Reconciliation in process...Taking it slow...too slow?

[Universe]

For those of you who don't remember me, I was the guy who was with a girl for 5 years but got clingy and lost my identity to symbiosis and she consequently fell out of love with me. We broke up in mid- September and she was sleeping with someone new a couple weeks later. I spent the next 6 months whining here on LS and hanging out with my ex about once every week or two. I was trying to create pleasant moments between us, build rapport, and show her that I'm not really the person she fell out of love with but the real person I truly am underneath my clingy codependent funk. It worked. But she was too confused and depressed to get back together. She dated the other guy for about 5 months. He was delusional and thought he was in love with her and had marriage on the brain. The whole time they dated, he was extremely insecure about her relationship with me. According to her friends, he was obsessed with her and pursued her heavily before we broke up. He was super jealous of me from the get go. Then he held it over her. He knew she would dump him to get back together with me. So he gave her a complex about it. It made it difficult for her to be friends with me because (as she admitted at the time) was still in love with me. I made my feelings for her clear through my actions. But I was so obsessed with winning her back and employing the advice of everyone in such a sterile way that I somehow only vaguely revealed my intentions to her. So I was operating under the assumption that she knew I wanted to get back together. But I was a little too vague. When I finally made that clear to her (late january), she really freaked out. She felt horrible for what she had done to me. She felt horrible for what she was doing to the new guy. She was already super depressed and had been for over a year and a half. I didn't pressure her. I gave her all the space and time in the world to figure things out. A month and half went by (March 12) before she finally made it clear that it was over between her and the other guy, but that she wanted to be “not in a relationship” for a while. By then I was so confused and upset that she was still rejecting me that I knew I needed to not get back with her yet. It was clear that I had some issues to sort out. So we agreed to be just friends. So with all the pressure of getting back together out of the way, we were both significantly more comfortable with each other. This was crucial because I was able to observe her emotions and needs more effectively. I learned more about how to interact with her in a way that relieved her depression and allowed her to enjoy my presence like never before. I learned that in general, a woman doesn't necessarily want you to solve her problems, but she wants you to empathize. I shouldn't indulge her dwelling on negative issues, but distract her from them by being positive, fun, and upbeat.

 

As I've been on my own, I've gradually found parts of myself that were in reclusion during my symbiotic connection with my ex. As it turns out, these parts of myself are precisely the things that make me an attractive lover.

 

Spending time with her helped me to see myself in a way that was very constructive. But it also caused me to fall even more in love with her than ever. We started hooking up (no intercourse) on April 7th. We agreed to keep it a secret and not put any kind of label on it. We've talked about it a lot and are gradually moving closer together. Within a couple weeks we had already started to fall into some of our old patterns that had negative effects. Most importantly I realized that I was already getting clingy and that I always had been to an extent. I thought about a lot of the people here on LS and I think most of us on here that are trying to get a lover back suffer from clinginess. It’s like this compulsive tug that seems irresistible. But it irrational and doesn’t really do the other person any good. In fact it usually causes them discomfort.

So after I realized that about myself, I felt much better about everything and our time together has been a lot nicer than before.

 

We’re trying to take things slow and smart. We’re talking a lot about things and being as open as possible about our feelings and concerns. We’re openly affectionate with each other and the affection is well received on both sides. We’ve “fooled around” but she’s been resistant to straight up sex. She’s gone down on me a few times, but won’t let me go down on her. She’s been to the gynecologist and they said she’s clear of any STDs she may have possibly contracted from the other guy. But she says she still feels too concerned for my health and well-being to have sex with me. I know – it sounds weird. It’s kinda making me feel messed up. We had a long talk about it and it’s clear that it’s not just the STD thing, but personal issues. She says that the way her relationship with the other guy made her feel is still affecting her and making her feel weird about everything. I think she’s viewing our having full on sex as changing the dynamic we have right now. She wants to be careful about how fast we’re getting ourselves back into this. We both got really messed up from being together before and it’s obviously very scary for her to dive back in. I think she’s right to be scared and I agree with it. I’m scared too. I guess I just feel a little more certain that things are going to work out much better than before.

 

It’s clear that she’s totally done with the other guy. That’s not a concern. I think my problem is that I’m feeling rejected by the fact that she doesn’t want to have sex. I know I turn her on. I know she thinks I’m sexy. But I’m feeling rejected because her desire to have sex with me is not overcoming her rationality. I feel that we should go slow and be careful. But I think that our desire for each other should be so strong that it’s really difficult to hold back. For me, this is the case. I can hold back, but it’s no easy chore. And my passion bursts out at times. Her passion is not bursting out, though she is very loving and affectionate.

 

She says she feels very lucky and grateful that I still want to be with her. She said she really likes spending time with me now and she really likes the dynamic we have now. She really likes kissing and messing around the way we have been. She says it feels really great and that she wants things to continue.

 

So I think she’s right and I agree with her on just about everything. I’m just worried that the fact that she’s stalling on the sex is an indication of her not really desiring me. I wonder if I’m being used. In the classic gender stereotype, she gets her emotional needs met and has a fun sexy guy to run around with, but I don’t get my physical sexual needs met. I don’t want to be her dick in a glass jar. But I also don’t want to be clingy. We’ve only been “hooking up” for about 3 weeks now. It feels like it’s been longer. But I can see how maybe we should wait longer to let things get to that level.

But I also feel like we’re mature enough to deal with having a sexual relationship while still taking it slow. I guess I just feel like if she really wanted me the way I want her, she wouldn’t be able to resist sex at this point.

[RecordProducer]

Right. If she were in love with you she would have sex with you. It's not like she hasn't done it before.

Stop seeing her unless she wants to be in a real relationship. Obviously she wants to be just friends and kiss here and there.

If she has problems try to help her. You analyze things too much. There is no point in analyzing what was in the past when she doesn't want to sleep with you. Thias is not a relationship.

[strange love]

Hmm

 

well its been 3 weeks.

 

Thats really not too long.

One time I waited close to a month and a half of dating this girl. And then it was only once a week I guess.

 

My last ex the one I speak about on here, liked to have sex more often and was really affectionate.

 

So the choice is really up to you... but perhaps wait and see.

[eastern_mystique]

She wants to be with you, otherwise she wouldn't be with you - so it doesn't sound like she's using you. As for actual sex, it sounds like she wants to take things slowly, so I doubt there's some sinister ulterior motive lurking. And she's being affectionate with you and kissing you, so she obviously wants you - she's just being cautious. Just enjoy it and see where it goes, there's no need to make it happen all at once.

 

Wait a sec.... I just read your post properly....what do you mean 'no label'? As in you guys are not 'girlfriend and boyfriend', you're something in between? Hmmmm....you need to clear that up. Being 'something in between' means she can see other people and can waltz in and out whenever she feels like it. If she really wants to be with you, then the 'label' of being a proper couple wouldn't scare her. Maybe you should try making it into an actual relationship before you bring sex into the equation.

[IfiKnewThen]

just want to tell you of my own experience with not wanting to have sex after reconciled. first of all, its a feeling like youre not really completely reconciled.

 

i dont know about your ex/gal, but i was always a one man woman. ok life got the best of me once, and that changed at one point because one person (we will call him B) walked into my life at a vulnerable time with (A---the man i speak of when i refer to reconciliation). anyway, the core of me could only give myself over to one man at a time in my life.

 

when i tried to reconcile with A, i still hadn't made the mental (and i underscore mental) transition of leaving B. men they say are visual and physical. woman they say are more mental/emotional. it took so much for me to get to the point where i could feel comfortable with another man (B) after my monogamous relationship with (A) of several years. when i was finally comfortable with it , .....then we broke up, and i had to reverse it (my thinking..mentally and emotionally) and go back to the relationship i had with (A).

 

i had to psyche myself all over again to be physical with a man i was with for years. (A). it may sound strange to you because you are familiar territory with her, but in a sense you became unfamiliar. and something she may have (at least i did) have to get reaquainted with. she might be mentally more devoted than you think. and now she has to detach herself fully from him to give herself over to you . and even if she does, maybe she didnt feel the same passion with you and is scared to feel the pain of no passion for you but love you for all that you are to her. (this is complicated i know) maybe her life is more simple than this. but i am thinking.. she may feel sexually devoted still to him because maybe it took her so much time to not feel guilty about not being with you anymore and that took building blokcks. now she has tro kind of knock that down and rebuild so that she doesnt feel lingering devotion towards him and can release herself to feel passion for you. honestly, i still had lingering feelings for the other guy (B) and sexually devotion followed. even though we broke up. you say, she gives you oral sex. maybe its because it may not feel as sacred as giving up her body. that's what it sounds like to me because that's how i felt. her full feelings which bleed over into sexual desire have not returned for you yet. and its best..you don't push it .. or (well this is just how i felt)....dont talk about it either. she's not ready. and any dialog might make her feel pressured too. much as a she had to get you out of her head to be physical with him and feel free and clear about it ...she has to get him out of her head too. that sound like it may have been a really big deal for her to have given him her body. she doesn't sound like she takes that lightly. am i right? i dont know her i could be wrong. just telling you how i feel/felt in a circumstance that sounds familiar.

 

also, its a statement that your relationship is more casual and uncommitted if she doesn't give you her body yet. it can be a female state of mind. she sounds grateful to you for being there to pick her up and hang in there with her and it may give her strength. but i think she still has lingering passionate feelings for the other guy or..not does not have the passion for you right now, to take it to the next level. it may actually have to be relearned and take lots of time. guys sometimes dont get that because sex brings out your feelings. whereas with a lot of us females, our cared for emtions bring on our sexual desires. i know you are caring for her emotions right now but it will take more time. this is work here. for some of us woman there are phases/aspects, mental build up to physical desire. unfortunately this might take more work on your part to build it up more mentally. as long as she is open and willing to take that much of you in, and she is willing to be a giver as well (even on the level of oral sex)..you may get to the more sacred bonds with her. later on. you may not. i cant tell. all i know is, you can love a man for who he is and what he does but lose the passion part ....and it does happen and until she fully heals..whatever ails her from within...she's not ready. (i don't think i helped here much)..oh Ps she really does care that she doesn't want to you catch anything either..she sounds like she is responsible in that aspect and doesn't want to hurt anyone's health. but she also sounds like she does not want to feel anymore guilt. she's guilty about the other guy and you. she takes a lot on herself. she does need to be unburdened. being free from burdens is a sexual turnon as well. whereas with men i think sex unburdens them. hehe just the opposite. (maybe). i am not saying oh pity this woman...she is suffering. and you should give give give. i am saying...you are doing all you can and need to do more if there's a chance here, because sex does matter in a relationship. but most woman sexual desires are formed first mentally and emotionally if she is an emotional guilty wreck, and devotions don't die right away even of the physcial relationship did...she will need work and love and patience. and needs to fall into passion with you again. there are no guarantees, your work will pay off but you sound like you are on the right road : ). i wish you luck.

[smile]

I have such a similar situation, as you know universe. But the huge difference is the sex. Maybe because our genders are swapped.. my exbf is your exgf and vice versa. But whatever it is my ex wanted sex from me, even when he was still with his rebound.

 

We are friends and he wants sex and security but there is something missing. I guess thats where the , stay away for a while, comes in huh? Maybe no physical contact for a while is the best for my situation. I have no idea.

 

I wish I had the honesty , talking thing you have. My ex also feels scared and too messed up to be in a relationship. We have been in what I think (and everyone else around me thinks) is a relationship but without that lable he isnt obligated to me at all. If some hussy comes by he can do what he wants.... that hurts.

 

I am not sure that you are more honest than we are with eachother now that I think about it. We can talk about me feeling hurt or mad about things he does, or when he is inconsiderate.

I think he wants to be together and he doesnt want to. When he gets close he backs off... does this happen to you too?

 

I wish I could tell you what she feels. I have no idea. Mine is sexually into the relationship and holding out a bit on the admittance of his feelings and yours is the opposite. i have no idea this makes no sense. I am sorry.... thats all.

[Heartagram]

Originally posted by smile

Mine is sexually into the relationship and holding out a bit on the admittance of his feelings and yours is the opposite.

 

Yeah I just got into a very similar situation and I have no idea how to deal with it right now...with my ex, it all started about a month ago and we've gone out on dates and gotten to the sex stage but there's no commitment or even addressing commitment. He's hot and cold about everything and in a way I'm too scared to bring it all up lest he'll run away. But I know it has to be...it's just a matter of getting the wherewithall to talk about it. He probably misses having me around but doesn't want the "ball and chain" since he originally broke up with me because he didn't have a lot of time for a relationship (which is true but still sucks as an excuse).

 

Whatever...I'm just rambling and letting you know there is someone else out there with the same heartache as you.

[Universe]

what do you mean 'no label'? As in you guys are not 'girlfriend and boyfriend', you're something in between? Hmmmm....you need to clear that up. Being 'something in between' means she can see other people and can waltz in and out whenever she feels like it.

When we first started getting sexual a few weeks ago, she said that if she's having a sexual relationship with one person, then she's not having one with anyone else. So there is definitely a spoken agreement that we will not be engaging in sexual relationships with other people. So that's not really an issue. And I'm actually pretty comfortable with the no label thing. In fact I prefer it. Technically we're allowed to date other people and I'm cool with that. I haven't dated anyone else and I'm fairly certain she has not. But to be honest, I welcome the competition. I love her, and if she's going to be with me, than I want her to know for sure that I'm the best man for her. Plus, it motivates me to really focus on being the best man for her. I obviously wasn't before and that's why she left. I see now how I took her for granted. I took myself for granted. It's not enough just to feel love for someone. Admiration is not love. Adoration is not love. Love is an action that you consciously take. Instead of focussing on how much I adore her, I'm now trying to focus on being the best man I can be because she's the best woman to me. A label is like putting a fence around it. I don't want to cage her in or be caged in. I want for us to stay together by our own respective free wills. If one of us goes astray, it will be because the other is not doing the right things to keep them.

 

We got really passionate last night and it was amazingly sexy. In the middle of it she told me we would have sex soon and that it's going to be really great when we do. I really don't mind the waiting (at least not too much). But I just worry if it's a sign that she's not attracted to me. But she really seems to be. She's very affectionate and tells me I'm sexy.

If she were in love with you she would have sex with you.

I feel much better about everything now. But I still worry that this may be true.

I think what IfiKnewThen said makes a lot of sense. It really seems to be what's happening with her. It just gets confusing. She originally left me because I was, among other things, insecure. Now I've been working on my insecurities, but the fact that she left me once makes me even more insecure than before in some ways. I know I can't be. At times I've felt very secure with myself. I never knew I had so many issues.

 

It's weird. Every time I freak out and feel like I'm losing her, I realize afterwords that my freaking out originates from my deeply ingrained clinginess. I spend far too much time obsessing over her and not enough time actually doing the things that will ultimately attract her back to me. I'm so easily distracted by my compulsive need to be with her all the time and be affectionate all the time. I just need to relax and focus on real life. So I'm going to go do that right now.

 

Anyways - Thank you all so much for your posts.