Forgave long-term cheating ex-bf. Was it right?

[medigirl]

I'm (29F) back together with my ex (28M) who has cheated on me several times in the past.

 

He broke up with me 8 months ago because he wanted to see other girls as well.

 

Now he tells me that him meeting those other girls (there were a lot) made him realize how valuable I was. He said that he had no comparison before and it's only now he can finally appreciate me.

 

We were together 4.5 years and living together for 3.5 years. He did not have a job during that time. He broke up and moved out in January after he got a job.

 

He had multiple girlfriends during the year but told me after the breakup that I should not meet anyone else because he might change his mind and come back. Then I ended up being one of his FWB's for the next 3 months beside his regular girlfriends (he always came uninvited but I could not resist - I felt very bad afterwards).

 

During the year I did actually move on, since he stopped contacting me because he was busy with his job and his multiple girls.

 

After that, I did have a new relationship as well that lasted for 3 months until this October. He was a nice and sweet guy you could rely on but seemed to be a little bit anxious and didn't have much experience.

 

Then my ex-bf visited me early October and told me he wants to get back together with me. A week later we reconcile and I dump the other guy. He might not have been good enough anyway I think...

 

Anyway, now I'm back with my boyfriend. I'm also helping him find a new job, as he just resigned from his old one as it was too stressing.

 

I have already visited his parents last weekend. He kinda behaved strange, was shoving and pushing me around and calling me names in front of his parents but then again, I was together with someone else too and that other guy was one of his acquaintances so I guess he's just upset because of that.

 

He's also talking about us moving in together again.

 

I just hope he won't cheat again. He did that at least 4 times I 100% know about (he admitted) but I'm pretty sure there is much more... many times when I came home from work I found foreign woman hair around the bed etc. When I was with him I usually also got funny faces from random girls when walking in town.

 

But he said he has changed now and that this year off made him realize I'm the right one for him. I'm not sure what to think, but maybe he did mature due to this new experience? Maybe we did need this break?

[hippychick3]

He shoved you and pushed you and called you names, he resigned from a job before finding a new one, and you think he has matured??

 

No way, no how should you even consider a relationship with him ever again. You shouldn't even want anything to do with this jerk ever again.

 

Sweetie, please find a good therapist who can help you with your self-esteem and explore why you would entertain the thought of being with such a loser.

[elaine567]

I am sorry, but I am speechless...

 

Do you have no self respect?

I can see "doormat" quite clearly tattooed on your forehead.

Of course you were wrong, you know you are wrong, that this why you are posting here.

 

Dump him NOW and find a decent man, not someone who is a scrounger, cheater and an abuser, and in the meantime try to do something about your own self esteem. Why have you put up with this for so long? and please do not say "love", what is there to love about this man?

 

I have already visited his parents last weekend. He kinda behaved strange, was shoving and pushing me around and calling me names in front of his parents

- this is abuse.

[sooshi]

 

He broke up with me 8 months ago because he wanted to see other girls as well.

 

He wanted to have his cake and eat it. He didn't think you were "it," so he went out to try to find "it."

 

Now he tells me that him meeting those other girls (there were a lot) made him realize how valuable I was. He said that he had no comparison before and it's only now he can finally appreciate me.

 

He had to meet a lot of girls to realize how valuable you are. He can't see your inherent value. He's comparing. He can only NOW appreciate you, because he's comparing. He doesn't truly appreciate you.

 

 

He had multiple girlfriends during the year but told me after the breakup that I should not meet anyone else because he might change his mind and come back. Then I ended up being one of his FWB's for the next 3 months beside his regular girlfriends (he always came uninvited but I could not resist - I felt very bad afterwards).

 

He told you you shouldn't meet anyone else because he might change his mind. That is control. That is manipulation. He didn't want you to meet anyone else even though HE could. And he met a lot of girls. Had multiple girlfriends. So, he gets to have his cake and eat it while he expects you to wait around for him, for him to MAYBE change his mind? How long did he expect you to wait for him? Years? C'mon. Then you allowed yourself to be used for sex. Again, he's a cake-eater. And you gave him some. Remember, he had MULTIPLE girlfriends. Get yourself checked for STDs. And he always came uninvited. That's disrespectful.

 

Notice how you felt very bad afterwards. Hone your capacity to discern what is right and what is not right for you. If you felt bad afterwards, then you know on some level that what you were doing with him was not right for you. The way he was imposing power over you, having his way with you, and you not standing up for yourself and doing what you truly want. It did not feel good, and now you must set up boundaries and enforce them. To protect yourself. To make choices that are right for you.

 

 

he was busy with his job and his multiple girls.

Again, he was cake-eating. Again, get checked for STDs. He has put you in potential health danger.

 

 

I'm also helping him find a new job, as he just resigned from his old one as it was too stressing.

 

This guy is an adult. A grown man. He can find employment himself. You're not his mommy. Don't coddle him. If he can't find work himself, then trust he isn't partner material. Then again, you've stated enough about his actions to show that he is thoroughly NOT partner material.

 

was shoving and pushing me around and calling me names in front of his parents but then again, I was together with someone else too and that other guy was one of his acquaintances so I guess he's just upset because of that.

 

There is no "but then again...". He shoved you and pushed you around and called you names. That is abuse. Do not rationalize his abuse. This jerk of a man breaks up with you to date other girls, puts you in the line of danger of contracting STDs, comes to your place unannounced, demotes you to an FWB, tells you he only NOW appreciates you (after YEARS of being together... so he never appreciated you during those years, huh?) because he's met plenty of other girls, cheated on you multiple times, shoves you, pushes you around, and calls you names. Yeah, sounds like a real keeper.

 

He's also talking about us moving in together again.

Why aren't you such ridiculous talk? Why aren't you thinking, "Helllll, no. It's going to be utter hell for me, and I care about myself not to allow that to happen!"? So he needs a new job and he wants to move in together again. In other words, you can pay the bills while you also find work for him. Sounds like a good deal. For him.

 

I just hope he won't cheat again.

Is that really the only concern you have? So, you just hope he won't cheat again, but you're okay with him pushing you around, controlling what you do, manipulating your feelings, calling you names, shoving you, not genuinely appreciating you...?

 

He did that at least 4 times I 100% know about (he admitted) but I'm pretty sure there is much more... many times when I came home from work I found foreign woman hair around the bed etc. When I was with him I usually also got funny faces from random girls when walking in town.

 

You don't even trust the guy (as you rightfully shouldn't!). Why be with someone you don't trust? Do you have so little self-respect that you'll put up with this clown's behaviour just so you can be with someone?

 

But he said he has changed now and that this year off made him realize I'm the right one for him. I'm not sure what to think, but maybe he did mature due to this new experience? Maybe we did need this break?

 

Sure, he says he has changed, but what ACTIONS have shown this? None. Nada. Zero. Nil. Nilch. He has done nothing to show that he has changed. He bounced from one woman to another, never taking time to be on his own and truly work on himself. He doesn't want to change, OP. He likes having his cake and eating it. He likes having power over you, and over other woman. Hear me again: He does NOT want to change. He knows he can do ANYTHING to you and that he'll still have companionship, sex, a mother, and a girlfriend. After all of the other women he met, and the multiple girlfriends he had, I bet you are the only one who will let him step all over you. That's why he suddenly now "appreciates" you.

 

He did not mature. Not one bit. He's a teenager in an adult body. He will cheat again. He hasn't learned a thing.

 

You need to dump this clown and get into therapy. You don't love him; you're co-dependent. You'll put up with his abuse because you confuse it with love and affection. All he has to do is give you some words and you'll buy into it. Take time, a lot of time, to be single, and focus on building a relationship with yourself. Cultivating self-respect and self-worth. So that you can look back and realize that wow, this truly was not love, and it was indeed abuse, and that now you know what it looks like, you will not tolerate it again.

Edited October 19, 2016 by sooshi

[medigirl]

Yes, but no relationship is perfect and I already know him for so long.

 

We're also close to 30 now and I don't think he will leave again. He tried it this year after getting his job but obviously it was not working for him being alone and he now realized he should be in a stable relationship.

 

Also, it's unlikely he would leave again because even if he finds a new job it would be close to 25% of the pay of what he got from his old job (long story - that job was unique, he will never find another job like that). He won't be able to leave just like that.

 

The resignation thing: Since his old job was well paid he said he prepared for this in advance and has some savings that can last for several months until he finds a new job.

 

The name calling thing: He was upset because the week before I messaged the other guy I left why he has blocked me on Facebook. He extremely aggressively attacked me and accused my bf that he only wants to get back with me because of his job. Bf saw the messages and was very upset of why I contacted him. That other guy was also one of his acquaintances so he's upset about that too. I think they were some friends some time back and now he feels betrayed.

 

Not sure about the cheating though. He says he has perspective now and can value me, so after trying so many girls this year he might stop now.

 

I also don't think I can find someone else now and at this age. It was also very difficult with the other guy, starting from the very beginning, getting to know each other etc. after a while I just didn't really have energy for all of that. It was too complicated.

[stillafool]

So why even start this thread? You have already decided to take back your cheating, no working, abusive ex. You say the guy you dumped wasn't good enough; yet it would seem anyone would be better than the loser you dumped him for. You have a million excuses for his bad behavior and you think he has changed so really; what do you want from us? You say you think it would be hard to find someone else at your age. Are you so desperate that you would settle for this just to have a man by your side?

Edited October 19, 2016 by stillafool

[medigirl]

I do have my doubts but I don't know what to do. I still can't say no to him. It was also really unexpected. I 100% did not think that it would come to this. Just a few months ago I was 100% convinced I would never take him back. Then after like 2 months of absence he just shows up and I can't resist.

 

I know him for so long and it's not like he's bad all the time. He knows how to take charge and initiative, unlike the other guy, while being sweet, he did not and it was boring after a while.

[elaine567]

If you were looking for people here to go "YES! you did the right thing he will never cheat again and you will ride off into the sunset happy ever after" then you came to the wrong place.

 

That is a script a Hollywood producer may like, but in real life, serial cheaters keep cheating, abusers keep abusing and scroungers keep scrounging especially when they have door-mat gfs who will forgive them time and time again and who will pick up the pieces for them when their life goes pear-shaped.

Why on earth would this man want to change anything?

He has you exactly where he wants you.

[hippychick3]

I do have my doubts but I don't know what to do. I still can't say no to him. It was also really unexpected. I 100% did not think that it would come to this. Just a few months ago I was 100% convinced I would never take him back. Then after like 2 months of absence he just shows up and I can't resist.

 

I know him for so long and it's not like he's bad all the time. He knows how to take charge and initiative, unlike the other guy, while being sweet, he did not and it was boring after a while.

 

I'm sure Ted Bundy wasn't bad all the time either. What a catch. Your standards are alarmingly low.

 

Abusive guys typically do take charge and initiative. Not good character traits for those people.

 

You will continue to get cheated on and be abused as long as you stay with him. It will only get worse in time. Not one person will tell you otherwise. I will hope and pray the 2 of you will never bring an innocent baby into such a volatile environment.

[sooshi]

Yes, but no relationship is perfect and I already know him for so long.

 

We're also close to 30 now and I don't think he will leave again. He tried it this year after getting his job but obviously it was not working for him being alone and he now realized he should be in a stable relationship.

 

Um, so controlling you, pushing you around, shoving you, calling you names, and getting you to be his mommy is your idea of a stable relationship?

 

Also, it's unlikely he would leave again because even if he finds a new job it would be close to 25% of the pay of what he got from his old job (long story - that job was unique, he will never find another job like that). He won't be able to leave just like that.

 

I find it very disturbing that you think the only reason he won't leave again (I think he absolutely will, if you won't leave first) is that IF he finds (you mean if YOU find him) a new job, it would be due to an increase in pay. So, him staying has absolutely nothing to do with him valuing you, appreciating you, or loving you. Yeah, that sounds magical and stable.

 

 

The name calling thing: He was upset because the week before I messaged the other guy I left why he has blocked me on Facebook. He extremely aggressively attacked me and accused my bf that he only wants to get back with me because of his job. Bf saw the messages and was very upset of why I contacted him. That other guy was also one of his acquaintances so he's upset about that too. I think they were some friends some time back and now he feels betrayed.

 

So this guy doesn't have good coping skills. Can't deal with his anger appropriately. His way of showing anger is to shove you, push you around, and call you names. Is that someone you want to be around, and live with? Is this someone you'd want to have as a father to your children? Someone who will call your children names, and who will push them around, shove them, and who knows what?

 

Not sure about the cheating though. He says he has perspective now and can value me, so after trying so many girls this year he might stop now.

 

Yeah, he has perspective now. He suddenly realizes that you're the only girl he's met who he can do anything to, ask anything of, and you'll submit. So he says that after trying [with] so many girls, he MIGHT stop now? Are you serious? :sick: He's not going to stop now. He hasn't changed. He's still the immature a**clown he was when you weren't together before. He spouts out empty, meaningless words to keep you around and be his girlfriend/mother, and you'll take it.

 

I also don't think I can find someone else now and at this age. It was also very difficult with the other guy, starting from the very beginning, getting to know each other etc. after a while I just didn't really have energy for all of that. It was too complicated.

 

So you'd rather spend your life with someone who you'll have to constantly wonder if he'll cheat on you (and he WILL), someone who will push you around, shove you, call you names, express his anger inappropriately, be okay with YOU finding a job for HIM, you being his mommy/caretaker, someone who you don't trust.... then take the time to work on yourself, develop some standards, and be with someone who will actually value you, appreciate you, and respect you?

 

Okay, but that's your choice. You're going to end up incredibly hurt and miserable because of your choice. You keep rationalizing his behaviour. You focus on what he says, what he wants, what he needs, what he will do, but you neglect your own feelings, desires, and needs. He has you right where he wants: right under his finger, where he can poke at you and prod you however he wants.

 

You're putty in his hands. He's using you, and it's so saddening that you're okay with it.

Edited October 19, 2016 by sooshi

[LostOnes05]

Have you ever had a traumatic brain injury? Because at this point, that's the only thing I can think of that would cause you to let someone like this stay in your life (and even then it's a stretch). This is far beyond low self-esteem...there isn't a shred of it left.

 

You dump a guy that treats you well, to get back with the guy that, let's see...

1) cheated on you the entire relationship

2) Lived with you without a job for 3.5 years

3) Dumped you to be with other women after getting a job

4) Still kept you on the side while with other women

5) Wants you back after he resigned from a job (without another lined up)

6) Pushing and calling you names

7) Too much energy/too complicated to get to know the other guy but you put up with this LMAO!!

 

I can't ponder how you find this acceptable AT ANY AGE. You are a willing participant to the mistreatment and abuse. You clearly thrive on drama, so I doubt you'll actually smarten up and find some who actually appreciates you. I hope proposes to you soon. Just be warned he'll probably give you a leash instead of an engagement ring...and he'll still cheat. And please use birth control, for the sake of the child(ren) you shouldn't have together. Good luck though...you're gonna need it.

 

**Your guy should write a book, "How to cheat and make her love you forever:Part 1 of 4". Hell at this point, I might read it because being a good guy ain't working.

[bummer]

We all get that you can't resist. We hear you that you didn't expect this and that you imagine a rosy picture for your future.

 

But please please, step back and look at it as if you were your best friend. Does anything you are saying seem reasonable? If you could advise yourself, would you agree with your choices?

 

Do you honestly want to look back in 20 years with kids and say, "well it was only abusive sometimes. He paid for things sometimes. It was good that I stayed with him when I was so old at 30, it would have been too hard to find someone else..."

[Zahara]

I know him for so long and it's not like he's bad all the time. He knows how to take charge and initiative, unlike the other guy, while being sweet, he did not and it was boring after a while.

 

Serial cheater. Verbally abusive. Lazy ass. It's not like he's bad all the time? What in heaven's name?

 

You're the kind that is used to being treated like crap and when someone nice comes along and treats you with decency, you're messed up brain translates that to boring. Why? You're addicted to drama, up and down, dysfunctional, mind ****kery type relationships. You translate that to love and passion. Wrong. Give you a good thing and you have no clue what to do with it. Give you a douchebag and you're all over it.

Edited October 19, 2016 by Zahara

[dreamingoftigers]

So why even start this thread? You have already decided to take back your cheating, no working, abusive ex. You say the guy you dumped wasn't good enough; yet it would seem anyone would be better than the loser you dumped him for. You have a million excuses for his bad behavior and you think he has changed so really; what do you want from us? You say you think it would be hard to find someone else at your age. Are you so desperate that you would settle for this just to have a man by your side?

 

God, how bad was the other guy? LOL.

[medigirl]

The other guy wasn't that bad but he was childish. When he clearly had a problem or concern on his mind I always had to ask several times until he finally told me. I find that extremely childish. He should've just told me like an adult and not let me ask him several times to speak up and tell me what's on his mind. I really got fed up with that. And he also seemed a bit needy after like 2 months in but that was not such a big problem.

 

I don't know, he might have changed or gotten more relaxed in time but I could not look at him anymore like in the beginning. So breaking up with him had nothing to do with getting back together with my old boyfriend.

 

About what has been commented here: Honestly I do agree with everyone here. I just don't know what to do. I feel very attached to him and just can't say no. I honestly have no idea why. I also don't think he will leave.

 

Some months ago (when he was leaving me alone) I actually found an inner peace and balance I have never experienced. I met new friends and reconnected with a few old ones that I lost because during the last few years I had to distance myself from all my friends because it would always lead to an argument with him when I went out with them.

 

I really did not expect to ever get back with him again. I was 100% sure I don't care about him anymore. Until he showed up.

 

So I don't know what to do. I'm stuck here. I can't leave town. Can't get a new job right now (due to contract) and I'm pretty much alone when it comes to family.

 

I really can't start over somewhere new. I just can't. As bad as he is, he's still the only companion I had the past few years and most times are actually good so I don't know what to do.

Edited October 19, 2016 by medigirl

[Zahara]

As bad as he is, he's still the only companion I had the past few years and most times are actually good so I don't know what to do.

 

There is no justification for taking back a scumbag, lying, cheating, lazy ass ex. You don't know how to be independent? So desperate to have a companion that you'll look past shytt behavior just to have someone in your life to keep you company?

 

Most times are actually good? Take the rose colored glasses off. He has failed when it comes to having fundamental values in a relationship. Set your standards higher.

[dreamingoftigers]

The other guy wasn't that bad but he was childish. When he clearly had a problem or concern on his mind I always had to ask several times until he finally told me. I find that extremely childish. He should've just told me like an adult and not let me ask him several times to speak up and tell me what's on his mind. I really got fed up with that. And he also seemed a bit needy after like 2 months in but that was not such a big problem.

 

I don't know, he might have changed or gotten more relaxed in time but I could not look at him anymore like in the beginning. So breaking up with him had nothing to do with getting back together with my old boyfriend.

 

About what has been commented here: Honestly I do agree with everyone here. I just don't know what to do. I feel very attached to him and just can't say no. I honestly have no idea why. I also don't think he will leave.

 

Some months ago (when he was leaving me alone) I actually found an inner peace and balance I have never experienced. I met new friends and reconnected with a few old ones that I lost because during the last few years I had to distance myself from all my friends because it would always lead to an argument with him when I went out with them.

 

I really did not expect to ever get back with him again. I was 100% sure I don't care about him anymore. Until he showed up.

 

So I don't know what to do. I'm stuck here. I can't leave town. Can't get a new job right now (due to contract) and I'm pretty much alone when it comes to family.

 

I really can't start over somewhere new. I just can't. As bad as he is, he's still the only companion I had the past few years and most times are actually good so I don't know what to do.

There it is, you believe that you CAN'T say no.

 

Why is that?

 

Why CAN'T you?

 

He could say no to you.

He can't say no to other girls.

 

Why can't you say no to him?

 

By the way, he would NEVER tolerate the same behaviour from you that you do from him. Think about that.

 

It doesn't make you "nicer" or "stronger" or "more wonderful" to him.

 

To him, it means you deserve whatever you get. And if (WHEN) you get cheated on by him, he knows that "you know the game."

 

He will cheat on you again. Just like my husband will cheat on me again.

 

Because cheaters just don't give a rat's arse about anyone.

[RecentChange]

Well this will end badly. You made the poor choices, and will suffer their consequences.

[hippychick3]

Go back to all your posts and change "can't" to "won't."

 

You're a grown woman. Such a cop out. Of course you "can" say no. It may be very hard, but you absolutely CAN. The truth is that you WON'T. Take responsibility for your actions.

[dreamingoftigers]

My point was, yes, you can say no to him.

 

Even if you miss him.

 

Even if it's uncomfortable.

 

Even if you will cry and have a hard time letting go.

 

You can say no to him so that he doesn't hurt you again.

 

Which he very most likely will.

[Buddhist]

This is not forgiveness, this is signing up for more of the same. He told you what you wanted to hear to get his way. It's what they all do. Anyone is going to pursue and fight for someone once they've lost interest in playing the game. it's not some sign from the heavens that at last you are worthy or that he has changed. He's merely playing the game to keep you on the hook. I will bet money that if you got your hands on his phone today you would find evidence that he is still in relationship with other women despite everything he is telling you.

Edited October 20, 2016 by Buddhist

[oldshirt]

I've been on this site for 5 years and have made over 7,000 posts. I don't believe I have ever said this before, but some people really do deserve what they get when they keep putting their hand in the fire again and again and again.

 

Go back to him. Let him abuse you some more. move in with him so you can support him while he doesn't work. Keep having sex with him while he is covered in other women's skank.

 

Keep putting your hand in the fire and keep getting burned. Keep getting burned because maybe, just maybe, you will realize that the pain gets old and you don't want to do it any more.

 

But if you never reach that point and you never get tired of it, then it is your choice.

 

Just don't expect a lot of tears or much sympathy from anyone or any other advice other than, "stop putting your hand in the fire."

 

Some people are too far gone and cannot be helped.

 

When they know what they are in for and they go along with it anyway, they deserve what they get.

[PinkPampies]

The most fulfilling and satisfying things I've ever done is leave and not look back when in a similar situation...

 

It will not change. It will not be different this time.

 

Gather your strength and leave for good. It will be one of the most self fulfilling and strengthening things you've done and will shape your future into who you are and what you're willing to accept and not.

[medigirl]

I just wanted to give a final update of what happened.

 

After much deliberation I have now finally decided to forgive and get back with him.

 

Well, I didn't genuinely "forgive" him. I have instead deiced to simply forget and get past of what has happened in the past and never bring it up again. I don't have the time and energy to deal with that now.

 

The last few weeks have been a bit rough. We got into a fight 3 weeks ago because he was still messaging back and forth with a girl he had met earlier this year. He told me she was a loose end and he'll get rid of her.

 

After that I told him I need time to think about it and we did not meet for the next 3 weeks.

 

He still does not have a job after 2 months but I told him he needs to fix that himself and that I will not help him.

 

He will cheat again in the future but seems to be determined to be with me in a relationship because we are just too attached together after so much time and we also complement each other. I just don't want to know about it in the future anymore if it happens, and to be completely honest, unless I know about it, I don't really care anymore... If he does it he should do it in secret from now on.

 

This decision is because I do not think I will have the patience and energy to meet new people. My horrible job is super stressing, I barely sleep and have even out-of-job assignments I need to attend to. Sometimes I even work 12+ hours per day (and sometimes even 36! - no joke) and I doubt any new guy will accept this... the previous guy who I was with this summer also started to be dissatisfied with this. So it would not have worked with him anyway... I don't have time to meet a large number of new people to maybe find one that is fully understanding. I'm not a very outgoing person anyway, so even if I would have time the chances would be very low.

 

With him at least I know it will be fine, because we were together 4 years. No new surprises. It's as good as it gets.

 

I know people will disagree with me but it's my decision. This is the decision I'm emotionally more attracted to.

Edited November 8, 2016 by medigirl

[l8estnews]

I know people will disagree with me but it's my decision. This is the decision I'm emotionally more attracted to.

 

I am sorry but at 29 yo, you are still very naive. But again, it's your life. At least you made your own choice and whatever the outcome may be. You can find peace that this was your choice.

 

Good luck! (You really need this)

Edited November 8, 2016 by l8estnews
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