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new here, separated 6 months now and trying to reconcile. !


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

Old 20th August 2009, 2:40 PM   #1
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new here, separated 6 months now and trying to reconcile. !

my wife left me roughly 6 months ago, to get some space, but it has been nothing but chaos and super highs, and really really lows. we have been married for 3 years, 1 of which i was deployed to iraq, and our daughter was born. i was a jerk, i drank constantly, and i blew her off for no good reason whatsoever. i don't know what happened to me to get to that point, but emotionally she'd had enough, and left and forced a separation agreement. at this point, i was shocked, for all the things i took for granted were gone. i am by no means proud of the way i was, and it sucks that it took this for my to see and correct my flaws. and there were many, still are i guess. i have dated a bit, and so has she, but its honestly its not what i want, and she told me she didnt either.
so six months later here we are, i have begged and pleaded for her forgiveness, and i was at times too pushy i admit, but i'm only human and desperatley tryin to save my family. so all the happenings of months past aside, she agrees to try again, slowly, after seeing the changes i made in my life and with my daughter. this past couple weeks was great. we spent a few days doing family stuff, with no overnights, of course, until two days ago. here's where it all gets messy.
knowing better, than to even think about having sex, we did it anyway, and it killed everything i had worked so hard for. she said she didnt stop because it had been a long time, and knew i really wanted to. i did it for that too, and thinking it would be some kind of magical union, only to have her crying later in the night. then when she finally came out with it yesterday she told me that sexually she just wasn't satisfied. wtf is a man to do when he hears that? i was shattered. still am and i am an emotional wreck now, and i want to know if this has ever happened to any1 else? yesterday and today feels like we're back at square 1. emotionally, it wasnt there for either of us yet, and im wondering if thats the bigger problem. at the end of phone conversations she does tell me, or reply that she does love me which hasnt happened til this week, but did i really just kill it all? i am in turmoil, please help!
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Old 20th August 2009, 7:03 PM   #2
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Hey, I read your post and our situations seem very similar. I too have been separated for 6 months and was married 2 years. I am always confused on where we are going as the highs and lows are continuous. We still tell each other we love each other but the passion is lacking. I wish I had some good solid advice for you but I don't. Your wife sounds just as confused as mine. My wife will tell me that I am what she wants but her actions seem to speak very differently. We don't spend a whole lot of time together and when we do it's very tense.
Are you doing counseling?
I think having sex can be hard for some as there is a lot of emotional attachment that comes with it and if the relationship isn't quite right than the sex won't be either.
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Old 20th August 2009, 7:15 PM   #3
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Alright, I underwent a separation and reconciled after 6 months. We are still together and doing pretty well after a year now.

The difference between me and my wife was that the the romance and the sexual attraction was there. When we ended up sleeping together, there were major sparks.

So what is the difference here? Who else is she seeing? What precipitated this separation? Why is she not back with you if she wants to try again?

What have you done to change? What do you continue to do to rebuild the fire and passion?

It should not be work. It should be easy and you should not feel obligated to meet her needs, whatsoever. It has to be about you right now.
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Old 20th August 2009, 7:16 PM   #4
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Hi

Maybe like Friendsfirst said it was too quick b/c the lack of emotional connection. However when she said she's not satisfied, was she referring to just now, or always? Did she mean specifically physically or b/c of lack of an emotional connection. These are all things you need to ask her.

Once you know, you are in a position to work on it together. So if it's emotional, you take your time, date again, go to counselling.
If it's a physical thing, you will need to ask your w to communicate her wants and desires to you and maybe even consider sex therapy.

There's not much that can't be worked out by talking and honest open communication and she's alreday said she sees the change in you, this is another chance to show her you want to make your relationship better and how much you love her, that you are willing and able to work on it.
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Old 20th August 2009, 7:21 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Friendsfirst View Post
Hey, I read your post and our situations seem very similar. I too have been separated for 6 months and was married 2 years. I am always confused on where we are going as the highs and lows are continuous. We still tell each other we love each other but the passion is lacking. I wish I had some good solid advice for you but I don't. Your wife sounds just as confused as mine. My wife will tell me that I am what she wants but her actions seem to speak very differently. We don't spend a whole lot of time together and when we do it's very tense.
Are you doing counseling?
I think having sex can be hard for some as there is a lot of emotional attachment that comes with it and if the relationship isn't quite right than the sex won't be either.
Sex should come naturally and passionately. You can not even listen to your wife right now. She's a confused little rabbit. You have to just nod and smile and pounce on her like you are some sort of half ape / half man alpha male type with no remorse.

Second, you need to be playing the field. You need to be working your mojo on other people, not just women. You should be expanding yourself and learning more about yourself.

I had mind blowing sex during my separation which was maybe a good reason why she considered working on it with me. I was into it. I'm a pretty sexual person though.

What's your perspective after 6 months? Please do not tell me you tell her that you..."WANT TO WORK ON IT". That is the lamest crap ever.

Do you go out with new women and tell them you want to, "WORK ON IT".
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Old 21st August 2009, 1:15 AM   #6
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Hmmm, I'm now separated for the 2nd time from my wife and 2 kids. We separated for 6 mths then got back together and I'm out (by her choice) again. In time you will know your answer. Sex is something that takes work and communication to figure out what each person wants and expects from each other. Good luck.
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Old 21st August 2009, 1:49 AM   #7
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i can see all your points. and thanks

well first off, i have dated a couple of girls, and its not what i wanted, it confused the hell out of me. now today everything has changed. its weird again, and she will not tell me she loves me. back to square one. i know she does have a sweet side, but i havent seen it in too long. and of course every effing thing is still my fault. im not gonna sit around and kick myself anymore, and i have given her full control of this situation and of my life and it has drained me in everyway possible. i dont even feel like i have soul anymore. and after all the leaps and bounds we made forward, she now tells me she doesnt know, its all too fast, bla bla bla. at lesat this time i expected it, and for the third time now i caught on to it early, so it wasnt a complete surprise. and i called her on her bs. you have to want to change things before they will. and im sorry i am an average sized man physically, (to keep it g rated), and have never been told by anyone i didnt satisfy. so physical, or emotional, or both hwo knows? she says both, and honestly it died a long time ago for me and i didnt want to even be around her, much less have sex. she says sex is a big part of marriage, well it is a part but if you cant love 1 another, or arent there all the way there will be no sparks. tonight she says its because theres no passion. funny she married me the way i still am physically nothings changed, so im leaning toward emotional, but thats because i refuse to have my manhood guilded. screw that. anyway, i could go on and on, but this ones long enough. thanks guys for the input, but im quite certain shes done. and i wont allow her to drag me around anymore unless i see an effort. the best sex ive had was right after the separation with a girl i dated briefly. but thats all it was, and was too much to juggle. again thanks you guys.
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Old 21st August 2009, 9:20 AM   #8
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Hey, keep me updated on your situation. I read your posts again and it sounds so similar. My wife too says she needs space and let's take our time, where as I'm more of a let's fix it now kind of guy. I know she loves me and it sure sounds like your wife loves you but I think they are both confused on what they really want. Although I didn't drink heavily there was a lot that my wife wanted me to work on or do differently and I didn't. Now I don't know if it's too late. I know she loves me but is she in love with me is the question. We have had sex 3 times in the past 6 months and although it was OK there wasn't a whole lot of spark. It was more about the act and performance than it was romantic.
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