First Time Post

[KSProf]

Hey everybody,

 

This is my first post to these forums, and it might get long .... but please bear with me, read it all, and help me if you can.

 

In December last year, I met an amazing woman. I had been married before (for almost 13 years), and divorced. When I met this woman, I had no idea how special she would become to me. We hit it off, and became an official couple that month (December). She had been in multiple relationships that year, and for whatever reason, had broken up with each one of those men. We had both been married twice, myself having a daughter and her having three kids. She was a recovering alcoholic, and has been sober for nearly two years. I'm very proud of her for that. I gave up drinking completely, out of respect for her, and felt good about doing it for myself too. Yes, we moved faster than we probably should have .... I moved in with her in January, and then I asked her to marry me in March, and she said yes. According to her, and others, I was the best man she's ever had in her life ..... and I tried to treat her that way. I've never cheated on anyone in my life, and I work really hard to do GOOD things. Some of those people also told me to be careful, because she likes to push people away.

 

Along the way, I did things to help her, and show her how much I loved her ..... I poured my heart into the relationship .... making her care packages for work, cleaning the house, cooking supper, and helping her other three kids with anything they needed. We had arguments .... fights. I'm not used to those, as my in my last relationship (my now-divorced wife of 13 years) we had very few arguments. So I really don't know how to fight. When we would fight, she would get mad ... real mad. Mainly verbally angry. People told me I would have to deal with mood swings .... which was true, and I did. She would tell me she worried about me cheating, that all men are the same, and I have, as the God's honest truth, never cheated a day in my life. We had a lot of good days too. But little things would set her off, and she even went through my Facebook activity log when I was at work one day (she later told me she did). But I have always been the person to try to make it work .... because I genuinely love her and care about her.

 

Then, one day, we found out she was pregnant. I was thrilled, and she was too. But we continued to have arguments, as all couples do, and now there were pregnancy hormones mixed into things as well. She admitted to having hormonal mood swings, and I did my best to cope with those. On several occasions, she would get mad at me and tell me to leave for a few days ... which I did. One such example was over finances, but we worked through that. I have a good job and worked hard to support her financially around the house and with bills (she has a good job as well). Throughout those arguments, we always seemed to work it out. In August, tensions were getting higher ... her hormones were fluctuating, and she was getting upset very easily, about many little things. She thought I was drinking behind her back at times (her last relationship ended because the guy she was dating had been hiding the drinking from her)....to which I assured her I was not and she would apologize.

 

Then, in August, I wanted to help work on her car. I accidentally dented it in the process, and she was extremely mad that I had done so. I wanted to take her car to town and fix it, but she wouldn't let me drive it. She then told me that she wondered if I should even be driving a vehicle at all.....to make a long story short, I left the conversation in tears, and drove to town to talk to a couple close friends of mine about the argument. She took exception to me talking to them, instead of her ... we had a communication breakdown. I could have done better, and I should have stayed to talk it out. But I didn't. Then, that night, I made the worst decision in my life. She came back with one of her girlfriends, and was fuming mad about the communication breakdown that day. She was slamming doors, and then she left again with her. She texted me, and said: "I hate this f*cking relationship, and all the double standards that come with it. I am SO done. I do not want to be with you anymore". I texted back that I didn't want to fight. I wanted to work it out. That I wanted to be a good man to her and her kids. Her next text simply said, "I want you to get the hell out of my house and leave me alone". At that moment, I caved in and did something I have never done ... I gave up. I packed my stuff up and moved out of the house. I left. She came back with her kids as I was packing my stuff, and they were all crying. I didn't know what else to do.

 

I immediately knew I had made a mistake. I have always been a caring person, and I absolutely HATE hurting ANYONE. But here I was, with my stuff in a friend's trailer, and leaving that house. I left the pregnant woman. That was several months ago. I feel so terrible to this day, and my friends tell me I need to let that guilt go. My baby's mommy and I still talk (she's due in January), and get along well being broken up/separated. I have a ton of love for her. She's a woman I truly and deeply love, with all of my heart, since all this has happened.

 

I have tried hard to fix things .... to show her I can do better on my part. I have taken what I feel is full accountability for my actions that night. I have gone to counseling sessions .... many of them. I have found my Lord Savior Jesus Christ in the process ..... which has been amazing. And I've tried to remain strong. I still help her and her kids ... I buy them groceries, and offer my assistance at the drop of a hat for anything they might need. We text multiple times .... daily .... both of us initiating those texts. She still tells me she loves me ... and will say "I love you" on multiple occasions. We go out to eat, and the other night we went to the movies and she rested her head on my shoulder. But she says she doesn't want to be in a relationship right now, and she doesn't know if she'll ever be in one again. She said it was my choice to go that night, and I can't hold her accountable because of her pregnancy hormones. She said she is sorry but she is scared that I'll leave again, like all the other guys have done. She is tired of being hurt. As for me, I love her very much. She just wants to be friends, and co-parent our child. Yet she plays with my ear, gives me deep, loving hugs, and tells me she loves me. But, no matter how much I've worked to do better .... to fix my part of it .... it's not good enough. She put up a post on social media telling people we'd been split up since August (because people keep asking how we are doing, and thinking we are still a couple). Since then, many more guys have been commenting on her posts than ever before, being flirty/talkative. And yes, I'm insecure about that. I have gone above and beyond what I feel I can do anymore to show her I care, and that I want her back. We have a baby coming, and I love her SO MUCH. I cry a lot. Today is Thanksgiving, and I have been looking at pics of her, carrying our child, that she's posted on social media. She would not offer to let me come and spend time with her at her family's house on Thanksgiving, not at all. It's tearing me up inside. I could block her from social media, but I want to be able to see pictures she posts of our baby when he arrives in this world. I can't exactly do no contact with her, because I believe in maintaining a close relationship with her as the baby is on the way. I live 15 minutes from her, and it just hurts. She has stated on multiple occasions that we will do an awesome job of coparenting, and that we are amazing friends (which we are). I'll probably get a lot of responses that I made the mistake ... I shouldn't have left. But I did, and I can't change that night now. I just love her and want her back. I get tired of the mixed signals, and her telling me she loves me (she said it again last night over the phone), ,but I keep getting pushed away. I just want to be her loving man and do good things for her and our baby. I still have a ton of love in my heart, I make mistakes, and I feel I'm a genuinely good person with a big heart who works HARD to fix things. ON TOP OF ALL THAT, our one year anniversary since we met and became a couple is coming up within a couple weeks and I am so torn up inside emotionally over that. I just wish I could get a second chance. She has told me that she's not interested in dating anyone, and if she was and did, it would be me. Please help me here .... I've felt so lost for the past three months, and, while counseling and God has helped, I thought there might be enough experiences here to help me through this and give me new ways of looking at things. God bless you all, and have a happy holiday season.....

[casey.lives]

A one year separation after a lengthy marriage is common for couples to experience. It's a good time for you to make a declaration of intent. Let her know that you intend to be a father to that child and that you WILL have her heart by 2017 : ) !! ........ And begin!!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

KSProf,

 

Y'know what we here at Loveshack have the benefit of, which you don't (right now)...

 

... we DID NOT KNOW how this story was going to evolve as we read through your long prose.

 

 

So as I read... I became quite keen on the thought that "hey, this woman is the sort who needs either an alcoholic, or a(n experienced) 'caretaker' (OF an alcoholic) in her life".

 

YOU, while of the mind to do some of the bend over waaaaaaaay too far backward to suit her stuff that 'fits' the role, at least do not admit to anything near to alcoholism on your own, OR to anything tangent to another alcoholic having been prominent in your immediate living situation at any point.

 

 

SO... the accusation of your 'drinking behind her back' is about as noteworthy as my drinking Kool Aid behind your back. (my drinking Kool Aid is NOT going to trigger any 'addictive interests' of mine, so it is absurd to bring it up in the context she used)

 

NOW I UNDERSTAND that an alcoholic neeeeeeeeeeeeds her own immediate environs to be temptation-free (to the extent which is comfortable for others in her household)... BUT if I sneak out at lunch at my work and consume Kool Aid without telling that woman, it is NOT a serious concern.

 

I say or suggest that she is re-playing the barbs once exchanged with other, past beaus in her environs, who truly WERE drinking behind her back (in cases where concern would rise above Kool Aid and me). (that doubles as further implication that she yearns for either the true "caretaker OF an alcoholic" role, OR that of another addict, as her main squeeze)

 

And it may also be true that this woman should not have been starting so many relationships relatively early in her recovery... and you're just listing/living a few of the reasons why.

 

Now IF you return here and inform us that your mother/father/ex-wife was a raging alcoholic, then I will have important new information which would make you a better 'fit' with this woman...

 

 

And I will admit that IF CNN were covering the story of your recent relationship, they would post your photo and say "This man left a pregnant girlfriend" ... and downplay everything else (JUST for the most outrageous spin on your story).

 

The truth is, that this woman herself is the sole cause of all that she has done to bring herself to this point (aside from the alcoholism running through her genetics, I mean).

 

 

Without further information from you (which COULD be 'key')... I would say that YOU are the person who has been fair to yourself, and at least passively recognizing all of your own, impressive effort in the face of the CHAOS that the woman needs in her life (all or in part due to her alcoholism).

 

 

I think the best thing for you to focus on at all, in this picture, is the upcoming baby... (first praying that the baby doesn't arrive with the gene for alcoholism)... but after that, duplicating the good, strong EFFORT which you made toward the relationship, for the good of the young child you'll share.

 

 

It really IS possible that yours might not be the ideal frame of mind best suited for her (hopeful) recovery from her addiction.

 

 

That does NOT in any way mean that your frame of mind is wrong or unenviable.

 

 

Recognize the good in yourself, and the MAGNITUDE of the challenge you came here wanting to continue facing.

[KSProf]

Hey Sincere,

 

Thank you for your input here. There has been no alcoholism on my side of the family (except for my grandmother on my mom's side), but I really haven't been exposed to any of that. Before I met this woman, I was a recreational/social drinker of about two beers per week. But I gave that up after getting together with this woman. I just don't know how to juggle the emotional roller coaster of, "I love you, and care about you, but I don't want you back in a relationship capacity". A lot of mixed signals. She told me that perhaps after the baby is born, she might be ready again. But according to her, now is not the time. I have deep love for her and our son. I would give her and her kids the shirt off my back to help them .... and her mom & dad too. I just want to be a good person to her, that does good things. To show her that, yes ..... I do have faults. I have plenty to work on, and I admit to this. But I've busted my rear end for months to try and be a better me ... not just because I want to be for her, but because I want to be ...... for me. I'm almost in tears as I write this right now. I just need some friends, and some help.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I can recognize that you WANT with all of your might to (invest your emotional self and your caring in someone), AND I can understand that the child you're going to have, doubles the appeal to (shoving the square peg through the round hole which would be required to make this work) (as a couple, with this woman).

 

 

But an unbiased observer of your situation would surely caution you that you are opening up a very likely living hell for yourself in so doing.

 

If you really want what is 'best' for this woman, you will allow her to focus on her sobriety without complicating her efforts.

 

She clearly has NO clue that she neeeeeeeeeeeeds that (focus), but if you devote yourself to giving her THAT, you may, at the same time, save your own self from hell on earth.

 

Distance will afford better perspective, and time will only enhance that perspective.