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Might have an actual chance here, or not?


Second Chances Called it off but doubting the decision now? Someone wants you back? Let us know about it!

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Old 11th January 2018, 4:23 PM   #1
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Might have an actual chance here, or not?

Hi all,


My ex and I broke up in early October. Together for 4 years. I did the typical begging/pleading thing for about 2 months and since stopped. At the end of December I finally collected her key from her and we finally settled all the apartment affairs. She no longer has any obligation to speak to me or see me unless she truly wants to.


She broke up with me because I was a pretty bad boyfriend. I got complacent and became a bit controlling. Also, I had some unresolved issues (mom died) that I really needed to work on. I started counseling immediately when she broke up with me and am still going now (trying to work on other things not involving her). My ex is aware of my counseling and I have apologized about my relationship screw ups.


I think it is important to note that she did rebound to another guy shortly after the BU but that has since stopped (I accidentally found out about the guy, and she later told me she ended it).


Anyway, a while after I stopped the begging/pleading to get back together, I did ask her if it would be possible for us to just hang out like we did before we started dating. This was after a few weeks of NC after the begging. I said it'd be nice if neither of us is rushing into being together, and we're just having fun together. At that time, she said no and that exes don't do that. I did make it clear that I am still attracted to her, so I'm assuming she knows I don't want to only be friends.


A few weeks later of NC, I receive a text from her seemingly out of nowhere. She texts me that she's ready to hang out with me again, but without expectations. I told her that that sounds good, and we could arrange something soon (I was out of town). She texted me a few days later just to talk...


Here are my questions...


1) Should I ask her why she changed her mind all of a sudden, or just play it cool with that? I think I'd like to eventually know...but I'm fairly certain that's a question that may put her off.
2) I'd like to point out that I AM ready to 'walk away' if she insists on being friends only, but I also understand that she will need to warm up to me. Does anyone have experience with slowly warming back up to someone and it actually being successful? I
3) In your opinion, do I have a real reason to be hopeful?




Yes, I do want her back, but I am much less desperate now. My aim is to treat her like someone new that I'm dating, where I don't bring up relationship talk (Corey Wayne type of stuff). Does anyone have any other ideas/insights from something similar?

Thanks!

Last edited by allgoodthings1; 11th January 2018 at 4:29 PM..
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Old 11th January 2018, 5:23 PM   #2
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I don't think there is anything here to indicate that she wants to get back together. She said she wants to hang out with no expectations, which isn't very promising. I suspect she is having a hard time going cold turkey because you were together for 4 years. Even if you were the dumper, it's hard to disengage after that many years together. If you do end up hanging out, you will see that the dynamic has changed.

I don't see why you can't ask her why her mind changed at some point. Now might not be the best time, but, at some point, you need to know. You said you are willing to talk if she doesn't want to rekindle things, which is good. Do you have a timeline? You might want to give yourself an ultimatum (you don't need to tell her) on how long you are willing to wait.
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Old 11th January 2018, 5:49 PM   #3
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I agree that not to expect things happening for the two of you...
You need to go out with other girls and friends. And be honest. She will likely end up with someone else down the road. Are you ready for that? You mentioned CW type behavior challenges. What would he say about this???
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Old 11th January 2018, 5:53 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by allgoodthings1 View Post
Hi all,


Here are my questions...


1) Should I ask her why she changed her mind all of a sudden, or just play it cool with that? I think I'd like to eventually know...but I'm fairly certain that's a question that may put her off.
2) I'd like to point out that I AM ready to 'walk away' if she insists on being friends only, but I also understand that she will need to warm up to me. Does anyone have experience with slowly warming back up to someone and it actually being successful? I
3) In your opinion, do I have a real reason to be hopeful?




Yes, I do want her back, but I am much less desperate now. My aim is to treat her like someone new that I'm dating, where I don't bring up relationship talk (Corey Wayne type of stuff). Does anyone have any other ideas/insights from something similar?

Thanks!
1) I would say no. Play it cool. Be very relaxed when you meet up. Just be your confident calm self. See what it is that she is looking for by her actions. This might not be achievable in one meetup though.

2)If she re-iterates that she wants only friendship, you should walk away. Sadly, you definitely need a warm up period to create re-attraction and show that you have changed for the better. But if she says the dreaded friends only, time to go NC. Save yourself the pain.

3)Not enough info. She wants to hang out. It does not mean she wants to get back together. She could just be lonely, or miss the friendship side of your relationship.
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Old 11th January 2018, 6:06 PM   #5
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My ex(Feels so weird just say that) broke up with me two months ago. We were together for over fours years. So i can relate to your situation I never saw it coming. I thought we'd be together forever. I still don't really know why she end it.
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Old 11th January 2018, 8:39 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by BarbedFenceRider View Post
I agree that not to expect things happening for the two of you...
You need to go out with other girls and friends. And be honest. She will likely end up with someone else down the road. Are you ready for that? You mentioned CW type behavior challenges. What would he say about this???
Not trying to argue you with you, because I know my chances are slim here in actually getting her back. But CW would actually say that I should simply arrange a date with her and assume she's attracted. Hang out, have fun, hook up is what he would say to me. He wouldn't say anything about me worrying about her meeting other guys, not after the ex texted me.

Sorry, not trying to start an argument. I suppose I was just asking to see if anyone had any similar experiences that worked/didn't work for them.
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Old 12th January 2018, 12:25 AM   #7
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I'm in a similar situation, after a much longer period of no contact. I was the dumpee, but he dumped me because of his issues not because of anything I did or because I changed. But he'd lost attraction to me by the end (first he blamed me, then a few months later he said after some time passed he realized it was totally him not me, and explained why). I went NC after he said he was going to work on himself but still only ever wanted to be friends.

We've reconnected, and we now speak every day and hang out frequently. They often seem like dates and no one has said the word friends in almost a year. This has been going on for 3 months. However, he hasn't made a real move, and I haven't asked his intentions. We haven't kissed. I'm at the point where I assume I'm in the friend zone so I'm starting to date other people (even though we don't talk about it). I missed having him in my life and can accept just being friends, so I'm not going back to NC, but in some ways it is exhausting to feel like you're always inching closer to reconciliation but not actually getting anywhere. I think if you can handle it, give yourself a timeline as another poster suggested above, and maybe be okay with keeping your options open with other people unless she gives you very direct signals about being open to reconciliation and not just friendship, you can give it a try... but it's not easy. If you are able to move on instead (even if that means eventually just being friends with her, not necessarily forever NC), me being a dumpee who didn't get a clear "I miss you and want you back, I'm sorry I messed up!" reconnection, I'd recommend that instead. Just because it's easier.

If she's worth it and you don't think you'd regress back to being a bad boyfriend after a honeymoon reconciliation stage, you can meet up without any expectations and see how it goes. Don't pressure her, though, or you'll push her away. CW is trying to say be forward because women may think that's sexy and it may rekindle attraction for you to take charge, but since she broke up with you for being controlling, I'd recommend showing her a lot of respect and making her comfortable. Don't be a doormat but she's got to be in the driver seat for a little bit so that you can rebuild trust. Good luck!
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Old 12th January 2018, 9:37 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by BC1980 View Post
I don't think there is anything here to indicate that she wants to get back together. She said she wants to hang out with no expectations, which isn't very promising. I suspect she is having a hard time going cold turkey because you were together for 4 years. Even if you were the dumper, it's hard to disengage after that many years together. If you do end up hanging out, you will see that the dynamic has changed.

I don't see why you can't ask her why her mind changed at some point. Now might not be the best time, but, at some point, you need to know. You said you are willing to talk if she doesn't want to rekindle things, which is good. Do you have a timeline? You might want to give yourself an ultimatum (you don't need to tell her) on how long you are willing to wait.


I think this is really good advice and a good perspective, even if it's not what I 'want' to hear. The only thing that does kind of give me hope is that she KNOWS that I want to date her and that also when I asked her to hang out without expectations I framed it like how we hung out before we dated (we were NOT friends beforehand).
I will give myself a 'friendzone' ultimatum like you mentioned but will definitely not communicate this to her.


Thanks for the advice.
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Old 27th January 2018, 8:51 AM   #9
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As a woman I wouldn't like to be asked why I changed my mind about hanging out. If she wants to hang out, take it. Don't ask stupid questions. She was with you for 4 years... Coping with your issues. She needed a break from you, dated someone else, and probably found out it wasn't what she expected. Just show her that you are willing to change and overcome your fears and issues. If you can go back to being the man she fell in love with, you got her. But take time and don't rush anything. Be her friend first.

In the other hand if the relationship was VERY abusive, don't get your hopes on.
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