hiding things from me then he said he wasn't. I knew he was lying but I left it alone because nothing was going to convince him to tell the truth. Last night I talked to him. I said that it was late and I needed to go so I could put our son to bed. He said no, he can stay up late tonight. I mentioned that the night before I had gone to see that girl (she's a mutual friend which is I guess why he thinks its safe to talk to her?) Anyway I had gone to see her and when I got back to my parents my mother told me that my son had been crying and begging for me and was tired and wanted to go to bed. I didn't want to make him upset again by not putting him to bed when he wanted. When I told him that I had gone there he said I know.. you know I talk to her, right? Um no. Because you didn't tell me that. Because you hid it from me. I'm here thinking you hate her and consider her a murderer (she aborted a baby that she tried for 4 months to get pregnant with, he doesn't agree with abortion.) and all the while you're talking to her. About me. It's not a cheating thing. It's him talking to her about me and it feels like cheating. I could be being very naive right now in thinking that they are not cheating but It's not something she would do. I know her well enough to know that. He also told me that he knew it was wrong and that she got mad at him and told him that he should be talking to me, not her.

He also told me that the way he got me out of the house was the wrong way to do it. I don't know if he actually believes it was the wrong thing to do or if he's just saying that.

There are other things he's hidden from me. He's hidden more from me than I knew. He claims that he wants to work on things and that he doesn't want our relationship to end. I don't know what's going to happen now.

Depending on what he's willing to do and what I'm willing to do we will be going to see a marriage counselor. With the pattern he has of going to that female, I want her out of our lives. The pattern being him blowing me off 3 times to run off and spend time with her plus the 2 times he's started the hidden conversations. Her being around only causes problems and I need it to stop. Is that an unreasonable request? I don't want to be unreasonable. I don't know what he wants yet.

EA= Emotional affair

PA= Physical affair

 

Im thinking its an EA. The fact that he feels the need to hide it speaks volumes. H eknows it hurts you and he knows its inappropriate.

 

I don't think you would be out of line to ask him to cut off contact with her, especially since hes said he wants it to work. I don't think that would be unreasonable at all, but be prepared for resistance though and to have it turned around at you because he has already justified it in his mind. If it gets too ugly, rather then push, leave it for the counselor.

 

TOJAZ

[young&confused05]

Curious, where did this new information come from????

 

We spoke last night.

 

EA= Emotional affair

PA= Physical affair

 

Im thinking its an EA. The fact that he feels the need to hide it speaks volumes. H eknows it hurts you and he knows its inappropriate.

 

I don't think you would be out of line to ask him to cut off contact with her, especially since hes said he wants it to work. I don't think that would be unreasonable at all, but be prepared for resistance though and to have it turned around at you because he has already justified it in his mind. If it gets too ugly, rather then push, leave it for the counselor.

 

TOJAZ

 

I was thinking about mentioning it to him but I've decided to wait and bring it up in front of the therapist. We have an appointment for next week.

[tojaz]

We spoke last night.

 

 

 

I was thinking about mentioning it to him but I've decided to wait and bring it up in front of the therapist. We have an appointment for next week.

 

Best of luck to you, keep us posted.

 

TOJAZ