My abusive boyfriend

[Samantha0808]

I have been in a relation with my boyfriend for a year now and we live together. We have a lot of issues between us and we tried to give our relation a new chance after every fight. I have a problem with him not being financially stable. What he does always is play video games. He owes me money on rent and house expenses which amounts to 1200 dollars. He wasn't like this before. I don't expect him to take me out or spend on me. All I want is him to be more focused, apply for better jobs and watch his spending. When he had only 10 bucks in his pocket he spent it on cigarette and took 50 from me for his food. He had problems with me not having enough sex with him, not spending time with him and me talking to my ex (though me and my ex are only friends and there is nothing going on). Since I wanted things to work, I pleased him every way possible and stopped talking to my ex. He was happy. But when I ask him about applying for jobs, he would say 'Yes I will'. And I don't honestly see any efforts. He complaints that I annoy him all the time asking about him applying for a better job. I clearly don't want my boyfriend to be financially dependent on me. Whenever we have an argument, he calls me 'f***ng b**tch or other abusive words. Lately we had a huge fight and I told him that he lives on my money. He got so annoyed and gave me a tight slap on my face. Whenever we had arguments before he has choked me, dragged me from bed to the floor, pushed against the wall, threw water on my face etc. He feels sorry for hurting me and he apologizes later, but he keeps on blaming me for provoking. He says I am the reason for him to hit me. I don't use bad words or I can't even fight back. After every fight, I start missing him and then we make things fine. But again the next time, I gotta deal with his abuses. But I still do love him so much, because he loves me too. Whenever we don't fight, he is a very loving and caring person. He has taken me out initially a lot of times, I don't deny that. I always knew that he is not well settled, even when we started dating. But I wanted him to put in efforts, more organized and be focused in life.

After this incident he is behind me apologizing and asking to make things fine. I don't know what to do. I would have provoked him, but I always feel that he doesn't let me put across my point and behaves as if everything he says is right. He behaves like a string dictator who suppresses the other person with his power when we argue. I get scared seeing the way he behaves out of anger. I agree that I get angry and shout and scream, but I don't get physical. Please help me.

Edited April 7, 2017 by Samantha0808

[d0nnivain]

We can't help you. You have to help yourself by breaking up with him.

 

 

This man does NOT love you. He hits you. He physically drags you around & he mooches off you.

 

 

Your future looks like this: Happy & great if you leave him or you working two jobs to support his lazy ass & coming home to get the snot beat out of you for not having his dinner on the table. You pick.

[SpecialJ]

Research a support network or domestic abuse center for advice on how to break up. If he's been that violent in the past, who knows what he might try to do if you leave (but don't use that as an excuse not to leave, because he will get worse not better over time).

[Downtown]

Samantha, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational anger, controlling behavior, temper tantrums, verbal and physical abuse, lack of impulse control, black-white thinking, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your BF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he may exhibit strong traits of it or another PD.

 

He got so annoyed and gave me a tight slap on my face.... he has choked me, dragged me from bed to the floor, pushed against the wall, threw water on my face etc.

If your BF is a BPDer, he carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that TRIGGERS a release of anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in only ten seconds. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.

 

For these reasons, the physical abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have full-blown BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between violence and BPD.

 

He keeps on blaming me for provoking. He says I am the reason for him to hit me.

If he is a narcissist or sociopath, he likely is manipulating you by outright lying -- falsely claiming that you are to blame. Yet, if he is a BPDer (i.e., exhibits strong and persistent BPD traits), he likely is not lying. Instead, he probably believes the outrageous allegations coming out of his mouth. A BPDer's perception of you is dictated by how he is feeling about you at this moment in time. Because those feelings are very intense, he is convinced they MUST be true. And, a week later when he is claiming the exact opposite, he likely will believe that nonsense to be true too.

 

Whenever we don't fight, he is a very loving and caring person.

If he is a BPDer, he will exhibit rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you). This behavior arises from "black-white thinking." It occurs because a BPDer is too immature to be able to handle strong mixed feelings, ambiguities, uncertainties, and other gray areas of interpersonal relationships. Hence, like a young child, he will categorize everyone close to him as "all good" (i.e., "white" or "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "black" or "against me"). And he will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action.

 

The result is that, while a BPDer is splitting you white, he will exhibit the side of him that is "very loving and caring," as you say. And, while he is splitting you black, he will be abusive. Significantly, his feelings of love and anger toward you are always there in his mind. They do not vanish. Rather, what happens is that his subconscious mind puts the conflicting feeling (e.g., love) far out of reach of his conscious mind.

 

In this way, his subconscious works 24/7 to protect his conscious mind from seeing too much of reality -- i.e., to keep it from having to deal with two strong conflicting feelings at the same time. This is why a BPDer can seem to completely fall out of love as quickly as flipping a switch. And the love may seem to return just as quickly.

 

I don't know what to do.

I agree with Donnivain and SpecialJ that you should breakup with your BF. If you are reluctant to do this, however, I would suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with. That will give you an opportunity to discuss these BPD warning signs with a professional.

 

I caution that learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your BF's issues. Although these symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a painful situation, e.g., avoid remaining in this toxic relationship or, if you leave, avoid running into the arms of another man just like him.

 

I also caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your BF exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as strong verbal abuse, blaming all mistakes on you, temper tantrums, and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

 

I therefore suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar, If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Samantha.

[Simple Logic]

I have been in a relation with my boyfriend for a year now and we live together. We have a lot of issues between us and we tried to give our relation a new chance after every fight. I have a problem with him not being financially stable. What he does always is play video games. He owes me money on rent and house expenses which amounts to 1200 dollars. He wasn't like this before. I don't expect him to take me out or spend on me. All I want is him to be more focused, apply for better jobs and watch his spending. When he had only 10 bucks in his pocket he spent it on cigarette and took 50 from me for his food. He had problems with me not having enough sex with him, not spending time with him and me talking to my ex (though me and my ex are only friends and there is nothing going on). Since I wanted things to work, I pleased him every way possible and stopped talking to my ex. He was happy. But when I ask him about applying for jobs, he would say 'Yes I will'. And I don't honestly see any efforts. He complaints that I annoy him all the time asking about him applying for a better job. I clearly don't want my boyfriend to be financially dependent on me. Whenever we have an argument, he calls me 'f***ng b**tch or other abusive words. Lately we had a huge fight and I told him that he lives on my money. He got so annoyed and gave me a tight slap on my face. Whenever we had arguments before he has choked me, dragged me from bed to the floor, pushed against the wall, threw water on my face etc. He feels sorry for hurting me and he apologizes later, but he keeps on blaming me for provoking. He says I am the reason for him to hit me. I don't use bad words or I can't even fight back. After every fight, I start missing him and then we make things fine. But again the next time, I gotta deal with his abuses. But I still do love him so much, because he loves me too. Whenever we don't fight, he is a very loving and caring person. He has taken me out initially a lot of times, I don't deny that. I always knew that he is not well settled, even when we started dating. But I wanted him to put in efforts, more organized and be focused in life.

After this incident he is behind me apologizing and asking to make things fine. I don't know what to do. I would have provoked him, but I always feel that he doesn't let me put across my point and behaves as if everything he says is right. He behaves like a string dictator who suppresses the other person with his power when we argue. I get scared seeing the way he behaves out of anger. I agree that I get angry and shout and scream, but I don't get physical. Please help me.

 

The next time he leaves the home for a couple hours, I would pack some stuff and be gone when he returns. I would then get your phone number changed. When you return to get the rest ofvyour stuff, arrange a police officer to meet you there.

[Altair0770]

First - tell your father so he can go beat his sorry ass

 

Second - leave him FOREVER and find a new man that will respect you and treat you right.