If anyone is interested how "the second chance" is going

[Perro_azul]

I posted here before about my ex bf reaching out to me after almost 2 months of no contact or limited contact, telling me he missed me and wants to take it slowly, try to be friends and see how it goes.

 

So I've decided to follow his plan and we started talking. We talk every day, just chatting about work, what's going on in our lives. It's been almost a month since we started "taking it slowly". And so far it doesn't go anywhere. I did notice that he warmed up to me and he initiates contact in most cases, keeps the lines of communication open, we joke and slightly flirt (I guess), he brings up good moments from the past, but that's about it. Recently, I asked him if he wanted to go to a cat show with me, he said "I'll pass, but thanks". He doesn't offer to hang out, we just see each other at work like once a day.

Honestly, I don't know how long I will be able to continue like this.

One day, I'm perfectly fine with whatever is going on, relaxed and don't overthink; another day I feel like my brain's gonna explode from all these thoughts that I can't share with him. I've already composed an imaginary letter, where I would explain how this is not working for me, but I can't find the courage to bring it on. Also, as we are talking, I'm starting to realize that maybe he was right about us not being compatible, like we have slightly different values and lifestyles. I'm trying to go on with my life, not sit at home waiting for him to text me, go out, not make him a priority.

 

I'm not really looking for any advice, I just wanted to vent and update whoever is interested in how it goes when you try to be friends with your ex and end up in the gray area. You have to have a LOT of emotional strength to go through with this. You have to be ready to embrace uncertainty and deal with stress every day. You have no control whatsoever over the outcome.

Edited February 9, 2016 by Perro_azul

[Thatguyintx]

I can relate and I can sympathize. You feel like you are making progress as a couple possibly, so you refuse to accept that it is not a good situation.

 

I am going through something similar except we spend time together for drinks or an occasional meal, but it is still not what I am looking for. She is enforcing boundaries that I do not understand and she cannot explain.

 

The tough answer is looking at the situation as it stands right now and determining if you can accept this. Do not get stuck remembering the good old days, just look at today. In my case, I cannot accept the today world. The answer is right in front of my face but I don't want to admit it. I need to go NC and accept this relationship is over and done.

 

Does any of this resonate with you?

Edited February 10, 2016 by Thatguyintx
Grammar

[nauticalpoem]

The way you are feeling makes sense to me. I am really against texting based relationships. From my experience the more you text (especially if you're not hanging out often) the more things fizzle. In my mind for a second chance to work it has to be based of dates and building romance. Texting doesn't do that. It's nice to keep in touch, but you already know this guy so it makes sense that texting isn't making you interested...

 

I hope things end up how ever you want them to be.

[Perro_azul]

Thatguyintx, my ex is also enforcing boundaries (though I'm not sure enforcing is the correct verb here), anyhow, of course, there are boundaries because we don't hang out and 2 weeks ago all I heard was "I don't want to give you the wrong signals". However, I believe I accepted these boundaries for now and I think I'm doing a great job not pressuring him. Like I said at times I feel cool and perfectly fine, and other times I feel scared out of my mind that this will go on forever, that he has ulterior motives and just wanted to be friends so we can be comfortable working together. I'm also scared that I undervalue myself and just give him what he wants not asking for anything in return. I guess I wouldn't be doing this, if I didn't believe in this relationship. I also see this situation as a good opportunity to work on myself: patience, stress management; stop trying to control everything.

 

nauticalpoem, the reason we broke up was not because we felt less attracted to one another, it was because we were arguing a lot over everything. It ended abruptly, neither of us had the time to pull away before ending the relationship. A month ago, we reached an agreement that we will try to be friends and try not fight and argue as we used to. So far, so good, we don't argue. I do agree with you that texting can't last forever. There has to be some kind of progress.

 

Just wanted to add that I think when we first started, our whole relationship was based on sexual attraction and romance, then a habit, and we just moved so freaking fast. Maybe, this time, it makes sense to really try and become friends (because he believes we don't have enough interests in common), before we can become something else, especially since we both already know that we are sexually compatible and everything is good there.

Edited February 11, 2016 by Perro_azul

[NVO]

I'm not really looking for any advice, I just wanted to vent and update whoever is interested in how it goes when you try to be friends with your ex and end up in the gray area. You have to have a LOT of emotional strength to go through with this. You have to be ready to embrace uncertainty and deal with stress every day. You have no control whatsoever over the outcome.

 

Yes, this is so true. But apart from the strength I think feeling neutral of indifferent towards your ex is the key to maintain some kind of friendship. That's why people on LS suggest that being friends is something that will come somewhere down the road, or it does not happen at all. The transition from lover to friend does not take place overnight, mostly it will take a couple of months. Or years.