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I might cancel 2nd date with ex.


Second Chances Called it off but doubting the decision now? Someone wants you back? Let us know about it!

Old 6th November 2017, 6:02 PM   #1
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I might cancel 2nd date with ex.

So an ex I dated for a short while about two years ago, broke my heart. I had strong feelings for her, the issue was I still worked next to her 8 hours a day for the next 7 months. Torture. After all that time, she said she wanted to give it another shot. So for a couple weeks we went on a couple dates, but always had an excuse why certain days wouldn't work for her, and had to back out of a few scheduled meet ups. Like the front door mat I was, I constantly allowed her to disrespect my time and be ok. That said, she is a single mom and her kids were her excuse, so of course would never ask someone to choose me over her children, but always seemed able to make time for others.

Anyway, that time actually ended pretty amicably initially, but the day after we decided not to pursue anything further she brought another guy into work she was clearly seeing. I called her out for her behavior and she played innocent saying we weren't dating officially, and that got pretty heated with her accusing me of being too sensitive, and me calling her cold hearted (summed up). It caused me to leave my job, and I went no contact for a year and a half. She consumed my thoughts the first few months, I resorted back to drinking alcohol after being sober for 2 years to deal with the pain. That is definitely not her fault, it was my choice as a way of dealing with those feelings. But up til now there were triggers (songs, cars that looked like hers, etc) that brought me back to thinking of her and it would mess with me the rest of the day. The strange thing is we didnt actually have a great connection, she was just in my mind the epitome of beautiful, and I was always so nervous around her I never felt I was truly myself. I feel 90% of the relationship was lust based for both of us if I'm being truly honest.

Cut to two weeks ago.

I get a text from "that" number I had deleted (but of course memorozed) asking if it was me. My breath stopped, my heart sank, and I put the phone away. The next morning I replied it was, and she gave me a heartfelt apology about how she treated me. After some back and forth she said she wanted to meet up, and a wave of different emotions came over me. After resisting a bit, I said yes. I set it out for a week away to give me a chance to back out. I ended up meeting her, and was shaking due to nervousness, and she was just as beautiful as I remembered. We hung out for about an hour and a half talking, and when we left she hugged, and we kissed. A normal reaction from a person who kissed someone as staggering as her should be pure excitement, but after I got in my car I just said "****!".

Of course that night I set another date for a week out, and between those days we only talked one day. She would say things like "I miss ___ about you" but I never gave in as much as I wanted to say something similar. In fear that this would lead to the same pain, and I truly wanted to see if she had changed. Side note: part of the reason I accepted to meet her in the first place is if it didn't work out, at least I didn't have to go in to work tomorrow and sit 10ft away, and that maybe she had changed.

We were supposed to meet yesterday, and a few hours before the date I texted to confirm, and she said she couldn't as she had her child that day. I thought "here we go", and she said sorry but we should reschedule. I set it for a week from yesterday and she said "Ok I'll see if I can find someone to watch the kids" and that was it.

So, I'm guessing she knew she was going to have her kid yesterday, and she waited for me to text her to cancel. My heart wants to see her again thinking "Maybe this can work", but my brain is saying "Dude...are you kidding?".

I guess why I wrote this is part therapeutic journaling, and part asking am I dumb to have any optimism that rescheduling was a one off? Is this a horrible idea?

It's unfortunate you only get my side of the story so everything written is from my perspective, but my heart just wants this to work so badly and I have no idea why. Ugh. I'm a mess. Thanks for any input or similar experiences
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Old 6th November 2017, 8:08 PM   #2
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You're giving her too much power before she's proven anything to you. If it's giving you anxiety instead of making you happy, you're not ready to try again.

If you can handle exploring if things are different, then move slow and let her take the lead (ie if she has to cancel, she proposes the alternate time for rescheduling, you don't have to be the one to do that). But based on your post, I don't think this will be worth it for you because you're still upset about how things went down before. In which case starting something brand new elsewhere may be a better option.
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Old 7th November 2017, 12:38 AM   #3
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Leave this alone. Read what you just wrote about the relationship. I've been there. She's beautiful to you and you still lust for her. Not good at all because you can't handle just being physical with her. You're too emotional. This will not end well for you IMO if you allow her back just like that. She didn't even have enough respect for you to call you to cancel the date. Your head is telling you what to do. Don't listen to your heart on this one.
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Old 7th November 2017, 10:49 AM   #4
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Appreciate the insight J and...dumbass ...I think you're right. I almost said no to the first date in fear I would end up back where I am now, or worse where I might be a month from now after the "cycle" finishes. I just constantly justify that these thoughts and feelings are worth it at the chance of being with her.

I've read books, listened to days worth of podcasts on this very subject, and all the information in the world couldn't hold me back from just saying no to that first date. I don't know what it is about her. I've dated girls before and since her, and no one turns me into this mess like she can. I think I'll send a nice, but direct message that it was great to catch up, but lets leave it at that and both go on with our lives or something. I don't know. I'm sure I'll spend 10 hours coming up with a two sentence text that I'll over analyze for the next 8 months
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Old 7th November 2017, 10:50 AM   #5
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Accidentally posted twice..Can't delete messages apparently
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Old 7th November 2017, 3:18 PM   #6
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It's ok bro. just feel it all out and move on
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