DaveOr315 Posted April 17, 2017 Share Posted April 17, 2017 Hello. I stumbled onto this page today and I'm hurting hard for advice. Due to the web I've woven, there's a lot I can't talk about with most people openly. So here I am. I'll be the first one to say I haven't done everything by the book and there is a lot I've done wrong, so I'll be open and blunt here. Over a year ago I was in year 3 of my absolute dream job. I worked 30 years of my life to get to where I was and I couldn't be happier. A few months after a devastating break-up, I had this amazingly gorgeous, and incredibly smart woman come on to me. She was everything I could ask for. However, she was my intern and 9 years younger than me. Despite those red flags, and due to the unparalleled levels of attractions I went for it. My rationalization was that due to our work atmosphere that encouraged intra-office dating (President openly cheated on his wife with an employee, both wife and employee worked for the company, other employees openly sleeping with others). We kept our relationship a secret. Right from the get-go the chemistry was through the roof. I had some small reservations due to her just getting out of a 2-year relationship. It was great for about 3 months. During that time we had open and honest conversations about where we were emotionally, our pasts, and what we were going through. During this time she did tell me she had feelings for her ex that she was working through, but I had nothing to worry about. It was about the 4th month i started to notice inconsistencies and that she was likely sneaking around with a person who worked in the building with me who she claimed was "just a close friend". During month 6 she admitted she was having casual sex with that "close friend" and it devastated me. However, I kept the convo very positive and point blank stated I wanted to fix things between us and keep going. She promised to not see him again. A month later I point blank caught her at the friend's house. I ripped into her with nasty, nasty texts and fired her. The next night at the end of the year party I saw her slip outside with the friend so I followed. Myself and the friend got into a drunken pushing and shoving match that I initiated. The next week resulted in A LOT of nasty and mean text fights. I was apologetic and took the blame for everything, letting her off the hook, in an attempt to fix things. Two weeks later she texted me all depressed saying I was her best friend, that she missed me, but didn't want to see me, etc. A couple days later I left a handwritten apology letter, a thumb drive with our songs, and flowers. Somehow this was the worse move I could have made. She and her friends told me to point blank leave her alone. So I did. In that time she had medical problems and moved home (approximately 3 hours away). A month after last contact she unexpectedly reached out with good news under the guise of "I just really wanted to tell you. I don't know why." After some small talk we didn't connect again for weeks. Same thing, she initiated, small talk. etc. Eventually she moved back to my city for her own reasons. We had started talking through text more and more with her saying "despite all of our troubles you're still my best friend." So i took a swing. I asked to be more, to get back on track. She replied that despite having intense feelings for me still that she was still friends with the guy I caught her with and that she wasn't going to get involved with either of us because it ended badly for all of us. Despite that, she would keep texting me and we kept getting closer and closer. Or so i thought. She was not my intern any more so I helped get her a job, or use my employee perks for her benefit, etc. Finally, I sent a hail mary. An extremely long text detailing how I wanted my best friend back, how I missed our real connection, and to give me a legit chance to make it right. She shot it down and said she was happy alone for the first time in forever and didn't want to jeopardize that. I did what I felt was right, and asked her to leave me alone for good. Cut off all social media, praised her, told her I loved her and wanted the best for her but I couldn't do this anymore and I felt I was being used. Three weeks after I sent that text I am suddenly fired from my dream job and arrested. This girl claimed that I had attempted to harm her car, but actually did no damage. She was given an order of protection for the time being. I'll spare you the long details but in court I won the case and the judge immediately through out the arrest, orders of protection, everything. I was clean, however I did not get my job back. My job was pretty high profile in our small city so the situation was quickly the talk of the town. Now that I've been cleared there is a small bit of groups that have been vocally unhappy that I am not back at my job. Admittedly, I did do a helluva job but my reputation is now tarnished as rumors spread and gain untrue elements - basically the phone game. I don't think I'll ever work in my specific industry again. Concurrently with all of that, the girl my boss cheated on and left his wife for, is my ex's best friend. And now my ex has been doing some details of my job and hanging out with my old coworkers. It looks very likely that she is going to be hired by my old company. It has been five months since I lost my job, and 3 since I won the court case. I haven't heard from her and I haven't reached out to her. Despite the hell she's put me through I can't stop thinking about her and how to get her attention. I know she hates me, but it doesn't stop me from envisioning a way to try to talk things out. My life is in ruins, in every way, shape, and form and yet....she's on my mind. HELP?!? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 17, 2017 Share Posted April 17, 2017 As a result of your ill conceived decision to get involved with her you were fired & arrested. I can't understand why you are still pining for her. Perhaps therapy is in order. You have way bigger fish to fry like getting a new job & rebuilding your reputation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
springy Posted April 17, 2017 Share Posted April 17, 2017 How is your job search going? Maybe it's time to consider an entirely new environment and never ever dating a coworker again...ever! Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 17, 2017 Share Posted April 17, 2017 You really need to stay away from this girl. Look at the cost to you - how on earth is she worth it? She never even wanted to be your girlfriend. Get your life back together. Get help for what appear to be anger and impulse-control issues. (ie. following her, engaging in shoving matches) May I ask how old you are? I don't mean to be harsh, but it sounds like you very much need to do some maturing. She isn't interested in you the way you are in her. You're going to have to let this one go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DaveOr315 Posted April 17, 2017 Author Share Posted April 17, 2017 Not very good. The job I had was very specialized and a very small industry. The fact my arrest was in the news and first thing that comes up on a Google search (small city) I think has crippled me for good. Despite being proven completely innocent, I'm not very positive I will ever work in the field I was in. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DaveOr315 Posted April 17, 2017 Author Share Posted April 17, 2017 I'm 30. And yes, I agree. Thanks for the tough love words. I'm trying, and can't get over her. I haven't had problems in the past getting over people. Guess it's good she hasn't reached out first this time. Blah. Link to post Share on other sites
EmilyJane Posted April 17, 2017 Share Posted April 17, 2017 Focus on the job stuff. Not the relationship stuff. This company is toxic. Most of the industry will already know it is. Hire a lawyer. Now. Then a career consultant. And look at jobs on your industry in other states and countries. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted April 17, 2017 Share Posted April 17, 2017 Aye aye.... You FIRED her for being pissed about your romantic issues.... With your subordinate that you started a sexual relationship with. Gees buddy, certainly made a series of poor choices huh? I am going to be harsh and say irregardless of the outcome of your court case, any company would have just cause to be extremely cautious about hiring someone who has shown the ability to be so unprofessional and abuse power. Fired her?! You are lucky that wasn't your first court case. Can you retrain for another field? Find a position that doesn't have so much publicly? Forget the girl - you need to figure out how to put your life back together. And like others have said, counseling for some tools to have some impulse control. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
curiouslysearching Posted April 18, 2017 Share Posted April 18, 2017 wow that was a an eye full to read it goes without saying that you simply should not date someone you work with that you are in a position of authority over.... if she is seeing someone else behind your back why do you want her in the first place??? I don't get that at all Link to post Share on other sites
Author DaveOr315 Posted April 18, 2017 Author Share Posted April 18, 2017 Focus on the job stuff. Not the relationship stuff. This company is toxic. Most of the industry will already know it is. Hire a lawyer. Now. Then a career consultant. And look at jobs on your industry in other states and countries. I have a lawyer who claims I have nowhere to go after this unless my boss hires her for my exact job. I am looking all over. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DaveOr315 Posted April 18, 2017 Author Share Posted April 18, 2017 Aye aye.... You FIRED her for being pissed about your romantic issues.... With your subordinate that you started a sexual relationship with. Gees buddy, certainly made a series of poor choices huh? I am going to be harsh and say irregardless of the outcome of your court case, any company would have just cause to be extremely cautious about hiring someone who has shown the ability to be so unprofessional and abuse power. Fired her?! You are lucky that wasn't your first court case. Can you retrain for another field? Find a position that doesn't have so much publicly? Forget the girl - you need to figure out how to put your life back together. And like others have said, counseling for some tools to have some impulse control. I did "fire" her but it wasn't that harsh. It was the last week of her internship. I still have her the highest Mark on her internship grade for the class. Regardless of that, you're right. I did 100% make a series of wrong choices. Fortunately/unfortunately for me the only public information in the industry was that I was arrested - no details. It's slowly circulated that I was cleared but the full story isn't out there and good news doesn't travel as fast as bad gossip does. You're right about the counseling stuff. I didn't think of that. I will be checking into that tomorrow. I appreciate the helpful suggestions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DaveOr315 Posted April 18, 2017 Author Share Posted April 18, 2017 wow that was a an eye full to read it goes without saying that you simply should not date someone you work with that you are in a position of authority over.... if she is seeing someone else behind your back why do you want her in the first place??? I don't get that at all ...I don't know. Logically, I know I'm wrong for thinking anything positive about her. But yet, I do. It sucks all around. Head vs. Heart bull crap that I can't get past. Link to post Share on other sites
EmilyJane Posted April 18, 2017 Share Posted April 18, 2017 I have a lawyer who claims I have nowhere to go after this unless my boss hires her for my exact job. I am looking all over. Get another one. And a career consultant. And counselling. Link to post Share on other sites
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