hardhead65 Posted January 17, 2010 Share Posted January 17, 2010 23 years married, 2 kids 18 and 15. About 3 years ago I realized I had this unhappiness in my life and could not out my finger on it. My wife never talks to me on an emotional level and I knew this when I married her long ago. Up till that time 3 years ago I just accepted the fact that age and maturity would not change her. We got to the point that I would write letters to her begging her to try and connect with me on a deeper level, but it never happened, never even got a letter back explaining why. During the last 3 years she discovered ballroom dancing and I was happy that she had found a new hobby. Well the hobby became an obsession and she started ignoring me and the kids and would be out 3-4 times a week "dancing". I intercepted e mails from another man asking her when she was going to stop by his house and called her on it. she never gave me details and i just kept it to myself. ever since I just do not feel the love and commitment to her that I feel I should. Now I find out from a mutual friend that she has been meeting this guy at the ballroom and they leave the place occasionaly. She also told her that she did have sex with this guy 3 years ago when this all started. For me, that was it. I had always told her that if she had an affair it was over and I still feel this way. I just need to know how I could have been that foolish to not accept that the act that she could'nt even write me a letter telling me how she felt years ago and now this. This same friend, that ive known for 3 years, that exposed the afffair has been a godsend to me in so many ways. She's been honest, caring and even tried for years to help me get through to my wife. She just could'nt stand to watch what she was doing to me anymore. I feel very very strong about her and she is also in a 23 year marraige that has been a shell of a relationship for 4 years now. I've always been a giver and it's been a hard process to reprogram myself to beleive that I can end this marraige and think about myself and my well being for some reason. I KNOW my wife will never change and I just dont want to waste anymore precious time and energy trying to make her feel what she cannot feel towards me. The personal pain is'nt there anymore about the affair after all these years, now I just want to get it over with for both of our sakes. Just want the best for everyone at this point and us staying together is not the best for either one of us. I just see a better life for both of us seperated and wanted to vent my feelings. Thanks for listening to me and feel free to offer up your advice. Link to post Share on other sites
floridapad Posted January 17, 2010 Share Posted January 17, 2010 We're always listening. What do you want to do. As far as your "friend" goes. Please don't be a party to an affair. Her husband may love her and step up if she talks to him or leaves him. Keep posting. Link to post Share on other sites
Tymme Posted January 23, 2010 Share Posted January 23, 2010 I am no expert by any stretch of the imagination. But here's my take. Deal with your marriage first, and encourage your friend to do the same. If you feel that ending your marriage is the right thing to do, then do that based on reasons within your marriage, not outside influences. I would strongly encourage you to put some distance between your friend and yourself so that you may each be able to think clearly and deal with your individual situations in their own way. It can be very easy for two people who both see themselves in a bad marriage to find solace together and suddenly find themselves in something that never should have come about. If you are having feelings for this friend and/or this friend is having feelings for you, you will never be able to deal with your personal situations rationally. If divorce is in your future, that is unfortunate, but don't come to that decision based on clouded judgment; and I would say the same to your friend. If both marriages end by reasons within themselves and not because of outside influences clouding the parties' judgment, then I would say it should be safe to pursue whatever relationship you want after that point. And this way you will know that you made the right decision. Otherwise (as one of many scenarios,) what if you took up with your friend, you both got divorced, and it didn't work out? You would forever question your reasons for divorce and wonder if you threw out a salvageable marriage to chase after what wasn't really there. The grass truly is greener on the other side. Extra-marital relationships are the BEST example of this old cliche. Your spouse gives you all the crap while all the "good times" are shared with the other partner. This makes these relationships all the more desirable because you never have to deal with the crap that goes with a marriage. Take it or leave it. Good luck in whatever you do. Keep a clear head, and don't put yourself in a situation you may regret later. Link to post Share on other sites
Cranialrupture Posted January 24, 2010 Share Posted January 24, 2010 The grass is always greener on the other side because the grass your on is full of your own s**t. :) Someone told me that once and it is so true. The grass is only as green as you make it. So your wife is having an affair. Imo kick her to the curb. Do not have an affair yourself. The feelings your having for this 'friend' very well might just be you trying to fill a hole from your current wife. Kick the cheating *** out. She doesn't respect you at all!!!! If she had any respect she would have divorced you first. She didn't. In my book she ranks among the lowest.....ok we won't go there. lol. That's just my opinion, take it as you will. Either way, don't have an affair. Clean your own grass first. Link to post Share on other sites
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