Broke up after 3 years and I proposed, Now I can't stop thinking about her

[lucidprez]

We met when I was in grad school in SB. I was 27 she was 22.

We were both dating other people but it took about 1 week before we were committed to each other and together all the time, usually at my place. I met her parents, they loved me. Sex was great. Everything was so fantastic.

Then I graduated and we didn't want to break up so we decided that she would move to LA with me. She had wanted to be an actress (at the time) and she said she would move to LA eventually anyways.

 

When we moved to LA we stayed in my cousins guest bedroom. I looked for a job and she worked. She worked very hard and got jobs as a waitress and babysitter, working 7 days a week for a few stretches.

 

Still, My family didn't approve of her because she hadn't finished school and she's a different religion. In general, my family was very negative in our relationship, making her feel not welcome. That was unfortunate because family was very important to her. When I would get upset at my family for being rude, efforts were made to change, but at that point, she was already distrusting of my family and tried to avoid seeing them.

 

After a few months I found a job and we got a small apartment. At this time, our sex life was suffering. When we would argue she would cry and get in her car and start to drive home to SB or drive and park somewhere. She would eventually call me, or I would call her, and we would talk it out and she would pull off the freeway and come back. Sometimes she would go all the way back to SB and stay with her parents. She started getting treatment for depression but nothing seemed to work. I stood beside her and loved her more than ever.

 

Still, we had our negative cycle. I would want to have sex, she wouldn't want to have sex with me, it would make me feel hurt, I would start counting the days that we didn't have sex. Eventually I would blow up at her, tell her I need a sex life and we should open up our relationship to other people. She would get upset, run off, I'd apologize and tell her I'm just so frustrated, we would make up, have sex, things would be good for a few days, then the cycle would repeat.

I was never unfaithful. I never even tried talking to other women.

 

We had big ups and downs where we yelled and broke up with each other, but breaking up was just within the conversation and one of us would eventually reach out and we would make up.

 

Things got a little better when I started making good money and she stopped working. Still, we weren't happy. I started buying her new things..iphone/computer/gym membership/nice dinners/jewelry/trips.. anything to make her happy, but It didn't work. To make matters worse, my family moved in down the street from my apartment. Her depression got worse and she had trouble getting going. I would go with her to look for jobs, and apply for school but she would always have an excuse as to why she can't do it, or why it's the wrong job, etc...

 

During Christmas 2014, we went to SB to stay with her parents (as was Christmas tradition). We were not doing well. It finally got to the point where there was no sex, I was upset but was also trying to hide it while trying to make her happy, showering her with affection. Then when nothing worked, I got frustrated, had a minor blow-up and told her I want to see other people because my needs aren't being met. I stormed off back to LA and left her at her parents house. A few days go by (the cold war) and she text's me that she misses me. I'm still angry and tell her we need to break up. She says ok.. I start to feel bad right away but am too stubborn to message her back.

 

I contact her a few days later, after I've cooled down, and tell her "lets work on it.". She responds that she wants to break up and she will be coming to get her stuff soon. I'm devastated right away and start begging. She doesn't respond. We spend new years apart which was very difficult on me. She made a couple of trips back to the apartment to move her stuff over the next few months (jan-feb). During this time, I'm writing her love letters and sending her music that shows how much I love her, I'm even going to visit her in SB on the weekends (but she's very cold and distant and no sex). I can feel that I'm losing her. Desperate to not lose her, I go out and buy a ring. When she comes back to the apartment one last time to move the rest of her things, I get on one knee and propose marriage. She rejects me. Takes the rest of her stuff and leaves. Needless to say, I"m devastated beyond belief. A few days goes by, and I contact her telling her that I can't live without her, and for us to give counseling a try. I start going to counseling on my own because I want to show her how serious I am. I never get her to counseling, but I do get her to make a 10 minute phone appearance. During that conversation, the counselor convinces her to let me come visit her in person. I go visit her 3 out of next 4 weekends. Each time I visit her, we don't have sex, I feel hurt and I leave dejected. Finally, I wake up angry after a night of no sex. She can tell I'm angry, we have some words, and I leave back to LA.... that's the last time I saw her. Neither one of us reached out to communicate with the other for the next 3 months. During this time I'm not eating, not sleeping, crying all the time, thinking bad thoughts... I lost 20 pounds due to the stress.

 

Her birthday was in May, last time we spoke was in February. For her birthday, I made her an artbook using images of drawings about love. I also sent her an email at midnight. She didn't respond.

 

I had an open line of communication with her mother, and her mother told me that "she got the gift, and I can tell she felt guilty about it because she doesn't want to talk to me.. but that YOU should go out and have fun."...

 

To me this meant = She is already seeing other guys. Again, I was devastated.

At this point, I have been crying for 5 months. Not crying as frequently or intensely as before, but still crying a lot. My life feels empty. I'm just a shell of a person most of the time.

 

I started dating again. I had sex a few times. Whenever I was alone after having sex I would throw up and start crying. I felt like I was cheating. Then I would start worrying about her with other men. It only took a few times of having sex before I broke it off with the new girl... To cope, I started smoking weed again.. and a lot of it. Anything to mask the pain. Days would go by where I don't know what was going on.

 

My work has been going well and I ended up buying a new car and renting a house. Plus I had lost 20 pounds. As soon as I posted photos of my new house/car online, my ex-gf contacts me with some sort of vague need to mail me stuff and she wants to confirm my mailing address. I don't respond since I know she knows my PO BOX address. I'm also going no contact because I'm reading all these forums and taking that advice.

 

A few weeks later is my 30th Birthday. 30 is a big one, and I assume that she will at least contact me to say happy birthday. She doesnt. Recently I got the stuff she wanted to mail me. It was a bunch of useless documents (direct tv sign up packet, etc..) She also had a note saying Thank you for everything, "love always."

 

I have still not responded to her. I am waiting for her to contact me again. However, I don't think she will contact me again. She didnt contact me on my 30th b-day. Also, even if she did contact me, I don't know if I would want to get back together with her.

 

It sounds like she's been out with other men. Plus, she's hurt me so bad, I don't know if I could ever trust her again. I've read some of the other posts and I know there are 2 camps.. If she left you and she slept with someone else, and now she comes back, you can either 1) reject her, 2) accept her.

 

Some people think it's not right to even ask if she's been with other men.. I disagree, it's eating me up inside and she hasn't even tried to get back with me. I don't think I could take her back because even if she said she hadn't been with anyone I wouldn't believe her. The trust is already broken. I want to just move on and then it wont be my concern if she's been with other men. I'm hoping this post will help me do that. We just started July so it's been 5 months since I've seen her and it feels like yesterday. Part of me is stronger, but another part of still totally destroyed.

 

Should I reach out to her?

Should I wait for her to reach out to me?

If She reaches out, should I respond?

... Should I just ask about other men right away?

 

Thank you all

Edited July 3, 2015 by lucidprez

[EgoJoe]

Get into therapy for you and move on.

[m.snow]

why don't you go after her, go all in blind! and risk it all.

look deep into your heart and instinct somehow you already know the answer.

some times we just need to take a leap of faith.

 

she might have seen other men and slept with them. so what, that's in the past. just tell her to be honest with you.

 

better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

 

there will always be a chance she will cheat on you

there will always be a chance she will leave you

but those chances will be same for all women.

life is a game and you the player, we have to roll the dice

 

there are a lot of women out there. but for now you want her so go all out to get her.

 

Should I reach out to her? Go for it! You Only Live Once!

Should I wait for her to reach out to me? don't ever hesitate

If She reaches out, should I respond? of course

Should I just ask about other men right away? ~ Irrelevant

 

Grab a phone call her! better yet buy a ticket and go to her! pass or fail that just life! don't second guess your self

Edited July 4, 2015 by m.snow