heather03 Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 A few months ago my ex decided to study abroad for the second time during his college career..he also didn't really tell me his plans to study abroad again either. Since I was with him the first time and totally miserable, I decided to break up with him to focus on myself and to be happy. He kept in constant contact with me when he was abroad which made it hard for me to move on, until I eventually told him I needed space and not to contact me until he came home. I said it in a not so nice way, and after discussing it with a friend I decided to apologize to my ex so now we're on good terms again. My friend who was abroad with him told me that he talked about me a lot and really wants to get back together; my ex apologised for everything that he did wrong in the relationship and seems to really have matured and wants me back really badly. I know he left because its an amazing opportunity, but I also don't know if I can get over the fact that he left me, and didn't even try to make it work before. Him deciding to study abroad gave me a lot of stress when we were together and didn't really make me happy either. Would you give someone another chance? Is it better just to be friends? Link to post Share on other sites
loveweary11 Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 People have to take amazing opportunities in life. If he didn't, he'd resent you for costing him his overseas trip. It's up to you, as a couple, to get past that. It's up to you, as an individual, to accept that. Next time, work together on it. I mean, you abandoned him too, by not going. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 Absolutely. It was the distance that broke you up & kept you apart. Now that the distance has been closed again (the problem was fixed) you can date again if you still like. However if you are going to resent the person for picking travel over you, don't bother. You can't re-start a relationship seeking to punish the person for perceived past sins. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 I wouldn't be angry about it if someone chose an amazing opportunity over me (I would never go along with a long-distance relationship anyway), but I also wouldn't want to get back with them. Besides, who knows who else they fraternized with while they were gone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author heather03 Posted July 13, 2015 Author Share Posted July 13, 2015 I wouldn't be angry about it if someone chose an amazing opportunity over me (I would never go along with a long-distance relationship anyway), but I also wouldn't want to get back with them. Besides, who knows who else they fraternized with while they were gone. Good point. I know he only made out with a few girls (my friend went with him) but this type of situation might repeat in the future. It just shows that I'm not a first priority, even enough so to tell me about it in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Until you are married or close to being married, possibly loving together you don't get to be a priority in somebody else's big decisions, whether to travel, take a new job etc. You didn't say how old you are but since you mentioned he left to study abroad for college, so I would never expect that a college SO would consult me about any such decision. Your lives are not sufficiently intertwined nor should you be. But like I said, whether we would take him back is not the question. Clearly you still resent him for taking this opportunity so don't take him back just to punish him for making a decision you did not approve of. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author heather03 Posted July 13, 2015 Author Share Posted July 13, 2015 Until you are married or close to being married, possibly loving together you don't get to be a priority in somebody else's big decisions, whether to travel, take a new job etc. You didn't say how old you are but since you mentioned he left to study abroad for college, so I would never expect that a college SO would consult me about any such decision. Your lives are not sufficiently intertwined nor should you be. But like I said, whether we would take him back is not the question. Clearly you still resent him for taking this opportunity so don't take him back just to punish him for making a decision you did not approve of. I guess I somewhat agree, but we were together for almost 2 years. He had said multiple times that he could see us living together after college and didn't want to be with anyone but me, so I guess I thought I deserved at least an idea of how badly he wanted to study abroad Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Yes, it would have been preferable that he give you a heads up that he was thinking about this or even told you when he put in the application to go. He may have thought it was asking for permission which you are now saying that it wasn't. Either way, you are under no obligation to take him back. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 I guess I somewhat agree, but we were together for almost 2 years. He had said multiple times that he could see us living together after college and didn't want to be with anyone but me, so I guess I thought I deserved at least an idea of how badly he wanted to study abroad Wow. When you wrote that he basically just left I thought you two had just started dating or were at best 2 months together. Now I definitely wouldn't take him back. Definitely no guy to plan a future with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author heather03 Posted July 13, 2015 Author Share Posted July 13, 2015 Yes, it would have been preferable that he give you a heads up that he was thinking about this or even told you when he put in the application to go. He may have thought it was asking for permission which you are now saying that it wasn't. Either way, you are under no obligation to take him back. This is true...I don't think it was about permission necessarily, but he said that he knew it could be the end of us if he decided to go and was scared that I would end it, so he tried not to talk about it. Which obviously didn't work out Link to post Share on other sites
Author heather03 Posted July 13, 2015 Author Share Posted July 13, 2015 Wow. When you wrote that he basically just left I thought you two had just started dating or were at best 2 months together. Now I definitely wouldn't take him back. Definitely no guy to plan a future with. The worst part is that we had communication issues, and only had sex maybe twice throughout our whole relationship. I know I played a part in it too, but for a guy it was always a bit weird. I think overall I apologised because he did try really hard to stay in contact with me when he was abroad and has clearly realised the mistakes he has made throughout our relationship. I never asked him to not study abroad, that wasn't my intent at all. It just still stings that he didn't think to include me in the plans or even tell me how much he wanted to go and what it meant to him... Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Love is not possession. The fact that you resent him for taking a great opportunity that will overall improve his quality of life and outlook about the world means you are infatuated with him. Love lets us still love even when the person we love has other things going on with their lives. If you think you are in competition with his opportunities in life, you are going to be disappointed in most of your relationships unless the guy never leaves your side and only makes decisions you feel doesn't compromise your value. My wife never resented me for my work in the military being away from her for months at a time. She also never resented me for my time doing fitness and extreme sports sojourns over the years with buddies. She has always been proud of my accomplishments and my service to my country. Recently, my wife was given the opportunity to go to Oxford for the summer to study while I had projects in the states that I had to be in America for. I hugged her, congratulated her on the opportunity and missed her terribly. It was the least I could do for the woman whom I adore above all other things in life. You see, I'm not a "ball & chain," I'm her "lighthouse & anchor." Whatever you decide, learn to appreciate that constant togetherness isn't always conducive to being well rounded people. Therefore, with the attitude you have now and.obvious relationship and sex issues you have mentioned here, and your obvious resentment, I would say move on. Good luck, Grumps 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author heather03 Posted July 13, 2015 Author Share Posted July 13, 2015 Love is not possession. The fact that you resent him for taking a great opportunity that will overall improve his quality of life and outlook about the world means you are infatuated with him. Love lets us still love even when the person we love has other things going on with their lives. If you think you are in competition with his opportunities in life, you are going to be disappointed in most of your relationships unless the guy never leaves your side and only makes decisions you feel doesn't compromise your value. My wife never resented me for my work in the military being away from her for months at a time. She also never resented me for my time doing fitness and extreme sports sojourns over the years with buddies. She has always been proud of my accomplishments and my service to my country. Recently, my wife was given the opportunity to go to Oxford for the summer to study while I had projects in the states that I had to be in America for. I hugged her, congratulated her on the opportunity and missed her terribly. It was the least I could do for the woman whom I adore above all other things in life. You see, I'm not a "ball & chain," I'm her "lighthouse & anchor." Whatever you decide, learn to appreciate that constant togetherness isn't always conducive to being well rounded people. Therefore, with the attitude you have now and.obvious relationship and sex issues you have mentioned here, and your obvious resentment, I would say move on. Good luck, Grumps This actually gives me a lot to think about, I appreciate this post. You're right, I don't want someone who will only do what I think is right and would pass up amazing opportunities just because I would rather them sit next to me all the time. My parents do everything together; own their own business together, share a car, live together obviously, etc, so I've always had that as a living example. I guess its time I realise that I don't want/need a relationship like that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
clam Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 Sex only two times in two years??? Toss this one back. You don't belong together. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 Sex only two times in two years??? Toss this one back. You don't belong together. Gotta agree with this. Your relationship wasn't sound. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author heather03 Posted July 21, 2015 Author Share Posted July 21, 2015 Gotta agree with this. Your relationship wasn't sound. I agree too...definitely a lot of underlying issues in this relationship Link to post Share on other sites
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