Proposition denied

[SerCay]

So my ex has been asking for a reconciliation for months on end now.

On the other hand, he hasn't changed the main sources why I broke up with him.

 

2 main reasons.

 

1. His electronics are hidden from me. He can call and browse on my phone, I cannot on his. It's always hidden with passwords and everything. In the past I once had to make an urgent call with his phone, as mine was home and I saw that he had spoken to multiple girls I didn't even know of, the night before. That's when I found out that he has stuff to hide, and that's the reason his phone is hidden. Fastforward years later, his phone is still hidden. So is his PC, while he easily logs into mine and does whatever he needs to do.

 

2. His friends are hidden from me. I don't know who my he is in contact with daily. I don't know where he met his friends, who they are, etc. I only know his best friend and a couple of his football buddies, but I have seen them maybe a total of 5 times in the past 4.5 years. About his female friends, most of them he has had sex with in the past. I told him I would either like to get to know them too, or I don't want him to be in touch with them if he's going to hide the dynamics. His usual reply is that he's not meeting up with them, he's just chatting on IM and phone. But I find it unacceptable. Granted, in the past I did this too. Without bad intentions I had multiple male friends and they came over to my place as well. THe difference is that I ALWAYS invited my boyfriend to come over as well, so we can hang out the 3 of us.

 

He never wanted to come over, so I just stopped hanging out with my male friends. I put my RS first. He on the other hand, has actively kept me seperate from his female friends.

 

The above mentioned reasons have caused me to have 0 trust in him. I don't trust him anymore and he is not willing to do anything about it. He doesn't want to see that I can't be with him if I don't trust him.

 

 

So since I do not agree with the above things, and he is complaining that I don't give him enough attention, I told him that I put up walls between us, I do not want to give him the attention he needs because of mainly the above mentioned 2 reasons. I feel I will be hurt again if I go full in and he maintains his behaviours. Because he's continuously pursuing me, I decided I will give him a proposition.

 

I said:

 

If you want to be together with me, then I get clarity about your friends and about how you've met them. No more contact with ex-flings. Your phone and PC are no longer hidden from me. I can make use of them just as you make use of mine. No secrets from each other and a full package relationship. I will give you all the attention you need, and will focus on our relationship. We will build towards a future. If you aren't up for this, then I want no contact at all so I can move on with life.

 

 

Guess what ? The guy who has been after me for months to get back together (of course with a lot of complaints about me), said no, he doesn't want it.

 

Guess he truly wanted to have his cake and eat it too. I know now that what he wanted was simple: I care for him with all my heart and ask no questions about his life outside of our relationship and never be involved in it. No thanks.

Edited May 1, 2015 by SerCay

[DJOkawari]

Knowing what you want is such a beautiful thing. Brava

[Michelle ma Belle]

Yikes. This guy sounds like a prize...NOT!

 

Congratulations OP. You're better off without him.

 

Now go out and snag yourself a guy that truly deserves you

[sandylee1]

Why would you consider a reconciliation when he hasn't changed. I'd let him know you're better apart .

[na49]

Well at least you know what his intentions were. He was lonely, and surely would have bounced once he found someone new/got bored. My ex gave me a similar contract when she was asking about trying for a third time. She was so sure she wanted me, until I told her I wanted to work on the relationship, and not pretend like nothing happened. That didn't work for her so she pitched me a fake friendship while she "explores". It only took her a week to have a new boyfriend. Her second boyfriend since dumping me 3 months ago. :sick:

 

Good job setting boundaries and sticking to them!

[SerCay]

Well at least you know what his intentions were. He was lonely, and surely would have bounced once he found someone new/got bored. My ex gave me a similar contract when she was asking about trying for a third time. She was so sure she wanted me, until I told her I wanted to work on the relationship, and not pretend like nothing happened. That didn't work for her so she pitched me a fake friendship while she "explores". It only took her a week to have a new boyfriend. Her second boyfriend since dumping me 3 months ago. :sick:

 

Good job setting boundaries and sticking to them!

 

Thanks Na49

 

If I would have agreed to his terms, he would have stayed with me life long....His parents have a similar relationship...

 

It's just not for me.

 

I hate the exploring thing your ex did. That's just mean.

 

I have never understood how people go around looking for new partners RIGHT after their previous relationship ends..The next one will definitely not be a healthy one believe me. There's always some processing and learnin to do first, otherwise you fall right back into the same behavioral patterns..

[spiderowl]

I can understand any person not wanting their partner to access their private phone or computer. We all need a private life. Just because we have a private life doesn't mean we are flirting with anyone else or arranging to see them. I too would refuse such access to a partner. Having said that, he should not have access to your phone or computer either. In fact, I would put a stop to that by getting someone else in to sort out the permissions issue. At least then you will be on an equal footing regarding access to each other's information.

 

But, you feel you can't trust him. It sounds to me like you feel he has control over what you do but won't allow you to have control over him. So the issue is as much about control as trust. Why should he have any control over you? Yes, I would deny him that. He is not your current boyfriend so what right has he at all?

 

Whatever he has been up to, or not, you don't trust him so it looks like there is no point rekindling the relationship. There is no point setting down conditions because no proud person in their right mind would ever accept conditions: relationships have to be based on trust from the start so that one never feels the need to impose conditions.

Edited May 4, 2015 by spiderowl