TDFYC312 Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 Help! I had an affair awhile back and wife found out about it. I do not want to leave my wife and put an end to everything about the affair. My wife has raked me over the coals for months about it and goes from wanting to divorce to separate to wanting to stay together. She constantly tells me she wants to look at other options ( see other men ) and how inadequate I am. Now she is demanding that I put her name on all of my accounts & houses etc or she will leave. I am uncomfortable doing this but have tried to reconcile and want to stay together. Am I crazy to consider doing this? she could bury me if she left and will not commit to staying. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 You had an affair. It's not even about what you want. she could bury me if she left and will not commit to staying. Oh well. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 Don't make any changes to your current financial/asset mix. Work on the M if she is willing to cooperate. Get legal advice if she isn't. If she wants to leave (the marital home), accept that. Do you have any children? Have you accepted responsibility (this is different from ending the A) and suggested MC? Welcome to LS Link to post Share on other sites
Author TDFYC312 Posted December 7, 2009 Author Share Posted December 7, 2009 Thanks for the welcome. Have been married 8 yrrs & 3 kids. Have gotten some legal advice and am comfortable with that either way. I have totally accepted responsiblity and have suggested MC repeatedly but she refuses to go. She does not want to air laundry with others. She thinks I'm still in contact with OW but am not & have ended that for good but she refuses to believe me. I am totally commited to her but feel she is trying to dismantle me slowly by constantly bringing it up refusing to accpet my explanations and is unable to move past it. I feel black mailed by her request but she says it would be a sign of my commitment. I feel like I'm sinking but appreciate all of your help Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 mark my works. you put her name on the things you own,she's going to leave. all she's doing is hanging around to "pressure" you into doing this. i truely feel either way she's going to leave. just tring to get maximun amount of $$. good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 Her name should have been on everything anyways. If she can't get passed your A, many cannot, then deal with the consequences of your actions and divvy up, fairly. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 Your legal adviser should have already given you information on assets and liabilities and what and what not to do regarding them. If they haven't, fire them Be aware she may be getting 'help'. Since she does not wish to work on the marriage and wants to 'look at other options', invite her to move out and you remain with the children. Your affair is your responsibility but your marriage is both yours and her responsibility, jointly. Without both of you, the M fails. How far back is 'awhile', wrt to the A and how many months have you been 'raked over the coals'? Also, is the affair person still in your lives in any way, shape or form? Link to post Share on other sites
Author TDFYC312 Posted December 7, 2009 Author Share Posted December 7, 2009 Have been advsied on assets etc. Affair was 5 months ago EA only and she is not in our lives at all other than wife daily bringing her up and trying to get me to leave to be with her. I have no desire to do that and continuously tell wife I want only to be with her. I have offered her to move out to explore her feelings but she will not do it. I think she just wants to keep the torture going... its miserable but I do take responsiblity for A and for the place I am at Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 She isnt necessarily preparing to rake him over the coals. When my H cheated the first time, I felt it was in part because he risked much less than I if the marriage ended. We had only been married a short time, I have a daughter from a previous marriage, I was not listed on his assets except as beneficiary of his death. Which was fine...until he cheated. On top of the obvious betrayal I had to deal with feeling very disposable, financially insecure. After the infidelity, it just didnt seem fair anymore. I didnt want the marriage to end because I loved him. I thought that if there was more to lose on his end he would think twice before doing anything to risk our marriage again. Didnt work, by the way. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 OP, are you a serial cheater, even EA's? 2sure, if your H was a one-timer (presuming the OP is) and he was approaching you the way this OP appears to be indicating here, how would you feel about working on the M? OP, every situation is different but the anger stage for my stbx lasted well over a year, even with MC. It was with MC and more clear communication which it fostered which allowed us to move beyond anger, remorse and other emotions to clearly see the M for what it was. Clarity is so helpful Link to post Share on other sites
Author TDFYC312 Posted December 7, 2009 Author Share Posted December 7, 2009 Only happened once & after this have removed that ability from my psyche. I acknowledge the time to move forward is going to be vast and try to communicate as much and as well as possible but the monetary demands are throwing me off until we can get past the A right now. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 This is a difficult question but might help to better understand the dynamic. Since you're not a serial cheater, this EA was about something. What was it? Anger has many levels and impetuses. Her anger can be coming from a number of areas, and, as anger is often a product of fear, finding out what those places are can be instructive to moving forward. When was the last time she shared a fear with you and what was it? Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 OP's wife is currently going back and forth with her emotions. Everything he described is typical and natural. Depending on how long they have been married....she should have the financial security that he has. If she doesnt, she will continue to feel like he has nothing to lose by betraying the marriage. Sometimes, its the logistics that keep a marriage together through hard times and crisis. These logistics, including financial should be a part of every decision making process, including to decide if the risk of cheating is worth it. I would advise OP to either end the marriage now or make a plan and time line to full recovery including the commitment of finances. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TDFYC312 Posted December 8, 2009 Author Share Posted December 8, 2009 2sure your words are quite thoughtful and enlightening. She is looking at pre marital assets that I said that I would put her name on but did not do it yesterday as she requested because of some things she said IE Want a divorce & then later I want a separation but backed down. I cant tell if she is commited to the marriage from her actions or from her words. Is this normal? If she wanted it to work wouldn't she be able to say so? She demanded a separation this morning. This is the lowest I've ever been Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
Author TDFYC312 Posted December 9, 2009 Author Share Posted December 9, 2009 carhill The EA was with an X. I totally ended it in all aspects and realize how immature and selfish I was. THe whole thing gave me tremendous clarity on what I should have been doing and concentrating on my W and our marriage and how important she is to me. She is convinced in her head and fears that it is not over and constantly accuses me of contacting X and also cheating with others ( not true ) I have given her all info about EA and given her access to all computers, passwords, phone, & phone logs etc that I use. This has led to more accusations IE looked up out of town hotels for wife & I to take a few days off together and W accused me of looking up for me to meet X at. I'm never away from her @ nights or weekends so thats kind of out of town thing is a ridiculous accusation. Can't win here. I do not know how to convince her that it is over short of working from home and being by her 24- 7. That is not out of the question & would do that but she demanded separation & I would not move out so she moved to a different part of the house. I don't know if this will be good for us. I think from the angry words she has had for me and our marriiage that the longer we are apart the greater the chance she will leave. Does this do anything? should I continue NC? It is so hard to not be near her and talking to her etc. Link to post Share on other sites
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted December 9, 2009 Share Posted December 9, 2009 Ouch..you cheated on your wife with an ex! Damn of all the women in the world..why an ex??? Ok ok I'll cut you some slack here..I dont think she should be asking something like this from you either way. Your wife is extremely confused and feeling very unstable at this point. I'm sure knowing that there were some sort of assets under her name may make her "temporarily" feel like shes in control..but if she's going off and acting like she doesnt know whether shes coming or going..its very difficult for you to make a decision at this point in time as well. You both need to sit down with a counsellor of some sort and try to figure things out. I can totally see her resentment against you and don't blame her for the emotions she's going through either. Do you guys have children? Why wasnt her name on any of the assets prior? Does she work? REALLY AN EXXXXXXXXXXXXX???????? Sheesh Link to post Share on other sites
Author TDFYC312 Posted December 9, 2009 Author Share Posted December 9, 2009 PP You are completely right. Could not have been a worse person for this and I know it. She has her name on accounts & assets over well over 7 figures but she considers & tells me those are nothing. I'm really speachless about that & have been very open & shared all of the $ we have made since we married. She would be quite well off if she left as it is now so its not like she has her name on nothing. She does not work at the moment but could & we have three kids. I have tried to get her to go with me to MC but to no avail. She will not do it & is afraid of it for some reason & does not see that it will do any good. I think an intermediary would help our communications in this area because now they just escalate into arguments that do not offer any progress. Actually make things worse. I don't blame her for her feelings either as I have accepted all blame & responsibility I just don't know what to do at this point. Should I not communicate with her since she wanted separation or will she say why did you not even try to communicate were you not interested? What a minefield I have put myself in Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 9, 2009 Share Posted December 9, 2009 Well, OP, you can always buy her a house like I helped my stbx do and let her go. If there's anything still there it will just become an investment property. My dynamic was a bit different, but still just as unhealthy. One tip: Even if it sounds wrong, get some MC. It made our divorce process much more amicable, IMO. Who knows, it might help your M recover. Since you're new, 2sure is a BW and she's been through a lot. Her words have a lot of wisdom in them. If you do recover, it could take 3 to 5 years to realize some modicum of normalcy again. Best wishes Link to post Share on other sites
nobmagnet Posted December 9, 2009 Share Posted December 9, 2009 sorry to say but as you already know you screwed up. If the marriage was strong then a) you wouldnt have had an EA b) she would agree and try anything to make it work. You dont know how she felt before the EA. I was miserable before I caught my ex. It has made a massive impact on my feelings for him. Had our relationship been strong I could have/would have worked on it but as it turns out over time I have realised I am a better happier person without him. just a thought x Link to post Share on other sites
Author TDFYC312 Posted December 9, 2009 Author Share Posted December 9, 2009 carhill I gather that there is alot of wisdom in 2sure's words as well as yours. I may do MC by myself. It may help me deal with her and understand her and improve myself. I had neglected her and our M and she was struggling with day to day issues that left her overwhelmed at the end of the day. I did not see that I needed to help her and our M but strayed instead much to my chagrin and regret at this point. My desires to repair and strengthen things at this point fall on deaf ears and I think now she thinks she was not happy before the EA. I would have a hard time with her leaving emotionally and helping her do it but could do so. Even after everything that has happened I still don't like the thought of being without her. Is this one of those things I need to do 180 on? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 9, 2009 Share Posted December 9, 2009 Conventional wisdom would indicate IC but IMO MC would both leave the door open for her to join you as well as keep the therapy focused on the M, since that is what you wish to preserve. At worst, it could help you to better accept her perspective and make the divorce process more amicable, as it's done for us. FWIW, my stbx re-wrote essentially our entire M to support her feelings at the time, a process which I came to accept through MC. I remember the good times and that's enough for me. Life goes on Link to post Share on other sites
Author TDFYC312 Posted December 9, 2009 Author Share Posted December 9, 2009 I know MC would help I'm just struggling with the separation right now and how best to deal with it Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted December 9, 2009 Share Posted December 9, 2009 My H has been a serial cheater...so, its different. But I can tell you that MC has for me at least been a real eye opener regarding what I personally have learned about relationships, marriage, perspectives, expectations, and communication. Life lessons I wish we both had going into the marriage. I will take them forward alone. But I also want to add to you, something for thought. After the first time my H cheated...he wanted nothing more than for me to trust him again. And as you know...once this blind trust has been broken..to a BS, trusting again is like being asked to take a leap of faith against your better judgement. For me...I wanted my H ALSO to have to take a leap of faith in me. It made me feel better to know that it wasnt just me doing the heavy lifting and investing in the risk...He shared the blind trust and the risk by trusting me with more of his assets. For me, it wasnt about the cash value...it was the equal exchange of risk and trust. I'm not saying what you should or shouldnt do...just giving you a possible insight to your wife's feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TDFYC312 Posted December 9, 2009 Author Share Posted December 9, 2009 2sure I know trust has been shattered to bits and it can only be rebuilt through the passage of time, my actions, and transparency. I have no problem with that or showing her anything. I would happily take the leap of faith in her if she could only say she wants work on it and dispense with the talk of divorce. I guess its a catch22 Link to post Share on other sites
BUENG1 Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 2sure I know trust has been shattered to bits and it can only be rebuilt through the passage of time, my actions, and transparency. I have no problem with that or showing her anything. I would happily take the leap of faith in her if she could only say she wants work on it and dispense with the talk of divorce. I guess its a catch22 How much of this stuff was yours before marriage? How much does she have in just her name? How much of it was hers before marriage? Do you have evidence she's seen a divorce lawyer? I would start with that. If she has don't do it under any circumstances, and get your own lawyer and prepare for divorce. You have to look out for your own best interests, if you won't no one else will either. Link to post Share on other sites
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