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What's a graceful, honorable, way to exit?


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

 
 
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Old 4th December 2009, 4:00 PM   #16
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the graceful exit

I think you give him a letter and honestly describe how the marriage has evolved, how you have evolved and why you really believe it is a bust.

And then you tell him that you will do what you can to help him reach closure on this but you aren't going to pretend to do the MC route because it is not honest as your heart is not in it. So if he asks you to stay with him for a month or two while you talk this through and he comes to acceptance - I think that is a decent thing for you to do. If he wants to make love to you a couple times as part of saying goodbye - if you can be kind to him you will likely part the better for it. Just as long as he accepts that this is part of a grieving/ending process - not some renegotiation of your marital roles.

I would also give him the option of choosing how/when to present this change to your social circle - he will already feel rejected and humiliated there is no reason to add bad pr into the mix. On the other hand he doesn't get the option of describing this in a way that is unfair to you.

Ultimately the fair thing to do is to handle the financial split via a mediator and leave something on the table. Meaning this is going to really hurt him, it is piling on to take the last nickel off the table. There is a reasonable range of settlement outcomes, don't reach for the stars.

By the way, situation reversed I would be telling him to err on the side of being generous since he would be the one breaking your heart.

You are going to walk away with some assets - and you are too old to blow through that and start over. Leave on amicable terms and he will likely help you invest your money in a sane manner so you don't end up old, broke and bitter. And sure there are financial advisors but usually they put you into stuff that is best for THEM, if he still loves you he will give you advice as to what is good for YOU.

Make sense?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SimplyBeingLoved View Post
Okay. I've read horrible stories here of Walk-aways running away into the arms of lovers half their age. Of spouses (mostly) being completely blindsided. Of pain that will take years to heal (if ever). Etc.

Many people believe that there is no justifiable to leave a marriage other than the three A's (Abuse, Adultery, and Addiction). I happen to think people can and do grow apart, and that is a real and valid reason. Or people can realize they married for the wrong reasons.

If you agree that "growing apart" actually can be a valid reason (or maybe you realize you actually married for the wrong reasons)...

What would a "graceful exit" look like to you? Is there such thing as an amicable parting of the ways?
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Old 4th December 2009, 5:09 PM   #17
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Lisa - Wonderful post. You are a very wise woman. Thanks for this.
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Old 4th December 2009, 5:17 PM   #18
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Thank you ALL for your very thoughtful replies. Enigma, thank you for your very thought-out post. Lisa, FP, FL, thanks for challenging my thoughts. MEM thank you for your input on what a graceful exit would look like to you. I have read them all over, and think I need to digest this all for a little while.

The only response I want to make is to Lisa's comment:

Quote:
OK, so you don't want the kind of relationship that you wanted years ago, but neither of you have morphed into different beings! Essentially at the root of your souls you are both the person the other fell in love with. Why can you not give this some time and just see if you can build upon that?
Have you ever had a best friend growing up, and the relationship was based on your self-concept you had with the best friend, and it the friendship was great as long as you both shared the same self-concept? As soon as one of you starts to change... the very basis of the friendship starts to change, and can't be the same, and often ends. Example: two people united in their mutual going through puberty, or two people united in their depression... those are just a couple of examples.

Anyway... again... thank you all
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Old 4th December 2009, 5:33 PM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nobmagnet View Post
when you split it splits both ways. one will be happy, relieved one will not be.
the key for the one that were happy is to look deep within. Look hard. If they want to walk away.................hey bloody hell........ why would i want somebody not like minded as me?? if its 1 month 50 years the pain is the similar. but hey who wants to live a lie?? not I xx
nobmagnet - just wanted to say that your username totally cracks me up!
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Old 4th December 2009, 6:36 PM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SimplyBeingLoved View Post

The only response I want to make is to Lisa's comment:



Have you ever had a best friend growing up, and the relationship was based on your self-concept you had with the best friend, and it the friendship was great as long as you both shared the same self-concept? As soon as one of you starts to change... the very basis of the friendship starts to change, and can't be the same, and often ends. Example: two people united in their mutual going through puberty, or two people united in their depression... those are just a couple of examples.
Hi,

no I can't say I have had that experience because I don't found my relationships with people on what they can do for me, what purpose they can fulfill for me at the time. I have friends that I have had for 23 years (I'm 34), people are not disposable, they are human beings with feelings, just like you are. When having friendships or relationships I always try to empathise with the other person, I try to treat people as I would like to be treated.

What you said, sounds very much like you see what you can get out of people, how they can enrice your life, you said in another post, "the relationship is no longer what I need or desire", perhaps I have misunderstood what you meant (if so I apologize), or perhaps you are completely unaware that you do this, but if you live your life this way, you will never find happiness because no one will ever fulfill your every need or desire. No one is perfect, I'm not and you're not either. Life is about making choices and commitments and honouring those commitments b/c you love or once loved that person. If you move form one to the next to the next you will never find true happiness and you will never experience true love.

Love is not always happy, it can involve heartache, pain, frustration and unhappiness at times, it is how you pull together to get through those times that makes your relationship and your love stronger.
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Old 4th December 2009, 6:38 PM   #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SimplyBeingLoved View Post
Thank you ALL for your very thoughtful replies. Enigma, thank you for your very thought-out post. Lisa, FP, FL, thanks for challenging my thoughts. MEM thank you for your input on what a graceful exit would look like to you. I have read them all over, and think I need to digest this all for a little while.

The only response I want to make is to Lisa's comment:



Have you ever had a best friend growing up, and the relationship was based on your self-concept you had with the best friend, and it the friendship was great as long as you both shared the same self-concept? As soon as one of you starts to change... the very basis of the friendship starts to change, and can't be the same, and often ends. Example: two people united in their mutual going through puberty, or two people united in their depression... those are just a couple of examples.

Anyway... again... thank you all
Um, Not sure where this was / is going... Please clarify. (Maybe I'm just tired.)

I do want to say that everybody changes. The man I was in 1993 when I met my W was not the man that bought a H in 1999 and asked my then GF to move in with me. (Exactly 10 years ago! 12/4/1999 )
The man I was in 2002 when I got married to the love of my life.
The man I was a yerar ago. My STBXW changed enormously - mostly for the worse. I still loved her faithfully and unconditionally. She CHOSE not to love me anymore. More so because she changed, not because of me.

OK, We all KNOW that loving IS a choice right? It is a verb, an action word. It is NOT a feeling. I chose to love her - she chose not to.

I am about to choose to stop loving her and MOVE THE F ON. <-- (Gunny approves!)
Or I could choose to continue loving her indefinitely while she f*cks up so many lives around her.

P.S. Funny side note: On my pandora.com station right now came the song "Baby, I'm born to lose" by the Heartbreakers. Hmm, Nah, I'm not born to lose - SHE is!!
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Old 4th December 2009, 6:57 PM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LisaUk View Post
Hi,

no I can't say I have had that experience because I don't found my relationships with people on what they can do for me, what purpose they can fulfill for me at the time. I have friends that I have had for 23 years (I'm 34), people are not disposable, they are human beings with feelings, just like you are. When having friendships or relationships I always try to empathise with the other person, I try to treat people as I would like to be treated.

What you said, sounds very much like you see what you can get out of people, how they can enrice your life, you said in another post, "the relationship is no longer what I need or desire", perhaps I have misunderstood what you meant (if so I apologize), or perhaps you are completely unaware that you do this, but if you live your life this way, you will never find happiness because no one will ever fulfill your every need or desire. No one is perfect, I'm not and you're not either. Life is about making choices and commitments and honouring those commitments b/c you love or once loved that person. If you move form one to the next to the next you will never find true happiness and you will never experience true love.

Love is not always happy, it can involve heartache, pain, frustration and unhappiness at times, it is how you pull together to get through those times that makes your relationship and your love stronger.
Okay, I think you just don't really understand what I am talking about. I guess you have maintained the same friendships in exactly the same way with everyone you've known since you were little. You've never had friendships naturally come to a natural conclusion and you assume if they do, that one of the people in the friendship/relationship was merely "using" the other.

I have had many friendships over the years that have waxed and waned, when they waned, (no matter how it waned) I did not conclude that the friendship was disposable... that soul connection is always there, but for whatever reason, the outer manifestation of the friendship has changed. I honor and remember and cherish each and every friendship but that does not mean they have to remain in my life in the same form.
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Old 4th December 2009, 7:14 PM   #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SimplyBeingLoved View Post
Okay, I think you just don't really understand what I am talking about. I guess you have maintained the same friendships in exactly the same way with everyone you've known since you were little. You've never had friendships naturally come to a natural conclusion and you assume if they do, that one of the people in the friendship/relationship was merely "using" the other.

I have had many friendships over the years that have waxed and waned, when they waned, (no matter how it waned) I did not conclude that the friendship was disposable... that soul connection is always there, but for whatever reason, the outer manifestation of the friendship has changed. I honor and remember and cherish each and every friendship but that does not mean they have to remain in my life in the same form.
No, non of the friendships I have now are the same as they were when I was 11, how could they be, people change and grow, but you change and grow together, remembering why you loved that person and working to maintain the friendship. What I mean is, the friendship dynamics might change and it might not be easy but there is always a common ground to be found if you look hard enough. I did start out posting to you saying I did not belive that people just grow apart. I don't think they do, I think people choose to allow "seperations" to happen, every relationship/friendship takes work, anything worth while in life does, nothing easy is worth having, it's how you deal with the changes that matters. Sorry if I caused you offence, I certainly didn't intend to.
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