Can someone explain my ex's behaviour?

[sparkle222]

Messy story: I went out with someone for a year two years ago, broke up with him when it went long-distance for a year for the pathetic reason that he insisted I visit at some pt and I didn't think I could manage the trip, he tried to get back together but communication wasn't great so things got unclear, at the end of the year he started seeing a girl he'd made at his study abroad uni. Then he started playing us off each other, saying he liked both of us at once, broke up with her, we had a bust-up, and he went back to her. (Nasty experience but fine.) This was all back last September.

 

We're in our final year at uni together and see each other a lot. For the past several months, I was angry/hurt; he made it clear he was taken, and only wanted to be friends--but obviously it's been a rocky friendship (to the point where a couple days ago he blocked my number because he found my random texting too emotionally trying, and I told him I didn't want to contact him ever again).

 

Then in this past week: 1) a mutual acquaintance started showing interest in me (I think), 2) I heard the ex and the girl broke up a couple weeks ago (don't know if this is true). Nevertheless, both of these things gave me the strength to be nicer to the ex and go back to contacting him.

 

Ex has been v affectionate more recently, he'll give me weirdly long hugs (when I'm not busy being angry at him). I pointed this out yesterday (trying to gauge if he still has feelings or a girlfriend) and he just reiterated how 'sad' the situation is (which makes me think they're still together). He says he wants me to still contact him, just not in the 'unhealthy' way I'd been doing, and repair our unhealthy interactions and become normal friends.

 

we're doing exams so dating isn't a priority, but: is the ex just using me because he's lonely in his long-distance r/s, am i on the backburner, or does he want to repair our interactions with a view to a rs in the future? if he's single i don't want to start showing interest in/potentially seeing sm1 else I'm not sure about (the way he did!). However, I'm afraid to ask because I don't want to get hurt again if he isn't single/is but isn't interested. (I also don't want to weird him out--I've spent the entire year pretending not to care/to hate him). I know that I should just move on but the reason for the breakup was so dumb it's hard, plus our attempts at a 'friendship' have inevitably just screwed with my feelings. My assumption was always that the ex had no interest anymore, and frankly I doubt I'd be really up to dating him unless he made some serious amends, but now I'm just confused. Trying to be normal friends is really hard (both because it hurts to know he's taken, and it stirs up feelings which makes getting close to anyone else so much harder), but equally I don't want to lose any possibility in the future by pushing him away out of hurt.

 

 

I know our r/s failed because of immaturity and lack of communication and I don't want that to be the case anymore but I'm also sick of continually being hurt, and I don't want to waste anymore time on hoping something might happen with someone who isn't making the effort.

[Mrlonelyone]

Well the thing about second chances is the 5% of them that have a prayer come after a long break. The longer the break the more of a full real second chance it can be. After years pass negative memories fade and nostalgia creeps in. That can be misleading and is a negative. However, the positive is that one can also learn, grow, and change in those years. If that change is positive change then one may make a better partner the second time around.

 

I do know how you are feeling as I find myself for the first time since a BU about two years ago in contact with an Ex. They initiated it. They have taken it to other levels. I have wondered what the heck they are thinking.

 

 

From what you have told me it sounds like one thing about your ex that hasn't changed is that he needs to be physically present on the same continent with someone to have them as a serious relationship. It is likely he cared for you when it ended but he has needs. It is likely he cares for you now and to an extent for that other woman. However his physical needs have to have some hope of being met. For men it is a daily pressure to meet that need. When you could not come to see him, he sought to get his needs met elsewhere.

 

Will he leave the other woman for you. He's already on the same continent with you, unless she comes to live with him he will be looking for someone local. If you want to be that someone take it slow, protect yourself and see what happens.

 

Ask yourself this. Do you want a relationship where you know distance is a deal breaker? Would you be willing to travel with him in the future?

[Ruby65]

Messy story: I went out with someone for a year two years ago, broke up with him when it went long-distance for a year for the pathetic reason that he insisted I visit at some pt and I didn't think I could manage the trip, he tried to get back together but communication wasn't great so things got unclear, at the end of the year he started seeing a girl he'd made at his study abroad uni. Then he started playing us off each other, saying he liked both of us at once, broke up with her, we had a bust-up, and he went back to her. (Nasty experience but fine.) This was all back last September.

 

 

This is where you lost me: he's got two women at once, says he "can't decide" between the two of you? Really?

 

Are you REALLY willing to settle for so little?

 

He treats you like AN OPTION. He did it once -- you think he won't do it again?

 

As soon as someone "better" comes along -- do you really think Mr. Maturity isn't going to ditch you again -- or worse, try to keep you on the backburner as a Plan B?

 

Meh. You deserve SO MUCH better!

 

I say ditch his butt! Sorry, not sorry.

[sparkle222]

i know you're both right--on the one hand i did break up with him and not see him for six months, knowing full well that given the kind of person he is he would inevitably warm to someone near him. on the other hand he's treated me appallingly ever since (though i've been pretty mental too).

 

i hung out with a mutual friend whom i don't know very well the other day (not officially, but we're both unattached so the thought could've been there) and realised how much the ex has poisoned my view of men--all i could do in my head was compare them, and then afterwards i felt really upset because i 1) missed this ex, and can't really see it with this mutual friend, and 2) now have no idea if this mutual friend was just being friendly or was testing me out and now has decided i'm not good enough (like the ex did), since he said he'd contact me again to hang out again and then didn't/didn't reply when i did (even though i'm not really interested in him romantically)--whatever it was the sting of rejection that i felt with the ex was still there.

 

what's throwing me off is that people said i led on the ex by being friendly, and now i'm terrified of both doing that again inadvertently, or of doing it and then getting rejected.

 

i did really like the ex, and i guess i now see him as a safety blanket--he's taken, i'm too hurt to be interested. but now part of me just really wants to know if he's matured and would ever want to get back together, but i don't want to ask and get hurt (again). would it be stupid to ask?

 

is it crazy that i'm still so hurt and affected by this?

[Mrlonelyone]

i know you're both right--on the one hand i did break up with him and not see him for six months, knowing full well that given the kind of person he is he would inevitably warm to someone near him. on the other hand he's treated me appallingly ever since (though i've been pretty mental too).

 

Depending on what you mean by he's been appalling and you've been mental this could be reason enough to just forget this guy right now.

 

Has he been abusive or insulting in a concrete way? I don't mean just not responding to your every action. Have you been abusive to him? If it is a yes to either of those just stop and find someone new after working on yourself.

 

If not then there is real hope. I mean, he's in contact with you that he takes part in.

 

i hung out with a mutual friend whom i don't know very well the other day (not officially, but we're both unattached so the thought could've been there) and realised how much the ex has poisoned my view of men--all i could do in my head was compare them, and then afterwards i felt really upset because i 1) missed this ex, and can't really see it with this mutual friend, and 2) now have no idea if this mutual friend was just being friendly or was testing me out and now has decided i'm not good enough (like the ex did), since he said he'd contact me again to hang out again and then didn't/didn't reply when i did (even though i'm not really interested in him romantically)--whatever it was the sting of rejection that i felt with the ex was still there.

 

You are so wound up with wondering if things could work out with this ex that you are letting it keep you from starting fresh and clean with someone new.

 

 

what's throwing me off is that people said i led on the ex by being friendly, and now i'm terrified of both doing that again inadvertently, or of doing it and then getting rejected.

 

Well you dumped him in a way. Or really...... in your situation it's not really truly a real "dumping" in the true sense of the word. He moved an ocean and a continent away from you. Then he found someone local. (I'll bet if you are reasonably decent looking you also dated someone at some point even if it wasn't a big deal).

 

Fear of rejection is reasonable.

 

i did really like the ex, and i guess i now see him as a safety blanket--he's taken, i'm too hurt to be interested. but now part of me just really wants to know if he's matured and would ever want to get back together, but i don't want to ask and get hurt (again). would it be stupid to ask?

 

If he was taken and not looking to jump ship would he be talking to you at all?

 

is it crazy that i'm still so hurt and affected by this?

 

NO. There is a whole entire subforum on this forum devoted to this situation called second chances. It is a litany of people like you and me who are tied in knots about an old flame.

 

My situation isn't so different from yours. I wrote about this person on here using a code name M. It was 8-9 months of us spending 12+ hours a day together both working and just spending time together in the lab, and off campus. We met family and friends. We were so close a child of a mutual friend called us Uncle MrLonelyOne and Aunt M. It ended for two big reasons, one I was graduating from that program likely to move far away and I did for a while... then she would graduate after me likely to move far away. The second reason was right person wrong time in our lives type issues.

 

There was a period where it was uncertain and seemed I might not leave and we drew a little big closer again, then I departed for good. Now I am back in town, relatively near and she seems to have not left. She started dating someone new LTR. I have had a number of flings and little things.

 

The questions facing you and I are very similar. You are not alone.

 

Here are some steps I'm taking that have worked when trying to make a hard relationship decision and wanting to make it based on evidence and realism.

 

To find an answer you have to frame the questions.

 

Have they changed?

Have I changed?

Have We changed?

 

Have the things about them we did not like changed? Were they things that change with age and perspective or experience. For example was the way your boyfriend acted due to immaturity? If you guys are still young a couple years can make a big difference for that. (You sound like you are in college to graduate school age... 18-25 but maybe up to 30's).

 

Two years is enough time for someone to change for better or worse. If it was sheer immaturity or inexperience at play then age is the only cure for that.

 

Have the things they did not like about us changed? Were we immature back then? Were we insecure back then and are we now more mature and secure? Are we in a place where we can sustain a renewed relationship with anybody? Have we worked on the things about us that might have made them uneasy.

 

Again, in two years we could have changed in ways that make us better mates for whoever we choose.

 

Have we changed in a ways that would make us better as a couple? The only way to know the answer to this is to try it out...but the answers to the above two questions can give us an idea of the answer to this one. Would We make a better We than We did then?

 

 

Could I make part of a better We with someone else?

 

Think of all the pros of finding a totally new person.

 

• A completely fresh start with no relationship baggage what so ever.
   
  
• A chance to learn and to be learned about all over again and discover a new person and their set of people (friends, relatives etc) with no toxic backstory.
   
  
• A chance to build the structure of a life as part of a new We on a green and unconstructed field.
  

 

Cons In the above I may be idealizing the unknown person...like all people they will have a list of pros and cons unique to them. However the above are pros they have simply by not being an ex. A new person has at least three things going for them that an ex does not.

 

 

List out the pros and cons. Count the pros and cons. If your ex has more pros than cons subtract the number of cons above from the pros. If there are still many more pros than cons then maybe it is worth a shot.

 

 

As for fearing rejection....

 

You already rejected each other. You are a reject so is he. You did not want to visit him. He found someone else. You relationship is as bad as it can be right now. It can't get much worse than this. (barring actual abuse). In a sense this is a pro for the ex since you know what rock bottom with them looks like. You know just how ugly they can be at their most ugly. So if you are rejected by them you loose nothing. On the other hand, when I read about successful second chances it is like you regain so very much almost instantly.

 

I had a semi successful second chance back in 2003- 2004 with someone I dated off and on in 2000-2002. They had almost married someone else. It did not work out forever...but it was one of the best romantic experiences I ever had. It can work, but it takes guts to try.

 

If the only risk is rejection then it is a risk worth taking. Just be sure that is the only risk.

[sparkle222]

That is such a good reply; it's nice to know I'm not alone! :s.

 

0) At times it's been mildly harsh verbally (nothing awful, but general rudeness towards each other or annoying the other). Essentially, I tried to be friends after a period of no contact/him being rude and snarky; eventually he became friendlier; now he's become warmer (although i've simultaneously become a lot more annoying).

 

1) Some things have changed--apart from our behaviour towards each other, I know I've matured, he has too. We're end of college--I've got a job lined up but he's not sorted for what he wants to do after though. (Guys tell me that this is an issue but I have no idea--seems a bit backwards.)

 

2) I agree that being tied up in knots about him means that I can't really start afresh. The problem is that unless he tells me he never wants get back together I'll always be thinking 'what if? (as in, why didn't I just give it a shot)'; so I sort of want to ask him at some point just to check.

 

3) However, I'm not sure I want to ask him now because I'm preparing for exams and I don't really need another kick in the face right now if he tells me that he's still taken. I also have a feeling that even if his r/s has wobbled he is still taken. Then again, waiting until exams end would mean just prolonged uncertainty.

 

4) I have absolutely no idea if he's looking to jump ship and I really wish he would just make it clear once and for all as opposed to saying he wants to be friends, then ignoring me, but giving me long hugs whenever I talk to him about my life, but constantly referring to the 'sadness of the situation' and how no one told him life would be this way etc. In my head I've always just assumed that he's taken and is using me because he's lonely, but for all I know maybe his r/s has failed but he thinks things are so problematic between us (I've spent most of the year telling him I don't want to be friends because I was hurt/proud) that there is no point anymore.

 

My intuition is that feelings are still there but that he doesn't want to get back together (either he's still wrapped up with this other girl, in a relationship or just emotionally, or he thinks it'd never work between us anymore because we could never recover from all the stuff that's happened)--mostly because surely he could just ask if he wanted to? I've spent a lot of time around him recently.

 

Maybe I really should just ask--would it be weird, several months after our massive bust-up, to basically say 'I need to know if you meant it when you said you never wanted to get back together because part of me--in spite of how angry I've been towards you--has always hoped we would, given some time, but I can't wait around forever; at some point someone (and quite possibly someone you know*) might ask/has asked me out and I'll say yes'. Or should I simply be a bit more tactful and just ask if he's still in a r/s or not, making the point that I need to know because I need to understand how our friendship and future interactions stand?

 

*although personally I'm not sure I'm capable of that

 

Or have I just lost all dignity (I mean he did break up with her because of me and then call me an option and tell me he liked both of us at once and then told me he was going to ask her out again because she was a better fit and it was more emotional)?

[Mrlonelyone]

That is such a good reply; it's nice to know I'm not alone! :s.

 

0) At times it's been mildly harsh verbally (nothing awful, but general rudeness towards each other or annoying the other). Essentially, I tried to be friends after a period of no contact/him being rude and snarky; eventually he became friendlier; now he's become warmer (although i've simultaneously become a lot more annoying).

 

1) Some things have changed--apart from our behaviour towards each other, I know I've matured, he has too. We're end of college--I've got a job lined up but he's not sorted for what he wants to do after though. (Guys tell me that this is an issue but I have no idea--seems a bit backwards.)

 

2) I agree that being tied up in knots about him means that I can't really start afresh. The problem is that unless he tells me he never wants get back together I'll always be thinking 'what if? (as in, why didn't I just give it a shot)'; so I sort of want to ask him at some point just to check.

 

3) However, I'm not sure I want to ask him now because I'm preparing for exams and I don't really need another kick in the face right now if he tells me that he's still taken. I also have a feeling that even if his r/s has wobbled he is still taken. Then again, waiting until exams end would mean just prolonged uncertainty.

 

 

This is all totally reasonable especially point two. If you don't find out. Start with someone new and have these lingering doubts it will poison, at least, the first weeks, or months of any new relationship.

 

The way these things work is it seems as soon as you start to move on that is when the exes come out of the wood work. It might be best for your long term well being to hear it from his mouth that he is really done.

 

 

4) I have absolutely no idea if he's looking to jump ship and I really wish he would just make it clear once and for all as opposed to saying he wants to be friends, then ignoring me, but giving me long hugs whenever I talk to him about my life, but constantly referring to the 'sadness of the situation' and how no one told him life would be this way etc. In my head I've always just assumed that he's taken and is using me because he's lonely, but for all I know maybe his r/s has failed but he thinks things are so problematic between us (I've spent most of the year telling him I don't want to be friends because I was hurt/proud) that there is no point anymore.

 

 

Correct me if I am wrong but he is now in the same country as you and not in the same country as her. He is now on the same continent as you and a continent and an ocean away from her.

 

If there are no concrete plans for him to move back there or for her to come to him that relationship is already dead. They just haven't pulled the plug yet.

 

 

My intuition is that feelings are still there but that he doesn't want to get back together (either he's still wrapped up with this other girl, in a relationship or just emotionally, or he thinks it'd never work between us anymore because we could never recover from all the stuff that's happened)--mostly because surely he could just ask if he wanted to? I've spent a lot of time around him recently.

 

You have to see this from his perspective. As you keep putting it you dumped him. It is up to you to make the first move(s). So far you have made moves that are open to interpretation. The whole the man should chase thing is out the window when the woman ends it....she needs to make it clear what she's looking for out of contact with him.

 

 

Maybe I really should just ask--would it be weird, several months after our massive bust-up, to basically say 'I need to know if you meant it when you said you never wanted to get back together because part of me--in spite of how angry I've been towards you--has always hoped we would, given some time, but I can't wait around forever; at some point someone (and quite possibly someone you know*) might ask/has asked me out and I'll say yes'. Or should I simply be a bit more tactful and just ask if he's still in a r/s or not, making the point that I need to know because I need to understand how our friendship and future interactions stand?

 

*although personally I'm not sure I'm capable of that

 

There was a joke on a TV show here which gets right to the heart of this matter. It was a TV show aimed right at people 18-35 which got right to the heart of this matter with one of the sketches.

 

Dobler Dhamer theory

 

It is a joke but it is the only truth about romantic moves. If they are received well they are the greatest best moves you can make. If they are rejected they are the worst moves you can make. For the big important moves....there is no 100% certain way to know how they will go. (Think of all the people who get left at the altar or who get divorced very very shortly after a wedding. Even that isn't certain.)

 

If you think this is really going to poison your future efforts in the short to medium term then you have to try.

 

Or have I just lost all dignity (I mean he did break up with her because of me and then call me an option and tell me he liked both of us at once and then told me he was going to ask her out again because she was a better fit and it was more emotional)?

 

He broke up with someone for you. Girl .... you better jump on that.