Breadcrumbs or the real thing?

[frdl1234]

Ex and I broke up about 4 months ago. It was actually me who broke up with her, and she tried very aggressively to get me back for 2-3 months but wasn't ready to work through our relationship problems and therefore I wasn't able to reconcile with her. She actually got pretty sick because of it. At some point, she contacted me and said she wanted to work through these issues. As we were working things out, she lets me know that she met someone and that's when things began to completely change. She didn't want to work things out with me anymore, and decided she wanted to be with this other guy because our relationship had too much baggage - and I wasn't ready to completely be back with her until we really worked through things.

 

I don't know why exactly, but even though we couldn't work things out, I couldn't face losing her and tried my best to have her come back and be with me - that we could work things out as we went. She's been dating this guy for about a month and a half and to me it has always seemed like a rebound relationship. This guy is definitely not her type and seemed more of a reaction to me more than anything. She took our breakup extremely bad, but was too stubborn to work things through with me. Since she's been dating him we have kept in touch and she's been giving me these breadcrumbs that never amount to anything more than crumbs; but they are pretty substantial. "You were the love of my life" "You're the one that got away" "I wish none of this has ever happened". But, even so, she will not leave him. About 2 weeks ago I decided to go no contact with her, and it took her about a week before she called me crying telling me she thinks about me every second of everyday, and that she misses me so much. It was pretty surprising because up until then she had always put up this front that she's so happy, her boyfriend is great - he's not, he's a loser - and that she's moved on. I felt bad for her and missed her a ton and we decided to meet. She told me to not get ahead of myself because it wasn't fair to her boyfriend.

 

The next day when we talked she was still very warm with me but began distancing us from the idea of reconciling. We met the next day and she was cold as ice to me. The last I heard from her she said she needed time to think and I told her, "how about forever? have a good life". It's almost 1 week no contact since then. What does it all mean? I'm actually not going to reply to her if she does come back this time, but I just wanted an objective outside opinion on what she's doing.

[Sweetfish]

Insight into the reason you broke up with her would give us valuable information.

 

Im conflicted with she wanted to be aggressively with you... but wouldnt work on the problems...

 

What were the problems

[frdl1234]

Insight into the reason you broke up with her would give us valuable information.

 

Im conflicted with she wanted to be aggressively with you... but wouldnt work on the problems...

 

What were the problems

 

I caught her in a series of lies that she would not admit to - even though I had proof. She was always difficult to reason with, and fights would go no where unless I went nuclear and she realized I would be willing to walk away. Let's just say it culminated in a huge fight where she was by and large at fault and knew she was wrong. As bad as she wanted me back, she did nothing to prove she had changed so I never reconciled with her. Thinking about it now, it sounds pretty toxic and I probably should just move on.

[Sweetfish]

I caught her in a series of lies that she would not admit to - even though I had proof. She was always difficult to reason with, and fights would go no where unless I went nuclear and she realized I would be willing to walk away. Let's just say it culminated in a huge fight where she was by and large at fault and knew she was wrong. As bad as she wanted me back, she did nothing to prove she had changed so I never reconciled with her. Thinking about it now, it sounds pretty toxic and I probably should just move on.

 

 

This is a very toxic relationship and it sounds like the next guy will run into the same problem. Lets be rational here, do you feel confident you can be with this women for the next 10 or 20 years without creating a series of lies in the future... my thoughts are no. You may think other wise, but for the sake of your future it maybe in your best interest to cut this girl loose. You will feel pain and heartache. You may feel regrets... but we both know its appears she lacks or hides rationality and you will bare the load of all situations simple and complex...

 

I heard this comment a guy made... He had this really expensive toaster that was defective and he left it outside. Someone else picked it up thinking it was perfectly fine (It would engage on its own randomly and start to smoke) He kinda laughed and said someone thought they got a good toaster not knowing it has hidden defects.

 

He sees relationships like that... you can dump someone and some other guy will get with her thinking "WOW, what a great relationship" Not knowing later down the line the problems will show its ugly head again... and the next guy will put that "toaster" out too eventually or maybe he will learn to deal with it? Who knows?

 

So in a sense your trying to bring that "toaster" back into your life without resolving the defects.

[jamili]

I'm not sure i agree with the toaster metaphor because people can change, whereas toasters cannot. I do think it will take longer than 1.5 months to change, however.

 

Im curious about your thread, as i just read your very informative, and likely accurate opinion you posted in my thread. Take it from someone who has been going through this for 5 months, analyzing the breadcrumbs wondering if she has some underlying desire to reconcile. In this case i would take your own advice. She wants to know you still want her, that she can still get back with you if she wants.. maybe after she has some more fun playing the field... in order to stroke her ego. Her contact is selfish. Pretty much reread what you sent me lol.

 

I also want to add shes telling you all this stuff while in a relationship with another guy. Let me say confidently that he likely doesnt know shes sending breadcrumbs to her ex, its being done behind his back and IMO that is a bad sign. She isnt being faithful to him, and that is the biggest red flag of all.

[bubbaganoosh]

What kind of a relationship do you have when she gets caught up in a series of lies, wont admit to it when you have proof and you still want her in your life?

 

One gets what one deserves and if she comes back, you should know that it's going to continue. Not bad enough lying to ruin the trust but she can't even bring herself to admit her wrong doing.

 

Let her go and let her lie to the other guy.

[Altair0770]

She sounds like she's trying to make you extremely jealous and a little bit of it was working.

 

Let's put it this way - liars get use to lying and will always continue to do so. Look at what she's doing? "I've moved on!" "I think about you every second of the day!" Sounds pretty contradicting to me.

 

Yeah, that's a pretty huge rebound relationship and that poor "loser" is going to feel like crap. She's trying to get you jealous and have you come begging on your knees to take her back.

 

I'd say you keep that "how about never" and make it a reality. If you guys did reconcile it wouldn't be long before she lies countless times again.

[frdl1234]

As I said, I was looking for objective outsider opinions. It's funny, I am great at analyzing stuff like this for other people, but when you're in the thick of it, it's hard to get a grasp what's really going on. My judgement is clouded by emotions, so I can't accurate assess the situation. However, I do think our situations are much different. She doesn't ghost me when we communicate.

[frdl1234]

She sounds like she's trying to make you extremely jealous and a little bit of it was working.

 

Let's put it this way - liars get use to lying and will always continue to do so. Look at what she's doing? "I've moved on!" "I think about you every second of the day!" Sounds pretty contradicting to me.

 

Yeah, that's a pretty huge rebound relationship and that poor "loser" is going to feel like crap. She's trying to get you jealous and have you come begging on your knees to take her back.

 

I'd say you keep that "how about never" and make it a reality. If you guys did reconcile it wouldn't be long before she lies countless times again.

It's just difficult because they were never any big lies. She never cheated on me, never wandered whatsoever, but there were smaller lies that begin to pile up. My thought process was, that if she would go to such great lengths to deny small lies, what happens when she actually has stuff worth lying about. It was just a massive red flag for me.

[spiderowl]

As you broke up with her and turned her down when she tried to get back with you, she will not exactly trust you now. It sounds like she really loved you but you made getting back with you conditional upon her 'working with issues'. What was it she had to work on? Did you have to work on anything? Without knowing any of this, I can only conclude that you knew she wanted back with you and that you were holding her over a barrel. In the end, she decided it was too much stress and she would be better off with someone else.

 

She is obviously still conflicted but still does not trust you not to dump her again and tell her she has to work on her issues. I can't see this going well because for her the trust has gone. It must be hard for her as well because she thought a lot of you.

 

Update, sorry I see that it was a trust issue and that you felt she had lied to you. Yes, that is a good reason for breakingup. She probably regrets what she has done but do liars ever change?

Edited March 19, 2017 by spiderowl
Update after reading whole thread

[magnesium]

She probably regrets what she has done but do liars ever change?

 

Great question.

 

I personally wouldn't stick around to find out. If she lies to other people, can you imagine how much she lies to herself? What I mean is, her version of reality, how she views herself and such, may be built on so many false beliefs, and denial of certain realities.

 

What if this person believes the lies she tells all because in her reality it is somehow justifiable? And lets face it, the truth hurts... It is easier to tell ourselves lies because that isn't painful.

 

I feel pity for this woman. May she one day find her authentic self.

[frdl1234]

As you broke up with her and turned her down when she tried to get back with you, she will not exactly trust you now. It sounds like she really loved you but you made getting back with you conditional upon her 'working with issues'. What was it she had to work on? Did you have to work on anything? Without knowing any of this, I can only conclude that you knew she wanted back with you and that you were holding her over a barrel. In the end, she decided it was too much stress and she would be better off with someone else.

 

She is obviously still conflicted but still does not trust you not to dump her again and tell her she has to work on her issues. I can't see this going well because for her the trust has gone. It must be hard for her as well because she thought a lot of you.

 

Update, sorry I see that it was a trust issue and that you felt she had lied to you. Yes, that is a good reason for breakingup. She probably regrets what she has done but do liars ever change?

 

Okay, I did not want to mention this because literally no one takes my side on getting back together with her after what she did to me. During an argument where she denied lying to me, and me saying we should take a break, she threatened to call the police and say I hit her. She then stalked me for about 2 months solid when I told her I needed space to think and that at the time I didn't want to get back together with her. I guess I'm a little messed up for wanting to be back with her but I really did love her.

[frdl1234]

Great question.

 

I personally wouldn't stick around to find out. If she lies to other people, can you imagine how much she lies to herself? What I mean is, her version of reality, how she views herself and such, may be built on so many false beliefs, and denial of certain realities.

 

What if this person believes the lies she tells all because in her reality it is somehow justifiable? And lets face it, the truth hurts... It is easier to tell ourselves lies because that isn't painful.

 

I feel pity for this woman. May she one day find her authentic self.

 

Nailed it. She doesn't know who she is. She used to say the worst things about so many people - people she didn't even know - and now she's dating this kind of person. I think she has a false-self, an idea of who she wants to be thinks she is, but she's scared to face the insecure girl - her true self - that's underneath it all. Given my update, part of the reason she says she wouldn't get back together with me is because I walked out on her. I'd say any reasonable person would say she checked out of wanting a relationship the moment she threatened to make false claims to the police. Messed up situation, and I'm even more messed up for wanting to get back together with her.

Edited March 20, 2017 by frdl1234