Depressed

[FreshPrince2]

Hello,

 

 

First time poster, just figured I could use advice from outside perspectives. I met my ex in a school we both attended and dated for over a year and a half. I loved every minute of our relationship and really just enjoyed spending time with her. However, she had a busy schedule and sometimes that got in the way of us having effective communication. We both really seemed to like and care about the other and spent a lot of time together. However, we both are attending graduate school next year (2 hours away) and had planned on staying together. As school got closer, she started reading into my every little behavior which in turn frustrated me and we fought. It got to the point where I thought we may break up and I decided I didn't want to lose her and then tried harder. I tried to ask if everything was ok several times and she assured me that it was. Eventually, when I felt offended because she was not matching my effort at all, things came to a front and we broke up. She told me that it was not my fault at all, and that the idea of long-distance overwhelmed her. She also gave me little examples of things that I was doing that gave her doubts. I let her know how I felt, and asked her to not give me any hope because I really do like her and wouldn't want to give up if there was a chance. She told me could not close the door for the future, that she was very confused and needed space. I waited a couple of days, and then I let her know how strongly I felt. She gave me sort of a robotic message back that really didn't say anything. Later that week, I was with her best friend (I'm very close with her) looking for some closure or some understanding of the situation. She told me how hard of a time my ex was having, that I was the best boyfriend she has had, and encouraged me to go talk to her and said she thought that I definitely still had a chance. I met her with renewed hope and was devastated when it was shot down again. We had an intense conversation and it was clear that I was very hurt.

 

From there, I went home. I wanted to get out of that city as quickly as possible (I'm from far away). We have not had much direct contact since I have been home. She has texted me a couple of times to check in until I told her that I care about her a lot, and if she wants to work on things to please try. Until then, I don't think we should talk. Since then (two weeks ago), we have not spoken. I've done my best to avoid facebook and instagram (which sucks, because I've had to unfollow pretty much anyone that I have met in the past two years since it's just painful) but have slipped up some and she has been uncharacteristically posting a ridiculous amount of pictures of her going out and things which hurts.

 

I've been having a very rough time. I am constantly ruminating and overanalyzing everything that happened. I have pretty much all the symptoms of depression and am clinging to any hope that I can find since none of this makes sense to me. I know there is nothing I can really do, and I can't convince someone to be in a relationship with me. It has been a month and with hope waning, I've just been in and out of tears and just confused how if I met a lot to her how she could not even give me a chance.

 

There have been a few times I have reached out to her best friend. She has been amazing, and told me that she told my ex that she's making a huge mistake. She has told me to not beat myself up (impossible for me) and that if it's meant to be, it will be. Now that she has moved to her school and I am about to be back in her atmosphere (two hours away), I decided to reach out one more time. Her friend told me that she knows its painful, but that it seems that my ex is moving on and is just really excited about starting her new life with no ties. She said it's hard to tell what she's actually feeling and doesn't know anything for sure. She assured me that she felt really strongly for me but noted her personality trait of when she has her mind made up to follow up on it. If and when she may be interested in reconciliation, she will reach out to me.

 

I've pretty much accepted that there is no action I can take that will help me in any way. It is still painful and tough to let go when you don't want to and were kind of blindsided by everything. Really, I just miss her and want to talk to her straight-forwardly. I'm trying to look forward as well, but I don't know anyone at the school or state I am going to. It's funny how hope works. When it first happened, I thought we would be back together in a couple of days. Then, I thought by the time school started. Now, I just want to leave the door open for some day. Her friend is right. Her personality is to really not think about things like this and it hurts a lot.

 

 

I suppose I was looking for any advice at all on this situation. She does mean a lot to me.