[UPDATE] Ex-gf of 4 yrs sending mixed signals

[leepetrus]

tl;dr: Broke up 4 months ago. Barely talked since then. Tried to rekindle after 1,5 months. She sends mixed signals like texts saying she misses me, adds me again on facebook just to block me right after. Says she needs space and does not love me anymore every time I approach her even just as friends. What should I do?

 

 

Hey guys.

 

 

So I was with this girl for 4 years. We are both 23 now and we've been together almost through the whole college. We had plans on marrying a few years from now and moving together as soon as we had money and stability. She was perfect in every sense and we made a great couple, rarely fought/had discussion.

 

 

However, the last 6 months of the relationship were hell. We broke up 4 months ago, beginning of December, because we were fighting every single time we hung out, for stupid reasons. She never said what she wanted and kept waiting for me to guess everything she wanted, and when I didn't reach her expectations, she would freak out.

 

 

I started my own company in the beginning of the last year and started neglecting her and things went south from there. Basically I couldn't take the pressure from my family being totally dysfunctional, my ex-gf demanding attention all the time while my own company was failing. I initiated the break-up and we barely spoke since then.

 

 

She blocked me on all social medias. We spoke two or three times after that, because we had a 4th year anniversary trip scheduled to February and needed to solve details, and we ended up going our separate ways then.

She hung out with one of my best buddies (important detail) two times afterwards, in order to whine about me, telling him that I was the man of her life, and that she doubted that I would ever come back to apologize and try to rekindle things. That was on middle January (10th-11th).

 

 

Fast forward...

 

 

1 week after she came back from her trip (February 27rd), I sent her a handwritten apology/closure letter saying that I loved her, she was the women of my life, that I had changed would like to start over, but if she did not wanted that, I would totally understand and leave her alone.

To which she answered almost immediately via e-mail, saying that she needed space to herself and telling me to move on, because she was so hurt after everything that happened between us. Said she wanted to be by herself and needed no one in her life. She stated one day we would be great friends, but not now, as she needed to heal from these bad memories. Ok, no hard feelings, I realized I made a mistake and I'll move on. Hope you'll be happy someday.

 

 

Fast forward one month, March 27th. I checked her social media profile and she put on a link to her personal blog in her bio. There she had written a few texts about letting go of the hurt, magical love nights but about most of them were about me, clearly, because she answered directly to many things I had written on my letter. In one of them said she missed me, that we were like in a movie, that it was destiny, but reality had hit us and yada yada. In another one, she said that she was moving on and told me to move on. In another one, she said she felt like in a videogame and wasn't sure if she should keep playing or not. In another one, she mentioned things that we used to love to do together and how she missed it.

 

 

I took that as a sign to try and contact her and sent an e-mail with no romantic intentions whatsoever, just asking her what was up and inviting for a coffee simply as friends. She answered almost the same way as before: telling me that she was still hurt, that the letter I sent before hurt her even more because it was a gesture of love done too late. She said wanted to be by herself and was learning to love herself but every single time she heard about me, she remembered about all that hurt. So I should stop looking for her, that she didn't love me anymore, to stop trying to contact her because nothing good will ever come of it. Once again, she stated that we would be friends, but she needed to forget about all the painful memories. So I apologized once again, told her I wasn't going to try and contact her anymore and hopefully she would be happy in her own path. That was about 14 days ago.

 

 

Fast forward to now. Last Thursday she hung out with one of my best friends out of the blue. The same buddy as before. To which made me angry because go get your own friends goddammit! But this time she brought some guy she is going out with. When questioned about me by my friend, she said she believed we would be friends eventually.

 

 

On last Friday (day after) she added me on Facebook again. I was confused to whether I should accept or not, because after all, she told me she didn't want to talk to me nor even know anything about me. So I left it sitting there for two days. But when my buddy told me about their hangout and the other guy, on saturday, I got so furious about she hanging out with my buddy and bringing another man that I rejected it.

 

 

But today I thought about it better and told myself there was no reason at all to act immature. She should be happy, with or without me. No hard feelings. So I went to her profile and sent a Facebook friend request this morning. All was normal.

 

 

I checked it again now and though I can find her profile name in the Search Bar, I can't go IN her profile and see her timeline or whatsoever. It just redirects me to my own homepage. So searched about it and asked a friend to check it and it looks normal to him, which means the problem is directly with me. She may have blocked me again or excluded me from seeing her details in her privacy settings tab.

 

 

Why would she add me if she does not want to talk to me anymore or even know anything about me? Even if she wanted to be friends, I guess 14 days its not time enough to heal these so bad memories, isn't it? Furthermore, now that I added her again, why on earth would she block me ahain if she wanted to add mein the first place? If she wanted to show off her new boy and how good her life is now, wouldn't she do the exact opposite thing and actually show off the things she is doing?

 

 

What does she want? Does she want to talk? Just be friends? Keep tabs on me?

 

 

Though I love her, I'm really trying to move on with my life, because as far as what she told me, I think I don't stand a chance at all after I **** up. But it has been so hard since she has been sending this weird signals. IMO her actions do not agree with her words. But maybe I'm trying to hold onto to a silver lining.

Anyway, I'd appreciate some light on this dark tunnel I've been wandering in.

Edited April 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[PegNosePete]

tl;dr: Broke up 4 months ago. Barely talked since then. Tried to rekindle after 1,5 months. She sends mixed signals like texts saying she misses me, adds me again on facebook just to block me right after. Says she needs space and does not love me anymore every time I approach her even just as friends. What should I do?

Her actions are not mixed signals at all. These actions are not those of someone who wants to rekindle a relationship. They are those of someone who is done with the relationship, with a light sprinkling of crazy.

 

You should enter into NC and begin the process of moving on from this relationship.

[privategal]

You cant give this girl your thoughts and energy. You cant be friends...if your employer fired you, would you still go to work? Kinda the same thing.

Block her on FB too.

These are games.

Be done with it.

Do you really want to have a front seat to her and her new boyfriend?

Do you really need drama in your life.

Shes not even mature nor sincere.

She got together with your friend to LET you know shes got a new man and also yes...you are RIGHT...get your own friends.

That was extremely shallow and insensitive of her.

It shows her character and Id be glad shes gone, Id ask your friends to NEVER bring her up to you..if she contacts them, ask them to NOT tell you.

Block her on text, email, fb...everywhere.

Its summer and a great time to be single.

This girl is a total scheming insecure selfish JERK...and I am a girl.

I can see her games a mile away and its not a good look for her and you need to not respond, to go dark...be clear with your friends you are done and want no updates about her and that if they choose to speak to her you dont want her having any updates on you.

Its time to move on...you dodged a MAJOR bullet.

Let the new guy have her drama now ewe...your too good for her.

Rearrange your room and delete all old texts, pics, her contact info.

Be serious shes a waste of mental space.

[leepetrus]

You cant give this girl your thoughts and energy. You cant be friends...if your employer fired you, would you still go to work? Kinda the same thing.

Block her on FB too.

These are games.

Be done with it.

Do you really want to have a front seat to her and her new boyfriend?

Do you really need drama in your life.

Shes not even mature nor sincere.

She got together with your friend to LET you know shes got a new man and also yes...you are RIGHT...get your own friends.

That was extremely shallow and insensitive of her.

It shows her character and Id be glad shes gone, Id ask your friends to NEVER bring her up to you..if she contacts them, ask them to NOT tell you.

Block her on text, email, fb...everywhere.

Its summer and a great time to be single.

This girl is a total scheming insecure selfish JERK...and I am a girl.

I can see her games a mile away and its not a good look for her and you need to not respond, to go dark...be clear with your friends you are done and want no updates about her and that if they choose to speak to her you dont want her having any updates on you.

Its time to move on...you dodged a MAJOR bullet.

Let the new guy have her drama now ewe...your too good for her.

Rearrange your room and delete all old texts, pics, her contact info.

Be serious shes a waste of mental space.

 

I really don't want to witness all of her new boyfriend, and certainly don't need any drama in my life, as I'm still trying to recover from the failure of my company and trying to get a new direction in my life.

 

The thing that hurts me the most about she hanging out with my friend is that she was never friends with him to begin with. Until the breakup. They never even exchanged a couple of words. But he told me that now and then they exchange a few messages on Facebook. That really gives the feeling that she is doing that just to get it to me.

 

It's just so hard to believe that she would go out of her way to just to let me know she got a new man. It is really shallow and disappointing.

 

I have been crystal clear with her and I'm rally a no bull**** type of guy. Part of me try to hold on to what we have and tries to read to signs on what she says. Is just really hard to believe that she would move on so fast and become the type of person who plays games like this.

 

I'm starting NC and am thinking about deactivating Facebook for a while and go completely off the radar and silent.

[leepetrus]

Her actions are not mixed signals at all. These actions are not those of someone who wants to rekindle a relationship. They are those of someone who is done with the relationship, with a light sprinkling of crazy.

 

You should enter into NC and begin the process of moving on from this relationship.

 

I really don't want to witness all of her new boyfriend, and certainly don't need any drama in my life, as I'm still trying to recover from the failure of my company and trying to get a new direction in my life.

 

The thing that hurts me the most about she hanging out with my friend is that she was never friends with him to begin with. Until the breakup. They never even exchanged a couple of words. But he told me that now and then they exchange a few messages on Facebook. That really gives the feeling that she is doing that just to get it to me.

 

It's just so hard to believe that she would go out of her way to just to let me know she got a new man. It is really shallow and disappointing.

 

I have been crystal clear with her and I'm really a no bull**** type of guy. Part of me try to hold on to what we have and tries to read to signs on what she says. Is just really hard to believe that she would move on so fast and become the type of person who plays games like this.

 

I'm starting NC and am thinking about deactivating Facebook for a while and go completely off the radar and silent.

[privategal]

Off the radar and silent is a GREAT idea.

Also...is this guy even a FRIEND messaging and hanging with your ex?

Thats disrespectful, Id get rid of him too.

You have to go through the business failure to get stronger.

Dont be discouraged.

Clearly this joke of a girl hasnt moved on since shes still so obviously interested in hanging with YOUR friends and feels the need to make sure you get updates on her life.

If she was so moved on and happy, you wouldnt even be a blip on her radar.

She would be focused on her new life and not playing games.

She showed her true colors, is total drama and I wouldnt ever consider being her aquaintance or getting back with her, she shows no class or self respect and is the type to not be happy unless she has a guy to validate her and boost her ego.

This girl is not a good girl and Id block her everywhere and be glad you are done with her.

So immature and transparent.

Your too good for that.

Your business might have not worked out but at least you were brave enough to try.

That says alot about you.

Go dark and figure out your next steps, focus on your career and regrouping and rebuilding.

You will be just FINE I know it.

Your self esteem took a hit so you are more sensitive to her seeming to do well and she really isnt.

Its all for appearances.

Make her dead to you, you dont need this emotional baggage of some sneaky ex.

[leepetrus]

So I just confronted my friend about it and he apologized, says there's no way he would let such a thing ruin our friendship and he's going to back off.

 

He also says he got the feeling that she did it just to get it to me. That's bad.

 

Also I am on no contact since the last e-mail I sent her and seeing other people. Hopefully she won't try to contact any other of my friends!

 

I guess the hardest part of all of this is try to figure out what's wrong with her in order to do such contradictory things. Why on earth would she add me just to block me? Guess people can be really messed up in the head sometimes. I just checked it again her profile and it seems I can't access it at all in order to block her, so right now I'm in a sort of a "limbo". Can't do anything about it... *sighs*

[PegNosePete]

I guess the hardest part of all of this is try to figure out what's wrong with her in order to do such contradictory things. Why on earth would she add me just to block me?

No. The hardest part is NOT to think about all those things. Because they are irrelevant, and thinking about them keeps you hooked on the past. You need to let those questions go, and look to the future.

 

Guess people can be really messed up in the head sometimes.

Yes, that's about as good an answer, and as close to "closure", as you'll get.

[privategal]

So I just confronted my friend about it and he apologized, says there's no way he would let such a thing ruin our friendship and he's going to back off.

 

He also says he got the feeling that she did it just to get it to me. That's bad.

 

Also I am on no contact since the last e-mail I sent her and seeing other people. Hopefully she won't try to contact any other of my friends!

 

I guess the hardest part of all of this is try to figure out what's wrong with her in order to do such contradictory things. Why on earth would she add me just to block me? Guess people can be really messed up in the head sometimes. I just checked it again her profile and it seems I can't access it at all in order to block her, so right now I'm in a sort of a "limbo". Can't do anything about it... *sighs*

 

I thought you were deleting your fb profile? Let her play all the games with fb and blocking she wants...dissapear who CARES what she does, you are above all that. Close that email too.

[leepetrus]

Just did it! Deactivated my Facebook account!

 

Damn, it was hard. But now its gone for good. Asked friends never to mention her name again.

 

Thank you so far, guys. It's been of great help. I thought I was the crazy one of this situation, but I'm glad to know that I'm not!

 

Also, I've had some good talk with my older cousin today, who is sort of my mentor/guru, and now I'm heading on a new direction! Tomorrow I'm coming back to work!

 

I also just got out of the gym and paid my monthly subscription for the next few months. Also bought new parts for my bike and tomorrow I'm heading to work on my bike! So I'm back on track to new, better version of me. I'm doing this for myself and for my own sake.

 

I'm just tired of staying home all day depressed for past 2 months. I've been smoking almost 2 packs of cigarettes a day, doing nothing but mindlessly surfing on the internet, playing the guitar and eating. I'm so done with that!

[swang]

Hey man, read your story and I gotta say, a lot of it resembles my own. Age, reasonings, timeline, aftermath etc. I made the choice to NC a lot earlier than you, because I didn't want to deal with the mixed signals anymore. Here are some things I've learned based on my experience...

 

The signals won't stop, she will try to somehow reach you. As long as you ignore it, it will eventually become irrelevant.

 

You'll have good weeks and bad weeks. On the bad weeks, you'll second guess your decision hard. Try not to give into it, and just allow yourself to feel your emotions.

 

There's no going back at this point. Realize that before you go NC, you still had a slight chance of getting back together, at the high risk of getting hurt badly. Once you go NC, there's not much you can do anymore unless she directly said she wants to get back. Even if that did happen, don't get back because you miss each other.

 

Best of luck, you'll heal, you'll be depressed, but she won't be able to let you down again.

[leepetrus]

Hey man, read your story and I gotta say, a lot of it resembles my own. Age, reasonings, timeline, aftermath etc. I made the choice to NC a lot earlier than you, because I didn't want to deal with the mixed signals anymore. Here are some things I've learned based on my experience...

 

The signals won't stop, she will try to somehow reach you. As long as you ignore it, it will eventually become irrelevant.

 

You'll have good weeks and bad weeks. On the bad weeks, you'll second guess your decision hard. Try not to give into it, and just allow yourself to feel your emotions.

 

There's no going back at this point. Realize that before you go NC, you still had a slight chance of getting back together, at the high risk of getting hurt badly. Once you go NC, there's not much you can do anymore unless she directly said she wants to get back. Even if that did happen, don't get back because you miss each other.

 

Best of luck, you'll heal, you'll be depressed, but she won't be able to let you down again.

 

Damn. I'm starting to think that this is normal. Why they go such a lenght to mess up with our heads? You know, what hurts the most is the fact that if its done for, its done for, just don't send mixed signals. It hurts already when we know when can't fix things up. Even more when you want to move on but they wont let it...

 

I asked my buddy today and he told me that more or less the same thing happened to him... His ex-gf hung out with one of his mates, and when he confronted her about it, she told him she had to done it to get to him. Pitiful...

 

How long have you been on NC? How did you work yourself through it? How long has it been? Are you ok right now?

[privategal]

Someone who is a stand up girl would not interfere with your friends, any logical person knows that is a hurtful twisted thing to do.

Your next step (your taking so many awwsome ones) is to stop asking why, stop thinking of her or seeking the answers. It doesnt matter now.

Its normal to feel a permanent scar and to still feel shocked and heavy at times, but try to get away from giving her your thoughts and time.

Her actions were really shady, her ability to jump into another relationship and make sure you found out was really telling of her character.

You do not need her as a friend.

Going stone cold dark NC and getting busy are going to help heal so much.

You dont need her involvement in your life. You showed maturity and strength not to be calling, texting, writing.

Its gonna hurt her big ego when she tries to creep you on fb and you arent there waiting for her friend request.

Youve moved on.

Allow not one path back to you...make sure she is blocked everywhere cause girls like her like to test the water with breadcrumbs for ego strokes. She will look for a way to contact but for HERSELF not for you.

She already tried to manipulate.

Closing that FB was awesome. In a few days you will feel so much more free, its only weird for a day or two FB is LAME anyways....so proud of you, I can tell you are gonna have a great summer!!

[leepetrus]

Someone who is a stand up girl would not interfere with your friends, any logical person knows that is a hurtful twisted thing to do.

Your next step (your taking so many awwsome ones) is to stop asking why, stop thinking of her or seeking the answers. It doesnt matter now.

Its normal to feel a permanent scar and to still feel shocked and heavy at times, but try to get away from giving her your thoughts and time.

Her actions were really shady, her ability to jump into another relationship and make sure you found out was really telling of her character.

You do not need her as a friend.

Going stone cold dark NC and getting busy are going to help heal so much.

You dont need her involvement in your life. You showed maturity and strength not to be calling, texting, writing.

Its gonna hurt her big ego when she tries to creep you on fb and you arent there waiting for her friend request.

Youve moved on.

Allow not one path back to you...make sure she is blocked everywhere cause girls like her like to test the water with breadcrumbs for ego strokes. She will look for a way to contact but for HERSELF not for you.

She already tried to manipulate.

Closing that FB was awesome. In a few days you will feel so much more free, its only weird for a day or two FB is LAME anyways....so proud of you, I can tell you are gonna have a great summer!!

It is better already. I kind of feel socially dislocated by now. Its just as awkward as you say. Buddy mentioned beforehand came to check up on me and asked why I deleted facebook. I changed subjects.

Part of silly me still thinks I should keep it to show how good I am doing, but I really need this time alone.

 

@Privategal

For your kind words you are a beautiful person, and I thank you for that. It has helped me so much you have no idea. You have literally given the strength to get out of bed and stop smoking (24h so far!) and go back to work.

On what you said about girls... I guess I might be just naive, but I'm astonished.You women know how to be manipulative and cruel sometimes. Every time it surprises me how can people do things like this, consciously or not, in order to get it to us.

[privategal]

Aweee!! I am SO EXCITED I responded to your thread and helped you!! But....YOU helped you...you already had the strength, you just needed a push to regroup.

So, so many nice girls that I know...trust me theres good girls out there..but YES theres bad ones too.

And when your heart and feelings are involved its SO hard to see how you are being played.

Stay strong and tough.

You are a STUD!

Remember that!

[LD1990]

Damn. I'm starting to think that this is normal. Why they go such a lenght to mess up with our heads? You know, what hurts the most is the fact that if its done for, its done for, just don't send mixed signals. It hurts already when we know when can't fix things up. Even more when you want to move on but they wont let it...

 

It's extremely rare for an ex to do something simply to mess with your head. The purpose is usually to fulfill the ex's own selfish desires, whether or not it messes with your head is simply a consequence that matters little to that person.

 

An ex may send mixed signals to keep you around as a fallback option. Or it may be to satisfy their own ego, knowing that you still pine for them. Or it may be to avoid any feelings of guilt that come with being the one to declare that it's over. Or, it could be all of the above. My ex was seeing someone else immediately after we broke up, but still sending me mixed signals. When I stopped trying to win her back, she told me "obviously you don't want this to work anymore otherwise you'd try harder." She had to put the blame on me to satisfy her image of herself in her own little warped reality.

 

It's important to remember that once you break up, you and that person are no longer partners and you're certainly not friends. Most people have a very selfish mindset after a break up, and it's all about their own needs, at least in terms of interactions with an ex. So it can be confusing when all of a sudden a person who cared about you so much seems to be messing with your head. Actually, that person is just acting in their own self interest and doesn't care how that affects you, because you no longer matter to them.

[swang]

Damn. I'm starting to think that this is normal. Why they go such a lenght to mess up with our heads? You know, what hurts the most is the fact that if its done for, its done for, just don't send mixed signals. It hurts already when we know when can't fix things up. Even more when you want to move on but they wont let it...

 

I asked my buddy today and he told me that more or less the same thing happened to him... His ex-gf hung out with one of his mates, and when he confronted her about it, she told him she had to done it to get to him. Pitiful...

 

How long have you been on NC? How did you work yourself through it? How long has it been? Are you ok right now?

 

I think it just comes to the fact that many people don't know what they want at our age. It's not that they are purposely messing with our head, but they are actually confused themselves. I try not to think of the person as intentionally trying to hurt others.

 

I've been in nc for about 2 months or so, and broken up for 4.5 months. I was lucky to have family and friends helped me through the worst phases. On top of that, I had many contracts that filled up my time. Week days go by super fast, and weekends are by far the most difficult. Exercising helped a lot to balance out the emotions.

 

I'm far from being my normal self, but way better than 2 months ago. I've had many step backs, dreams of her, her name showing up somewhere, or just people talking about her. Each time I just learn to deal with it. This has been one of those bad weeks, random anxiety and depression. Only difference this time is, I know it's going to pass.

[leepetrus]

I think it just comes to the fact that many people don't know what they want at our age. It's not that they are purposely messing with our head, but they are actually confused themselves. I try not to think of the person as intentionally trying to hurt others.

 

It's extremely rare for an ex to do something simply to mess with your head. The purpose is usually to fulfill the ex's own selfish desires, whether or not it messes with your head is simply a consequence that matters little to that person.

 

This cannot be stressed enough. I guess this is the real answer. No ones really caring about what the other person is feeling or going through, but they are worried about themselves and how they themselves feel. We project our own desires in this. I suppose is a normal defense mechanism of our minds to villanize our exes when they make us suffer. This go both ways - as I made her suffer from breaking up with her, she is also turning me into a monster for the moment. I am also turning her into a monster by telling myself and other that she is messed up in the head because she's not acting the way I'm expecting.

 

Time, calmness of mind, perspective and distance can make you look things with different eyes and walk a mile on each others shoes. At this point, I'm not even trying to rekindle things anymore. Sometimes I play a conversation inside my head and imagine what would it be if we bumped into each other eventually. Or how would this conversation go.

 

It's true that one wouldn't have bad intentions - one's actions are justified by what they thought it is right and good for themselves. A serial killer would never say they did their crimes based solely on hatred or desire to harm other people. Instead, they would say society or messed up families have made them this way, and they're just trying their best to cope with it.

 

When I stopped trying to win her back, she told me "obviously you don't want this to work anymore otherwise you'd try harder." She had to put the blame on me to satisfy her image of herself in her own little warped reality.

 

Some people are like this - you have to put blame on other people in order make you feel good about yourself, or at least not to feel bad about yourself. As far as my buddy told me from their conversations, my ex basically can't realize also she that had a part on this play, and blames me for pretty much everything when it went south. She can't see the pressure she was putting for her to be the center of my universe was driving me mad, how her actions demanding attention were childish. When my world was crumbling down all I wanted was a hug and words like "I know it's bad. But I'm here for you." and not "Everything is going to be alright, you've got it easy".

 

The difference between both is sympathy and empathy. Sympathy is not to relate, but instead say "everything is going to be alright" and try and show silver linings on everything. It does not require you to connect to other person, but instead keep a safe perspective from outside where, theoretically, you can see "clearer".

 

The latter is what this community is all about: relating on a deeper level, and not only showing silver linings, but embracing the suffering and holding people closer like one would say "I've been through this. I know it's bad. I'm here with you." That's why Loveshack is so amazing: the support, the connections and relations between the people who post are incredibly powerful. I meant it when I wrote that you guys literally gave me the strength to get out of that pitiful sorry state to get myself out there again.

 

 

Each time I just learn to deal with it. This has been one of those bad weeks, random anxiety and depression. Only difference this time is, I know it's going to pass.

 

So glad you're exercising. It goes long way, and helps you have a better self image. Have you tried journaling? I have been doing this everyday for the past 2 months and it has helped me a lot. It's important to vent somewhere, I guess...

[leepetrus]

[]

 

So I followed most of the advice on the last topic and let my life go on. Everything was going on pretty much great. I met a ton of new people, got laid, started working out again, stopped smoking and drinking heavily.

 

I noticed that she was blocking and unblocking back and forth, on all social medias - one week blocked, one week unblocked. Tried not to give much mind to it. Though it was bothering me, I thought it would show lack of maturity from my part if I reacted angrily and never did it back to her.

 

Last week my father asked me out of the blue what would I do if I met her - would I try and talk to her, work things out or end it for good?

 

I said I wouldn't meet her because she wouldn't want that, as she specifically asked me before not to force things. Apart from that, I said, meeting her would only hurt me because she already said she wants nothing with me anymore, and as far as I heard from a mutual friend, she had a couple fwbs.

 

I kindly asked him not to mention her again because it hurts me to think about it. He agreed. But it got me thinking why would he ask that. So I asked him about.

 

He told me that he has been speaking with her frequently.

 

I reacted with an angry "WTF?!". First he tried to cool me off saying it was just about his illness, as he just won a battle over intestinal cancer. But I knew there was more than that, so upon a little more pressure he spilled the beans and told me she told him she wanted to meet me to talk.

 

Another loud "WTF?!" later, he explained that he didn't want to say anything that would give me false hopes. This time, I furiously confronted him about it, and told him that by talking to him, she was still part of my life indirectly.

Not only that, I said, but:

1-What she said to him not necessarily reflects the truth, as maybe she is just being too polite to cut things off for good and wants to give me emotional bread crumbles;

2-Even if she wanted to meet, I wouldn't go because I don't want to listen a third time that she is over me, that I better not look for her and yada yada yada...

 

Long story short, here are the things he replied:

-Not to jump to conclusions, to get on with my life and try not to sweat about it;

-That she is still hurt and thinks about me as much as I do think about her, and that in last stance, woman and man tend to do and say things they don't really believe in when they are emotionally unstable;

-Told me not to be a coward, to face it, to stop creating expectations, and whether for good or bad, go and talk to her and stop being emotionally unstable, because that's a kid attitude;

-That she told him much more, but there's no way he would tell me what;

-Not to call her, but instead, wait for her to give me a call.

 

So that's it. I have no idea what the hell should I do right now. Should I give her a call? I'm not really keen to this idea, as I don't want another kick in the ass again. I just want to let it go and not be waiting for her again. I want to move on, but this situation is making me hard not to hang on to a silver lining.

 

TL;DR: Ex-GF has been talking to my father behind me back, says she wants to talk to me and meet me. Father told me not to call her and be patient. He told me she said a lot of things, but the man won't tell me what. I want to move on and don't want to keep false hopes, but it has been hard. What do I do?

Edited May 25, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed link to merged thread ~6

[d0nnivain]

Listen to your father. Don't call her. If she finally has the maturity to speak to you in person, hear her out but don't make any rash decisions. Do what is best for you. However, if all of the problems that caused you to break up have not been fixed there is no point in going back. FWIW, you can't fix much in 4 months.

[Satu]

snip

So that's it. I have no idea what the hell should I do right now. Should I give her a call? *I'm not really keen to this idea, as I don't want another kick in the ass again. I just want to let it go and not be waiting for her again. I want to move on, but this situation is making me hard not to hang on to a silver lining.

 

TL;DR: Ex-GF has been talking to my father behind me back, says she wants to talk to me and meet me. Father told me not to call her and be patient. He told me she said a lot of things, but the man won't tell me what. I want to move on and don't want to keep false hopes, but it has been hard. *What do I do?

 

Don't be pushed into something you don't want to do.

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

[leepetrus]

So, I talked to me father again.

Asked him if he is still talking to her again after I asked him not to.

 

He said last night he, his wife and my ex-gf went out to dinner.

 

So basically she said the exact same thing she told me before on the e-mails - she don't love me anymore, she does respect me, but there's no way we could go back together. She said she was still hurt from what I did to her and that she hoped I could find myself and be happy in the future.

 

After hearing that, I just decided that I've enough of this drama and hurt. I blocked her on all social medias and just deleted all of our photos. There's absolutely nothing left. Not even in backups.

[privategal]

I am so proud if you.

I think you should let your family know you want zero contact and that they need to do the same.

I cant even imagine keeping in touch with an ex's family and going to dinner etc.

Im not exactly sure why your father thinks thats ok...but I would tell him in no uncertain terms it is hurtful to you and you'd like him to stop.

Also...Im a firm believer in strict NC but if you think this ex of yours isnt 100% clear you are d-o-n-e and want zero future calls or communication with you or your family...maybe express that to her and ask her to please move on from all of you...then block her immediately so she is unable to reply.

Its out of hand now as its interrupting your healing.

[leepetrus]

I am so proud if you.

I think you should let your family know you want zero contact and that they need to do the same.

I cant even imagine keeping in touch with an ex's family and going to dinner etc.

Im not exactly sure why your father thinks thats ok...but I would tell him in no uncertain terms it is hurtful to you and you'd like him to stop.

Also...Im a firm believer in strict NC but if you think this ex of yours isnt 100% clear you are d-o-n-e and want zero future calls or communication with you or your family...maybe express that to her and ask her to please move on from all of you...then block her immediately so she is unable to reply.

Its out of hand now as its interrupting your healing.

 

Thank you. This past week wasn't nowhere as hard as the first ones during the original post. I had me some downs, though.

I did ask him not to talk to her and told him it was hurting me, but he said he won't stop. I have no idea why he keeps doing that, but I'm going to ask him about him once more today.

 

However, I did give up on being fazed by anything related to it. I'm putting so much effort right now on myself, work, friends and my own well being that I'm trying hard no to mind it anymore.

 

She still comes up to my mind from time to time, though. It hurts how she doesn't even want to talk or see me after everything. But I guess that's it. I mean, some things end and we don't really see any explanation or continuation to it. She did give up on blocking and unblocking, though.

[ASG]

I did ask him not to talk to her and told him it was hurting me, but he said he won't stop. I have no idea why he keeps doing that, but I'm going to ask him about him once more today.

 

 

Because it has nothing to do with you.

 

What you can and SHOULD do, and he should respect, is ask him to not mention he has been keeping contact with her, and also maintain your privacy by not talking to her about you.

 

Which is what I do with my brother's ex. He wants nothing to do with her (he wanted her back, she didn't, she wants to be friends and he doesn't want it). So we talk, we meet, I don't tell him and I never mention him to her, apart from, maybe, a "yeah, he's fine".

 

Your dad should have the same relationship, if he wants to keep in touch with her and make it about HIM, and not about YOU.