So many chances, but now he changed..?

[coffee1lover]

I have a long, complicated, messy history with my ex bf. We have dated for about 5.5 years with brief periods of breaking up or having no communication.

 

The relationship as a whole was abusive mostly emotionally/mentally but there were a handful of physically abusive situations. The most recent physical situation was 1.5 years ago. In the past he was always contacting other girls and acting very single and ignoring the existence of our relationship in front of others. Over the course of our relationship, when he broke up with me I slept with 3 other guys (each a separate instance during a different break up)

 

During our last break up - July 2016 - I moved out of his house (I loved there for 1.5 months) and moved in with a coworker. I had the roughest time, I was depressed and we barely talked unless he reached out to me to find out how I was, tell me how happy he was we broke up and how happy he is without me etc. It was really negative contact.

 

I met a new guy who was so sweet and treated me so nice. As soon as my ex found out i was dating someone he switched up and first called me a cheater/liar etc and insisted we get back together. That he loved me and he was sorry.

 

I agreed to see him and talk to him repeatedly while I was dating this new guy and i kept feeling more and more guilty about it. So I went to my ex and I said look - I do want to be with you but you have a lot of work to do and I really want to have this experience dating this guy and learn about what its like to be myself without you. He wouldnt have it, he kept pushing and pushing and then fighting with me and calling me names until i would cry and break down. He kept blocking me on social media and text and unblocking me in a vicious cycle.

 

Then he finally agreed to go to couples therapy. I could see some changes in his behavior but it was still too erratic.

 

I had planned a trip to go visit the guy I was dating at the time and had to tell my ex i couldnt go to therapy that week. So we had a huge fight, he wrote me very long horrible emails while i was on my trip and i returned home. He contacted me about a week later and told me he was dating someone new.

 

Then I got really jealous and suspicious of how he could have done that so fast, but then he started to tell me a lot of details about her and compare her to me. She was more fun, relaxed, she was better at sex. She likes to smoke weed and they laugh a lot together etc. I kept feeling worse and worse about myself and like she was replacing me when he promised that no one could.

 

My ex suggested we take a weekend in NYC together before the guy I was dating returned to the state. I agreed and we had such a romantic, lovely time together. I realized that we could make this work and I told him that. But then he said "nah" he needs more time with this girl. That morning we left NYC he drove to his house, hung out with her and had sex with her twice then called me to tell me about it and how much it taught him how much he really loves me and how she is just a fun experience for him that I should let him have.

 

A month and a half passses and he gets more and more involved with her, lying a lot to me, going back on his word/promises and being very distant and disrespectful. He is making demands that i dump the guy that I am with or the girl he is with will stay around for good. We have a fight and he goes on a trip with his friends and we dont talk for 8 days.

 

Then we talk again and he is cold. Telling me he was already starting to forget me and have the girl he is with to replace me for good. Somehow I talk to him some more and he agrees that he wants to meet him one day for coffee and I feel like we have a really good conversation. I tell him about the way I want to be treated and how I want to feel in a relationship that him and I can have in the future. And he agrees and we say okay we will be together one day in the future and stop hurting eachother.

 

Then not hours later, he tells me no. I have to dump the guy I am with right now and he will dump the girl he is with. Because my ex was moving to LA for a job and he wanted us to be together before he left cause time was running out.

 

I told him no. I was not ready for that and did not want to hurt the guy i was dating cause i really liked him. My ex kept insisting, then got angry and said if i didnt do it now then him and I were over for good and he wouldnt talk to me anymore. Forever.

 

Naturally I panicked. and started to make excuses to not see the guy I was dating just to appease my ex. My ex broke up with the girl he was dating and kept demanding more and more that I do the same thing.

 

Then I went out with my ex and his cousins two days before my ex was going to leave and we had a great time. Some of the thing that would have caused fights and abuse before were no longer handled the same way. I found that to be progress like he started to change. He still was rude and mean but not in the same intensity as before. for example he was driving recklessly and I told him to stop because I was scared and he told me "shut the **** up and have fun or im gonna pull over. do you want that? if not, get with the program and be fun". Or if i didnt want to have sex he would say "I knew i shouldnt have broken up with the girl i dated cause at least she was good at sex and knew how to have fun".. which is actually a huge improvement from what it used to be like cause there was no screaming or yelling or crying.

 

however, I had made plans to see the guy i was dating the next day. My ex knew and had no problem with it until the next day. So he demanded that I cancel or lose him for good. Naturally I was afraid to lose him so I told the guy "I cant come cause I dont feel well and because I need to talk to you about somethings. I've been talking to my ex again about having a future together and I feel really guilty and confused about it"

 

The guy got mad (of course) but said I could have a week to think and then him and I could talk about it. He was willing to give me space - even despite the horrible reason why i needed the space.

 

My ex flew to LA thinking that I ended things for good with the guy. Now my ex has been pushing and pushing for me to quit my job and move to LA to support him. He says that if I dont then him and I will lose touch because he will become too busy.

 

I feel suffocated, pushed around and like my ex does not allow me to be my own person/make my own decisions etc.

 

All I really want from him is space to figure myself out but my ex is never willing to give me that.

 

right now I need to make a decision, stay with the guy i was dating who is so sweet and respectful and not a long term option (b/c he is here on a visa), be with my ex who is in LA and pushing me to move, or just block both of them and try and figure myself out...

 

Ive been thinking about this all week and i dont know what to do. I am very conflicted.

Edited April 6, 2017 by coffee1lover

[Zahara]

Both of you are equally toxic people. I suggest you read your thread again and if it were something written by your sister, daughter or friend -- what would you say to them? Now apply that advice to yourself. There are red flags slapping you all over the place but you are absolutely blinded.

 

Stay away from the sweet guy. Stay away from the ex. Get yourself sorted. You're in no position to be having a relationship with anyone at this point.

 

Your ex is an abuser. He will not change. You on the other hand need to stay single and work on your self-esteem. You seem to be dependent on these men, clinging and bouncing between the two, both unable to give you any sort of stability.

[coffee1lover]

thank you for the honest feedback.

 

Ive realized I tie my worth to my ex and that I am afraid he will become successful without me. He is also my first love and first sexual experience and we've spent ages 20-25 together.

 

I have recognized the toxicity and I am seeing a therapist to work through that and my own issues of shame. Recently though my ex has been trying so hard to change and treat me better, communicate better and include me. I am hesitant to throw that away.

 

The sweet guy made everything fun, and I felt like I could be me.

 

Either way, I do need to sort myself out, alone, you are right.

 

Thanks for reading.

[Zahara]

What has his success got to do with you? His success will never define you. Focusing on someone else's life is a way of distracting yourself from examining your own. And you have to ask yourself why you're choosing to do that.

 

Your ex is an abuser. Abusers will manipulate you into believing they've changed to get you back in their control again. And they can play that game for as long as they need to in order to influence you into returning. Don't for a second think he's changed. The moment they have you in their grasp, the cycle repeats.

 

Just because he's your first love it doesn't justify staying or rekindling.

 

Move on from both these men and focus on your wellbeing. Seeing a therapist while engaging in toxic people is counter productive. It's like poison in one hand and antidote in the other, alternating between the two.

 

100% on therapy with zero distractions.

Edited April 7, 2017 by Zahara

[SpecialJ]

Agree with the other posters. Your ex is incredibly manipulative and hasn't changed at all. You staying in contact with him allows him and encourages him to mistreat you (because you let him so he can). If you move to LA, does that completely take you away from your support network and make you totally dependent on him? If yes, that's a pretty classic move from an abuser. But so is pressuring you to do anything you don't want to do before you're ready.

 

It's not fair to put the sweet guy through this either. Figure out with your therapist why you're willing to accept this treatment and why you're okay with seeking out relationships with men who are unavailable to you in the long term. Good luck, it will be tough, but hopefully you end up happier after you sort things out!