TomArmy Posted June 16, 2007 Share Posted June 16, 2007 Hi everyone I'm a younger person going through a divorce, I guess we just didnt think things through at the time maybe, what we would want five years down the road. Only now we are having a hell of a time splitting up our stuff since we've been living together, and I'm emotionally attached to a bunch of stuff she says she is taking. She wont really listen to reason on this one. I'm guessing a lawyer will have to get involved but does anyone have any advice? Thanks, I can tell you guys have helped a lot fo people! Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted June 16, 2007 Share Posted June 16, 2007 Write everything down...all the property that you're disputing over. Put a dollar value on each item. And then sit down and discuss what you would each want and what you'd be willing to give up. Come to an agreement whereby the dollar amount of the disputed items is equal. Othewise a judge will decide for you. You can always look into getting a mediator. Look in the phone book for one. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted June 16, 2007 Share Posted June 16, 2007 I'm guessing a lawyer will have to get involved but does anyone have any advice? I’m surprised you don’t have one already if your going through a divorce! A legal separation agreement will freeze all assets and property until the two of you or the courts decide how to distribute things equally. Without one, it’ll be a dash-n-grab to the finish with the greediest and fastest winning. If you allow things to go on this way without any sort of legal protection, it will be more difficult to sort out (or prove) what’s missing later on. Anything you owned prior to marriage or was “gifted” to you is YOURS. Anything she owned prior to marriage or was gifted to her is HERS. Anything you acquired together during your marriage is considered “joint” property and is to be distributed equally. As is any shared equity, savings, bank accounts AND dept.. It is not advisable (nor considered legal) to enforce a verbal separation or divorce agreement. It is also not legal to change the locks or deny your spouse’s entry into your home to prevent him/her from continuing to remove property. Which is why it is imperative that you get legal council immediately if you haven’t looked into it already. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted June 16, 2007 Share Posted June 16, 2007 You can always look into getting a mediator.. Depending upon your state laws the court may order mediation. Either way, it could be less expensive than a protracted legal battle over "things." Are you attached to them also or is it simply a matter of wanting to "win?" In my case, after 25 years, I let her have everything except items I'd grown up with as a child and family antiques. None of the rest really mattered and I'd paid to totally refurnish and redecorate the house merely two years before. Ah, well! Easy come. Easy go. It was worth letting the "things" go to be rid of her! Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted June 17, 2007 Share Posted June 17, 2007 Well I suppose it depends on what you're fighting over. Step back and ask yourself why you're emotionally attached to these 'things'. If it's a family heirloom then that's one thing .. otherwise it's just stuff that can be replaced. Also if you're still in the early highly emotionally charged part of separation ... See if you two can take a couple weeks to a month away from each other. Allow emotions to cool a bit and try to negotiate rationally rather than emotionally. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted June 17, 2007 Share Posted June 17, 2007 Hi everyone I'm a younger person going through a divorce, I guess we just didnt think things through at the time maybe, what we would want five years down the road. Only now we are having a hell of a time splitting up our stuff since we've been living together, and I'm emotionally attached to a bunch of stuff she says she is taking. She wont really listen to reason on this one. I'm guessing a lawyer will have to get involved but does anyone have any advice? I'm going to give you my personal take on this and I've been there... It's going to come down to you deciding what you can live with and what you can't live without... I left and ALL I got out of our possessions was mine and my children's clothes, and that was the day I left... But you now what?! I didn't care because I had MY LIFE BACK! Nothing else mattered but starting over with me and my two babies...possessions can be replaced... What I see when people start dividing property is that it is a POWER PLAY...it is a way to still engage the other person... Decide if it is worth it to fight for what you want and go from there...is there enough emotional value in an item to justify fighting for it? Or do you want it just because the OP wants it? Remember, do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 17, 2007 Share Posted June 17, 2007 If you brought these sentimental items into the marriage, they do belong to you. Beyond that, be prepared to give and take. If she's hardlining something, don't forget you can too about something she finds sentimental in value. Overall, I wouldn't recommend that either one of you take a hardline if at all possible. It just needlessly drags out the pain. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted June 17, 2007 Share Posted June 17, 2007 She "says she's taking"? What about what YOU say YOU'RE taking? I agree with TBF, lay claim to several things you know SHE feels sentimental about, so that she sees it goes both ways. Then you'll be in a better position to bargain with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TomArmy Posted June 17, 2007 Author Share Posted June 17, 2007 Thanks, everyone, for your supprt...this has all been really difficult. My S2BX...I got the lingo now...has relented somewhat in her original stubborness although she still claims certain things are hers. I told her I wanted my engagement ring back, as I had bought it, and she woudn't talk to me after that. She just clammed up on my couch (oh, wait, HER couch). So I got the phone book out and started to dial the number of the first local attorney I found. About halfway through my phone conversation she broke down crying. It certainly isn't going to be easy but I'm definetely getting a lawyer, eventhough she says she's mature enough to handle everything without one...I tried to explain that it's not maturity, it's legal expertise, but you know. It's all very strange...she was the one that made the final decision on this divorce but she keeps breaking down while I stay relatively calm (but sad). I wonder if there aren't some deep issues here...there always are, I guess. Thanks again, just reading all the thread in this forum has been really inspiring. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted June 17, 2007 Share Posted June 17, 2007 No offense but asking for the engagement ring back is not right. On what grounds do you feel you have a right to do that? She didn't break the engagement. You did get married. It's her ring. Plain and simple. Don't make this any more difficult than it already is. Link to post Share on other sites
Sheba Posted June 17, 2007 Share Posted June 17, 2007 here are some legal concepts which may not apply in your jurisdiction, but for a "do-it-yourself" division may be helpful. I am repeating some of what has been said, but have tried to organize these comments to show you how easy it can be if people are reasonable. - what was yours when you entered the relationship belongs to you, and what she brought in belongs to her -the engagement ring was a conditional gift and she fulfilled the condition when she married you, so it is hers - gifts from others to one of you belongs to the recipient of that gift - if your parents gave you a set of golf clubs they are YOURS - gifts from others to both of you, gifts you gave to each other and things either or both of you bought during the marriage are "community property" So: Take all of the yours and hers stuff out of the equation and list the community property as Touche suggests then TAKE TURNS - you pick one thing, then she does, then you do then she does, and so on until it is done. Roll dice to see who gets first pick if you need to. This is totally arbitrary and so is fair. Taking turns one item at a time is also fair. Hopefully you will each be kind to the other and allow the other to keep things of special significance. Remember it is all just "stuff" and new stuff can be acquired. Don't get too caught up in dollar values unless they are big. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TomArmy Posted June 18, 2007 Author Share Posted June 18, 2007 I never actually thought I had a legal claim to the ring it was more a demand out fo spite, not too mature I know. Neither of our emotions are in the best of places at the moment. I like your idea sheba and when we both cool down we might try that since getting lawyers fully involved is probably too expensive for us right now, thanks a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted June 20, 2007 Share Posted June 20, 2007 I don't know if this will help, but when we separated, we listed just about every item in the house, room by room. We then asked each other if there was ONE thing each of us HAD to have. Then we went room by room taking turns picking the one thing (or set of things) we wanted such as the sofa/loveseat combo or the coffee tables. Actually, it went more like this: Me: "What do you want from the living room?" Him: "Um...this nice ashtray. YOU take the ugly couch and coffee tables" Me: "OK what about the kitchen. I don't want that ugly table and chairs, YOU take it" Him: "No YOU take the ugly table and chairs and I get to keep the cutlery" :bunny::bunny::bunny: Good Luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Krytellan Posted June 20, 2007 Share Posted June 20, 2007 I never actually thought I had a legal claim to the ring it was more a demand out fo spite, not too mature I know. Neither of our emotions are in the best of places at the moment. I like your idea sheba and when we both cool down we might try that since getting lawyers fully involved is probably too expensive for us right now, thanks a lot. Hey, I just went through the same thing with my ex-wife. She wanted freakin everything. A piece of advice... give up the ring. Though you could possibly get it back, it's not worth it. It won't really be worth much compared to what you paid and it will be useless to you. Let her keep it and let the reminder be hers. My solution was to wait for my ex to meet someone else. It's amazing how willing she was to "give everything up" to "just get it over with" when there's another man in the picture. It served me well, but it sounds your situation isn't like that. Step back, and force yourself to change your mindset. Things are just things... nothing more. When you find yourself saying that you are attached to something, ask yourself how truly attached you are. I have spent the last 10 months with NONE of the marriage property, and after a while, I didn't miss a thing. It's amazing what we can adapt to and do without in time. My biggest frustration was that she even felt the need for lawyers. We were only married for 18 months and barely had many large things. We really could have done what we did with no lawyers and for a lot less money. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted June 20, 2007 Share Posted June 20, 2007 Well I don't know you're financial situation but.... sofa's, chairs, TVs and knicknacks are soo piddly once you start getting to the REAL division. Real estate, automobiles, savings, retirement funds and DEBT!!! Then you start to see how this can affect the next few years of your life. Me, I got stuck with a lot of debt that I now have to pay off by myself.... it was all in my name in the first place. So start looking at the big picture and don't sweat the small stuff. The sooner you see that every penny that came in and left during the marriage counts in most states the better equipped you'll be to control the process. If you have any joint accoiunts spilt them NOW! Educate yourself on the laws in your state regading marital property settlement before she does or her lawyer gets the jump on you. Link to post Share on other sites
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