Ex contacted me, should I respond?

[AIJ]

We broke up at the end of January. I didn't really beg or anything, just kind of let it go and went in to no contact straight after the break up. Contacted her once, a few days after the break up, she was cold, I backed off. A month goes by, she's throwing all sorts of signs my way, following girls I'm talking to on Twitter, clearly stalking my tweets as we no longer follow eachother, calling me up and asking if I want my belongings back which I very clearly stated immediately after the break up that I had no desire to take them back, I didn't want them.

 

A week ago, she messaged me and said 'Can I ask you something quickly please?'. I read it, she can see I've read it because of the Whatsapp blue ticks, deleted the message. 3 hours later she sends another, 'OR NOT', done the same. I didn't feel I was in a good state of mind to reply. I don't know whether I should message her and see what she wanted to ask me, or if I should just leave it and wait for her to either contact me again or for me to just forget about her completely?

[towardthefuture]

We broke up at the end of January. I didn't really beg or anything, just kind of let it go and went in to no contact straight after the break up. Contacted her once, a few days after the break up, she was cold, I backed off. A month goes by, she's throwing all sorts of signs my way, following girls I'm talking to on Twitter, clearly stalking my tweets as we no longer follow eachother, calling me up and asking if I want my belongings back which I very clearly stated immediately after the break up that I had no desire to take them back, I didn't want them.

 

A week ago, she messaged me and said 'Can I ask you something quickly please?'. I read it, she can see I've read it because of the Whatsapp blue ticks, deleted the message. 3 hours later she sends another, 'OR NOT', done the same. I didn't feel I was in a good state of mind to reply. I don't know whether I should message her and see what she wanted to ask me, or if I should just leave it and wait for her to either contact me again or for me to just forget about her completely?

 

I mean it doesn't sound like you're super devastated to you might as well. Or not. Could really go either way with this. I don't think she wants to get back together, though, I think she just wants to get a read on whether or not you hate her. What were the reasons for the breakup and how long was the relationship?

[AIJ]

I mean it doesn't sound like you're super devastated to you might as well. Or not. Could really go either way with this. I don't think she wants to get back together, though, I think she just wants to get a read on whether or not you hate her. What were the reasons for the breakup and how long was the relationship?

 

Eeeerm I don't know the exact reasons behind the breakup however we argued a lot, wasn't a very long relationship, only 5 months long.

 

I became far too dependent on her, became too clingy and pushed her away. I'm well aware of that now!

[SoThatHappened]

Then don't respond.

 

Don't ever respond.

 

Only reasons to respond involve:

 

- Her saying, verbatim: "I screwed up and would do ANYTHING to make it up to you and get you back"

 

- You're completely indifferent (months down the road), and you can treat her like another stranger. Even then, not really worth responding.

 

You have a long way to go for the second reason, so just hang on tight until you're over it.

[Jonp219]

Then don't respond.

 

Don't ever respond.

 

Only reasons to respond involve:

 

- Her saying, verbatim: "I screwed up and would do ANYTHING to make it up to you and get you back"

 

- You're completely indifferent (months down the road), and you can treat her like another stranger. Even then, not really worth responding.

 

You have a long way to go for the second reason, so just hang on tight until you're over it.

 

See the thing with that is no one would ever just come out and say those words. They would like to talk to you first and get a feel to when they can bring something like that into the convo. I personally feel that rule is a little to strict. However, I do agree with the indifference part.

[quattrob]

See the thing with that is no one would ever just come out and say those words. They would like to talk to you first and get a feel to when they can bring something like that into the convo. I personally feel that rule is a little to strict. However, I do agree with the indifference part.

 

They may not say it out loud like that but trust me YOU WILL KNOW when someone wants you back. It's like day and night. And you still haven't changed or got better because you're still holding on to false hope.

[Jonp219]

They may not say it out loud like that but trust me YOU WILL KNOW when someone wants you back. It's like day and night. And you still haven't changed or got better because you're still holding on to false hope.

 

False hope is the only thing keeping me going right now.

 

I know what I need to work on but I need something to lean on.

[quattrob]

Leaning on false hope doesnt keep you going, it keeps you where you got left behind. You can't escape letting go of false hope because it's going to happen eventually, you're just delaying the inevitable. There are so much more beautiful things in life than just a girl. You'll come to that realization once you can fully move on.

 

Not trying to be hard on you but just want you to get better. I know right now you think your situation is different and that maybe she is different from everybody else but let me tell you, she's not. You can keep blaming yourself about what happened but the fact of matter is, life keeps going and she's moving on without you.

 

Some day, you'll wake up and think about how much of a fool you were and realize that there are other girls just as special and better than your ex.

[Simon Phoenix]

See the thing with that is no one would ever just come out and say those words. They would like to talk to you first and get a feel to when they can bring something like that into the convo. I personally feel that rule is a little to strict. However, I do agree with the indifference part.

 

This is absolutely incorrect. I know several relationships which reconciled with such words. Hell, I had an ex-girlfriend say something like this to me back in the day.

 

This happens quite a bit.

[Jonp219]

Leaning on false hope doesnt keep you going, it keeps you where you got left behind. You can't escape letting go of false hope because it's going to happen eventually, you're just delaying the inevitable. There are so much more beautiful things in life than just a girl. You'll come to that realization once you can fully move on.

 

Not trying to be hard on you but just want you to get better. I know right now you think your situation is different and that maybe she is different from everybody else but let me tell you, she's not. You can keep blaming yourself about what happened but the fact of matter is, life keeps going and she's moving on without you.

 

Some day, you'll wake up and think about how much of a fool you were and realize that there are other girls just as special and better than your ex.

 

I've met other girls and believe me, they're not worth the time.

 

I'm 25 years old and have only been in 2 relationships in my life and it's for reason. I can't find too many things in life that are more beautiful than my ex, except my family. Everything else is grey to me, even possessions.

 

She moved on, but she keeps talking about us on her stupid twitter page.

 

Maybe I will wake up and think how much of a fool I was, and maybe not. My whole family knew she was a catch, I knew she was a catch. My mom thought we would get married and so did I, now that probably won't happen.

 

Being alone in the world again is the scariest thing imaginable, especially when I have all these projects I have to get done.

 

She was the reason I went back to college and actually stayed. I had no job, and I was a drop out when she got with me. Now i'll be graduating with my B.B.A. in the summer with honors.

 

I know I have to move on, and i'm trying to convince myself everyday, but just in turmoil right now.

[Jonp219]

This is absolutely incorrect. I know several relationships which reconciled with such words. Hell, I had an ex-girlfriend say something like this to me back in the day.

 

This happens quite a bit.

 

Sorry I just never heard of it before.

 

Normally I see people talk for a little while as friends and then work their way back together. I know that's not the best way to do it, but I see that more often than the ex crawling back.

[Simon Phoenix]

Sorry I just never heard of it before.

 

Normally I see people talk for a little while as friends and then work their way back together. I know that's not the best way to do it, but I see that more often than the ex crawling back.

 

I would suspect that most of those were the dumper saying "I want you back" or something of the like and the dumpee saying "maybe, let's take it slow". Then from there they go from friends back to lovers. The only way your scenario can work is if the dumpee is completely past the first relationship. Otherwise, bad news.

[Jonp219]

I would suspect that most of those were the dumper saying "I want you back" or something of the like and the dumpee saying "maybe, let's take it slow". Then from there they go from friends back to lovers. The only way your scenario can work is if the dumpee is completely past the first relationship. Otherwise, bad news.

 

I've seen the dumpee go back to the dumper 2-3 months after a break-up to just get back together. Sometimes the dumper suspects that the dumpee has changed his/her ways and ready to be an adult. Most of the times it fails because the dumpee didn't do anything to improve, so then the initial problems start back up again.

[Simon Phoenix]

I've seen the dumpee go back to the dumper 2-3 months after a break-up to just get back together. Sometimes the dumper suspects that the dumpee has changed his/her ways and ready to be an adult. Most of the times it fails because the dumpee didn't do anything to improve, so then the initial problems start back up again.

 

So it's basically a waste of time. Who the hell wants that?

[Jonp219]

So it's basically a waste of time. Who the hell wants that?

 

I agree

 

I'm just saying it's not impossible for it to work that way.

 

Why would the dumper reach out to the dumpee if he/she isn't sure if the other got their **** together? You know?

[Simon Phoenix]

I agree

 

I'm just saying it's not impossible for it to work that way.

 

Why would the dumper reach out to the dumpee if he/she isn't sure if the other got their **** together? You know?

 

Nothing is impossible except living forever. That's not a good reason to be dumb though.

 

The goal of reconciliation is long-term, not to enter a breakup-makeup cycle. I mean, I know you're looking for any and all reasons to cling on to an ex, but it's absolutely foolish and counterproductive for you to be in touch with them until you are recovered.

 

Dumpers come back for a variety of reasons -- many of them don't care if their ex has gotten their sh*t together because after time and reflection they realize that the sh*t that they didn't like before wasn't so bad, or it was an excuse for them to run away from their own sh*t. Who knows, the point is that if they want to figure it out, they'll find ways that don't involve you gobbling up breadcrumbs like a desperate fool.

[Jonp219]

Nothing is impossible except living forever. That's not a good reason to be dumb though.

 

The goal of reconciliation is long-term, not to enter a breakup-makeup cycle. I mean, I know you're looking for any and all reasons to cling on to an ex, but it's absolutely foolish and counterproductive for you to be in touch with them until you are recovered.

 

Dumpers come back for a variety of reasons -- many of them don't care if their ex has gotten their sh*t together because after time and reflection they realize that the sh*t that they didn't like before wasn't so bad, or it was an excuse for them to run away from their own sh*t. Who knows, the point is that if they want to figure it out, they'll find ways that don't involve you gobbling up breadcrumbs like a desperate fool.

 

I never said it was a good idea to be in touch with your ex. The last thing I would want right now is to stay in touch with my ex.

 

I'm just saying that whole NC rule about forbidding the dumpee from contacting the dumper can't always be looked at as a taboo. Some situations do call for it, especially if your ex just got fed up with something you did, like a unhealthy bad habit or something of that nature.

 

But yes, I do believe if a dumper wanted you back they would make it clear, as day sooner rather than later.

[SoThatHappened]

I agree

 

I'm just saying it's not impossible for it to work that way.

 

Why would the dumper reach out to the dumpee if he/she isn't sure if the other got their **** together? You know?

In my experience as a damper: because I had no other good prospects and missed having a girl. Neither of us truly changed though and we entered a makeup-breakup cycle.

 

That's my experience though.

[Ruby65]

This is absolutely incorrect. I know several relationships which reconciled with such words. Hell, I had an ex-girlfriend say something like this to me back in the day.

 

This happens quite a bit.

 

I have to agree. As a dumper, I said those words after almost a year of No Contact.

 

I've had, over the years, three dumpers approach me after extended No Contact periods asking for another chance right off the bat.

 

So, yeah -- it happens! I've never had a reconciliation attempt without it happening.

[Jonp219]

I have to agree. As a dumper, I said those words after almost a year of No Contact.

 

I've had, over the years, three dumpers approach me after extended No Contact periods asking for another chance right off the bat.

 

So, yeah -- it happens! I've never had a reconciliation attempt without it happening.

 

Is there a difference between a dumper and a dumpee who pushed the other away, and gave the other no choice but to cut ties? (like a cheater, abuser, addict etc.)

[Ruby65]

No, if the dumpee actually forced the dumper into breaking up (by cheating, withholding emotionally, etc.) then it's up to them to do all the work.

 

In that case, I still wouldn't reply to any contact from them except: "I made a huge mistake and want to get back together."

 

Do you feel you forced your ex to break up with you?

[Jonp219]

No, if the dumpee actually forced the dumper into breaking up (by cheating, withholding emotionally, etc.) then it's up to them to do all the work.

 

In that case, I still wouldn't reply to any contact from them except: "I made a huge mistake and want to get back together."

 

Do you feel you forced your ex to break up with you?

 

Yup, I was insecure and verbally abusive and she got fed up due to those reasons. She told me to go get my **** together and contact her when I've made significant progress. I'm in therapy now and I'm also focusing on school and my workouts. But yea that's what happened between us.

[Ruby65]

If your ex was posting here, I'd tell her not to consider reconciling with you -- no matter what -- in the case of verbal abuse.

 

You can grow and learn new healthier habits -- and good for you for working on your issues! But you and her don't bring out the best in each other and that's not a healthy dynamic to go back to. In time, the old habits will inevitably return.

 

Abuse is a drop-dead dealbreaker, in my opinion anyway.

[Jonp219]

If your ex was posting here, I'd tell her not to consider reconciling with you -- no matter what -- in the case of verbal abuse.

 

You can grow and learn new healthier habits -- and good for you for working on your issues! But you and her don't bring out the best in each other and that's not a healthy dynamic to go back to. In time, the old habits will inevitably return.

 

Abuse is a drop-dead dealbreaker, in my opinion anyway.

 

Its mostly the insecurities and being emotionally enclosed is the reason I drove her away. The verbal abuse wasn't constant but it was there, and she's not the only person I was like that with. And we bring out the best in each other we've grown a lot since the beginning of our relationship. These are just deep rooted issues I need to work on.

[Ruby65]

Yes -- you must work on these issues.

 

Verbal abuse, especially at your age, is a major red flag. If you don't get these impulses under control, they're going to escalate as you get older. You might think it's isolated behavior due to a specific situation, but this isn't the case. The issue is with you -- and with impulse control -- and with an ability to rationalize unacceptable behavior in the moment.

 

So, no. You crossed a line that cannot be uncrossed in that relationship.

 

The good news is, you can work on yourself in therapy and grow and have healthier relationships in the future!