tyme Posted July 17, 2003 Share Posted July 17, 2003 I am 29 years old, all through growing up I guess I have been the strange guy. I'm not sure if this is the right forum, if so, please feel free to direct me to the correct one. I have always been one who never wanted sex until the time was right, never saw the number of women I had sex with as a trophy, and wanted it to be a feeling of love and closeness, not necessarily just physical desire. I dislike bars and clubs, the one's I've been to seemed more like a meat market than a place for fun. I find the plainness (a word?) and simplicity in a woman's looks far more of a turn on and look of individuality than having to look like they just stepped out of a photo shoot all the time. I enjoy a night under a blanket on the couch watching a movie more than a big expensive dinner/movie/shopping night. During lovemaking, her having "hers" is more enjoyable, important, and a bigger turn on than me having "mine". If she doesn't, I feel left out. Am I just boring? I'm losing my wife to a separation right now because she needs her "space" and to "find herself. Am I not what women desire these days? She was spending all her time on the chat rooms with others never wanting me to be in the room when she was. She would come home from work, and go immediately to the computer, while I only had about an hour before I had to go to bed to get up for work the next morning. We had many an argument over no time spent together because of this kind of thing, lying about it, etc. She could spend all night chatting, yet if I needed attention, I was smothering her. If I didn't want to go out (without her) and just be on the computer on the weekends, "I was smothering her and needed to get out more." If I wanted to be on the other computer in the same room, I was checking up on and "smothering her". Yes, I did become suspicious, and then even more so, she needed her space and I was, yep....smothering her. And I was trying to control her if I asked her to let's just do something together and leave the chat rooms alone for a little while. I guess my personality is not acceptable these days. I guess sometime in the future I will be looking for someone else, someone who would like to be with someone with my I guess boring ways. I am who I am. Should I just give up and hope there is somebody just as boring as I am, or just learn better ways? Is just casual sex so important these days and that's all that is really wanted? Seems that would be extremely dangerous now. I guess I'm just rattled and confused from everything going on right now, sorry to ramble. Any opinions, or words of advice would be greatly appreciated. Tyme Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted July 17, 2003 Share Posted July 17, 2003 I don't think the problem is as much you as it is your wife and her addiction to the computer and chat forums. She's the one living/perpetuation an unhealthy environment by logging on to chat rooms, refusing to interact with you but rather with cyber companions and coming up with this thing about you "smothering" her. The flipside of this comment is that maybe she doesn't feel excited or challenged by y'alls relationship, thus looking for it in cyberspace. That's something you need to explore. (a word of advice: even if you are content with the simple things, sometimes it's nice to share with your partner some of the more indulgent things, like dinner at a nice restaurant or a really nice bouquet or a gift certificate to his favorite place because it makes a person feel appreciated. I know I like when my husband comes home with a bouquet of roses from the vendor who sells them outside the local supermarket, because it makes me feel cherished. People need that little bit of being made to feel special every now and then from their loved one ...) maybe the best thing that y'all can do for your relationship is to consider counseling so that you can heal it. If she refuses to consider this, then maybe dissolving the marriage -- as painful as it is -- is the the best solution for the two of you, because a healthy relationship focuses on give and take, not shunning your mate. There are many women out there, and of those, there are a good number who are looking for a kind, decent guy to shower with love. Until you find her, don't sell yourself short. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tyme Posted July 17, 2003 Author Share Posted July 17, 2003 Don't get me wrong, she has gotten her fair share of flowers, random suprises, dinner at decent restaurants, gifts of certificates to the pamper spa. Just meant I don't have to find a reason to enjoy her company, I just do. We are currently going to counseling, not sure it's helping us as a team much, but we are going. I'm just learning to give her the space she asks for and hope she decides she doesn't want to be without me. It's been about a month, and all I hear from her is how happy she is now. She's going out after work one night this week with some "guys from work" for a drink. What else can I say, get mad (which I initally did), or just accept it as say, "have fun". (which I later did) I've had my bout with feeling insecure with myself, finally after many years accepted it as false. It wasn't her I didn't trust, it was everybody else. However I now feel it probably was insulting and misunderstood as mistrust towards her, which I trusted fully the whole time. I made my mistakes, that I will not deny. However the chatting, flirting, and sexual rp in chat has been going on for some time, and lied about. That is where some of the feeling of fear came from. Oh well, when it's time to move on, it's time to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted July 17, 2003 Share Posted July 17, 2003 that's very encouraging to hear that you guys are going to counseling, because you're at least willing to try, and that is to be commended. I think that when the time comes to make certain decisions about your marriage, you'll know what to do. Until then, you can only give it your best shot, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Al Posted July 17, 2003 Share Posted July 17, 2003 Boy if you consider yourself boring these days then I must be way worse than that. I'm only 23 and would rather sit home and watch movies and wear jeans and a tee shirt when I go out. I don't wear much makeup b/c I think people that wear too much and try to dress to impress all the time aren't being themselves. Don't get down on yourself for being the way you are and don't try to change your ways just b/c someone else might want you to. People sometimes grow apart for many different reasons and I would like to applaud you for your values and views. You are what most woman are looking for and don't let your wife make you think otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
Gray Posted July 17, 2003 Share Posted July 17, 2003 Originally posted by Al You are what most woman are looking for and don't let your wife make you think otherwise. Hmm, tyme, you sound like a good guy and I'm not tyring to bust your balls here, but Al's a little wrong. You're a nice guy, and nice guys are not what most women are looking for. It sucks to say, but I've lost enough, or never had the chance, being the nice guy to know that women like the bad guys. I'm not making a universal statement, there are the nice-guy lovers out there too. But the real point is, that your wife isn't treating you fairly. And, from what you've described, thats solely her problem. So I hope things go well for you, and you'll definately find a nice-girl who pairs up nicely with you as a nice guy! Link to post Share on other sites
jalexy Posted July 17, 2003 Share Posted July 17, 2003 Tyme, PLEASE do not get discouraged. good lord, i wish i had a man like that, well i do, but you could sure train him for me;) teasin, teasing. just keep on being you and you will be just fine. i will tell you, maybe shes the kind of woman that likes to be treated badly at times. you know youve heard that the worse you treat someone the more they want you and vice versa. its very sad, and its a game. Link to post Share on other sites
jalexy Posted July 17, 2003 Share Posted July 17, 2003 Originally posted by Gray You're a nice guy, and nice guys are not what most women are looking for. one more post, i agree with what is said here. i think the women who are mature and grown up, dont want to play the "treat me bad and ill want you" game. it might take some time, but if you and you wife end (heaven forbid), you may find a woman whos nice and likes to be treated just the same, without any games. i am NOT suggesting divorce!! maybe just talking to her about all of this will help. best of luck Link to post Share on other sites
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