Terrain Posted May 17, 2017 Share Posted May 17, 2017 My girlfriend of a year recently went out with a girlfriend. They hung out, drank, and went to a grocery store where they met an employee in the bakery department. Anyway, my girlfriends friend gives the guy my girlfriends number. He texts her that night and she actually goes out with him for drinks. End up having sex in the back seat.... She spent the night although she swears they slept on opposite sides of the couch. While I was texting her and her friend... Just to say hey. Her friend covers for her... Says she's there. Although she swears that nothing more happened and she felt sick after... She went back to his apartment next day to talk. Well... Somehow she ended up sleeping on the couch... With him... Opposite sides. Then she took the next day off and hung out with him. She claims she told him how much she loved me and it was a mistake what they did. Her friend told me about it several days later. I flipped. Because I saw a text from the guy saying something inappropriate and her response was anytime"... She said it was some guy from high school. She lied, begged me to stay in the relationship... We live together. She said she did it because I had been ignoring her for so long... She felt unwanted. She's been crying, begging, and she's with me still. Bad idea? Is this second chance worthy? She swears it'll never happen again. Advice? Link to post Share on other sites
CptCodi Posted May 17, 2017 Share Posted May 17, 2017 I gave a girl a second chance who slept with my best friend at the time in the next room over. Long story short, I dodged a bullet by not continuing to date her but I still ended up with a broken heart in the end even after giving her a second chance. Only you can really answer this question though. If you think you guys can get past this, then do it. If not, move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Terrain Posted May 17, 2017 Author Share Posted May 17, 2017 I gave a girl a second chance who slept with my best friend at the time in the next room over. Long story short, I dodged a bullet by not continuing to date her but I still ended up with a broken heart in the end even after giving her a second chance. Only you can really answer this question though. If you think you guys can get past this, then do it. If not, move on. Thank you. I'm just a little bummed that she made it like a two day thing. There was planning... So many times she could have come home or said no. I pay the bills and most of the rent. While I am at work... She takes a day off with no pay to "talk"... I do love her... Said we'd work on it... But everyone I know says to run like hell. I found out. She never confessed but swears she was going to Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted May 17, 2017 Share Posted May 17, 2017 No way. She cheated once and will cheat again. Unless you want to sleep with one eye open the rest of your life and get an STD kick her out now. I love how she blamed you for it too because you ignored her. And nothing else happened. What else could happen after sex???? Everything happened! Can you really look at her knowing she had her legs up in the air with a guy inside of her? That would make me sick and I would never trust her again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Terrain Posted May 17, 2017 Author Share Posted May 17, 2017 No way. She cheated once and will cheat again. Unless you want to sleep with one eye open the rest of your life and get an STD kick her out now. I love how she blamed you for it too because you ignored her. And nothing else happened. What else could happen after sex???? Everything happened! Can you really look at her knowing she had her legs up in the air with a guy inside of her? That would make me sick and I would never trust her again. I hear you brother... It's disgusting. She meets a dude stocking bread and ends up nailing that night. Classy right. She swore that it was once and her two return trips were only to talk. Really? Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted May 17, 2017 Share Posted May 17, 2017 I hear you brother... It's disgusting. She meets a dude stocking bread and ends up nailing that night. Classy right. She swore that it was once and her two return trips were only to talk. Really? Don't take my response as saying this will be easy. Depending on how much you care about her this could be the hardest thing you've ever done. And could have lasting impacts on your future relationships. That said, you really have no choice. She can't help herself and will cheat again. It's who she is - nothing will change that. Women cheat for emotional reasons. A guy can have sex with a girl and have it mean nothing but women don't operate the same way. She was emotionally invested in him more than you and now just regrets it because she was caught. Her emotions have swong the other way (towards you) but it's just a matter of time before she needs external validation again at which point she'll bang the bag boy. I feel for you bro - makes me sick to my stomach. But, there will be a faithful girl in your future - you just need to open the space for her to come in. Learn that you can't ignore a woman (not all will cheat but most will leave if they feel taken for granted) and recognize the signs of a cheater so you can weed them out next time before you get invested. Link to post Share on other sites
frigginlost Posted May 17, 2017 Share Posted May 17, 2017 Tell her you didn't have to say a word, but you in fact did give her a second chance and she used it the following day when she went to his apartment to "talk". Then gauge her reaction. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Terrain Posted May 17, 2017 Author Share Posted May 17, 2017 Tell her you didn't have to say a word, but you in fact did give her a second chance and she used it the following day when she went to his apartment to "talk". Then gauge her reaction. I didn't know anything about her return trips until after the Whole thing was over. She swears it was to talk. That she told him that she felt disgusting about what happened. Then like I said he sent her a text a few days later to which she replied.. Anytime. She said that meant nothing. I'm just having a really hard time. Too many details in my mind. Should have never asked myself about it all... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Terrain Posted June 4, 2017 Author Share Posted June 4, 2017 Now she's talking about marriage and how she'll never hurt me again... What a horrible mistake it was. She cries about it all the time and swears she'll never do it again.... I'm totally torn Link to post Share on other sites
springy Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 He texts her that night and she actually goes out with him for drinks. End up having sex in the back seat.... She spent the night although she swears they slept on opposite sides of the couch. While I was texting her and her friend... Just to say hey. Her friend covers for her... Says she's there. Although she swears that nothing more happened and she felt sick after... She went back to his apartment next day to talk. Well... Somehow she ended up sleeping on the couch... With him... Opposite sides. Then she took the next day off and hung out with him. She claims she told him how much she loved me and it was a mistake what they did. You don't actually believe all this bs...? If you want to keep someone around who can't be trusted I say continue the relationship. I tried to make it work with someone who cheated/lied. I will just say that I will never do it again. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 (edited) - He texts her that night and she actually goes out with him for drinks. - End up having sex in the back seat - She spent the night - She went back to his apartment next day to talk - She ended up sleeping on the couch (right!) - Then she took the next day off and hung out with him That's a total of 6 times that she consciously made a decision to step out of the relationship. This was not A mistake! These were choices. And of course she is going to cry and feed you with dreams. It's the only way to manipulate you into staying. What would the option be -- the bakery guy? You will never be able to trust her again. I tried once and it didn't work. Don't be a fool. Edited June 5, 2017 by Zahara Link to post Share on other sites
Author Terrain Posted June 5, 2017 Author Share Posted June 5, 2017 I left a few things out regarding my behavior that she claims prompted this ****. I've been separated for about 2 years and have lived alone. Current girlfriend was constantly asking me to tell everyone that she lived there, etc. My soon to be ex and I are totally cool but I never said anything... Kept it hidden. I also didn't want her posting pics of us anywhere. She was always very affectionate and for a few months I was totally distant. She said that a big part of the reason she did what she did was because she seriously thought i just didn't care. She also had a close girlfriend telling her I'd never tell anyone, she'd always be a "mistress" etc. So i suppose those are valid reasons? I do love and want to marry this girl so my heart is there. I'm sure what I did played a huge role in what happened.... Link to post Share on other sites
dumbass2 Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 Why didn't she talk to you about her feelings that led her too do what she she did with another man? Did she not care? It's a two way street. Don't start making excuses for her actions. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 I left a few things out regarding my behavior that she claims prompted this ****. I've been separated for about 2 years and have lived alone. Current girlfriend was constantly asking me to tell everyone that she lived there, etc. My soon to be ex and I are totally cool but I never said anything... Kept it hidden. I also didn't want her posting pics of us anywhere. She was always very affectionate and for a few months I was totally distant. She said that a big part of the reason she did what she did was because she seriously thought i just didn't care. She also had a close girlfriend telling her I'd never tell anyone, she'd always be a "mistress" etc. So i suppose those are valid reasons? I do love and want to marry this girl so my heart is there. I'm sure what I did played a huge role in what happened.... No. There is never a reason to cheat. Zero. If she felt that the relationship wasn't giving her what she deserved, then she should have left. Or communicated with you her concerns and then based on the outcome, chose to leave or stay. If that's the way she handles strife, then the next time she's unhappy and unfulfilled, maybe she'll cheat again to get your attention or escape a difficult situation. Cheating to manipulate is another red flag. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Terrain Posted June 5, 2017 Author Share Posted June 5, 2017 Why didn't she talk to you about her feelings that led her too do what she she did with another man? Did she not care? It's a two way street. Don't start making excuses for her actions. She said she tried to talk to me... For weeks... That's kind of true. I remember her asking me several times to talk and I kinda blew her off. It is a two way street. Not excusing her acts but in my heart, while I certainly don't condone her solution, I guess I also need to accept some responsibility Link to post Share on other sites
springy Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 (edited) Right so you're taking some responsibility for her choice to go and cheat on you (apparently several times in a matter of days, even taking off work to be with this guy!), then lie to you about what really went down because you really love her. So then why is she is a secret? Why are you still separated and not divorced. Why are you hiding the one you love so much? Why were you blowing her off and being distant? Sorry but this relationship seems unhealthy and doomed. Edited June 5, 2017 by springy Link to post Share on other sites
Author Terrain Posted June 5, 2017 Author Share Posted June 5, 2017 Right so you're taking some responsibility for her choice to go and cheat on you (apparently several times in a matter of days even taking off work to be with this guy!), then lie to you about what really went down because you really love her. So then why is she is a secret? Why are you still separated and not divorced. Why are you hiding the one you love so much? Why were you blowing her off and being distant? Sorry but this relationship seems unhealthy and doomed. It's all out in the open now. Working on divorce... Ex met her and adores her. I was hesitant only because I did not want my kids to think I was a ****... Link to post Share on other sites
springy Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 All out in the open since when? Her cheating on you? That is her excuse, right? Still standing by my previous post. You weren't showing her enough attention so she went out and screwed some other guy at least three times...classy. You came on to ask if you should stick around but your mind seems to be made up. So, truly, I do hope my prediction is wrong. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
springy Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 What are your ages? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Terrain Posted June 5, 2017 Author Share Posted June 5, 2017 What are your ages? All excellent advice. I didn't know she felt so awful about being "hidden" until after she cheated... She still swears only once. She's 29. I'm 46 Link to post Share on other sites
springy Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 (edited) All excellent advice. I didn't know she felt so awful about being "hidden" until after she cheated... She still swears only once. She's 29. I'm 46 Come on, please...you don't really believe this do you? That is quite the age gap. I am not totally anti age gap, but I would have sworn she was in her early 20s by the way you described her behavior. Is it her youth and hotness that has you blinded and willing to accept these lies? She went to a total stranger's house to boink him just hours after meeting him, stayed the entire night and kept going back for more. The divorce and 'coming out' only happened because she cheated? You are getting a good glimpse of how she's going to handle conflict in the future - with lies, deception, and placing the blame squarely on you and whatever she believes you failed to do for her. I think you are setting yourself up for a good amount of drama if you move forward with this woman. A 29 year woman should be well past this kind of foolishness. Edited June 5, 2017 by springy Link to post Share on other sites
Author Terrain Posted June 5, 2017 Author Share Posted June 5, 2017 Come on, please...you don't really believe this do you? That is quite the age gap. I am not totally anti age gap, but I would have sworn she was in her early 20s by the way you described her behavior. Is it her youth and hotness that has you blinded and willing to accept these lies? She went to a total stranger's house to boink him just hours after meeting him, stayed the entire night and kept going back for more. The divorce and 'coming out' only happened because she cheated? You are getting a good glimpse of how she's going to handle conflict in the future - with lies, deception, and placing the blame squarely on you and whatever she believes you failed to do for her. I think you are setting yourself up for a good amount of drama if you move forward with this woman. A 29 year woman should be well past this kind of foolishness. I agree totally. I'm still conflicted but I know I love her. She made quite the case and admits she ****ed up. Trying to discern between what's true and what are lies is futile. I do believe this was a choice and not a simple... "i was drunk... Ended up in bed... But came home," kind of thing. She claims she simply thought I didn't give a **** but never wants to lose me... Hence not just leaving. Believe me, it's killing me to think of this **** and the visions of her hopping in a back seat gets me nauseous. And staying on the" couch" for two night, driving him to work at 6am.....trust me, I'm torturing myself. Guess I am simply trying to believe that people make mistakes and if our relationship is strong enough I can get past this. Link to post Share on other sites
springy Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 I'm really sorry, I know it's gotta hurt - but I would seriously question the value system of a person in a relationship who so nonchalantly went out and did this. That's a lot to do with a total stranger, continually, willingly. She made the conscious decision to keep going back to him. This woman is not wife material. Those images in your head will be there for a long time. There is no easy getting over this. If your relationship was so strong she would not have went out and did this. You are not innocent - but she doesn't get to use this as an excuse. She should have just left you if she felt unwanted and ignored. Are you supporting her? Does she have a job? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Terrain Posted June 5, 2017 Author Share Posted June 5, 2017 I'm really sorry, I know it's gotta hurt - but I would seriously question the value system of a person in a relationship who so nonchalantly went out and did this. That's a lot to do with a total stranger, continually, willingly. She made the conscious decision to keep going back to him. This woman is not wife material. Those images in your head will be there for a long time. There is no easy getting over this. If your relationship was so strong she would not have went out and did this. You are not innocent - but she doesn't get to use this as an excuse. She should have just left you if she felt unwanted and ignored. Are you supporting her? Does she have a job? We split the rent but would likely have to move in with her parents, or find a friend to move in with. Her half of the rent is less than 1/3 of what a place of her own would be. I pay most bills but she does offer constantly to chip in. I've asked her all the questions I have been asked... She says she did not want to leave me, but felt unloved. She says that she was going to tell me but didn't get a chance. I just don't know..... Ugh Link to post Share on other sites
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