Am I Crazy to consider this?

[surfwinter]

Quick and as-objective-as-possible background:

 

1. My wife of 10 years and I are polar opposites in many, many ways. She is a not-very-social homebody; I enjoy spending time in the outdoors or out and about with friends and co-workers. We have no kids because she doesn't want them, but we support her parents financially. i work in nonprofit and she is in pharma and makes about 2-3x what i do. She travels cross-country and internationally for work and is out of town at least 1/3 of the time.

 

2. About 3 years ago I felt terribly lonely in my marriage and had an 8-month emotional affair (no sex... I know that doesn't earn me a gold star, but people i confide in always seem ask, so there you go). I broke off what I thought of at the time as the inappropriate behavior (i.e., kissing & romantic-ish pseudo-dates) but stayed close friends with the other woman. I deluded myself into thinking that this "dialing it back" made it OK.

 

3. Then, six months ago I had a physical affair with a different woman (we kissed or made out 4 times).

 

4. On top of this, for about 6 months last year, to avoid conflict about money, I secretly had $200/month of my paycheck go into my separate checking account instead of our joint account, which I spent on meals, happy hours, coffee with friends etc. (My wife doesn't enjoy eating out, doesn't drink, isn't very social. I enjoy all these these things and am a naturally social person, but she is VERY thrifty and hates when I spend money.) We make a lot of money so I barely gave a thought to how dishonest it was to "steal" a small amount of my own paycheck.

 

Naturally, eventually she found out about all this and the **** hit the fan. We fought, we cried, we talked about splitting up. It's been 6 months and, surprising me, it looks like we might reconcile. I am committed to earning back her trust, and she seems committed to being more present in our relationship. She says she is willing to try to reconcile given certain conditions including:

 

I never see the "other women" again. (no problem)

 

I have no contact with past women friends who make her feel uncomfortable, and no 1:1 time with other women (OK)

 

She has full transparent access to my financial transactions, email, texts, etc etc (OK, fine)

 

I stay home whenever she travels for work. (fine, but mostly because i assume this is a temporary way to help her cope with her hurt and distrust while I earn back her trust)

 

I stop drinking alcohol completely. (sucks because I love beer and wine, but i can live with it)

 

Some other stuff like that, but you get the idea

Here's the kicker in her "terms":

We get divorced ("on paper") and settle all assets (house, cash, retirement, cars, everything) 100% in her favor, but continue to live as if married, work on our relationship, stay together. (Given how much more she makes than me, if we split up with a normal settlement i would probably only feel right asking for 1/3, anyway)

 

She says this is non-negotiable because she always told herself that she would divorce anyone who betrayed her the way I have. I can see her point --I don't know if I would stay with someone who did the things I did.

 

I have been avoiding thinking about this final ultimatum because our reconciliation has been feeling pretty good, especially over the past few weeks, but the papers are ready to sign so I really have to figure out if I am going to go through with this.

 

For what it's worth, my concern is less about the settlement if we split up, and more about how the settlement could hang over our relationship if we stay together. Is it possible to get back to a normal relationship under these terms--or have I deluded myself in my desire to make things right?

[CarrieT]

Here's the kicker in her "terms": [/b]

We get divorced ("on paper") and settle all assets (house, cash, retirement, cars, everything) 100% in her favor, but continue to live as if married, work on our relationship, stay together. (Given how much more she makes than me, if we split up with a normal settlement i would probably only feel right asking for 1/3, anyway)

Ummmmmm.....

 

 

NO!

 

Get divorced and fight for 50% of your assets - especially if you live in a community property state.

 

Why would you want to stay married to someone who is isn't home a third of the time and is trying to manipulate you so much?

[aloneinaz]

Quick and as-objective-as-possible background:

 

1. My wife of 10 years and I are polar opposites in many, many ways. She is a not-very-social homebody; I enjoy spending time in the outdoors or out and about with friends and co-workers. We have no kids because she doesn't want them, but we support her parents financially. i work in nonprofit and she is in pharma and makes about 2-3x what i do. She travels cross-country and internationally for work and is out of town at least 1/3 of the time.

 

2. About 3 years ago I felt terribly lonely in my marriage and had an 8-month emotional affair (no sex... I know that doesn't earn me a gold star, but people i confide in always seem ask, so there you go). I broke off what I thought of at the time as the inappropriate behavior (i.e., kissing & romantic-ish pseudo-dates) but stayed close friends with the other woman. I deluded myself into thinking that this "dialing it back" made it OK.

 

3. Then, six months ago I had a physical affair with a different woman (we kissed or made out 4 times).

 

4. On top of this, for about 6 months last year, to avoid conflict about money, I secretly had $200/month of my paycheck go into my separate checking account instead of our joint account, which I spent on meals, happy hours, coffee with friends etc. (My wife doesn't enjoy eating out, doesn't drink, isn't very social. I enjoy all these these things and am a naturally social person, but she is VERY thrifty and hates when I spend money.) We make a lot of money so I barely gave a thought to how dishonest it was to "steal" a small amount of my own paycheck.

 

Naturally, eventually she found out about all this and the **** hit the fan. We fought, we cried, we talked about splitting up. It's been 6 months and, surprising me, it looks like we might reconcile. I am committed to earning back her trust, and she seems committed to being more present in our relationship. She says she is willing to try to reconcile given certain conditions including:

 

I never see the "other women" again. (no problem)

 

I have no contact with past women friends who make her feel uncomfortable, and no 1:1 time with other women (OK)

 

She has full transparent access to my financial transactions, email, texts, etc etc (OK, fine)

 

I stay home whenever she travels for work. (fine, but mostly because i assume this is a temporary way to help her cope with her hurt and distrust while I earn back her trust)

 

I stop drinking alcohol completely. (sucks because I love beer and wine, but i can live with it)

 

Some other stuff like that, but you get the idea

 

Here's the kicker in her "terms":

We get divorced ("on paper") and settle all assets (house, cash, retirement, cars, everything) 100% in her favor, but continue to live as if married, work on our relationship, stay together. (Given how much more she makes than me, if we split up with a normal settlement i would probably only feel right asking for 1/3, anyway)

 

She says this is non-negotiable because she always told herself that she would divorce anyone who betrayed her the way I have. I can see her point --I don't know if I would stay with someone who did the things I did.

 

I have been avoiding thinking about this final ultimatum because our reconciliation has been feeling pretty good, especially over the past few weeks, but the papers are ready to sign so I really have to figure out if I am going to go through with this.

 

For what it's worth, my concern is less about the settlement if we split up, and more about how the settlement could hang over our relationship if we stay together. Is it possible to get back to a normal relationship under these terms--or have I deluded myself in my desire to make things right?

 

 

This post is a joke, right? Who on earth would consider any of this?!?! Are you crazy? You want to stay with someone YOU'RE NOT COMPATIBLE with?

 

 

Dude.. grab your big boys pants back from her and file for divorce. I'd fight her for every nickel.. The fact that you've cheated or whatever twice only reinforces she's not IT for you.

 

 

Seriously man...

[OldRover]

There would be NO WAY I could live like that.

 

Re divorce, it really depends on your state, what are the law there?

 

Right now, it sounds she only wants you around as a servant, and even then, occasionally. The uncompromising demands are ridiculous.

[d0nnivain]

Your marriage has been over for a long time. Take your share of the assets & leave.

 

 

Giving her 100% of everything & staying is financial & emotional masochism

[salparadise]

She's doing a number on your head buster. You work full time but had to "steal" from your own paycheck so that you'd have a bit of pocket money? Meanwhile, she's traveling around on an expense account and making 2-3X and banking it... then she want's to divorce on paper to separate the assets in her favor as a condition of staying together? Pfffft!

 

Can't you see what this is? She's not going to reconcile––she's using that to get you to sign away your rights to the marital assets. As soon as you sign, your ass goes straight to the curb. And she'll be laughing like a hyena and saying "I can't believe he fell for that!"

 

Just face the truth and stand up for yourself. This relationship hasn't been working, it's not going to work in the future, and even if you lived together everything will be on her terms and conditional on you being obedient and submissive.

 

Take that offer of her's to a good divorce attorney and tell him you want him to negotiate the best deal you can get, including spousal support. Then use it to upgrade you education so you can make a respectable living in the future.

[stupidkittten]

The only part that stood out to me negatively about your wife is that you felt you had to "steal" from your own paycheck. That's pretty crazy. It sounds like you're just not compatible. I don't think I'd fight for 50% if I didn't contribute 50% AND I cheated. I would probably just let whoever I was married to have everything that I didn't specifically pick out for myself and sign the papers and honestly be done with the marriage. I don't understand why everyone is attacking you for complying with that. There's not really any point in sticking around though and living there or even trying to reconcile. You'd both be a lot happier with someone who fit you more.

[GoBlue]

I appreciate and understand why you want to reconcile. Marriage is a big deal and it actually is a covenant that is honorable and worthy of protection. I am highly involved in working with couples who are struggling and I almost never think that divorce is the answer. I don't think divorce is the answer in this situation either, but neither is BLACKMAIL. Have the two of you even gone to see a marriage counselor or Pastor yet? There is no way I would agree to some of her "demands" without talking to a third party unbiased professional (separate from the demands that you cut-off relationships with other woman. That's an obvious betrayal of marriage).

 

Marriage is a relationship of mutually committed love. It's not a contract to negotiate and tilt in favor of one party over the other. I know about a free counseling service by phone that is free and run by a faith-based organization. I would be glad to share that information if you send me a private message. Otherwise I would definitely insist that the two of you go to counseling before agreeing on the kind of set-up that she is requiring. I would also highly recommend the book Love Must Be Tough; New Hope for Marriages in Crisis by Dr. James Dobson. If you agree to these terms you will be turning ALL of the power in this relationship over to her. A marriage is about both partners sharing equal power because both care deeply about making it work and sacrificing to make it so. I do not in any way condone your behavior, but I would think long and hard before agreeing to the conditions she has set as they stand now. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[fireflywy]

Ummmmmm.....

 

 

NO!

 

Get divorced and fight for 50% of your assets - especially if you live in a community property state.

 

Why would you want to stay married to someone who is isn't home a third of the time and is trying to manipulate you so much?

 

THIS^^^^^^ right here bub.

[LeslieKnope]

Quick and as-objective-as-possible background:

 

1. My wife of 10 years and I are polar opposites in many, many ways. She is a not-very-social homebody; I enjoy spending time in the outdoors or out and about with friends and co-workers. We have no kids because she doesn't want them, but we support her parents financially. i work in nonprofit and she is in pharma and makes about 2-3x what i do. She travels cross-country and internationally for work and is out of town at least 1/3 of the time.

 

2. About 3 years ago I felt terribly lonely in my marriage and had an 8-month emotional affair (no sex... I know that doesn't earn me a gold star, but people i confide in always seem ask, so there you go). I broke off what I thought of at the time as the inappropriate behavior (i.e., kissing & romantic-ish pseudo-dates) but stayed close friends with the other woman. I deluded myself into thinking that this "dialing it back" made it OK.

 

3. Then, six months ago I had a physical affair with a different woman (we kissed or made out 4 times).

 

4. On top of this, for about 6 months last year, to avoid conflict about money, I secretly had $200/month of my paycheck go into my separate checking account instead of our joint account, which I spent on meals, happy hours, coffee with friends etc. (My wife doesn't enjoy eating out, doesn't drink, isn't very social. I enjoy all these these things and am a naturally social person, but she is VERY thrifty and hates when I spend money.) We make a lot of money so I barely gave a thought to how dishonest it was to "steal" a small amount of my own paycheck.

 

Naturally, eventually she found out about all this and the **** hit the fan. We fought, we cried, we talked about splitting up. It's been 6 months and, surprising me, it looks like we might reconcile. I am committed to earning back her trust, and she seems committed to being more present in our relationship. She says she is willing to try to reconcile given certain conditions including:

 

I never see the "other women" again. (no problem)

 

I have no contact with past women friends who make her feel uncomfortable, and no 1:1 time with other women (OK)

 

She has full transparent access to my financial transactions, email, texts, etc etc (OK, fine)

 

I stay home whenever she travels for work. (fine, but mostly because i assume this is a temporary way to help her cope with her hurt and distrust while I earn back her trust)

 

I stop drinking alcohol completely. (sucks because I love beer and wine, but i can live with it)

 

Some other stuff like that, but you get the idea

Here's the kicker in her "terms":

We get divorced ("on paper") and settle all assets (house, cash, retirement, cars, everything) 100% in her favor, but continue to live as if married, work on our relationship, stay together. (Given how much more she makes than me, if we split up with a normal settlement i would probably only feel right asking for 1/3, anyway)

 

She says this is non-negotiable because she always told herself that she would divorce anyone who betrayed her the way I have. I can see her point --I don't know if I would stay with someone who did the things I did.

 

I have been avoiding thinking about this final ultimatum because our reconciliation has been feeling pretty good, especially over the past few weeks, but the papers are ready to sign so I really have to figure out if I am going to go through with this.

 

For what it's worth, my concern is less about the settlement if we split up, and more about how the settlement could hang over our relationship if we stay together. Is it possible to get back to a normal relationship under these terms--or have I deluded myself in my desire to make things right?

 

I almost thought her requests were semi-reasonable (if a bit steep) up to the weird divorce arrangement. Please don't agree to this. Both of you checked out of this relationship and agreeing to her divorce terms does not acknowledge her role in the breakdown.

 

If you're both sincere about reconciling, GoBlue's recommendation of marriage counselling is a good one. There are a lot of issues to resolve here.