High-Stakes Poker Game and I'm All In...

[Sharpie77]

First post!

 

On March 1st of this year my wife told me she felt our relationship was over.

 

We will have been married for 9 years in July. We have two children: a 5-year-old and a 2.5 year-old. We lost our first child - our daughter - in late 2008. She was stillborn - and we both agree that we wouldn't be where we are at if that had not happened.

 

My wife's reasoning for wanting to end our relationship: she feels that I wasn't in the relationship for a long time and that she carried the torch by herself and she just got to the point where she could not do it anymore. She realized it was affecting her mental state of mind - making her an angry person. She feels she can no longer trust me (please know that there has not been any infidelity, abuse and so on - her mistrust stems from her entrusting me with her happiness and me letting her down) and she holds a lot of anger and resentment towards me.

 

My defense: I admit my shortcomings in recent years. It has taken me several weeks to really examine my role in what went down (and what didn't). I've had to take stock of how I changed - and what effect that had on her. I can't speak from her heart - I can only speak from mine and take responsibility for my actions. Before we lost our daughter - I was a very emotional guy - I was the goofy romantic who wore his heart too close to the surface - but it made me who I was - and she was the same way - which I think is what drew us together.

 

I know I changed after we lost her. The emotional pain was horrendous and without realizing it - I began putting up barriers around my emotions to protect myself - and a by-product of this was that I closed her out - not completely - but enough. I've come to realize that relationships don't require 50/50 giving by both partners - but they require that each partner gives something - and I may not have given enough.

 

Our priorities changed after we lost our daughter. I think it is easier when you're a young couple because your priorities are wide open - the canvas is blank - but as you start filling that canvas in you have to narrow your focus. I became so focused (and again - I can only speak in terms of "I") on having another child and being the best father and husband and friend and provider and so on that I could be. I now believe that priorities can change - but you need to have the foresight and communication in place to discuss them so that you can move forward together or at least compromise on a path. We did not do this. I know I lost sight of what I wanted for our relationship in the present and most definitely for the future.

 

I've also had to think about how I communicate. I am a subtle communicator. I needed to speak with a louder signal. I needed to communicate my thoughts and needs and desire more than I did. I assumed the message was getting across - when it wasn't.

 

Finally, we just got ourselves into a rut and my mistake was waiting for that rut to pass. She gave me plenty of hints and outright prodding to do something - set something up - and I didn't follow through. I can blame it on my passive personality or the fact that I felt content.

 

All this being said - I believe these are fixable problems and she does not. To be fair, when she first hit me with this - I couldn't see my role or I couldn't admit my role. I could not understand how she got to this point and how she could be so resolute in her decision. I saw what we had and thought we could have it again if she was willing to fight alongside me. She saw what we had and decided it wasn't fixable and that the path forward was to write it off and go our separate ways.

 

Continued in a moment...

[Sharpie77]

She filed divorce paperwork and I was served on the 24th of March. It has been amicable so far. We are putting the kids first and want our split to be as easy on them as possible.

 

It's been a wild ride at times. There have been moments where we thought and said really bad things about one another. They say the opposite of love is hate - and while we haven't had outright hate - we've had some bad moments.

 

I can admit that I said things to my sisters and mom at times - usually via text - that I should have held back. I have a lot of emotions going on in my head - a lot of things that don't make sense. I should have confided my emotions in her instead of other people - but it has been tough to know how to approach her. On her side - she has held onto a lot of resentment and anger and at times she has been very cold and sometimes downright unthinking and mean.

 

We have had honest discussions about our feelings - good discussions - where we've both been able to admit that we're scared and sad and feeling vulnerable.

 

We did try seeing a counselor right after her announcement - but she was never in it - so it fizzled out after two sessions.

 

I guess I should tell you all of our current living situation. We still live together in the same house. We generally still operate as a family unit - but without the connection that a husband and wife should have. We cook and eat dinner together. We take care of the kids together - none of this has changed - except for the fact that we take turns sleeping on the couch. For the longest time after she made her announcement we continued to sleep in the same bed - then she decided (maybe after three weeks or so) that we should alternate the bed and the couch. We did that a few nights and then went back to sharing the bed - but with a body pillow dividing the bed in half.

 

We reached our low point on the weekend of April 11th. I came home from work on Friday and she announced she was going out with "friends" and offered no additional details. I didn't press - but it unnerved me. I knew this was coming - but it came without warning. I had gone out the Friday before but I let her know where I was going. Anyway, she went out - and was only gone for a couple of hours (home by 9) - so I have no idea what that was about - a point proven, perhaps? She went out the next night to her monthly "book club" with her friends and when she came home she was full of rage - and I had no idea what was up. It boiled down to the fact that she had "accidentally" read a text I had sent my sister the night before when I was upset where I said some things that were not horrible - but were not exactly "nice" either. It was a bad scene and while we simmered down on Sunday she concluded that this was becoming an unhealthy situation and that we could not continue to live under the same roof together and that we should prepare to start "nesting" with the kids staying at home while we moved in and out on "our" nights and she said we should tell the kids the following Sunday.

[Sharpie77]

During the week - my therapist told me I should write down my postmortem of our relationship (basically everything I talked about in the first part of the post - changing priorities, what losing our daughter meant, and so on) into a letter and give it to her. I did that - I also spoke to the fact that yeah, I have a sea of emotions in my head right now and I don't always react properly and I concluded the letter by saying how hard it was to say goodbye to her and that ultimately I wanted her to be happy. It was a good letter - and honest letter.

 

I wrote it on Tuesday and gave it to her on Wednesday morning. She sent me a text and said she'd gotten through part of it - but had gotten busy and had put it down. It sat on our daughter's dresser for several days until Thursday night when I "casually" tossed it on the changing table before saying goodnight to my daughter. She picked it up the next morning and must have read it because it's currently in her work bag - so she at least didn't toss it out.

 

Anyway - I sent her a text on Friday and suggested we hold off telling the kids. My reasoning was I wanted to put in as many hours as I could to help pay down our combined debt (which isn't a lot) and that it would help if we could put it off. Honestly, I just don't want to tell them and I want to give them as much time as possible. I really expected her to stick to her guns and say no - we need to tell them - this living situation is becoming unbearable - but she responded agreeing we should put if off (no timetable was set) and she said she'd work on slowing down her pace (which I take to mean her pace to get the divorce done) and that she would be more present (going out less) and would do more to help with kids.

 

When I came home on Friday she was in the kitchen making dinner. I went to set the table and she started tearing up. She then went into the bedroom and cried for several minutes before joining us out in the living room. She was pleasant and engaged - which is something she hasn't always been over the past six weeks. She complained about not feeling right - saying that there were a lot of things "wrong" with her. She had an IUD put in several weeks ago to address some longstanding hormonal imbalances but it messed her up and she had it taken out.

 

She kept complaining that night about not feeling well - and she hardly touched her dinner. She has gone back and forth the last couple of days about her ill health being from the IUD or being from stress. She was ready for bed before I was even done putting our son to bed - but I did spend a few minutes with her in the bedroom - I am honestly concerned for her - and we talked about how she was feeling. She mentioned that food didn't taste right anymore. Really - she seemed depressed.

 

It was kind of more of the same the next day. She works Saturdays so it's just me and the kids. She had made plans to take the kids to a movie that evening - without me - sort of a chance to bond with the kids. I was working on fixing our basement stairs - but before she left she said "if you weren't working on that I'd ask you to come along" and I didn't know how to react. This opened up a can of worms in my head. On one hand, yeah, I would have loved to come with them – to do something as a family. On the other hand, I had always assumed this was an activity designed for her to do something special with them. I didn’t want to sound too eager or intrude on her space. There was also part of me that thought am I being tested? Is she giving me a chance to decide to do something with the family? I was thinking a bunch of things – and it all felt so forced. I followed her outside and neither one of us seemed able to just say yes or no. I mentioned maybe I could come and help with the kids and she said she thought about that but then added that she was going to have to learn how to deal with this stuff herself. I finally decided not to go – almost by default. I watched them back up from the front stoop – tears forming in my eyes – and I didn’t go in until they were back up the street.

[Sharpie77]

Sorry for the length of this post - I'm about done - and I thank everyone who has stuck with me!

 

They came home and we hung out in the kitchen while the kids ate. It was definitely bedtime by the time dinner was done and we got the kids into bed. She quickly moved to get ready for bed – so I grabbed my pillow and the comforter and retreated to the living room. I was already lying down and reading on the couch when she finished up getting ready for bed. She came out and sat down on the couch with me. She could have easily just have gone to bed – or could have just given me a quick goodnight and gone to bed – but she made the effort to come and sit and talk with me. We talked mostly about the kids – but it seemed safe. It made us laugh and it was relaxing. I thought it felt like easing back into conversation. We talked for maybe 20 minutes. She was tired and at several points I thought she was nodding off and I said why don’t you go to sleep and she said she was just listening to me. She finally did go to bed – but it had been a nice moment between us.

 

I was feeling "hopeful" on Sunday so I came up with the idea that maybe we’d go to the nature center or the botanical gardens and that if the kids suggested it – she might go along. I had the kids suggest it when we got home – she was still in her pajamas – and thought it was a good idea – but said something like why don’t you take them because I’m not ready and I said no, we’d wait for her.

 

On the drive there she continued to complain about not feeling well – of feeling off – and I got to continue to play the compassionate listener. It was on the drive, however, that the hope began to chip away. She talked about how she was not well and how she felt bad about it and about how she’d be confusing me – or sending me mixed signals – but that she needed time to get herself right – which is why she needed to slow things down.

 

We had a nice time at the nature center and we left in good spirits. She looked better. We shared some laughs on the way home – but it was when we turned down our street that the hope really began to fade. She made mention of “her place” again (referring to the home she soon wanted to have without me) and as we pulled into the driveway she mentioned that she was really “conflicted” about the house. The house has been a sticking issue: she doesn't want to stay there, I do - but to make it work I need to use some of my 401K - which she is entitled do - but she keeps going back and forth on whether she won't take the money (her mom and dad are well off and can support her as she moves forward). She essentially said she was conflicted: her head told her she was entitled to her half of the money and that she should take it no matter what but her heart told her that the money meant far more to me and that she should work with me on it.

 

We talked about it as we made lunch and the talk spilled over into our relationship and we kind of rehashed everything again. She said she still has a lot of anger towards me and a lot trust issues. That said - I think we left it on good ground and the rest of the afternoon was pleasant enough - we even shared some laughs. She went out for a friend's birthday dinner and I was lying on the couch when she got back - ready for bed. We only spoke in passing - but it was pleasant.

 

Yesterday was kind of like Friday. She was making dinner when I got home. We ate dinner as a family. She went to work out - which she does every Monday. I got a lot done around the house: dishes - putting clothes away - giving baths - getting kids to bed on time. She came home while I was just finishing up with our son and again - I was out on the couch when she was finished getting ready for bed. She could have gone straight to bed with a simple goodnight - but she sat down and we talked about life for 20-30 minutes. She made a decision to sit and talk with me and this time it wasn't so much kid based - but we discussed other things - not the past or future - but just the present.

[Sharpie77]

Almost there - and sorry for spilling my guts so much - but it helps to get this out.

 

It seems like things have stabilized between us. We seem to be at peace - but it is an uneasy truce. I feel like we're in a period of autumn - the leaves are falling but the weather is still nice - but I know that without a sign from her - and it has to come from her - winter will come. She has to be the one to stop it.

 

I know I can be the man she needs me to be. I have done a lot of soul searching and I realize the changes that occurred after we lost our daughter and how that impacted our relationship. I'm ready to spend the rest of my life cherishing her and being that goody romantic guy again. I really do feel like we're in a high stakes poker game and she's holding her cards very close to her chest. I'm all in - but I don't know what hand to play. I'm terrified of overplaying my hand - but I'm also terrified of being too timid and not seizing an opportunity - but she has not given me a concrete sign that she's open to the possibility.

 

We had something good. We went through a horrible tragedy. We lost our way - but even she says it wasn't until very recently that she decided we needed to end it. I know I over think things - and I look for signs - and I build hope into these elaborate houses of cards that then come falling back down - but what do you all think?

 

Is there anything in her actions (and I know you only know what I've been able to relate) that might indicate anything? I love this girl - I always have. Any advice how I proceed? I know my options are limited to basically working on myself - correcting things about me and working towards being the man she claims she needed - and I've been doing that - but she keeps coming back to not being able to trust me.

 

I still feel like she is "close" and that sometimes I feel like I could just reach out and she'd be there - but I can be very timid with my emotions - scared to make a move.

 

Anyway - if you've stuck with my story - thank you - and if you can impart any advice - THANK YOU - because I think this can still be saved - she might not - but I do - but then again I've been a fool for love before.

[Sharpie77]

I should add that sometimes it feels like we're dancing around the topic of "us" but neither one of us knows what to say. I know I'm living on borrowed time - eventually like I said - winter will come. Do I make a bold gesture? Do I continue to do what I'm doing: work on myself and being the best dad I can be while still showing her support and compassion when I can? It's like sometimes I sense she let's herself become uncertain but then yanks herself back onto her resolute path. I try and do little things to let her know I care: just picking up household chores that were hers but that I try and do - or like last Saturday - I cut some daffodils from the garden and put them by her side of the bed with a little note saying "to help you relax when you go to sleep". I really am the goofy romantic type - I would pull a John Cusack if she gave me a sign - I'd show up at her salon and wait for her to get off of work and I'd hold my vintage 80's boom box in the air and play "In Your Eyes"

 

I also need to add that I'm working on moving on - I'm doing the practical stuff to make sure my future is set for myself and the kids - I'm not unrealistic - but a part of me just keeps fighting for her. I can't let that light of hope dim - it goes against who I am. After years of closing myself off emotionally I've pulled down those barriers and I'm feeling again - and it feels good - but it also makes the sense of loss that much greater. I just wish she could trust me one more time because I wouldn't let her down. I want the chance to cherish her for the rest of my life.