needing support

[base618]

Sorry, this will probably be long. Just found this site, here's my story. Been with my wife for 6 years, married for one (just had anniversary). When we got married, we immediatly decided to have children, but for the past year we have not been able to. We've been to doctors and tried everything. This has destroyed my wife. They cannot find anything wrong with either of us, and that makes it worse. She has been depressed.

 

Then I noticed a change in her behavior, new clothes, going out with her co-workers all the time, and a lot of other stuff that people say are signs of cheating. She went away on a business trip with a co-worker last week, but before she left, she told me that she doesn't know if she loves me anymore, and that our marriage might be over. She wanted her space.

 

She came back from the business trip, and it was awkard. Finally, early Monday morning, I couldn't take it, and I checked her cell phone. She was having an emotional affiar with her co-worker. Messages of "I miss you so much", "can't wait to see you again and give you a big hug", etc. I woke her up and told her to get out. We had a big fight, and she admitted that what she did was wrong.

 

We are going to start counseling tonight. Right now, I'm getting the "I don't know if I love you like 'that' anymore". We have discussions, always civil, and there is definately caring for one another.

 

I am in turmoil right now. I started sleeping in the guest bedroom, mostly because waking up with her in my arms hurt too much (we would go to sleep not cuddling, but would end up together in the am).

 

We've had some soul searching conversations, and she admits that she moves from one relationship to the next without a break in-between (left 1st husband to be with me, I know, should have seen this coming). She says she knows that she needs to change or this will happen in every relationship she has.

 

I just can't believe that 3 weeks ago, we were hoping to be pregnant, and talking about our family to be, and now we seem to be on the path to divorce.

 

I do nothing but read now, and I hear a lot about tough love. I know if I beg, or try to change it will only make things worse, but I could use some advice or encouragement right now. We don't want to tell family or friends what is going on in case things work out. I can't keep all these emotions bottled up anymore.

 

The 6 years we were together, I was always looking for a watch (could never find the 'right' one). For our anniversary, she found me the perfect watch. This morning, as I was leaving for work she came downstairs with it telling me that I forgot it. I told her that it hurt to look at it, that it reminded me how happy she was when she gave it to me, and that it gave me hope, and I wasn't sure if I should be hoping right now. She broke down and cried.

 

I don't know what to do...

[Melovator]

Infertility is a complex issue that raises a lot of emotional issues for women (and for men too!), but that said- you've only been trying for a year? IS that a year of IVF? or have you just reached the point where the dr's are starting to talk about IVF (my understanding is you have to be trying for year before they think you have a problem).

 

Either way my gut says: when she gave you the "I don't know if I love you like 'that'" speech it was because she was PLANNING to sleep with her co-worker and this way she could mitigate her emotional guilt by giving you a 'heads up' about it.

 

Is she still in contact with the co-worker? Or has one of them quit their job?

 

No?

 

She took emotional energy outside of your relationship at a time when it was really necessary that it be put in there (ie seriously contemplating parenthood); is she going to be able to give her emotional energy to your relationship that it needs right now while she is spending most of her waking hours with another man?

 

Stop thinking about her and stop thinking about the golden dream you have of cherubic base618's juniors, it is a dream and that goes for her too right now, she is not the woman you thought she was. Maybe you and who you are because of this can get to know the woman she is because all of this and maybe the two of you can grow through it and become in the future a great parental team, but right now you do not want to be thinking about having babies with her.

 

Babies are hard work- and they do not stop. Any stress that exists in your relationship will only be exacerbated by their presence in it. And to be hoenst that's really not fair to the baby- they are tiny little people who don't get to choose for themselves.

 

Try thinking about yourself and what you really want in life, not just what you thought you wanted, or worse yet what you are willing to settle for.

[Tripper]

I don't know what to do...

 

 

Sorry you have to go through this crapola, base. I've had this happen to me in several relationships over the years.

I think you're doing the right thing in both going to counseling but you may want to consider getting some therapy on your own. I did and it was a big help.

I came to the realization that it wasn't me... just as it isn't you that's creating the situation. It's her.. Your wife needs to figure out what she wants. You unfortunately suffer.

If it were me I would put a time limit on her fence sitting. Say 30 days and it's "fish or cut bait". You deserve better than to be treated like this.

Be thankful you don't have children at this point. They end up as victims...

 

Good luck with what ever happens.

[base618]

Infertility is a complex issue that raises a lot of emotional issues for women (and for men too!), but that said- you've only been trying for a year? IS that a year of IVF? or have you just reached the point where the dr's are starting to talk about IVF (my understanding is you have to be trying for year before they think you have a problem).

 

to be honest, I forget the technical terms for what we've tried. Our insurance covers using the "turkey baster" for lack of a better term. We tried that twice unsuccessfuly, and have one more attempt before the full blown, $25,000 artificial insemination where they put the sperm and egg together before implanting in her. We were just having discussions on how to afford that procedure before it hit the fan.

 

I called my counselor to set up an appointment for myself. I also called my doctor who prescribes my anti-depressant medication telling him I needed a sleep aid, as I don't sleep anymore, and have started dropping weight too quickly.

 

She has been studying for a certification for work for the past few months. The test is in 3 weeks. It does concern me that she is able to concentrate on studying. She says when the test is over, she wants to go away by herself and try to figure things out. This was the plan before I found out about the affair. The part that scares me is that she was planning on putting me through hell for 3-4 weeks, all the while sneaking away to spend time and text her friend at work. I just wonder if she says she wants to work on the marriage because she doesn't want a disruption before her test, and when it's over, she'll leave.