She left 6mos ago took my daughter, my 2 sons stayed w/ me. Ifound her a nice apt. hoping we could work on things, asked her not to date, she said I was controlling her and if asked she might go. tried everything I could think of except nc and 180. only pushed her away.tried dating, hurt one woman, then was hurt by another. second one said Im not over this and pulled back after having sex (her idea). now the wife hooked up with a classmate from high school, and is all aglow and in love. she treats him like I always wanted her treat me. Im not a big man 5 10 165 lbs and have always been bothered by this, always thought she wanted a "real man" he is 6 3 and prob 250 lbs and she is absolutely giddy. shes already had the kids meet him and even color easter eggs together. We were married 16.5 yrs and she never told me she was this unhappy not even close, she says I should have known she was miserable. I knew things werent great but I thought we would get through it and at least try if one of us was so unhappy. looking bck I can see how she was treating me was eroding my confidence, and Ive confidence issues anyway. She is so glad to be be away from me and be with a "real man" how do I go on? My kids would be shattered if I do it, But Hes probably the man they need too Im damned if I live and damned if I die...
plowman, you have exactly 3 reasons to live. their called your children. i came from a family where my dad died when i was 9 yrs old. you have no clue now not having him in ny life screwed my devolpement up. bein 6' 3" and 250, does not make you more of a man,sure it helps in bars fights but that's young kid stuff. your ex is in a affair fog right now,where everythings peachy. it's up to you to take the higher ground. love your kids,spend all the time you can with them. maybe get some therapy for yourself. there is a big light at the end of this tunnel,it may seem small right now, but it is there. you have no clue how you will screw up your kids, by thinking or doing this selfish act.. take care
She left 6mos ago took my daughter, my 2 sons stayed w/ me. Ifound her a nice apt. hoping we could work on things, asked her not to date, she said I was controlling her and if asked she might go. tried everything I could think of except nc and 180. only pushed her away.tried dating, hurt one woman, then was hurt by another. second one said Im not over this and pulled back after having sex (her idea).now the wife hooked up with a classmate from high school, and is all aglow and in love. she treats him like I always wanted her treat me. Im not a big man 5 10 165 lbs and have always been bothered by this, always thought she wanted a "real man" he is 6 3 and prob 250 lbs and she is absolutely giddy. shes already had the kids meet him and even color easter eggs together. We were married 16.5 yrs and she never told me she was this unhappy not even close, she says I should have known she was miserable. I knew things werent great but I thought we would get through it and at least try if one of us was so unhappy. looking bck I can see how she was treating me was eroding my confidence, and Ive confidence issues anyway. She is so glad to be be away from me and be with a "real man" how do I go on? My kids would be shattered if I do it, But Hes probably the man they need too Im damned if I live and damned if I die...
This is similar to my situation, the part bolded above is dead on except mine was 10 years.
The other guy is different from you, but no better than you. He is a man just like you and he has his strengths and weaknesses, just like you. The "real man" thing is all in your head.
I think you already know your own biggest issue: low self-confidence. This issue needs to be your focus right now, along with your kids.
Speaking of your kids, hide from them AT ALL COSTS any conflicts between you and your wife--never argue in front of your kids. Go through this site Up To Parents
Live for your children. My mom tells me this all the time, and it's true. They need you to be there. Their mother's boyfriend can never replace their father. Sometimes my son is the only reason I can get up in the morning, but better that I use that as a motivator.
Never let what someone else decides to do choose your path as well. You must be strong, now, and find that ability to move forward. Many have had to do the same. It is difficult, but if you do it right, you become a much better person.
I was once in your shoes and here are some of the reasons I found
you are lucky enough to live in the greatest country in the history of the world
puppies are fun to play with
the gardens will soon be filled with flowers
it is bikini blossom time and the local beach will be filled with beautiful women
the fish will be biting again
baseball season starts this week
motorcycles are fun to ride, even more so if you have one of those bikini babes riding behind, (keep hitting the brake)
chocolate cake is so good to eat as are chocolate chip cookies just out of the oven, or fresh pie, even better ala mode
in a few months we will be eating fresh new corn and watermellons
beer goes great with pizza and mexican food
and most important, in time you will heal, you will find a woman you can trust and love to share your life with that you will look back and feel sorry for her latest guy friend
trust me on this last one, I didn't believe, I never wanted to ever love again and did everything in the world to avoid it, and cupid still nailed me.
and mostly your kids need you to teach them some of the above things, such as learning how to fish and hit a baseball
NOBODY is better than you. As far as you wife moving on goes well its almost enevitable. He is no better than you and you will always be Dad to your children.
My ex is happy and yes it smarts because we want them to feel the pain we do. Work through your pain and see the positive aspects of your life starting with your children. You owe it to them to not do something stuppid.
I had a freind that tried to kill herself. She trew herself off a bridge infront of a lorry. Smashed her hips,legs,teeth,one arm, fractured skull and in intensive care for months. 12 months on she was ashamed she ever felt that desparate and is glad she didnt die. I wounder how many people who commit suiside would say the same? Most if not all. What is desparate now will not be in 12 months. DONT DO IT.
She appologised to the lorry driver by the way. He is emotionally scared by her actions as well as her family.
Thanks for your quick replies and encouragement, I know most people on here are hurting also and Im humbled that you would take the time to help me a stranger. I know my kids are most important, but I just feel so "less than" I mean Thats why shes with him, and its only a matter of time until hes wonderful to the kids too. add the fact that for the last 6 mos. ive been pretty wrecked, my motivation is gone Im on anti depressants and going to counseling but I keep backsliding. when she got the boyfriend and became so happy I hit bottom and I cant seem to get up. I do for a while but it comes right back and knocks me down. I know i just have to accept it I hope in time I can I know my kids would be damaged horribly if I were to kill myself, and I could never do that to them where do you people find the strength to overcome this stuff??
I almost cried when I read your post, thank you and you too nobby. I feel like I know you as Ive been reading this site for months trying to get over this. I really do have wonderful children. and I am going to focus on them and love them. I really am a lucky man. Gallon again thank you for that inspiring post, I think Im going to take my sons fishing today
Hey im horriably lost myself and get the same thoughts but I know It will get better no man or woman on this earth is worth you or I not living loving and laughing again,She will get hers in due time,You will find someone so much better that she will hate to see that someday to. your children need you and love you what woman could possiably come close to that.Give it time to heal its her loss good riddens to the ***** honestly now you know who she is. ab I know you hurt some people play dirty and are just nasty.Good luck we will come out better people because we are caring but only to whom deserves it.big hugsyou was loking for someone before her and you will find someone after her you need to heal though.
Speaking as a retired Marine? That's 6'1" and 210?
Its the guys that smaller than you that you have to worry about? Them some mean SOB's! It took five years to take the Japanese out of the War, four for the Koreans, and the Vietnamese never did quit not once in ten years.
I witnessed a JP (Japanese Policeman) all of 5'7 take down a big Swede of a Marine over 6'4 and 250+ down to his knees with tears in his eyes begging for him to let him go. Made me step back!
Suicide is easy. Its living that's the hard part.
But suiciding yourself is selfish and BS. Sure you cash out and your pain is gone?
But you leave a LIFETIME of heartache, heartbreak, misery and suffering for those you leave behind.
You've an obligation and responsiblity to those three children of yours to be there for them.
And I hate to be one that breaks it to you? But that's a lifetime obligation and responsiblity.
Once they were born? It was no longer just about you? Its about them.
There is an old Cherokee tale about an elderly chief who was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, “A fight is going on inside of me. It is a terrible battle and it is between two wolves.”
He continued, “One wolf is evil – he is fear, anger, envy, judgment, weakness, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, lies, competition and separateness. The other wolf is good – he is love, understanding, joy, acceptance, strength, pride, sharing, compassion, wisdom, truth, cooperation and unity. This same fight is going on inside of you and inside every other person too.”
The children thought about this for a minute and then one of them asked the chief, “Grandfather, which wolf will win?” The wise old man looked at her with love in his eyes and said simply, “The one you feed!”
Plowman, you were put on this earth for a reason, and it may sound cheesy, but you are special and you have a purpose to fulfill. Maybe it is something as simple as to be a shining example to the kids about how to get through hard times. Maybe it is that and something more. Know that someone, somewhere will have their life changed because they interacted with you. It's called the butterfly effect.
“You never know how far reaching something you think, say or do today, will affect the lives of millions tomorrow.”
Keep posting, and we're here for you.
And PS. I'm 5'10, Through this D process, I have lost enough weight unintentionally so I'm down to about 145, so I think I have you AND gallon beat. One thing we don't worry about is getting fat! I'm guessing unless he's a bodybuilder or a meathead that 250 aint all that pretty. Think of yourself as a lean, mean, take no prisoners, ass-kickin MACHINE!
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.