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Wife still sleeps with 11yo son


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Old 8th February 2008, 7:47 PM   #1
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Wife still sleeps with 11yo son

Wow, where to begin. So many sad stories here and now mine will be one of them.
The title pretty much says it all. My wife and I have never had a "marriage bed" in 18 years of marriage.

We are both 36, high school sweethearts. I've only dated 1 other girl briefly. Both attractive (wife is especially beautiful).

1989 Married at 19 with a baby 7 months later. The baby promptly went in between us in the bed. Pretty happy times though. I went to college, she stayed home.

FF to 1997, I'm working at a decent job as a surveyor, wife is still raising our daughter and my son is born this year. Daughter is moved to her own room and son now is between us.

I keep waiting, and waiting and waiting.

11 years later- My son moved to his own room just last year...and my wife went with him. She has worked so hard to make our kids completely dependent on her that my son actually want her to sleep with him every night.

I sleep alone (Sleeping single in double bed, just like the song )

Our sex life has went from WOW! when we were dating to once a month if I'm lucky.

We have no alone time, communication time, date time. For my birthday last year all I asked for was one date alone with my wife. We went out to eat together and she promised we would start doing that once a month. -We didn't.

I'm sick of complaining to her about it. She says she loves me but can't separate herself from the kids.

Her father was bipolar, spent time in institutions, her parents divorced, and recently her dad remarried a woman younger than my wife, died 3 months later and left everything he had to the new wife, specifically writing my wife and her brother out of the will.

To make matters worse she says she now has vulvadynia (pain of the vulva) and suffers pain all the time. Somehow she still manages to wear thong panties, and walk miles at a time (for her health she says). I believe she does hurt sometimes, but I also think she uses it as an excuse to avoid intimacy.

The shape of our marriage is partly my fault for trying to be "too" supportive, and not being stern enough about my feelings.

I'm about at the end of my rope. I've been through 3 very tough years trying to work through all this. One week I love her so much it hurts, and the next I'm so hurt I just want her to leave.

She told me a month ago that she was never going to be able to make me happy. I told her I wanted a wife not a roommate. She says she is not good enough for me, that she is worthless and everyone would be better off if she had never been born. She says she is going to get a full time job so she could afford to move out. Then she changed her mind and begged me to give her another chance (one of many).

She still has not tried to move out of our sons bed and treats him like a deity.

She is a good wife. She's always worked hard, kept a great house, loved the kids, but she's always been the type of parent who thinks her job is to make the kids as happy as possible when sometimes they need "tough" love to grow into the adults they need to be.

In all fairness, I've been a good husband as well. She gets comments all the time on what a good husband she has.

I've never cheated on her, she's never cheated on me (that I know of since being married, but she did when we were dating), but she seems to desire "attention" all the time from everyone. For instance when she walks, she could walk at the track, but prefers to walk up and down the sidewalk where everyone can see her (she says its because of the differing terrain).


I feel like I've spent the last few years being unhappy and unloved. I want things to CHANGE! I'm a schoolteacher now, and we barely make it on my salary and hers combined. If I could afford it I think I would have already left.

I know she has been through a lot with her parents, and there is something that has happened to her in the past that she says she can't tell me about (abuse of some kind?), but how long can a person go on feeling unloved, and neglected as a man? How can I make her understand how wrong our situation is?
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Old 8th February 2008, 8:00 PM   #2
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I'm sorry, I don't have any good advice for you, or even any advice, except to start therapy with your wife, and individual counseling for her...and maybe some for your son...

There is something wrong about her sleeping with your 11 year old son every night. That boy is going to have a very WARPED sense of boundaries and the role of mother and wife. If your wife also treats him like a deity, well, just imagine the hell his future wife is in for.
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Old 8th February 2008, 8:04 PM   #3
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An 11 year old boy should NOT be sharing his bed with his mom. That is just wrong and she is having trouble letting go.

You and your wife need to reconnect again! Go on romantic weekend getaway, if possible and let the grandparents look after your son. Start bringing her flowers, make her feel special, hopefully by doing that it will make her feel good and she'll do nice things for you as well - in the bedroom....

Marriage counselling is an option as well, learn how to communicate and listen to eachother, as well as she can deal with her past issues that maybe are affecting her now.

Don't give up!
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Old 8th February 2008, 8:19 PM   #4
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WOW.. you need to have a serious talk with your wife.. and this time, make sure, she delivers the promises.

Put it in writing if you have to... a date once a month... etc

From your post, I get that she's the one who runs the household.. you just let her do what she wants... you do not take your role as a father and a husband.. you need to be more assertive.. they ARE your children too you know...

If there is no way you can come to some type of agreement, I say, live with her as a roomate and get a mistress or leave her..
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Old 9th February 2008, 5:10 PM   #5
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Thanks for the replies all. I have let her run too much of the household.

I spoken with her about it many times and she says its the only way she feels like she is worth anything (by constantly cleaning and working in the house, vacuuming what doesn't need to be vacuumedn and dusting what doesn't need to be dusted).

She never sits down or rests. She is outside washing the car right now and its 50 degrees.

Don't get me wrong, I'm always there for my kids and very active in their lives, but she always relies on me to be the "heavy" while she does everything she can to be their "buddy". She even calls my son "love" and my daughter "sis".

I've had a long talk with her and she says that she just can't be the person I need her to be and that she is sorry for neglecting me. She says she doesn't know who she is anymore and that she only feels like "mom".

I'm making an appointment with a therapist...
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Old 9th February 2008, 5:44 PM   #6
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and while you're at it.. make one with your lawyer..
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Old 9th February 2008, 8:41 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by Lizzie60 View Post
and while you're at it.. make one with your lawyer..

ROFLMAO!!!

I second that! clearly she has lost her marbles!
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Old 9th February 2008, 8:57 PM   #8
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Thanks for the chuckle Lizzie

I probably do need talk to a Lawyer as I cannot see any way past these issues, and the resentment I've built these past years is like a giant concrete mountain. I don't know if I could ever get past it.

My biggest problem is that my kids alway want to be with my wife (because she gives them their way about everything). Its always been sort of a competition for the kids affections with her. Its a game I don't care to play. I'm so worried that if I just up and leave (even though our home is on land owned by my father) that they would hate me.

I've really busted my hump these 18 years going from a young father, putting my way through college, getting a decent job, working at everything from computer topography to underground surveying in a coal mine, taking classes, bettering myself... until now I'm a pretty well respected teacher in the county.

All that time my wife was at home raising my kids to be spoiled (in her defense, she was young too and came from a broken home). When I was working 50-60 hours a week, sometimes on night shift, I barely saw my kids. Now that I'm a teacher I see them all the time.
I love them both to death but the truth is the truth, they are spoiled. They are not bad kids, but I don't see how they will ever be able to make it in the world on their own. My daughter is 17 and has no idea how to wash a load of clothes. Neither of them even make their own beds.

If I leave I don't know how they will be raised. I know my wife will love them, and people say love is enough, but those people are wrong!

I just hope that a my wife might listen to a therapist, even though I suspect that a therapist, or counselor, will tell her the same things I've been telling her:

Spend some time alone with your husband

Be your kids mother, not their sister

Let your Son sleep alone!

I have a feeling she will agree totally with the therapist, then promptly come home and change nothing about her behavior. If that is the case I can't see that I have any other choice than to leave.

I'm tired of sleeping alone night after night!
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Old 9th February 2008, 10:01 PM   #9
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You're welcome Archer..

I truly don't think that seeing a therapist will help, if she already has given up on your M, I don't see how he can help.. mind you, he can help YOU go through all this.

Good luck!
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Old 9th February 2008, 10:26 PM   #10
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Archer36

Archer,

Your marriage has been like this for ages.

What makes you think that it can change?

Might as well get used to it by now.

Ariadne
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Old 9th February 2008, 10:41 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Archer36 View Post
I spoken with her about it many times and she says its the only way she feels like she is worth anything (by constantly cleaning and working in the house, vacuuming what doesn't need to be vacuumedn and dusting what doesn't need to be dusted).

She says she doesn't know who she is anymore and that she only feels like "mom".

I'm making an appointment with a therapist...
Maybe she needs to get a JOB outside the home. Part-time, if she can't handle full time. It might show her that she's more than mom - she's a person all on her own.

And it might force your kids to grow up and learn to run the washing machine...
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Old 9th February 2008, 10:46 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Archer36 View Post
there is something that has happened to her in the past that she says she can't tell me about (abuse of some kind?)
The more reason why she should seek therapy. Maybe it will help to talk to a therapist about the things she felt she couldn't tell you.
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Old 21st February 2008, 4:25 PM   #13
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I just wanted to say I appreciated the replies all.

Things are just up and down. We are good for a week then back to not speaking.

My wife is not getting our son to sleep, then coming to lay with me in "our" (my) bed. Thing is, she doesn't speak, or even lay close to me.

Everytime I talk about leaving she cries and says she'll do better. She said that very thing last weekend. Now a week later we are barely speaking.

This week she hasn't:
Kissed me
Hugged me
Asked me how I am
Asked me how my day was

What drives me crazy is when I ask her what the problem is, she always say "Oh nothing at all! I'm not mad about anything"

In her mind there IS no problem.

I wrote her a simple poem to tell her how I feel for Valentines day. She wrote me a very nice letter about how we had too much going for us to throw it all away.

Now I'm back to feeling completely unappreciated and unloved by a woman who cannot seem to express herself at all.

Here is what I wrote her...my wife doesn't seem to appreciate it, maybe someone here will read it and feel better knowing that they are not going through tough times alone.

This year will be the first, when youíre my Valentine no more
Our joy has turned to heartache since love walked out our door
I think of happy times, they way they were before,
But no happiness can be found,
Since love walked out our door.
I think of summer at the beach
When I felt your heart within my reach
So nice to see you smile
If only for a little while
So nice to spend the night holding you
If only for a day or two
How soon it all faded away
So sad we couldnít stay
I think about our precious girl
The day she came into this world
I think about our little boy
The Lord has blessed us with such Joy
Now here I sit after 18 years
This paper covered with my thoughts and tears
I keep waiting for my wife to show
Oh Lord, Please tell me where did she go?
When I look at her I only see
A beautiful stranger looking back at me
She looks like someone I used to know
Where is that girl that used to love me so?
When she looks at me, does she feel the same?
Maybe Iíve changed, Maybe Iím the one to blame
Why do I feel so alone?
What happened to our happy home?
The years have gone by with no one to hold
No warmth in the dark when the night was cold
Iíve been patient; Iíve waited as long as I can
I wonder, why donít you want your man?
I know I couldnít give you all the things that I should
But I worked hard, I did the best I could
I know you did your best too
Growing up wasnít easy for you
That little girl you never go to be
She so loved her new family
But we lost our path along the way
The old us disappeared
And only Mom and Dad got to stay
Those two kids we used to be
Who loved each other so
They just faded away
While we watched our kids grow
These days it seems we canít stay together
I used to think there was nothing we couldnít weather
But I donít think that anymore
Since love walked out our door
I guess the only thing left for us to do
Is go our separate ways
And tear our world in two
No life together for me and you
Weíve tried so hard
Weíve cried and weíve bled
Too much time passed
Too many things said
I pray to God to please make things clearer
He tells me we should look in the mirror
Weíll find the answer weíre searching for
Why love walked out our door.

Last edited by Archer36; 21st February 2008 at 4:28 PM..
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Old 21st February 2008, 4:34 PM   #14
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God I hope everything works out for you, she sounds like she's emotionally crippling your kids. what's next she's gonna take baths with them until he's 13?

Come on the babying gotta end sometime.

She might have mike jackson syndrome.
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Old 21st February 2008, 8:09 PM   #15
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Your wife needs counselling. Something is very "off" inside of her and it has nothing to do with you.

This issue goes beyond her smothering your son. HE will have weird issues as well! I have to ask, but does he want her in bed with him as well or is this her thing.
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