Quintessential Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 I am a huge supporter of NC (No contact) when it comes to healing. My ex and I broke up 4 months ago. In the first several weeks I was a crying, pleading mess. Eventually I did 2 months of strict NC and it put me in such a better, stronger and more positive mindset emotionally. This is why NC is a must. However, once you're in that better place emotionally, if you want your ex back I believe it's best to start LC (Low contact). Last week I transitioned from NC to LC and things are going well. I'm able to keep cool, relaxed and unemotional towards my ex because I'm no longer attached to outcome. I know I will be happy whether I'm with or without him. The reason why I don't think NC is effective for getting them back is because of something my ex told me when I got back in touch. He said he was worried I hated him. If I stayed NC, I think this would have prevented him from getting in touch. My ex is a very introverted, anxious person, and NC appears to have a negative effect on that type of personality. I haven't initiated any contact with him in the week we've been LC, but my ex has initiated contact with me 4 times. I'm clear-sighted enough to understand that him initiating contact does not mean he wants me back. After all, he found himself a rebound a few weeks after we broke up. They are still together, which means he must be happy and I'm fine with that if it is what he wants. However, him initiating contact 4 times in one week after 2 months of NC could mean there is still something there for him... I'm a strong believer that the universe has a way of taking care of things in life. Whatever route it leads me to, I know I'll be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Deidre Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 The only reason I hesitate to be pro-LC, is that it keeps that person in your life, and it might cause you to not fully move on, and meet others. Allowing yourself to stay sort of in the past, and sort of in the present. If you can manage it, that's great, but just be careful that you're not allowing yourself to stay stuck. Link to post Share on other sites
nobodyIam Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 I'm an advocate of total nc if it is possible. The reason is simple experience. It's been more than a year since my ex left me and for first 4 months she'd contact me on a monthly basis,and I'd take the bait and get dragged back to the bottom with my feelings. Then it turned out to her contacting me every 2 to 3 months,and this is something that impaired my healing even more. In these cases you always keep waiting for your ex to contact you and come back to you,but the later just doesnt happen. But if you block them right away in the beginning and leave no bridges standing,then you will not have anything to wait for. And honestly,if they really wanted to get you back,well they would do anything to find a way. Link to post Share on other sites
jamili Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 I'm an advocate of total nc if it is possible. The reason is simple experience. It's been more than a year since my ex left me and for first 4 months she'd contact me on a monthly basis,and I'd take the bait and get dragged back to the bottom with my feelings. Then it turned out to her contacting me every 2 to 3 months,and this is something that impaired my healing even more. In these cases you always keep waiting for your ex to contact you and come back to you,but the later just doesnt happen. But if you block them right away in the beginning and leave no bridges standing,then you will not have anything to wait for. And honestly,if they really wanted to get you back,well they would do anything to find a way. What exactly happened? What was the bait and how did it go down? Just curious.. Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 NC is not designed to make your ex come back. It's purpose is to help you heal and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenBranches Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 SHe's contacted me twice in 2 months. Once asking if we can say hi to each other when we're both at something. 2 inviting me to a party of hers which i ignored. Obviously i miss her a lot and think it's such a shame/waste to not be in each others lives. Part of me definitely wants to be friends again or FWB or a relationship again. I'm not certain about anything. She's also friends with most my friends/roomies. We had a casual relationship, but what repeatedly hurt me towards the end, was she couldn't even give me the attention or time she would any to her friend, let alone her "best friend" or boyfriend. She probably thinks i'm simply mad and hate her. Even when together, if she did something and i came off as passive aggressive at all, she'd ask if i'm mad or would assume i'm mad. It's' annoying because i've always been respectful and never mean when bringing up my grievances. I was and am sad and disappointed more than anything. She probably doesn't realize that i'm not upset that she wanted to break up, i was ready for that too, i'm upset at how she treated me and how disrespectful she was to me the last few months, all while putting on a facade of "i love you", "i'm so thankful for you", etc. I admit i feel extremely wronged. I also feel so stupid for being so good to her when she wasn't to me. She basically told me i was foolish for wanting and thinking she might change. From my perspective, change meaning : be respectful, not ignoring my texts, not flaking on hanging out, making plans to hang out other than when you realize nothing else is going on and you're free right now. These are things, when we had "talks" in the past, that she said she didn't realize she was doing, that she wanted to improve, and to be a better friend/gf. **** me for thinking, my gf/best friend how loves me, wants to sleep with me, etc might want to ****ing hang out and put in some effort. It's not like i was hoping that a girl i've gone on 2 dates with to start doing these things. Anyway, i put in so much effort and emotional energy, trying to make things good for us, when it clearly wasn't important to her. So if she wants to be friends, i fully expect her to make the effort. Even then, i think it'll be so hard for me to respond to her attempts or accept them. I don't really trust her and don't find her as sincere as she made herself out to be. If i feel stupid and guilty about trying to be her friend/bf, making plans, asking how her day was (when she wasn't asking me) or whatever in the past; how can i do those things now? How do i get over those things? I find she reopens the wounds, when i see all the effort she's making to be friends with my friends and roommates. One reason why being: during some big talks she expressed how scared she was of losing me. In hindsight, i don't' think she was scared because she wanted to be with me, rather she was scared of being lonely and of having our mutual friends turn against her. So it feels like she strung me along, but she's fine now because she's got her friends still. Mind you, these are friends she had a falling out with during our relationship and didn't talk to anymore (for unrelated reasons). She posts a bunch of pictures of them hanging out now all of a sudden. It all just seems ****ed up. Basically, i strongly feel she doesn't deserve any of me. I tried and did give her a lot of me, yet she wen't back and forth between taking advantage of it, rejecting it, thinking i'm needy. Whatever suited her best at any given time. So how do i let her in, if nothings really resolved and i feel bad about letting her in? She's never apologized for any of her actions. She just turned it on me and made me feel all sorts of crazy, needy, controlling when i think i was being completely reasonable. Sorry for this rant. I guess the biggest question right now is: hypothetically, if she asks me to hang out, should i refuse until we talk about the issues and maybe give some apologies? Is it stupid to talk about things 2+ months later? She might think it's irrelevant and in the past now, but i think it's very relevant. Link to post Share on other sites
nobodyIam Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 (edited) What exactly happened? What was the bait and how did it go down? Just curious.. Everything from drunk calling me and asking me bac,then after a week of talking and going on a date ghosting me. To simple hi's and then telling me I was the best guy she'll ever had/she'll never love anybody like she loved me,and then ghosting me again. And last contact was simple "hi, we need to talk", to which I responded "no,we really dont this time". This is why I'm not an advocate of lc, because it keeps you burning, it keeps you questioning. If it werent for these bumps, would probably move on long time ago,not spend a year waiting for something that isnt going to happen. @BrokenBranches all it takes is time and getting rid of anything that reminds you of your ex. Even some habits you picked up shortly after breakup. Edited January 17, 2017 by nobodyIam Link to post Share on other sites
sc98cbra Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 However, once you're in that better place emotionally, if you want your ex back I believe it's best to start LC (Low contact). Last week I transitioned from NC to LC and things are going well. . . . I haven't initiated any contact with him in the week we've been LC, but my ex has initiated contact with me 4 times. . . . Who initiated first contact? Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 If you're not attached to the outcome, then why in the world would you want your ex back, knowing that this relationship has failed once already? That doesn't make any sense. That's like saying, oh, I bought these expensive tires for my car, and they went bald after 10,000 miles. I think I'll get a new set of the same ones because I'm familiar with them! Wouldn't you take a chance on a different brand? Shouldn't you? Link to post Share on other sites
jamili Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 If you're not attached to the outcome, then why in the world would you want your ex back, knowing that this relationship has failed once already? That doesn't make any sense. That's like saying, oh, I bought these expensive tires for my car, and they went bald after 10,000 miles. I think I'll get a new set of the same ones because I'm familiar with them! Wouldn't you take a chance on a different brand? Shouldn't you? People can change after a breakup. They can grow, learn, and work out problems. You can't compare sentient, intelligent life with tires. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts