Mixed Messages??

[elovex]

My boyfriend and I broke up about a week ago. Up until then our relationship was basically perfect. We spoke to each other very kindly, he was very romantic towards me. We never really fought or anything. He was very supportive of my goals, and always pushed me to do better. He was also very good at dealing with my anxiety and was incredibly patient every time I had an attack. I helped him with his schoolwork and motivated him to get into the schools that he wanted. It was a very supportive and loving relationship. The only issue I would say that we had was that we had become too comfortable and had fallen into a routine. He is an EMT and I am a nursing student, so we are basically always tired and busy. Our dates went from being extravagant and fun to napping or watching Netflix. On top of this, he recently turned 21 and so he has been going out a lot with his friends while i got left at home alone. I started becoming concerned with how often he was drinking, and this led to the fight that caused us to break up.

 

When we broke up, he simply said that although we love each other, there is not really any excitement any more and that both of us needed some time to work on ourselves. He said he needed time to be young and have fun. He kept kissing me and touching me and we were going back and forth between crying and kissing and telling each other we loved each other until he finally just broke up with me out of nowhere. A few hours later, he texted me saying "I still care about you a lot, this isn't goodbye forever, just for right now". I asked him what he meant, and he said that we both needed to focus on our own goals for right now, but if our paths happened to cross when we were ready to be together, that it could happen again. He also said " people who love each other are never far apart." It has been very hard to move on, as I feel like I have been holding onto this sense of hope that we'll be together again or that he'll change his mind.

 

This has become even more confusing as a few days later, he sent me a long rambling text about how he "thinks he made a mistake" and needs more time to think about it. He told me he almost started crying that day, because he thought of me when he got his assignment that I helped him on back. He just keeps telling me over and over that he needs more time, but I don't know how much longer I can wait. He has not reached out to me since, and I am very confused by all these mixed signals. He also keeps watching my snapchat and instagram stories almost as soon as I post them. I know it's petty to be checking if he sees them, but I can't help myself. On the other hand though, I saw that he had added younger girls on facebook. I am so confused by what he means, as he sends me long texts about how I am the sweetest girl he's ever met and we'll be together someday, but he continues to party and talk to other girls.

 

I still have his house and spare care keys, and he has not asked for them back. I have been NC with him since our breakup, other than telling him that we should talk in person when he texted me. I have class with him tomorrow and I don't know how to act around him or how it will go. What should I do if he tries to approach me? I am so confused by all of these mixed signals and I don't know if I can wait much longer. I just want him to either fight for me back, or tell me it's over so that I can move on.

 

I am still so incredibly upset by the breakup, and am still deeply in love with him. We were very much compatible together and had a great, fun and loving relationship. We simply fell into a routine, which is something that I think can be easily fixed. No matter how much I try to hate him for breaking my heart, I just can't. Every time I think of him, all I can do is smile. It is unbearable to keep waiting for a text or call, or to keep hoping he'll show up at my door. I have been riddled with anxiety and depression since the breakup. I just want him to make his decision, but I know I can't beg or force it.

 

Please help me understand what he means. Is there a chance, and should I keep waiting?

[PegNosePete]

he sends me long texts about how I am the sweetest girl he's ever met and we'll be together someday, but he continues to party and talk to other girls.

All these mixed signals and confusing behaviour are actually really simple when you read this one sentence.

 

He is young, he is 21, he is out with his mates and seeing them get different women every day whilst he goes home to watch Netflix with you in his PJs. You don't mention whether this is his first relationship but he is 21 and you have his house keys so presumably you've been together for a while. He most likely hasn't been with many (or any) other women. He wants to play the field, to sow his wild oats, to do all the things his single mates are doing.

 

But he wants you to wait around and be there for him when he has had enough of the single life. Or if he doesn't find anyone better, he can come back to you. Are you happy to let him go off with other women and then come back to you when he is done? You should NEVER allow yourself to be anyone's backup plan!

 

We simply fell into a routine, which is something that I think can be easily fixed.

From your perspective, maybe. From his perspective...? Not so easy. He wants to experience others, to be young and single and free. What you're proposing -- a return to "going steady" -- is exactly what he doesn't want, I'm afraid.

 

I just want him to make his decision

Sorry to say, he has already made it. In fact he has told it to you. I'm not sure what you're waiting for? He has made it totally clear that your relationship is over. All this "maybe one day" stuff is just to soften the blow for you, and to keep you on the back burner, so that when he tires of the single life he can knock on your door and continue your relationship right where he left off...

 

I have been NC with him since our breakup

Do you know what NC means? Because what you have been with him, is not even CLOSE to NC.

[ExpatInItaly]

I agree with the above; your ex wants to be single and have his fun.

 

At 21, he doesn't want to be committed too seriously yet. It hurts that he's realizing this now, but trust me that it's better he ended this before he had an "oops" on night out at these clubs.

 

He already made his decision, though. He ended it. Don't let him keep you around as Plan B for when the thrill of being a single man playing the field wears off. That's the direction this is heading in if you don't draw some very firm boundaries now.

Edited May 16, 2017 by ExpatInItaly