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Engaged to Dating - thoughts?


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Hey everyone!

 

So my fiance and I broke up in January of this year, it was his call and I was utterly devastated (still am really tbh!) Anyway, his reasons were because 1) everything had moved too fast and he wasn't ready to live together and get married, and 2) he could see how unhappy I was and he thought I should move home back to my friends and family.

 

To explain the second part, we were long distance before and when I moved to the new town to be with him, I was really struggling to settle and meet new people so I was really lonely, and I was aware this was putting lots of pressure on him but at the time I was so miserable I didn't know how to be any different.

 

So, I moved straight home (2 hour drive away). Been back for 4 months. We had a few weeks after the break up of not talking so much, just random check in's here and there. But when I went to go collect my stuff after these (3) weeks, we were both so happy to see each other and had missed each other tons. Since then, we talk every day, facetime most nights and see each other once a fortnight. So we're back together long distance. However, this isn't what I want at all but he isn't ready to live together so we have discussed the possibility of dating... so I'm considering moving back to his town and trying to build a social life there separate from my life with him. I'm thinking a shared house with some girls my own age, etc. I'm 25 and he is 23. He's incredibly independent and I'm not so much, getting better though. We've talked and talked it through and he said he would love to live with me again in the future, but he's scared because we rushed the first time round, he wants to slow it down and do it 'properly'.

 

I'm so terrified of moving my life back there because the break up was soul destroying, I'm scared of getting hurt again. But I do love him so much, and I do know that he loves me back. I've tried dating other people to help ease the pain of being away from him (we had a period of not officially being together, it wasn't cheating plus I didn't sleep/kiss/etc anyone) and I'm just utterly uninterested in anybody else. He can't move because he has a young son in his town.

 

Has anyone got any advice? I don't feel like I can talk to my friends or family about it because they're still furious at him for breaking up with me in the first place as I was so devastated, which I do understand. I need an outsiders opinion really... do you think we can make this work?

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If you move there don't have any expectations of you two living together or getting back together. He has already warned you. Why do you think you can make friends there but not where you are now?

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The too fast thing is an excuse, I think he's only able to manage with you long distance. He can cope with that you see, a phone call here and there and romantic meetings.

 

That's a really very different thing to someone being in his space all the time needing him to be an emotionally accessible partner.

 

Don't move back. Do not.

 

If he wants to be with you it's his turn to make the major life upheaval move this time as he's the one who made you move back. Let this be your guide on how committed he is.

 

You really need to stop making it easy on him to flake out on you and by hanging around in contact and being open to his advances AFTER HE KICKED YOU OUT AND BROKE OFF YOUR ENGAGEMENT you are teaching him that he can treat you like that and you will still be at his beck and call and be willing to drop your whole life for the second time to move to be closer to him. You're basically telling him that he doesn't need to marry you or keep his promises or learn how to be together so he will likely never marry you.

 

I think there is a very strong chance this guy will never be capable of being a proper partner or of actually going through with a wedding. You are both extremely young to be considering marriage, he's barely even out of his teens.

 

My advice would be to tell him you love him but you don't want to be in contact until he's worked out his commitment issues, apologised and is ready to move to be with you - or whatever.

 

And then deleting his numbers and removing him from all social media and get yourself into counselling about appropriate boundaries in relationships, codependency and self esteem.

 

That way you will either get over him and move on or he will step up.

And you will have stopped telling men that you have no self respect so they shouldn't treat you with respect either. I cannot believe you are even considering moving towns a second time. To me that sends a very clear message that he is the most important thing in your life and that the rest of your life isn't worth any respect and thereby you by extension.

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