Being straightforward vs slowly building momentum

[memelia]

I have been going back and forth about choosing NC and LC vs building forward emotional momentum. I'm leaning towards building emotional momentum for now, and trying to learn how I could pull this off effectively, as I really hope to be able to reconcile things with the ex bf. I'm curious to find out, what have you guys seen in terms of those who have been straightforward in laying the cards on the table, and being sincere in the apologies and expressing hopes for reconciliation (and then going into NC/LC if it doesn't work out) vs slowly building emotional momentum (and hopefully translates into something substantial)? One is more short-term vs the latter being more long-term of an approach i guess?

[SLee]

This may not be what you wanna hear, but here it goes.

 

When my ex dumped me, I did everything I thought might change his mind. Of course I did the embarrassing pleading/begging thing first. But then I tried apologizing calmly and rationally, explaining my side of things to him while understanding his feelings, all the stuff I thought might work.

 

None of it did.

 

I clung to hope of reconciliation for a while too. For a while, and still sometimes, it's the only thing that keeps me going. If I make all these awesome improvements on myself and my life, he'll see that and want me back some day. It's not exactly healthy, but it helped me make steps to get MY life in order again and made me proud of MYSELF for doing them and taking action.

 

Here's where reconciliation works: After significant amount of time of no contact and BOTH parties have COMPLETELY moved so all the hurt is dead and buried. Ideally, it's the dumper who makes the first move.

 

Anything you do to reach out and say whatever you can think of that you think might turn their mind, isn't going to work. It only makes you look needy to them. When exes DO come back, very often they don't, it's when you're completely healed and moved on. That's the only time they come back. And many times, when that happens, the dumpee has had time to reflect on the relationships and themselves and doesn't want them back.

 

Reconciliation is rare. I know in real life you see exes getting back together all the time. But it has to be under certain conditions and only when all the hurt is gone and a significant amount of time has passed. Otherwise, if reconciliation is attempted, it's a train wreck.

 

My advice is to go NC and improve YOUR life. Make YOURSELF and what you want out of life the center of the universe. If it helps, that really is your only "chance" at getting them back. But don't expect it. Don't trust your hope too much. By the time you completely heal and do all that you can to work on you, you may not even want your ex back.

 

Other posters have posted this so you may have seen it, but when I was dumped, it helped me tremendously. Give it a look: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

[Ruby65]

I can't really add to the above excellent advice, other than to say that usually when reconciliations work, it's the Dumper who does the work to make it happen -- not the one who's been broken up with.

 

It's natural to try and negotiate your way back into the relationship, to come up with different strategies, after the breakup.

 

The thing is, what works doesn't have to do with you -- or anything you do or say or think or feel. It's all on your ex. No strategy is more or less effective than any other -- although keeping in contact does tend to help them miss you less.

 

If he decides he wants you back, he'll do the work to make it happen!

 

All you have to do right now is focus on healing and getting yourself back. Cutting contact makes this process about a billion times easier.

 

[Mrlonelyone]

As others have said above if you are the dumped and they are the dumper they have to want to come back. It usually takes a long time for that kind of change to happen, it happens when they start to miss you...months. So the only way for that to happen is to go NC.

 

However I differ from the above in that you have to go NC in such a way that you leave the door open a crack. Don't slam the door so hard that they can never come back.

 

If you shut off all communications, block everything, change your Email, change your number, get a restraining order against him (everything but the last one is often recommended here) he will not contact you even if he does miss you. The idea that if the dumper really wants you back they will do all the pursuing and overcome all obstacles alone isn't right. Relationships don't start by one person, they don't restart because of one person .

 

 

The above assumes your BF is the dumper. If you are the dumper or if it felt mutual then you need to proceed as if you were the dumper. You need to be proactive and reach out if that is the case.

[Ruby65]

Going NC -- and that includes blocking future means contact from the ex -- is the best way for you to heal, period.

 

It's hardly the same as getting a restraining order against him.

 

Be aware though that leaving the door open means many exes will reach out to contact you -- not to reconcile, but to assuage their guilt, to friendzone you, to get an ego stroke, to set you up as a possible Plan B option, etc.

 

Unless they're asking you for a reconciliation.... the contact is always for THEIR benefit, so they can feel better, without regard for you or your feelings.

 

When an ex TRULY wants to reconcile, simply blocking them won't stop them from finding a way to reach you and tell you this -- which the ONLY message you should ever consider responding to.

 

Edited May 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mrlonelyone]

When an ex TRULY wants to reconcile, simply blocking them won't stop them from finding a way to reach you and tell you this -- which the ONLY message you should ever consider responding to.

 

 

 

1.) You need to recognize the gender difference between this op 's exBF and you as a once exGF. A male who pursues a woman inspite of all the measures you describe would run a real risk of being called a stalker, perhaps even charged with harassment. No man in their right mind would pursue a woman who did all of that.

 

 

2.) Leaving the door open is not about not blocking on social media. It is about how you act when it ended. If an OP already begged, and pleaded, then, they left the door, wide, open.

 

NC is delete and/or block on social media.

NC is don't call, don't write, don't snoop, don't try to run into.

 

NC is not, do not pick up the phone if reconciliation is possible.

NC is not, block them on chat apps and filter their emails, if reconciliation is possible.

 

NC is about making it your decision to have nothing to do with them, healing, taking back your power, and looking at all your options. In a sense, making a ex into your Plan B.

Here is a good post which describes some questions to ask yourself about the relationship and how to proceed if contact is ever initiated. It requires that your ex agree to and go through with a face to face meeting. If they won't keep NC and move on.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/526063-why-nc-itself-isn-t-enough-guide-alleviating-your-post-break-up-pains

Edited May 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[na49]

A male who pursues a woman inspite of all the measures you describe would run a real risk of being called a stalker, perhaps even charged with harassment.

 

Umm... it definitely is not gender specific. My ex GF is blocked everywhere so when she really wanted to contact me, she started to spam my school email, and when that didn't work, she made a fake Facebook account to message me. Would she not risk being called a stalker by doing all of this? I'm sure she realized how "creepy" it is for her to make a fake account just to message me. She obviously didn't care though.

[BC1980]

You're trying to contrive a way to get someone back, but the problem is that he probably doesn't want to get back together. His motivations are going to be different. It's not like the cat and mouse games people play when they first meet. The dynamic is totally different now.

[Satu]

You can't make someone want something they don't want.

[Mrlonelyone]

I'm on team empirical data. Which if we deal in reality is the winning team.

 

Surprising number of divorcing parents are open to reconciliation, new University of Minnesota study finds | Discover | University of Minnesota

 

When asked if they would be seriously interested in obtaining reconciliation services, about three in 10 individuals expressed openness to receiving help. In one in 10 couples both partners were interested in reconciliation services, and in one in three couples one partner was interested and the other not. Overall, in about 45 percent of couples, one or both of the partners reported holding hopes for the marriage and a possible interest in reconciliation. Males were more interested than females in reconciliation.

 

 

 

 

You're trying to contrive a way to get someone back, but the problem is that he probably doesn't want to get back together. His motivations are going to be different. It's not like the cat and mouse games people play when they first meet. The dynamic is totally different now.

 

This is very true. In the real life stories of people getting back together that I know of this is how it worked.

 

My parents had been together since the early 1970's separated in the mid 90's for two years. It seemed totally done. Part of the process was that for a while it seemed totally done but for the paperwork. However they had kids together. Every once in a while some decision would have to be made for the sake of me and my sister. Eventually dad and my sister moved back here and sometime after that they reconciled.

 

 

Me and my ex known as S. We were together in 2000 to 2004 with a 17 month break up. FB etc did not exist yet. I moved on and moved away. She almost married someone else. I got back with her by going to her house and knocking on the door. She opened the door. We had one more good year together (Then her family from an ethnicity which has been known for honor killing moved her and her child who looks allot like me moved away and broke contact again for years. I get a picture every once in a while.)

 

 

Recently: My sister dated a guy about three years ago who was quite insecure about his level of education. He would flash money from his job flipping houses and apartments and was a jerk in certain other ways. (installed a screen door on our house ...put it in backwards DOH). My sister dated other men a couple were very serious. My mother tells me in that case they were in some very limited contact all that time.

 

 

Heck, on "Say yes to the dress" there was a bride who described going on one date with the guy she's about to marry. He did not want to continue. Six months latter he wanted another "first date" she agreed. Now they are getting married.

 

 

In all of those cases one person or the other had to take the risk of making contact, and the other had to take the risk of opening a door, taking a call, answering a message. The peer reviewed data I cited backs this up. Both parties need to want it and pursue it.

 

 

You can't make someone else want you but if they decide on their own that they do want you and you still want them you have to break NC.

The bottom line OP is that right now there is nothing you can do to make them want you. You have to behave as if it is over and done and will never be back on again. We all agree on that. I just say look at the actual data. There is a 10% chance both of you want to try again at the same time, and a 45% chance one of you will want to try at any given time.

Edited May 16, 2015 by Mrlonelyone

[Mrlonelyone]

Umm... it definitely is not gender specific. My ex GF is blocked everywhere so when she really wanted to contact me, she started to spam my school email, and when that didn't work, she made a fake Facebook account to message me. Would she not risk being called a stalker by doing all of this? I'm sure she realized how "creepy" it is for her to make a fake account just to message me. She obviously didn't care though.

 

My point was if a man did that. (The OP is a woman and we are talking about an ex BF) he would run an enhanced risk of being called a stalker...and maybe even being hit with a restraining order or worse.

 

http://www.ncsl.org/research/telecommunications-and-information-technology/cyberstalking-and-cyberharassment-laws.aspx

 

Cyberharassment. Cyberharassment differs from cyberstalking in that it may generally be defined as not involving a credible threat. Cyberharassment usually pertains to threatening or harassing email messages, instant messages, or to blog entries or websites dedicated solely to tormenting an individual. Some states approach cyberharrassment by including language addressing electronic communications in general harassment statutes, while others have created stand-alone cyberharassment statutes.

 

In the United States of America at least what you describe is actually a crime in a number of states.

 

So what you are all saying is we should want the person we want back to risk being changed with a felony to get us back? That makes sense. :/

[DJOkawari]

You can't make someone want something they don't want.

 

I thought this was the premise of advertising

 

 

But agreeing with everyone - time is needed and for reconciliation the dumper's initiative is needed.

 

I'd like to add, in my situation I'd still like to reconcile, on the other hand I'm so glad the break up happened. So many positives have come out of it. Maybe you'll be surprised at where this aspect of your journey takes you.

[Summerrose2013]

You can win some exes back. A year ago I would have done anything. Now he's asking for a second chance and I can only see reasons why it won't work. Do I feel good about him coming back? No. Though I would but I don't. It just 're complicates my life. I had moved on now I'm reliving it all.....I'll come back when I've got a proper keyboard and I will share how I got him wanting me back after cruelly and coldly dumping me. It's what I would have wanted to read a year ago.

[memelia]

Sigh.

 

Thanks for all the kind advice guys. Although, can i just add that we both had a relatively healthy relationship, in which we were both honest and upfront pretty much most of the time in sharing our feelings etc.... the thing is, it is partially my fault that the breakup happened, because I got oversensitive over something pretty minor, and it probably set him off the wrong way, bearing in mind this is not the first time it happened... also side note, we've been together for 1 yr 4 mths. Well anyways i did not reach out after the conflict to apologize whatsoever... was still pretty pissed about it... he did reach out twice after to explain himself... i should have made the final call to apologize and move on from there.... but i guess i did let the issue get in the way and ended up seeming like i was emotionally immature and a drama queen... which in truth, is something i'm trying to overcome! I'm not really used to handling conflicts... my tendency is to shut down normally... but he has really helped me to break out of my shell much more than before we met... so that im grateful for.... anyways, all i can say is..... i guess i screwed this up... and now he probably lost feelings for me due to my unpredictable nature... arrrgh

 

Anyways im trying to move on now... been close to 1 month. I'm just working on myself now and focusing on other goals. Tempted at times to break NC... i guess... i dont know what i want.... do i want to try again or at least maintain a healthy communication with him? I dont know... i guess part of me feels guilty?

 

Also, I do realize I havent been REALLY single for close to 5 years now. Perhaps sometimes i feel i dont really know how to be contented being by myself. That's something I'm exploring now.

[Summerrose2013]

You haven't given a lot of detail about your RS, but it most cases both sides have to share responsibility for a break up, although in my experience, only one party seems to shoulder all the heartache.

 

 

I only really started to become friends with my ex after a few months had passed, but I think with some people it's better to start a reconciliation sooner, and for others, you both need more time apart. Only you can test the waters for your circumstances.

 

 

I maintained Low Contact with my ex throughout the year since our BU, but we had known each other for many, many years prior to starting a RS.

 

 

I came to realise, with time apart, many of the things we had BOTH done wrong. In time, we had an open discussion about this and it really cleared the air for both of us. He only really started to talk to me 'properly' after we got honest with each other. And he only started to want me back after I had created an amazing life for myself (and of course he only knew this because we had maintained low contact).... a life that unfortunately for him no longer holds a place for someone with his amount of baggage/other deal breakers. I'm currently now struggling with the process of letting HIM go because I know in my heart it that I need to move on now...

 

 

I wish you luck if you want him back, but as others have said before - you can't ever go back to an old RS, you have to create a new one afresh.