Should I give him another chance?

[Violet dateline]

I am 11 months out of a relationship with a man that I was with for 10 years, married for 1 and who I have a 2 year old child with. We separated last June, sold our house and now live separately. Our relationship was terrible the last year before we split. I was home alone on maternity leave with out child and felt so alone. He literally did nothing to help me with the baby. When he would get home from work he would go down to the basement and watch tv alone. I would have to beg him to watch the baby so I could shower. We stopped sleeping in the same bed, he spent every night on the couch. He became very controlling over the baby even though he never spent any time with her. He would tell me that my family couldn't come to our house when his mom came to visit because it would take away from her time with the baby. One time I woke up from a nap to hear him screaming at my mom on the phone telling her that he will decide who is welcome in his home and that my family is not. I should mention that I'm very close with my mom and she gave us the down payment for our home. Him excluding my family made me angry and resentful towards him. One day he left his phone lying around and I read some of his text messages to his friends where he referred to me as the b word and said I don't matter and he can't stand me. Towards the end of us living together we would regularly get into huge screaming matches and we said some very nasty things to each other. This time coincided with finding out that his estranged father had committed suicide and he was very angry and emotional. He would say things to me just to hurt me things about my family and my past. He said that my father left me because he hates me, he told me I deserved to be raped referring to something that happened to me in my youth. I am not entirely innocent here, near the end I hated him and I told him I wouldn't care if he died and made some low blow remarks about his family specifically about his mother having problems with alcohol. I couldn't take anymore and I didn't want my child to grow up in such a hostile, toxic relationship. We separated. At first I think he was happy. He was spending a lot of time with his single friends, going out and talking to different girls. 4 months after we split I started dating a coworker of mine and it was really nice to have someone to take my mind off all the bad stuff. 7 months later and I am still dating him and things are ok. I get along good with the new guy, he says he loves me but there are definitely some things that bother me too. We don't fight but we don't really do much either. Our relationship pretty much consists of hanging out at his apartment. He's never taken me out anywhere that costs money and I haven't met anyone is his life other then his young kids. I really do value his friendship though, he makes me laugh and he keeps my mind off of my ex. Over the past 11 months since we have been apart my ex has stepped up 100% with our child. He sees her twice sometimes three days a week and every second weekend. He pays child support and he really is a good father. For the last 5 months or so we have been communicating through text and he has been telling me that he wants me back, he wants to go to counselling. He feels that things got so bad because of all the changes that happened at once. We got married, had a baby, his dad died all within a few months. He said he was dealing with a lot emotionally and he didn't know how to cope. He tells me he loves me, he's sorry, he wants his family back. He wants us to go to counselling. He said he can't get over me, he's gone on dates but can't get serious with anyone because he's in love with me. He has made an effort to mend his relationship with my mom. I don't know what to do. I am seeing someone else who I like and have feelings for but not the same feelings I have for my ex. I really would love for things to work out with my ex but I'm also terrified that things will go back to the way they were even though he assures me they won't. He wants to take things slow and do therapy together but he is also pressuring me to break up with the guy I'm seeing. I don't know if I should give him another chance.

[d0nnivain]

Because things seem to have been good before you got married & there were a LOT of changes in a short period of time before you divorce I'd go to at least one counseling session with him. If you are both working to fix the problems, there is a chance. However, some of what he did including not helping with the baby & screaming at your mother is borderline unforgivable.

 

Then again I am a soft hearted person sometimes so you have to make the decision with your head too.

[Mr Carson]

Stress almost ended my M so I understand, but even though things weren’t good between W and I, I could never just ignore my kids. I know he’s been stepping up but some core issues must be addressed in counseling, proceed with caution at your own risk. Make sure the changes are real anyone can put on a charade for a time.

[No Limit]

No, don't let him back. He just needs you as emotional tampon because he has a rough patch, then he'll be his old nasty self. Don't open this can of worms, protect yourself and your baby from his madness and stupidity.

[sandylee1]

If my husband spoke to my mother that way, called me a b***H and wouldn't help with the baby, I would do what you did.

 

Unless he profusely apologised to my mother, I wouldn't even consider giving him a second chance. I would not accept him vetting my family visiting.

 

I hope he's not wanting to reconcile, just because your dating.

[Mrlonelyone]

You are married to this man and have a child with him. There is too much at stake to casually walk away go NC etc etc. Instead you should as others have said consult a professional couples councilor, you should also seek individual counseling. There is free counseling in most large cities in Europe and the Americas.