Hopeless situation

[hurtlove]

My ex and I were together for 1 year and he broke up with me 6 months ago. I went back to him 1 month after the initial break up and asked him to date again, he reluctantly agreed. Things went downhill pretty fast as I couldn't help but bringing up the topic of officially getting back together and he felt pressured. We dated for one month and he said he wanted to see other people and I said I couldn't do the casual dating thing.

 

We agreed to be friends and we didn't communicate for 1 week. Then we saw each other again and I talked him into casual dating but that didn't work either. Again we said we'd be friends but it turned into a FWB situation (I got myself into the situation). Last time I saw him, things were pretty bad and he got so tired of me talking about the relationship stuff, subsequently, he blocked me from everything and said we are done.

 

I emailed him to ask to see him but he refused to meet up. I haven't contacted him for 1 month since I saw him last time. The situation looks hopeless and he said we were not going to work out multiple times. I know it's stupid to hold on to him but I love him and I'm willing to try to show him I've changed.

 

How do I proceed from here? I'm so heartbroken and I felt like I'd give up everything to have him back..

[pidgeon1010]

Do nothing. You cannot force him into a relationship. You've already made your case (multiple times). Reclaim your power and dignity. If he wants to be with you or has an inkling of wanting to start over, he should be the one to reach out. You have done enough. I realize you are emotional and want him back but desperation is a big turn off and it has and will continue to repel him if you keep reaching out.

[hurtlove]

I know him well and I know he'll never reach out to me if I'm not the first one to do so. He still has my stuff and he said he'd mail them, but it's been 1 month and I haven't received them. If I can re-establish contact, I'll start being his friends first and see where things go..

 

Do nothing. You cannot force him into a relationship. You've already made your case (multiple times). Reclaim your power and dignity. If he wants to be with you or has an inkling of wanting to start over, he should be the one to reach out. You have done enough. I realize you are emotional and want him back but desperation is a big turn off and it has and will continue to repel him if you keep reaching out.

[CarrieT]

First Mantra of ending a relationship: IT IS JUST STUFF.

 

Let it go and let him keep it. There is nothing that important that involves needing to contact him again.

 

Don't do it.

 

You haven't changed because you are still pining for him and contacting him will only make you look needy.

 

Second Mantra: IT IS JUST STUFF. Unless he has some cherished family heirloom, it is all replaceable.

[hurtlove]

First Mantra of ending a relationship: IT IS JUST STUFF.

 

Let it go and let him keep it. There is nothing that important that involves needing to contact him again.

 

Don't do it.

 

You haven't changed because you are still pining for him and contacting him will only make you look needy.

 

Second Mantra: IT IS JUST STUFF. Unless he has some cherished family heirloom, it is all replaceable.

 

I admit I'm holding on to a slim hope that we'll talk again because he hasn't mailed my stuff back. In terms of contact, I just want to write him a thank you letter for the good times and apologize for my behaviors and just leave it like that.

[kendahke]

My ex and I were together for 1 year and he broke up with me 6 months ago. I went back to him 1 month after the initial break up and asked him to date again, he reluctantly agreed. Things went downhill pretty fast as I couldn't help but bringing up the topic of officially getting back together and he felt pressured. We dated for one month and he said he wanted to see other people and I said I couldn't do the casual dating thing.

 

We agreed to be friends and we didn't communicate for 1 week. Then we saw each other again and I talked him into casual dating but that didn't work either. Again we said we'd be friends but it turned into a FWB situation (I got myself into the situation). Last time I saw him, things were pretty bad and he got so tired of me talking about the relationship stuff, subsequently, he blocked me from everything and said we are done.

 

I emailed him to ask to see him but he refused to meet up. I haven't contacted him for 1 month since I saw him last time. The situation looks hopeless and he said we were not going to work out multiple times. I know it's stupid to hold on to him but I love him and I'm willing to try to show him I've changed.

 

How do I proceed from here? I'm so heartbroken and I felt like I'd give up everything to have him back..

 

Changed what? You haven't changed. You still want to be in a relationship with him and he still doesn't want to be in an exclusive one with you.

 

Your only choice is to continue to debase yourself, throw yourself at him, erroneously thinking that he will have some epiphany about you and come running back to you. No. That's not how this works. The only hope you have of regaining what you've lost is for HIM to come to that conclusion of his own volition. You've repeatedly seen that when it's you instigating the reconciliation, it falls apart because it's not what he really wants. He wants to date other women, not just you exclusively.

 

Here's the thing: you cannot sex a grown man into a relationship. It's the weakest bargaining chip if their heart and will aren't in it.

 

As Annie Lennox sang in Cold "The more I want you, the less I get... ain't that just the way things are..." The more you throw yourself at him, the more you devalue yourself, the less of him you get. If you can't appreciate your worth, don't expect for him to. Being demoted to FWB is not progress for someone who wants a relationship.

[hurtlove]

At this point, I just want to reconnect with him as a friend and truly don't have any expectations. I just want him in my life.

 

Changed what? You haven't changed. You still want to be in a relationship with him and he still doesn't want to be in an exclusive one with you.

 

Your only choice is to continue to debase yourself, throw yourself at him, erroneously thinking that he will have some epiphany about you and come running back to you. No. That's not how this works. The only hope you have of regaining what you've lost is for HIM to come to that conclusion of his own volition. You've repeatedly seen that when it's you instigating the reconciliation, it falls apart because it's not what he really wants. He wants to date other women, not just you exclusively.

 

Here's the thing: you cannot sex a grown man into a relationship. It's the weakest bargaining chip if their heart and will aren't in it.

 

As Annie Lennox sang in Cold "The more I want you, the less I get... ain't that just the way things are..." The more you throw yourself at him, the more you devalue yourself, the less of him you get. If you can't appreciate your worth, don't expect for him to. Being demoted to FWB is not progress for someone who wants a relationship.

[Blanco]

How do I proceed from here? I'm so heartbroken and I felt like I'd give up everything to have him back..

 

 

At this point, I just want to reconnect with him as a friend and truly don't have any expectations. I just want him in my life.

 

These were posted four hours apart. You aren't going to heal from this breakup if you can't be honest with yourself.

 

At this point, you two have been apart half as long as the relationship lasted. It hurts, but it's time to move on, and that involves no longer lying to yourself that you would even want him as a friend right now.

[sandylee1]

I know him well and I know he'll never reach out to me if I'm not the first one to do so. He still has my stuff and he said he'd mail them, but it's been 1 month and I haven't received them. If I can re-establish contact, I'll start being his friends first and see where things go..

 

He doesn't want a relationship with you. Please stop hoping for more. The fact that YOU had to ask HIM back, after he brokr up, shows he wasn't really interested in that way anymore.

 

Just let it go and arrange to get your stuff back and end it. It's never good to chase a guy like this.

[hurtlove]

He was my first love, it's just so hard to imagine he's out of my life forever...

 

He doesn't want a relationship with you. Please stop hoping for more. The fact that YOU had to ask HIM back, after he brokr up, shows he wasn't really interested in that way anymore.

 

Just let it go and arrange to get your stuff back and end it. It's never good to chase a guy like this.

[CarrieT]

In terms of contact, I just want to write him a thank you letter for the good times and apologize for my behaviors and just leave it like that.

Nope. Don't do that.

 

At this point, I just want to reconnect with him as a friend and truly don't have any expectations. I just want him in my life.

You can't. As long as you have romantic feelings for him, you can't have him in your life.

 

He was my first love, it's just so hard to imagine he's out of my life forever...

You two might be able to come back together and be friends - but just not now.

[Amalyn]

I'm sorry but it's definitely time to move on from this one.

 

Do NOT contact him. Not even to get your stuff back. As another member said before me, it's just stuff and all replaceable. I've lost so much stuff over the years from relationships ending, I've lost count.

 

Just start to move on. You will thank yourself one day.

[Frogwife]

I am sorry, but I completely disagree with just letting your stuff go, if it's really stuff you want. Who gives a crap what this ex boyfriend thinks - just get your stuff and be done with him.

 

Are people really that weak that they care so much what an ex thinks (they they will somehow "lose their dignity" by asking to pick up their things?) or they can't bear ONE contact to get their stuff back. Sure, if the guy is an ax murderer, don't get your things, but you can easily say you'll have a friend come pick it up, you'll pay for the postage, he can leave it on his front porch, you can go by and get it in two minutes, whatever. Just buck up and get your things.

 

I had a really difficult breakup with my ex a little over a year ago- he left me (it was the first time I had been dumped in my 46 years, so it was horrifically painful) - he wanted nothing to do with me, didn't want to see me (we are professors at the same university, which didn't help) and I respected his wish.

 

We were living together and I had a student deliver a small box of his final things to his office and we met once after the breakup and I gave him a couple bags of his things. It was easy, no problem, no drama, just two adults taking care of business.

 

That said, I do agree with not writing the letter - it will have NO effect at this point... just leave him be for now. And yes, having him as a "friend" at this point may be impossible because there are still feelings. But time will change that, or you may decide you don't want him in your life.

 

Have friendly contact from time to time if you want - maybe you can be friendly down the road then you may have an opportunity to apologize for your role. That is what I did with my ex and he went from screaming "I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE!! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!!!" a year ago, to helping me install a new stove and move two weeks ago... he actually was nice enough to store some furniture for me (taking it up and down six flights with no elevator, to boot).

 

 

It's not about "No Contact", it's about learning to control impulsive behavior/communication and act/react like rational adult. We ALL get caught up in the emotions of a break up and do and say things we wish we hadn't, but being able to moderate emotional outbursts goes a long way in keeping your dignity, in my opinion (and experience). Use getting your things back as an exercise in doing that.

[boltam]

This one's done.

 

Get a friend to get your stuff.

 

You can't be friends with a guy you're still in love with, it's just prolonging your misery.

[purpledooze]

You said you were willing to try anything. Well, then try this. He's your first boyfriend. You need to learn more about how men think and work.

 

Right now, your value in his eyes is zero. You need to increase that with your absence. You need to let go of all hope that he will want you back. He can't want you when you're always around.

 

Read this book:

Beyond the Breakup: Understanding Your Ex-Boyfriend from the Male Perspective

 

The author of that book also has a blog: The Rules Revisited

 

Read these:

- No, You Can't Be "Just Friends"

- Why Getting Him Back Won't Help

- The Importance of Silence After a Breakup

- Why You Should Cut Him Off

 

After you've cut him off, EVOLVE. Make some significant changes in your life. Physically and internally. It will not only change your perspective on your breakup, but it will also drastically improve the way you handle your interactions with not just your ex, but other men as well.

 

By accepting the breakup, you start to own it. Right now, your ex owns you and is complacent that you're still around. He's taking you for granted. You need to FEEL that and feel at least offended that he is taking you for granted.

 

It's also important to know exactly WHY he broke up with you. If he voiced this out during your relationship or even after it, it means he's given you a chance. If not, it just means he doesn't want to be with you, period.

Edited October 24, 2015 by purpledooze

[Wewon]

Last time I saw him, things were pretty bad and he got so tired of me talking about the relationship stuff, subsequently, he blocked me from everything and said we are done.

 

 

Best thing that could have happened to you.

 

It will force you to move on and abandon hope of getting together. Return the favor and block in in return.

 

This is the perfect example of why you cut off contact, you have to be able to see life without him in it.

[hurtlove]

Thanks for all your replies. It was the most painful thing that ever happened to me. About my stuff, in our last communication, he said he'd mail them back. However, till this day, I still haven't received them. I guess that's why I hold the hope that I'll still see him, because he could have done it a long time ago. Right now, I don't hold the hope that we'll be back together but I really feel like I need to have him in my life in a certain capacity.

 

Sometimes I just wish it was all a nightmare and when I wake up in the morning, everything will be fine..

[Noproblem]

he does not want you anymore

 

he grew tired of you, he wants another girls.. Plain and simple, yet harsh reality.

 

 

He is not the one for you, you deserve someone better!

 

Just ignore him and keep on going..

 

He is not worth it......

[hurtlove]

Thanks everyone. I went against your opinion and sent him the letter anyway after 1 month, told him thanks and I'm ok. As expected he didn't reply but he unblocked me on fb this week. I don't know what to make of it but I'm not planning to do anything...

 

Now that the communication channel is open, maybe we can start being friends at least..

[hurtlove]

He texted me yesterday, basically saying we are not strangers.. I haven't replied..

[greenleaves54]

Thanks everyone. I went against your opinion and sent him the letter anyway after 1 month, told him thanks and I'm ok. As expected he didn't reply but he unblocked me on fb this week. I don't know what to make of it but I'm not planning to do anything...

 

Now that the communication channel is open, maybe we can start being friends at least..

 

You don't want any communication channels open, my friend. Delete him from Facebook and everything else. This will: 1. Save you from any hurtful updates on his life and put you in a good place to heal, and 2: Show him you won't stick around. He gets what he wanted. His loss.

 

Being friends is lose-lose. Closing all communication channels is win-win. Your choice.

[fiskadoro]

I am sorry, but I completely disagree with just letting your stuff go, if it's really stuff you want. Who gives a crap what this ex boyfriend thinks - just get your stuff and be done with him.

 

Are people really that weak that they care so much what an ex thinks (they they will somehow "lose their dignity" by asking to pick up their things?) or they can't bear ONE contact to get their stuff back. Sure, if the guy is an ax murderer, don't get your things, but you can easily say you'll have a friend come pick it up, you'll pay for the postage, he can leave it on his front porch, you can go by and get it in two minutes, whatever. Just buck up and get your things.

 

I had a really difficult breakup with my ex a little over a year ago- he left me (it was the first time I had been dumped in my 46 years, so it was horrifically painful) - he wanted nothing to do with me, didn't want to see me (we are professors at the same university, which didn't help) and I respected his wish.

 

We were living together and I had a student deliver a small box of his final things to his office and we met once after the breakup and I gave him a couple bags of his things. It was easy, no problem, no drama, just two adults taking care of business.

 

That said, I do agree with not writing the letter - it will have NO effect at this point... just leave him be for now. And yes, having him as a "friend" at this point may be impossible because there are still feelings. But time will change that, or you may decide you don't want him in your life.

 

Have friendly contact from time to time if you want - maybe you can be friendly down the road then you may have an opportunity to apologize for your role. That is what I did with my ex and he went from screaming "I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE!! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!!!" a year ago, to helping me install a new stove and move two weeks ago... he actually was nice enough to store some furniture for me (taking it up and down six flights with no elevator, to boot).

 

 

It's not about "No Contact", it's about learning to control impulsive behavior/communication and act/react like rational adult. We ALL get caught up in the emotions of a break up and do and say things we wish we hadn't, but being able to moderate emotional outbursts goes a long way in keeping your dignity, in my opinion (and experience). Use getting your things back as an exercise in doing that.

 

Frogwife, I saw elsewhere that you are not a proponent of no contact... which I dislike too, but lately I am not very trusting of my emotionally clouded judgement. may I ask you how long you waited after his telling you he "never wanted to see you again" to try an outreach to him? Or did he reach out to you?

[Satu]

The moment in which you let go of him is also the moment in which you open yourself to the possibility of finding something better.

 

Let go of him.

[Frogwife]

Frogwife, I saw elsewhere that you are not a proponent of no contact... which I dislike too, but lately I am not very trusting of my emotionally clouded judgement. may I ask you how long you waited after his telling you he "never wanted to see you again" to try an outreach to him? Or did he reach out to you?

 

Yes, for me, the whole cult of "no contact" is baffling. Sure, if you have been abused, stalked, etc. you do not need to be in contact with anyone that is harming you, but no contact seems to be for people who are not able to control how they act/react and certainly seems to be done (whether people admit it or not) to try to manipulate an ex to come back - "give them the gift of missing you", 'let them see what life is like without you" etc etc. Relationship forums perpetuate this ad infinitum, as well as all the "get your ex back" stuff that is sold to broken-hearted people. Instead of being able to have thoughtful, balanced emotions and communication, it's just "slash and burn" and throwing your toys out of the pram, "there, I'll show them!!".

 

There is nothing wrong with distancing yourself from a situation for a bit when feelings are high or raw - we all do this in lots of situations from time to time - work, family, lovers, friends. Then being able to react from a place of calm rather than with fear, anger, etc. The fact that you are aware of your 'emotionally-clouded' judgement is a good thing - it shows that you know there are times to communicate and times not to.

 

I could give you the details of my story, but the reality is every person is different and every breakup is different. What had a positive result for me may not have a positive result for someone else (or may not be the result someone else even wants). At the end of the day, we know ourselves, we know our unique situations and we know our ex-partners better than anyone else.

 

My advice would be to not let other people determine how we feel - which is easier said than done, of course - but when we are feeling hurt, anger, sadness - instead of trying to use "no contact" to heal, work with those feelings and understand where they come from.

[hurtlove]

I'm trying to move on. At this stage, I don't think things will work out. However, we started talking to each other again over text. I'm not saying he wants to get back together but we are not strangers anymore. I was surprised how he texted me out of the blue and unblocked me, I thought we'd never be in contact again.