What is going on with this guy?

[skullkid94]

Warning: This will be long, but I feel like it requires some background for an accurate opinion.

So this guy, I'll call him Barney, has been one of my best friends for like 6 years. Most of this time I had a thing for him, and to hear him tell it, he had a thing for me too. So this all came out and we became a thing. He even moved me out to Hawaii with him. And things were great. Completely, unbelievably great. Then one day out of the blue, he dumped me. He wouldn't give a clear reason. He said he was depressed, or he didn't feel the same, or he just didn't want a relationship with anyone.

 

This was completely unexpected, and I was heartbroken. We weren't together anymore so obviously I was going to move out and probably go back home. Buuut he asked me to stay repeatedly. I didn't really have anything to go back to and he said he wanted us to try to be friends again eventually. So I stayed, but I was still miserable and hurt and pissed so we didn't talk or make eye contact. We basically stayed as far from each other as possible. I hated him, but at the same time we were best friends at one time and I felt conflicted about continuing to ignore him. Eventually became civil and even friendly with each other, with a touch of awkward.

 

At some point, we decided to start sleeping together. We were still sharing a bed anyway until we could make some more space. And I do not want to hear "you should have more respect for yourself" or "he's just using you for sex" (that's kinda the idea!). Go somewhere else if you want to preach please. This too was a little more awkward than it used to be, especially since we had some unspoken boundaries, no kissing, no cuddling, only when room mates aren't home, etc. This went on and slowly our friendship started to be a little less tense.

 

Fast forward a few months, and our extra room is finished. So Barney gets his own room. We're doing great. Getting along. It's like nothing ever changed. We tell each other everything, spend a lot of our time together, support each other, cook for each other, and so on. The second night he has this new space all to himself, he texts me and asks me to sneak over (our room mates don't know what we've been up to and we plan to keep it that way). But when the fun is done, he asks me to stay instead of going back to my room. Weird, but I wanna know what he's up and I'm also a little buzzed and tires, so I stay. All night he's all over me. Arms wrapped around, pulling me up on his chest, there wasn't a moment without physical contact, which was WAY out of the ordinary. A few weeks prior he even freaked on me because my leg touched him while I was sleeping and he thought I was the one trying to cuddle. I asked about it the next day, and he says its comforting for both of us so why not.I figured it couldn't be much worse than what we're already doing.

 

The sleepovers become more frequent, and now he's even decided kissing is ok when things get loud. The night before last after we fell asleep he kept waking me up to kiss me in a very romantic way and nothing else. Like three times. The next evening he looked like crap, and I mentioned he was probably so tired because he kept waking up all night. I told him I knew he was up because he was waking me up ( I didn't mention the kissing). He swears he never woke up. Wtf? I don't see any reason for him to lie, but how the hell do you kiss someone in your sleep? He sleep talks, but kissing is a different ball field. Is that even possible? And if it is what does it even mean?

 

That tiny bit aside, what is his deal? Why does he keep making things more and more intimate between us? And to be so hot and cold about it? Am I delusional, or is something really weird going on here? What could possibly be going on in his head?

[Bejangled]

Why does he keep making things more and more intimate between us? And to be so hot and cold about it? Am I delusional, or is something really weird going on here? What could possibly be going on in his head?

 

Hi skullkid94

 

So, he has already made it clear that he doesn't feel the same about you and that he's not into having a relationship...so why does he call you for sex?....answer? - because he wants sex and he knows you'll come ready and willing. It's really as simple as that. Your confusion is coming from trying to see 'motives' and 'hidden messages'....but, really, from what you've explained, this is just a booty call with a good pal in his eyes.

 

Why does he kiss you? Probably because he's happy that you've accepted your new role as f____ buddy and he can let down his guard without having to deal with you asking for more. This doesn't make him a bad guy, afterall, he has made it clear to you before that he doesn't want more.

 

Maybe this is okay with you? I certainly won't judge. Only you can decide if this is good enough for you. Honestly though, I think you deserve someone who loves you wholeheartedly and without any tricky conditions.

 

I wish you luck.

[EmilyJane]

I don't actually agree with the above poster.

 

I don't think that's necessarily what is happening.

 

Mostly because of one key thing.

 

You mention he has depression. I am assuming you are intelligent enough to know that people grossly misuse that word to mean pretty much anything that isn't 100% super awesome and you mean he has actually been diagnosed medically with depression.

 

People who suffer from it have a terrible time being consistent in relationships. When the mood disorder hits a certain point while in a relationship and they get the extreme self worthlessness and apathy and anhedonia - a lot don't seem to have the self awareness that their mood has changed in general, they just know that they aren't feeling as good in the relationship. Therefore fix feeling bad by exiting relationship. Very typical depressed male logic.

 

There's often other stuff mixed in, not feeling good enough to deserve the partner, not feeling capable of being the partner they deserve etc etc.

 

Because it's pretty clear he's still into you just not wanting to commit or get hurt. Again, I've found that avoiding commitment to others thing to be pretty typical extension of the common depression thing of avoiding responsibilities. Too much emotional demands feels like overload and often they just plain need to shut down at random points but can't handle the guilt from letting others down by not keeping plans or whatever with them so they just cease things where others have a right to expect things of them.

 

The thing is this situation with him is totally not maintainable, I think you might really want him to love you and want to be with you properly. But you know you've let stuff get so blurry it's less likely he will, even tho his emotions are obviously increasing his attachment to you from all the intimacy.

 

As to the sleep kissing. I think you made a mistake bringing it up. If you'd said nothing at all you would have had your answer in the next couple of night time visits when he did it again more boldly. He clearly was testing the waters I think to see how it went down without having to make his motives clear. He totally denied it when you called attention to it because he's not ready to have the emotional romantic stuff out on the table like a promise.

 

That said, my ex does all sorts of stuff in his sleep thst he never remembers conversations cuddles kisses. Before I twigged thst sleep and awake him were two different people and made sure I woke him up with... stuff I shouldn't mention in the general forum but was his favourite way to wake up... I'm even pretty sure we had sex a bunch of times.

 

It's weird but he seems totally awake just sleepy, he just has no memory because his brain must still be in asleep waves. He's a much better heavier sleeper than anyone I've met so that might be it.

 

Ex does also suffer depression.

 

Anyway, give it time and chill out on pushing him and he'll be pushing those boundaries back to basically being your boyfriend with no actual commitment.

 

It's a risky strategy but cheers to you and I hope you get your man.

Edited April 15, 2017 by EmilyJane

[skullkid94]

He's not clinically diagnosed, but he believes he should be. He refuses to see anyone because he's in the military and he doesn't want to be discharged yet.

 

I realize there's no guaranteed path, but should I stop questioning his motives and let this play out hoping for the best? Or cut it off and see if he'll talk about it then?

[spiderowl]

He has pushed you away and then is deciding to pull you close again, without any of the 'markers' of commitment. Maybe he feels more comfortable like this. Basically though, you love him and want him to love you. If he carries on like this, with no commitment on his part and having you on a string whenever he wants it, he does not have to do anything else. Why commit to someone when you have already got them?

 

 

It sounds as though he wants you with him (at night anyway) but bear in mind that guys will kiss and cuddle even if they are not thinking long term. I have heard of people who do things in their sleep because they are in a dream state, so it is possible he is not aware of some of his actions. However, it does sound weird and I can imagine it is really messing with your head. You do not have to put up with this guy manipulating you with a push/pull relationship. They can be very attractive because you go from high to low and then to high again, but ultimately they are harmful because the lows are hell.

 

 

If this guys likes you as much as he seems to be expressing, then if you pull away and refuse to let him pull your strings without expressing his love and affection overtly, he will move towards you. Quite simply, he will not want to lose you. If he does want to lose you, you never had his love in the first place.

[EmilyJane]

He has pushed you away and then is deciding to pull you close again, without any of the 'markers' of commitment. Maybe he feels more comfortable like this. Basically though, you love him and want him to love you. If he carries on like this, with no commitment on his part and having you on a string whenever he wants it, he does not have to do anything else. Why commit to someone when you have already got them?

 

 

It sounds as though he wants you with him (at night anyway) but bear in mind that guys will kiss and cuddle even if they are not thinking long term. I have heard of people who do things in their sleep because they are in a dream state, so it is possible he is not aware of some of his actions. However, it does sound weird and I can imagine it is really messing with your head. You do not have to put up with this guy manipulating you with a push/pull relationship. They can be very attractive because you go from high to low and then to high again, but ultimately they are harmful because the lows are hell.

 

 

If this guys likes you as much as he seems to be expressing, then if you pull away and refuse to let him pull your strings without expressing his love and affection overtly, he will move towards you. Quite simply, he will not want to lose you. If he does want to lose you, you never had his love in the first place.

 

 

This. The last paragraph.

 

Be firm with yourself about what you want.

 

If you want love and to get back together then stop giving him the milk for free.

Because it will do your head in and make you miserable.

 

No strings sex rarely leads to commitment.