affair? divorce? not really sure of much these days...

[delajoonal]

Hello all....

 

 

First off, i have to warn you all, my story is LONG...

even tho it is breaking my heart into pieces, i promise,

this story will be entertaining...to say the least.

 

i have been lurking and reading for about 4 weeks now...maybe

you are all really

amazing for taking time to help and be there for everyone that is going

thru one type of pain or another...there are a few members in particular i am really hoping to take time to read my story, i would LOVE their feedback too.

(LakesideDream and PWSX3 and Gunny376 thanx if you have time:)

 

also, this is especially difficult, because i feel like the ONLY woman in the world that husband

wants a divorce...really, have you all seen how many woman are leaving there husbands and for NO good reasons too...oh makes me so mad!

 

i sure hope they read MY story...it will make them think twice before leaving those good men

behind...cause you know what...i am a good wife and a good woman, so it won't take

ME long to find another good husband to take care and be there for them too... that is if this jack**s leaves me?

 

been married 13 years this month. in oct. 2008, my husband, who is the quietest, most mellow,

sweet man i know, started YELLING at me..all the time...stupid crap...i.e. why didnt i make

his lunch everyday this week, which is very weird for him...one day he was so bad, called me a

bitch, NEVER has called me names in 14 years of being together...he brought home flowers and

cake that night and apologized profussly.

the yelling got worse, the distance became very prominant...i began, by january 2009 to wonder

if he was having an affair? i asked him this question...he said, oh, when would i have time,

(he works 2 shifts totaling 12 to 16 hour days)...anyway, he never actually would say NO or

YES...but diverted the whole question to something i have done wrong lately...

by February 25th, i had enough, i kNEW in my gut and heart HIS heart and mind had checked out?

i asked one last time, "are you having an affair?"...same answer as before.

i left the room....after sitting on my bed and thinking for a few minutes, i decided to go ask

again, and this time, NOT leave with out a YES or a NO answer..

well, after pulling teeth..LOL..and the beating around the bush, he is looking everywhere but

at me...i finally said LOOK a**h***, i KNOW you are having an affair, so just say YES already,

MAN UP and admit it already!

so he did, he said yes....BUT not the kind of affair i was thinking of???

WHA????

so i said, " are you in love with her?"

he could not look at me..finally he said, YES, i think so?

ok...so i cannot breath at this point..

did i mention, that in 13 years, we have had many problems,nothing violent or weird, BUT the

one thing we NEVER EVER had issues with, was jealousy or infidetly issues...no kidding. this

is the first and only relationship, i NEVER ever worried about that with this man...he was

just different....that is why i married HIM. we just never thought about it or worried about

it.

anyway...so, now you know why i was unable to breath at that point.

i simply walked away...into our bedroom and sat on our bed.

he came in with tears in his eyes apologizing...BUT not the kind in the movies..

NO, not the, i am sorry, it will never happen again, i LOVE you...blah blah..

NO, i got..

i am sorry, i am not in love with YOU anymore, and i want a divorce!

ok...now i am clearly not breathing...at all...i am numb and paralized all at the same time.

ok...so, now lets get to the good stuff..

he met her online, facebook, but had actually dated her for 2 weeks about 15 years ago...at

that time she was with her NOW husband...so she broke it off with my dh( we were not married

or dating yet at that time)

then..too...( too meaning, SHE broke it off with him this time again..too, more later)

so, i told him call her break it off, we will go to counceling and work on our issues...as i

am still very much in love with my husband...

so he did, and we did not go to counseling, we spent about 1 week in bed,(TMI?sorry)

bad choice on my part, he put an end to that too...said IT was just not there anymore..

hmmm? after ALL that sex, it took him that long to figure out if it was just not there

anymore...wouldn't you know the first round? LOL

he still is thinking of HER...OMG...expletive, etc!!!!! can't breath again!

i am humilated to say the least...so hurt, can't stop crying..why is this happening to me?

so, out comes more info on THEIR relationship...

they have only talked online, and met once in person, BUT never had sex.

he said he was working for his brother on this one particular day...i had a gut feeling,

called his brother...he covered for him..

or so i thought...4 weeks later, i find out, they NEVER actually even met in person on THAT

day..he really did work for his brother on that day...OMG..what is going on?

so far only talked on the cell, and emails...which i found some of those emails, ending with

LOVE D---- and LOVE N----.....oh thought i would puke:(

my dh admitted that he had lied about actually seeing her in person, because i had pushed it

so hard, he just finally said YES...when they had not ever....so how weird is that?

feel free to analyze this part:)

so, i decide to call her H...yes, i did.

he was a sweet man, very much in love with his wife...i felt bad for him and for calling, but

he said he already knew something was going on too, as she had told him the same song and

dance, "i no longer love you and want a divorce"

we talked for about 2 hours..really just about how much we love our spouses and how could they

do this to us? etc....she has 2 very small children owns a home and a business...so she really

had a lot to give up..which is why, come to find out that SHE was the one to call IT off with

my H, plus i had sent her a few text messages stating, kindly, no swearing etc...

but simply to please leave my H and my family alone...deal with your own family issues and

stay away from mine or i will call YOUR H....well, so that is why i called HER H...

are you all still with me??? LOL

so, i never did get to tell her H that they never met in person recently, because my H is a

big fat weirdo and lied about lying about having an affair..LOL

so i should prolly do that, give her H some relief there.

but she did lie and say they NEVER met before..when they actually did date 15 years ago...but

because she was with her H (boyfriend at that time) she did not want him to know she has

cheated on him so many times...apparently not with just my H..

ok...so...

now, 6/7 weeks later, my DH is still living in our home. he sleeps in his computer room.

which he had been doing for sometime anyway now...

even tho THEY no longer talk, online or the phone, it is completely over, my DH still wants a

divorce... my heart is breaking, i cry constantly, i can't understand WHY he won't give us a

second chance?

i bought FireProof...excellent movie in case anyone is interested...it really is inspiring and

amazing....i also purchased The Love Dare book...i have been working IT...after the 4th day, i

was floored when my dh brought me a phone that had been broken for 2 years...he fixed it, it

was my phone...he just fixed it out of no where for no reason...hmmmm? was the

LOVE DARE BOOK working????

so, we are stuck living together, he says to me last night, "....we are friends"

meaning him and i....OK! what?

NO! i am your wife, and after 13 years, i cannot just be your roomate/friend...idiot!

so, part of this crazy 'living arrangment" is that he is supposed to be in C, alone, as i go

myself, alone, i can't get him to do MC, so alone C is good for now..

he not only does not go to C, he goes to a support group called CoDA...

co-dependents anonymous...

ok, so did i mention, that i have NO addictions etc...so that is weird right?

but guess who does have an addiction and has been a huge issue in our marriage for 7 years

now...yes, my dh is addicted the computer game America's Army...it is violent loud and awful,

the total opposite of what my husband is and always was...as a matter of fact, raising our

son, who is now 22 years old, there were NO violent video games aloud in the house...ever!

Zelda..maybe..LOL...not only cause he did not want our son(step son if anyone is trying to do

the math..LOL) to play, BUT because he did NOT believe in them...detested them....

SO, i ask, what happened there????

so he is now playing a game that is so violent, his lips curl up he snarls, yells, swears

bangs his fists on the desk (NEVER has hit me tho), and has NO fuse when it comes to dealing

with ANYTHING in life...he checked out emotionally 7 years ago...

so now you ask, why did i stay...well, i love my dh, he is still a good man, good heart.

and would never hurt me...or so i thought (physically never, emotionally, he destroyed me).

so now, getting back to instead of going to one on one C, he has joined this co dependent

group..now don't get me wrong, i believe any therapy is good...but i said to him, now if you

found someone ONLINE to attach yourself too emotionally, because OW understood his problems

and what HE was going thru, etc...blah blah...

so, imagine what HE will do in one of those groups...with all those women with aLL those

problems...that "he can relate too"...LOL....so he says to me, oh i was already told by the C

lady that helped me find the groups, that it is not wise to 'hook up' with anyone from these

groups....OMG! so IT Must be a huge problem?

anyway, so bottom line, now i have kicked him out...for good.

i just can't take anymore.

i am still in love with my husband, i can't live like roomates, i can't deal with these

jealous feelings i have NEVER EVER HAD before with him...eeK! they are awful and gut

wrenching. i can't imagine my dh with OW physically or emotionally, i want to rip my hair out!

i never in all these years ever had a jealous bone in my body..and now i am womped over the

head this crap:(

my dh really has NO where to go...quite literally actually. i kicked him out for 3 weeks when

the whole 'affair' was outted...i was sad and lonely, etc...but i felt myself starting to heal

and go smoothly through the grieving process...my C even noticed i was sounding good, and

positive, etc....

but then i found out my dh had slept in his car those last few nights...i am sorry, i just

could NOT let that happen...i don't care what he did, no one deserves that, right?

but then on the other hand, he did admit that if it were i that had the A, i would have been

out on my bum with NOTHING..and he would have taken ALL my belongings to the trash dumpster.

so, i ask you...what the heck am i doing?

really, feel free to reply:)

even now, tonight, as i have told him do not come back, this co-dependent meeting crap was the

last straw, it is humiliating and just dug the knife in my heart a little bit more.

just disrespectful, as he was suppose to be in C alone, one on one...not trolling group

therapy rooms for more 'ditraught unhappily married women"...and ones he doesn't even belong

in...HE should be in, if any, the addiction to computers groups (clocked him in at 16 hours on

his days off of work)....yes, it is that bad, no food, just diet pepsi...alot of diet pepsi!

anyway, so if any of you have actually taken the time to read this post, i would soooo

appreciate it...really!

i would LOVE LOVE LOVE feedback, opinions, etc...

but remember, i am SO hurting right now, i still LOVE my dh so much...and still hurting so

much...so please be kind..but at the same time, if you gotta say IT..say IT...LOL

that is what i love about this website...everyone cares and says how they feel, not to hurt

anyone, but to give a kick in the butt where needed and a big hug if needed too:)

ok, i know there is something i am forgetting...oh, some other details that may or may not

change your opinions?

my dh got cancer about 5 years ago, he is fine and OK now...i also got VERY ill lost my job

all in the same week...so we were both sick for a few years...no sex for a few

years...anyway...but still affectionate and cuddly, kisses hugs, etc.

he got sick again last year almost died really, it was the worst time of our lives...he was in

surgery on christmas eve, i was home sick..again, the hospital would NOT let me see him,

because i was so sick and they were worried about infection, etc...i just found out recently,

my dh has resented that i was not there during that surgery...i thought he knew they told me i

could not be there..so i made sure his parents and other family members WERE there for him at

that time...he actually cried and was so upset with me...it broke my heart...but what was i

suppose to do? when he got home from the hospital, i picked him up, and brought him home and i

babied him so much...anything he wanted..he didh't even have to ask, i already had it done...i

even brushed his teeth and bathed him every day for a month...powered his

bum..lol...everything a loving wife could do:)

anyway, i tried to make up for that time, but he will NOT let it go or forgive me...i was sick

what could i do? the first surgery i was there, ran myself ragged everyday and night, running

back and forth at 3 adn 4 in the morning by myself..i was scary, but i know my dh needed me,

but hte a few months later, is when he got really bad, needed more surgery and that is when i

was sick and could not fully be there for him

so again...no sex for another year or so...

but he never really said much about THAT? as we were both sick so much...

BUT, when we were all better and most recently..WOW! amazing sex!

so, again, i am so not sure why this man does not live me anymore..i am still cute:)

i still LOVE him so much..i keep a very clean home, i give to charity, i am a good friend, a

great mom and i thought a loving wife:(

ok...so, anything you have to share..PLEASE...help me:)

i think i knwo i have to just move on...but my love is so strong...and that LOVE DARE book

keeps haunting me...it really is an amazing book..it even says, if your spouse has checked out

competely, filed for divorce...if you work this book you can still make it happen again...

each dare gets harder and harder...but at the same time they don't, cause they kinda come easy

when you love someone so much:)

thanks so much everyone...thank you!

p.s. i would give a limb to bring back the man i married, so sweet and kind...and make our

marriage work again:)

[Nomad1]

My suggestion is to let him go. He has crossed the line. Please don't perpetuate your anguish. How can you love someone who treated you so horridly? He does not deserve you. You deserve better my dear. You sound like such a nice and loving mother and wife. Let him go!

 

Good luck

 

Nomad1

[delajoonal]

hi nomad1....

thank you for taking the time to read my post...that in its was quite a defeat...LOL....i appreciate the time you took and your repsonse/reply.

 

you are right...i know that in my heart and my gut...but my mind keeps wandering back down memory lane and it catches me every time.

 

my best friend of 30 years said the exact same thing as you did.

 

she has never said one bad word about him, ever, in all these years...BUT this..oh boy, she has really let go..LOL...

 

thank you again... i know what i have to do...i just wandered what everyone here thought....if there is a glimmer with the Love Dare book?

or he just does not deserve that time....my time?

 

thanks again so much:)

have a Fabulous day!

[sotired]

Let him go. It seems he is just being passive aggressive at this point with the meetings and such and you're right...all it takes is a few minutes on the computer to find another woman that "understands his pain" and he'll be ready to walk out the door again.

 

You not being there for his surgery is a smokescreen. He is trying to make you feel bad to justify his actions.

 

You shouldn't feel like you are damaged somehow because your husband wants out. He is the one with the problem...The video games, hooking up on facebook. He sounds like a teenager.

 

There are a lot of people here that believe in making marriage work no matter what. I don't think something like this is fixable though. He isn't willing to fix anything, he won't fight for you and he's just going to continue to do these things because it gives him some kind of validation. If the MW hadn't cut things off he'd be with her now...I just don't understand how anyone could be with someone with that in the back of their minds.

[delajoonal]

sotired...

oh, you really hit the nail on the head with that one!

the teenager part...and NOT being here for me...

wow! he has NEVER been by my side for anything really..

like in a 'man' way....and you are right...about the

hooking up online or in the groups...he KNOWS how much i

still llove him and is going to continue to use that against me.

i know this...i just can't stop loving him...although after the last few

weeks..IT is getting easier to NOT so much anymore...

so much is coming clearer..and your post and others are reaffirming

what i know i have to do...you are also right about another thing..

there are alot of folks that believe in making "IT" work...but i am not

so sure i can EVER trust him again...i would constantly call his cell

wonder where he is, what is he doing online, etc...

that is NO WAY to live.

i watched my sister in law do that to her man..ack! it is awful to not

have trust...but like i said, that was something we never ever had to worry about...until now...so i guess i am a bit in denial still...

or something:(

thank you for your time...i do appreciate everyones time and replies:D

[Nomad1]

you are right...i know that in my heart and my gut...but my mind keeps wandering back down memory lane and it catches me every time.

 

I think you mean that your mind knows that, but your heart and gut are tied to irrational feelings of what you still feel as love. You do not love this man. People have to be lovable to be loved. He is anything but lovable. I think that the way you feel is more to do with you. You are hurt and disappointed that the man you spent a huge chunk of your life turned out to be immature and deceitful. Do not feel sorry for him. In fact, you are better off not having any communication with him. I would not piss on him if he were on fire, let alone feeling sorry for him. Cut him loose. And do not allow yourself to think about him. He is not paying rent for living inside your mind!

 

You are a good woman and deserve much, much better! Keep telling yourself that!

 

Good luck.

[confusedinkansas]

I am so sorry for all of your pain. Just reading your post....I could just tell how horrifying it must be for you.

The only thing I can say is......If there is still love between you two - then it's worth trying to salvage. But, it seems to me that he is not in love with you anymore. For that I"m sorry. But it also seems - He isn't clear in his thinking either. He's all mixed up - All over the place. And, possibly hurting too.

 

Moving on past something like this will take time to heal. It might feel like you can die from a broken heart, but the reality of it is, time does heal. Individual counseling....might help. Good luck to you. Keep posting. It is therapudic.

[hopesndreams]

Another loving, giving woman done wrong. You know you can't fix this on your own and he isn't doing anything to get what you both had once back. You did right by tossing him out and he still hasn't learned anything.

 

but then i found out my dh had slept in his car those last few nights...i am sorry, i just

could NOT let that happen...i don't care what he did, no one deserves that, right?

but then on the other hand, he did admit that if it were i that had the A, i would have been

out on my bum with NOTHING..and he would have taken ALL my belongings to the trash dumpster.

so, i ask you...what the heck am i doing?

really, feel free to reply

 

It's not your problem where he is living, be it house, car, tent, or gutter. He is the one that screwed up, and the only way for you to hang on to your sanity is to get him out of your house. Is he still living with you now?

 

If you continue doing what your doing be prepared for it to go on and on and on. He will keep getting away with whatever he wants to do because he knows you have a big heart. Why delay the inevitable? Let him go now, you need your life back, and all those great memories are just that...memories. Live for today and the future.

[Gunny376]

While its true that some couples that suffer infidelity in their relations recover, the truth of the matter is that most don't. To do so, requires a great deal of work for an extended prolonged period of time in re-building the marriage almost from the ground up.

 

For any relationship to work requires the man to consistently demonstrate 'self-confidence, self-discipline, and a sense of humor, (to laugh to keep crying if noting else when time get hard)

 

YOUR husband is lacking in all three?

 

The time to go is when

 

~ Their attraction for you is low

 

~ They have clearly lost interest in sex with you

 

~ They're not happy with you and your not happy with them

 

~ They've changed in ways that no longer mesh with your personality

 

~ They go from low-maintenance to high maintenance

 

~ Respect is lost, your for them and their for you

 

~ They attempt to take control of your life

 

~ They develop emotional problems

 

~ They cheat on you.

 

Most men lack the skills to make a long term relationship work for the long haul. They're wonderfully romantic, caring, loving at the beginning of the relationship, but as soon as they've "seal the deal" they become complacent, un-attentive, even become complete wimps.

 

They do not understand that for the rest of their days they will have to be a challenge to a woman, that is to say, "What it took to get her is what it takes to keep her" and that "You have to date your mate.

 

They fail to understand that they must fight against familiarity, stay attractive to their mates, and 'be the man' they married. An provide irregular reinforcement, so just the ho-hum regular holidays, anniversaries and birthdays giving the 'standard issue' flowers, candy and cards?

 

There is behavior and consequence, and you failed to let him fully appreciate his "lesson in objectivity' when you let him move back in because he was sleeping in his truck.

 

If you've any chance of getting back, making the needed adjustments, adaptations, suffer from the pain, learn and grow.

 

He has to be willing to want to make it work ~ which IMHO he doesn't. So let him live and sleep out of his truck, let him start from scratch going to 'China Mart" buying all that stuff he's already bought once before. Let him discover that an empty one bedroom apartment does not a "home" make.

 

And then 'when and if" the light of reasoning begin to shine through, make him work and work damn hard his way back into your marriage, your trust, your heart.

 

In short? Nothing but tough love. Which means YOU must consistently demonstrate 'self-confidence, self-discipline, and a sense of humor, (to laugh to keep crying if noting else when time get hard)

 

Since you've been reading for the last four weeks, you might want to do a fourm seach for an older poster who no longer posts her ~ LadyJane14, she had a lot of really good advice when it comes to this sort of thing. She also use to post up in the "inidelity' section under "Marriage"

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

I think the situation you are in is very typical of long term marriages that are failing. There is no reason the marriage cannot be brought back to llife at some point. But it takes the opposite reaction of what your heart wants to do right now.

 

Once you have truly moved on and given up, I mean with all your heart and soul, understood that you do not need him or want him anymore. Once you no longer resent him, and no longer really care what he thinks and feels in regards to the two of you as a couple. Then there is a likelihood, at that moment, or shortly thereafter, he will see all of the things he gave up and will truly miss the relationship you once had.

 

So my advice to you - move on, and stay out of any relationships with other men for a long time. The sad fact of the matter is that human nature causes exactly the opposite reaction. It is likely you will rebound with another man (or men), as you have just faced such a serious rejection. At the same time you will likely play games, and hurt him, and remain connected to him even though you know you shouldn't...

 

Best of Luck!

[Gunny376]

Make Ladyjane14 (lower case j for Jane not upper-case)

 

BTW she was in a long term marriage, husband was having an on line EA, and was one of only a few I've heard of that was able to save and rejuivnate her marriage, (not to give you false hope ~ the DH was very motivated to work on and save the marriage)

 

The one thing that she did though when she found out was that she didn't confront him immediately. She had seperation / divorce papers drawn up that very day, and presented them herself when she got home from work that afternoon.

 

In short she dropped the bomb on him and was deadly serious that she meant business ~ and made damn sure he knew it! She's was not playing with his @ss!!!!!

 

Last we heard, they were all :love: :love: again!

[delajoonal]

thank you thank you thank you ALL!

 

your words and kindness and time have meant the world to me.

i really appreciate the honesty too.

 

i know it was a huge mistake letting him come back.

but in my mind, i was trying to work the LOVE DARE book..so i thought, and from what i heard, it would be easier to do it with him around and in the house..LOL

 

it seemed to work, hence the fixing of the telephone, washing my car, etc. and he was being SO nice and all....

 

but in reality, am i only kidding myself?

am i still living like husband and wife, while he has made IT clear, we are NOT?

 

ack! this hurts sooo much:(

 

i will be back later today, to re-read the posts....i need IT ALL to sink in!...LOL

 

thank you all again for taking time to read my LONG post..LOL

and even more time to help me get through this horrific time in my life.

 

also, i will take the advice on NO men right now..i really can't think of being with ANY one else anyway...i still love my husband.? but after so many years, i just can't imagine 'being' with another man right now...

maybe some day...but not anywhere in the near future....dh pretty much killed ANY self esteem physically and emotionally...even tho he said just a few days ago, i am beautiful blah blah and my looks don't have anything to do with why he wants a divorce...whatever jerk! LOL:lmao:

 

i know i need to keep coming here and posting and reading...and also keep going to my C alone and possibly down the line Divorce Support groups near my home? what do you all think of those? the divorce support groups?

 

well, like i said, i was doing well, on my way to moving on, but then i let him back in the house...so now, i feel even worse than i did the first time...so this will take some time....my best friend just got here and taking me out today:) friends are amazing during times like this:)

 

thank you again all sooo much!

 

have a FABULOUS DAY!

[pelicanpreacher]

Is your husband gainfully employed or are you the primary provider shouldering the financial means of the marriage? Also, it doesn't seem like your husband thought his plans very far into the future if he didn't at least plot an exit plan prior to D-Day. Perhaps he's become mentally imbalanced due to his gaming addiction. He has definately checked out of the marriage so should be required to handle his need to explore his emerging feelings of discontent with a bit more maturely than he's exhibited thus far. You need to take a firm stance on making him leave the residence for he has become too toxic to your self-esteem and mental/emotional well being.

[delajoonal]

hi pelicanpreacher...

 

thank you for your response:)

my dh is the sole provider at this time...i do some work at home, but not much of an income..anymore..i was in property management for years...that was a nice income;)

 

dh makes pretty good money for both of us...for now

and i think he is pretty scared at this point about alimony...

already been determined ( my attorneys) that i will most likely

get lifetime alimony and medical as well as 50% of his pention, 401K

and the insurance policies are in place until the judge determines the final outcome...

 

i have been pretty smart about researching MY future...while he was gone..i not only cried alot...but made sure i would be finacially sound...because you are SO RIGHT...the big dummy, did not make any

"Exit" plan..LOL..you are funny!...i even asked him that..?

i said, ' why didn't you just divorce me, then go out galavanting around'

because even your OW dumped you...so now you don't get either one of us..LOL...he is very mixed up..he loves me, then he doesn't...ack! what a mess..how could i have been so blind all these months....or even years?

 

anyway, so i am NOT going easy on alimony..NO SIR!

he is going to pay for this broken heart...for a LONG LONG TIME!

 

anyway, yes, you are right... i used those same words today,

"he checked out" about 7 years ago...when he sat down behind his computer and that was that:(

i called it the

"spousal avoidance center" for years..LOL...not funny anymore:lmao:

 

have a great night all..and thanks again for all the wonderful support and advice:)

[delajoonal]

ok...so now what do i do?

oh someone has to know:o PLEASE?

 

he came back today...just when the ugly knot in my stomach

had gone away...it is back..he is back and so are the tears...

only now i have to close my bedroom door...so he doesn't get any

satisfaction over hearing me cry...knowing HE broke my heart!

argh! so angry!

 

i can't make him leave our house...legally, we have NO violence, no records of domestic abuse, cause there was none...so NO judge will make him leave...i was told "to tough it out"...r they kidding me!?

 

so, it is time to put into plan the 34 steps to a BETTER me with out him...

TrustInYourself posted the steps in this forum...they are amazing...so i am thinking, someone must be watching over me...cause those steps were posted here today..just IN TIME for this mess of HIM coming home.

 

so, it starts NOW..with me...

 

BUT, if any of you have lived in this situation, seperated but have to live together, i would so love to hear what you did, how you made IT all work, etc. and if you too used the 34 steps to getting over HIM/HER?

 

i can do this...i can do this....i can do this!...

with all of your help that is..LOL...you are all so amazing and so kind to share in your own heart aches and triumphs too...us broken hearted newbies sure appreciated it:)

 

ok...i will check back later...i think too, i will read more posts and see if maybe i can be of help to anyone else:) or not...LOL...i can try;)

 

have a great night all!

[Nomad1]

Hey there! I remember spending 6 months in the same. My 3 teenage boys were there too. Things always deteriorate when living under the same roof, but separated. I wasted no time. I partied a lot, went out 3 times a week on average, dated a few women during this time. It was a relief when she left. A year and a half later, the house is still not selling, I see my boys 50% of the time (I have excellent relationship with them), I have a very nice woman living with me. My career has taken off. I am in the final chapter of my PhD. I am fitter and much happier. I continue to refuse to have any contact with the crazy woman, who from time to time gets angry for no reason and demands to see me under some pretext. I am completely indifferent to her silliness. It's all good baby!

 

Hang in there

[stuckinoz]

We tried living together for 6 months~~ It DID NOT work!

He went about his merry life & when I chose to go about mine, he would constantly call me on my cell wanting to know when I was coming home, who was I with, what was I doing. That was the whole point of "being separated." And, No I did not phone him when he wasn't home wondering where he was. But everytime my butt was not at home he demanded to know where I was..so I moved out!

We did it that way, like most people, for financial reasons. (we are paying a heafty price now for that choice & clawing our way back out of a financial pit)

We are reconciling now......but it was a year of separation before he decided to pull his head out of his @ss & realize where things were broken & how to fix them.

 

Chin Up My Friend......You WILL make the right decision. It WILL be OK:cool:

[delajoonal]

stuckinoz & nomad1...

 

hi there...and thank you all so much for taking a moment to share your experiences with me...

 

first off, i am a complete mess...on one hand, i want him here so i can work the LOVE DARE book...but on the other hand..i am not sure i have IT in me anymore..

 

he is actually so nice...still calls me 'sweetie', let me tell you, that is a mind f`...i just ignore him when he says tho...it is prolly out of habit after all these years...who knows?

 

also at this point, he seems more confused than ever...

i think BECAUSE i have been working the LOVE DARE book....he is seeing ME before all this mess started...i am calm and nice and giving...etc.

 

anyway...so now, i sat up all night reading and re-reading the 34 steps that Trust- posted....they are a great way to get through this living together...BUT, they are the total opposite of the LOVE DARE book...

my heart wants to do the book...my mind says..DO THE 34 STEPS!

 

i think if i just back off, like the 34 steps say to do...he might come around..so to speak?

because. when i first kicked him out, he was gone for 3 weeks...after about 1 week, he started calling me (i NEVER CALLED HIM), and his reasons were stupid..weird off the wall...i would end up saying to him,

"what exactly did you call for?"

 

so, i think THAT STEP, of not calling, just going about my business day to day and making a new life for myself...was actually working...so maybe i should try the other 33 steps..LOL

 

so, i can't do both....

what to do! what to do????

 

bottom line, truth be told, a huge part of me wants to move to my own little apartment, fix it up all FLOWERS and shabby chic..LOL...just me and my chihuahua...and be done with this all...i did ask him to file the papers already!

BUT...there is always a but right?...( i feel like one these days..LOL)

i have my love for God, and don't want to break the covenant of our marriage...

 

i do have my lawyer on stand by with my papers( just in case it gets out of control emotionally for me)...but through this entire marriage i have ALWAYS had to make ALL the heavy decisions...HE just checked out, never grew up, whatever it was...i did everything:sick:

 

SO, mr. big shot made this choice to have an online EA...and wants a D...

than in my book it is time for HIM to STAND up and MAN UP..finally!

HE can file the papers with his time and money:sick:

 

but, i am giving this one month, i even have an apartment on hold, etc. to move on JUNE 1st...so, if things dont' change for the better,

I'm outta here! LOL

 

i know some will say, JUST GO NOW! but i think i will give this just one month...it will either get better or worse?

 

ok...so now i have rambled on much too long..i am sorry:eek:

 

BUT, i SO appreciate ALL your advice and stories and opinions..

PLEASE KEEP 'em coming:)

 

have a FABULOUS day all!

 

p.s. stuckinoz, i am so glad to hear that after ALL your heartache and hard living arrangement, that you were able to reconcile!

i think that is ALL of our goals..if only:)

also, did you work the 34 steps? or something else? (if you don't mine me asking? just curious what worked for you all)

 

i am a true believer in the covenant of marriage...my dh on the other hand does NOT have the same spiritual beliefs i do...SO that might be our first problem...as i have changed spiritually of the last 10 years..and he has not:(

anyway..congrats! to you and i wish you both the BEST..truly:love:

[imagine]

I am also a Christian believer in marriage. Your husband has neglected you by not being present.

 

You need to establish that this will be a thing of the past. As I understand it there are three reasons for divorce: Abuse, Absence and Adultery.

 

You need to establish proper boundaries that these do not occur. This is before you take him back.

 

He recognizes your worth during the period of separation, try use it to improve your marriage. You need a new marriage.

[SadMan1]

Thank you for the Love Dare reference. I just bought it and I will try it out. Even though it is one-sided, on my part, it does look like a good excercise, even if the end result is not what I want. Thank you.

[delajoonal]

hi imagine and sadman...

 

hope your day is better than mine;)

 

sadman, the LOVE DARE book is wonderful..even if it doesn't work out in the end...you will feel amazing about yourself and self worth and will power, along with faith, etc...it is can get difficult...but it is worth it...well it was for me anyway..

 

imagine, thank you for reaffirming my beliefs, and that i will not back down for him or anyone...irregardless of what is going on in my life right now...God has ALWAYS been there for me...i know there is a reason for all this pain...i am just in TOO Much pain to see it yet...but, something bad always happens before something really really great happens...so this(my husband kicking me to the curb) too is for a reason:(

 

well...today, i was trying to rest and just watch an old movie, to take my mind off of dh and the divorce issues, etc...

 

well, now keep in mind, in 14 years, as i stated in the original post, dh nor myself ever had jealous issues, never...really...i NEVER searched his belongings etc...

 

BUT, today, for some reason..i got up, in the middle of my movie, went straight into his room, picked up his jeans on his computer chair stuck my hand in one pocket and pulled out a movie ticket...my heart felt sad for a moment, that on his day off, the day before, he really had no where to go..so he went to a movie..not like him...so i went to just put in back in his pocket, now meanwhile i am thinking to myself, why did i just get up for NO reason and do this, as if like a robot had been ordered to do so..LOL

well, this is why...i went to put THE ticket back in his pocket..and VIOLA`...a SECOND ticket appeared from behind the first ticket...

so there you have IT..2 flippen movie tickets...OMG!

 

so, of course i could not breath..again...why GOD does this keep happening day after day, i NEVER get a break from this man breaking my heart into pieces...!

 

so, i calmed down, called his cell..all the while knowing how extremly stupid i am being...it took me 50 minutes to get that man/CHILD to finally admit he even went to a movie that day...why does he just keep lying..and in the end...it was a friend from work...LOL...OK..cause i am just that stupid to keep believing this garbage....argh!

 

i had said to him, yesterday, if you move back in, no more lies, please respect me as i will you and NO DATING until we are outta here! he agreed...well what made me think he would adhere to these rules...i mean our marriage certificate meant nothing, right!

 

so..long story longer..LOL

 

i said i deserve better than this crap...and he needs to leave or i will rip my hair out, i was crying and he could see THIS was not going to work...so he agreed to leave...for good...

he came by after work and picked up his clothes...that i graciously strewn across the yard..LOL..he didnt even say a word about that ..LOL

 

anyway...he still cannot give me any closure, no answers NADA NOTHING!

the man is and empty shell of what i married...a piece of ruthless lying garbage...

 

yes, today, folks was the last dang straw for me.

he said he KNOWS he will regret this all, and that there is a man out there that will snap me up in a minute, cause i am a good wife...but WE, him and i, were just not on the same page:mad:

he actually said, that i am too good for him...now, is that not a cop out or what?

 

anyway....so there you have it..

i dont' have to work the 34 steps, i don't have to do the LOVE DARE book..other than for my own growth and well being...

 

i may sound calm, believe me, the hysteria is there...crying screaming, etc...LOL...

 

so now i am going to go do my work out and work off some aggression and anger...

 

ok, now i am crying...dang it:o sorry folks...

 

THIS is going to be so hard...but i can do this i can do this! right?...LOL

 

i am still in shock...he is really gone...took most of his ugly stuff and just left...we were just saying i love you, and very intimate, and watching movies, eating meals together...being husand and wife and laughing just a month ago...what in the world happened???

 

can this ALL be really cause of the online EA with the OW????

 

ok...sorry to ramble again...i tend to do that when i am nervous and scared and in pain...

 

have a great night all;)

 

p.s. sad man, let me know what you think of the LOVE DARE book...it really is good...it seemed to have worked but it was one sided for me too...keep the faith good man!

[searcher]

delajoonal I have read your post as I know you have read mine.

 

Firstly let me tell you how much I feel for you, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Our stories are so similar in so many ways. I've gone months wondering if anyone else has had this happen to them and felt as devastated and heartbroken as I have and I'm sorry to find there is.

 

Let me tell you that for three months I have been an emotional wreck. The only reason I have been able to get out of bed in the mornings is because of my children and a job I can't afford to lose. I know how hard it is to wake up every morning to to the reality of your situation.

 

Interestingly my dh also has a computer addiction. He says it's a hobby and could never admit it was a problem. He found out about 4 years ago that he has a tumor in his brain. It was inoperable but has been managed with medication and he has just been told that the tumor is under control and not life threatening. We did go through about 2 years of hell (his bad moods etc) before the tumor was diagnosed. It was effecting his hormones.

 

What I have discovered only very recently is that as the happy memorys of the past have been replaced more and more by the recent negative ones I have started to move into the state if indifference. The pain in my heart has started to ease and the knot in my stomach has disappeared. Everytime you start to go down memory lane and feel sad think about the man your dh is now and all the reasons why you don't want to be with the person he is now.

 

Once you can acheive the state of indifference you will take back your dignity and feel more in control. I know you would still like to save your marraige and I do think getting to this point is an important part of the process. You need to get your power back otherwise your dh will always have the upper hand.

 

I wish you all the best. Keep moving forward to the strong woman you are.

[delajoonal]

well, this is basically a follow up on this subject.

 

i have gone back and re-read all my posts from the first to last..so far..and wow! although i am in no way completely recovered and on my way to a bright and shiny future...

BUT...

from reading my past posts and the way i feel today...since he has been gone for 7days now and no NC...each day i wake up a little more clear headed:)

 

each day i can actually see myself alone and getting on with my life.

 

i have to say, although my friends are amazing, this website LS, and all the members have shown me the light..so to speak...not really swaying me to any one decision, BUT showing me there are many ways to handle this situation....but most all say to just respect myself and love myself and to NOT let my cheater stbx have any more control over my emotions.

 

so much good advice, so many wonderful people...

 

i guess i am being all gushy today..LOL..because i woke up realizing i haven't cried in a few days, and havent' screamed either at stbx or just roming around this house by myself talking/yelling at myself..LOL

 

some days are hard, so many memories here in this house, raising our son etc...but yesterday and more today, i am really liking the thought of being in my own cozy one bedroom apartment...flowers everywhere and ALL PINK...LOL

 

no more yelling at my dh while he is sitting on his computer (huge addiction that led to our problems), no more being second to the computer, no more being ignored for a computer...and most of all

no more feeling so lonely while my dh is just in the next room...that is an awful feeling..to be ignored by your spouse, when we could be laughing, going out to eat, movies, sex..anything but him sitting on that darn computer playing that darn game, day in and day out..ack!

 

NO MORE!

 

ok, so dont' get me wrong...i still have sad moments...but not the scared moments anymore...i am not really afraid of my future...i think IT will all be OK:love:

 

have a fabulous day all...thank you again for always being here...

oh, i sound like i am leaving..LOL...i am not leaving..i am just letting everyone know how much progress i have made thanks to all you members...

THANK YOU!